Author

CJ

I’ve come to this website for months, expressing all my feelings of inferiority, hate, and disgust with myself. It’s been somewhat helpful, and the people I’ve met here seem like honestly good-hearted people with the same problem as me: they don’t wish to live anymore.

The few past events that occurred in my life have made me realize how much I don’t need this website anymore.

Two weeks ago, I walked out of the bathroom of my house and did what I look back on now as a godsend. Then, it was considered a mistake. I came out of the bathroom, tears on my face, cheeks red, […]

12/22/2009 1 comment

Control

by CJ 12/3/2009

written by CJ

it’s unbearable, you know?

i’m sorry to everybody. every fucking body.

peace and love

12/3/2009 2 comments

by CJ 11/30/2009

written by CJ

I’m going to ask you all to bear with me for the forthcoming bullshit. It’s nothing more, or less, honestly.

I sincerely, truly, unfathomably, hate myself. As I sit here trying to think of words that appropriately describe my self-hatred, my mind is completely blank. The word ‘hate’ doesn’t even seem fitting anymore. I’m beyond that at this point. What I think about myself is documented on my forearms and my stomach, red slashes that I create robotically these days. The sight of my body in pain doesn’t give me satisfaction anymore. Nothing does. What could makeÂ someone loathe themselves so much? Besides my obvious hideous appearance […]

11/30/2009 5 comments

purity.

by CJ 8/4/2009

written by CJ

I’m going to apologize, to begin with, in case anyone sees the next few paragraphs as ridiculous (you probably will).

I absolutely cannot go on. What was keeping me back before has now dissipated, and I have no doubt in my mind this is what I am going to do.

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to look into my brothers email account. There I found all the elicit emails between him and his horrible girlfriend. Their topic of choice? How they detest me for making them part. Emails to all my former friends, as well. Every single email. Just looking at the words she wrote gave me […]

8/4/2009 6 comments

How It All Began

by CJ 7/29/2009

written by CJ

My thoughts of suicide started when I was 13 years old.

Â I made a friend through a connection with another friend, and she was awesome (at first). I found out a month into our friendship that she did drugs. I encouraged her to stop, but since she was 5 years older than me she was too self- absorbed to listen. So, one night she slept over my house, and curiosity got the best of me, and I tried the drugs. It was… wonderful, to say the least. So more ‘sleepovers’ were planned afterwards. If I can recall correctly, it was about the third time she slept […]

7/29/2009 4 comments

confused…

by CJ 7/28/2009

written by CJ

I… really don’t know what to do. Yesterday, I wrote a post that expressed my desire to no longer live, and yet, I find that something odd is holding me back. Between the wonderful comments yesterday and my family actually being nice to me despite me not even saying much to them, I was actually… happy. I was able to forget about my self- loathing and have a day where people… cared? Such a weird word for me to say. But, I woke up this morning coming down from my high from yesterday- to hear my brother expressing his love for his girlfriend, aka, the […]

7/28/2009 4 comments

i have to do it

by CJ 7/27/2009

written by CJ

I’m so very sorry. I’ve made a permanent decision that in 2 months, I will definitely kill myself.

Please, don’t try to change my mind. I’ve made it up, and you all shouldn’t waste your energy on filth like me.

I’ve been living in a fantasy world for years now, and the wall separating my fantasy world from the reality I’ve never wanted to face has finally come down. I’ve truly seen how horrible of a human being I am now, and it has become intolerable.

I don’t blame the world, or even my surroundings. I blame me for being a selfish, stupid and ungrateful person.

Though this may […]

7/27/2009 9 comments

My First Time

by CJ 7/14/2009

written by CJ

I successfully cut myself yesterday. I took apart a razor and made 27 slashes across my stomach (nobodies seeing it anyway). I’ve already become a bit addicted to it. Today when I was feeling extra shitty, I started feeling jittery and scratching at my skin. It’s a wonderful release, though I still think I deserve so much worse.

Today is my birthday. I turn 15. No celebration. No cake. No compliments. Nothing. And its all intentional. I haven’tÂ celebrated not one of my birthdays.Â Â I don’t deserve a birthday, i guess. I couldn’t bring myself, even for one day, to celebrate, well, myself. I don’t deserve it. Oddly […]

7/14/2009 5 comments

somebody to love.

by CJ 7/9/2009

written by CJ

This site… has been a wonderful outlet for me. When I first came to this site I thought I would have people dogging me on to kill myself; the kind of support I need. I certainly didn’t expect people to read what I wrote, nonetheless care. The comments that I get on some of my most pathetic rants (thank you pulling the plug and jon) seem to move me to tears… partly because it proves that some people care about what I have to say, something I’ve wanted my entire life… and partly because I’m a skeptic and I’m convinced that they really don’t mean […]

7/9/2009 4 comments

Apologies.

by CJ 7/9/2009

written by CJ

I’m sorry to all of you whoÂ feel obligedÂ to answer to me because I’m a little whiny ***** who thinks she has problems when in reality other people who have had horrible things happen to them wish they could be in my position. I’m pathetic, and it’s about time you all realized that.

You know what is the most horrible facet to my personality, besides the billion other things? That I look for problems in my life so I can gripe about them. I will randomly be arrogant toward someone in my family just so I an hear them call me names. I love it when they […]

7/9/2009 5 comments

I’m Helpless At This Point

by CJ 7/1/2009

written by CJ

I really can’t take this anymore. I’m sorry to all of you who take offense to me, since you all have real legitimate problems that I want to help you with if it weren’t for my own selfishness and self loathing got in the way. I’m sorry.

I hate my family. I always try to see the good in people rather than be a total pessimist, but I am always proved wrong. I hate how my father comes home everyday piss drunk. I hate how my little brother is treated like a king when he acts like an asshole 24/7. I hate how my older brother […]

7/1/2009 8 comments

Trying to Hold On….

by CJ 6/24/2009

written by CJ

I’ve been trying to do better these past few days. It seems as though my underlying depression keeps tapping me on the shoulder, knowing when it can come back. Right when I thinkÂ the world is good and dandy, something has to happen that crushes it.

My mother has been my rock for about a week now. She has helped me recover from my bulimia so much in these past few days that I feel like I can never pay her back. Shes kept a strong spirit about the whole situation, but yesterday she crumbled. I’ve so fucking stupid and selfish that I didn’t even realizedÂ how my […]

6/24/2009 1 comment

Release

by CJ 6/22/2009

written by CJ

Finally, oblivious parents have recognized my bulimic ways and decided to get me help. I’m going to a doctor tomorrow and I’m actually eating full meals. I feel…. pretty good. I thought all hell was going to break loose if they found out, but they were more understanding than I thought they would be. My brother knows, and he choose to just ignore me instead of supporting, but he can go fuck himself for all I care.

My bulimia was the cause of all my strife. I’ve felt happier in the past two days than I have in a long time. Though it will take me […]

6/22/2009 3 comments

Sigh

by CJ 6/18/2009

written by CJ

I just ate something that I really don’t feel like throwing up. I’m just sitting here, not knowing what to do. And its not just for the moment. It’s not knowing what to do with my life. Who says I can’t play God with my own life? Nobody. I already have a huge bag full of aspirin in my room. I have a bottle of soda too. I know it probably won’t work like theÂ two other times I tried it, and I will just silently throw up my guts in the bathroom while everyone is sleeping.

I read the one comment I got on my other […]

6/18/2009 4 comments

Hello Darkness

by CJ 6/18/2009

written by CJ

Hello. I’m new to this site. I saw it as a beacon, almost. Let me tell you a bit about myself.

I’m 14 years old, I’m bulimic, I have two brothers, andÂ I tried to kill myself when I was 13 years old.

The bulimia didn’t develop until recently, since after the suicide attempt I was as self- loathing as ever. My brothers contribute highly to my depression. My older brother is seeing a girl whom I don’t want him to see, since I was friends with this girl at one time but she ended up molesting me. He knows about this, yet he continues to see […]

6/18/2009 3 comments