Hello. I’m new to this site. I saw it as a beacon, almost. Let me tell you a bit about myself.
I’m 14 years old, I’m bulimic, I have two brothers, andÂ I tried to kill myself when I was 13 years old.
The bulimia didn’t develop until recently, since after the suicide attempt I was as self- loathing as ever. My brothers contribute highly to my depression. My older brother is seeing a girl whom I don’t want him to see, since I was friends with this girl at one time but she ended up molesting me. He knows about this, yet he continues to see her. It is because that girl that I attempted suicide in the first place. The disgusting shame I felt around that time was incomparable. I was 13 at the time, and the girl was 18. No one knows ofÂ this except me and my brother.Â
I tried to hang myself, but, as soon as i tied the rope around my fan, I heard my parents door open and footsteps. I saw it as a sign. I tried again the next day, but when I yanked on the rope to see if it would support me it fell. Another sign. From then on I would hardly even get out bed from how depressed I was. My family grew irritated with me, telling me that I needed to cheer my ass up and that I had no reason to be depressed and mopey. From their point of view, I didn’t. As ignorant and oblivious as they were, my parents loved me. We have a niceÂ house and food on the table. My father is technically an alcholic, but he is always giddy and childish instead of abusive. It was my deeply rooted anger toward my brother that left me bed-ridden with shame and disgust. That’s when the bulimia started.
I would have more suicide attempts that would be unsuccessful (obviously). And though I’m a tiny bit better now, I would be lying if I didn’t raid the medicine cabinet every one and a while. And, though I haven’t seen or heard from that girl in over a year now, I know that my brother still emails and talks to her frequently. Things like this makes me go through periods of extreme depression, and I have wrote and re-wrote my suicide note time and time again.
The one thing that is keeping me back now, is that I wouldn’t be able to see all of the shocked faces and the tears of my family and friends. To see them cry with sheer agony, to see my BROTHER cry with sheer agony…. that would be the best thing in the world. Really. That thought is the only thing that makes me smile these days.
I have a few words of advice, ‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself.’
Honestly, I have been there too. I know how much life sucks. But you can’t let stuff that has happened bring you down, especially the stuff you cannot change. Take my advice and use it, don’t decide you don’t like what I have to say. You can make your life happy again. I haven’t had bullimia so I can’t comment on that, or bring my opinion into that. But for your sake, give life a try. Do you really want to die and see everyone crying for you? Because you will be dead and won’t have the chance to come back once you realise how much everyone cares for you and what you are gonna miss. Your brother sounds like a real asshole. But just wipe him. He is only bringing you down. Weigh up all the good things and the bad things about your life, see how it turns out. If its too much negatives, change that. Change your life. Find something that makes you comfortable. Find something that makes you smile. Find something to laugh about. Find something to love. Find something to do. There is lots of things worth living for. And after all this, if you can’t live for yourself, live for your mother, live for you father, live for your friends, live for a reason. One day your gonna to find someone loves you unconditionally, for everything about you and you’ll be happy. But you can never have that if you do eventually decide to die. Don’t live in a ball of misery peaches, live and be happy. Despite what you think, it’s not impossible. You just have to try.
free as a buterfly is right, god doesnt give us more than we can handle and i know it feels bad right now, ive been there believe me, but the pain isnt eternal, trust in god to get you through, i feel like a hypocryt saying this but try to enjoy life while you still can, your only 14, be a kid, enjoy life and live a little, hell live alot, you’ve been through enough already, dont put yourself through more with self loathing, it suck, i know, and its hard, i know, but u need to try. theres always tomorrow, if u cant stand the rest of the day, go to bed, wake up fresh with a positive attitude, i hope it works and if u need to talk to anyone im available for anyone in need at firstname.lastname@example.org
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and no one understands. I would suggest the first step would be to tell your parents about the abuse–if you can. If not, perhaps someone else that will help you out? Someone who can get you counseling or just someone to lend an ear? You may be able to reach out in high school, or church, or family/friends. Something like that you can’t keep to yourself, because they really don’t know why you are depressed and helping them understand will get you the support you need.
I’m especially concerned about the bulimia, because that will injure your body and your self esteem and make the pain and suicidal feelings increase, not help you. I really wish I could offer you something besides “go get help” but I hope this is the push you need to get help. I wish I had reached out to someone when I was younger, because after high school you sort of lose the chance to. High school counselors and maybe some teachers should be prepared to handle someone with your types of problems and should be able to help. Word of caution though: choose your confidant carefully. And only do it if you’re ready to help yourself (with their help, too, of course). I really want you to do well.
PS I really like the title of your post for some reason 😀