Hello. I’m new to this site. I saw it as a beacon, almost. Let me tell you a bit about myself.
I’m 14 years old, I’m bulimic, I have two brothers, andÂ I tried to kill myself when I was 13 years old.
The bulimia didn’t develop until recently, since after the suicide attempt I was as self- loathing as ever. My brothers contribute highly to my depression. My older brother is seeing a girl whom I don’t want him to see, since I was friends with this girl at one time but she ended up molesting me. He knows about this, yet he continues to see her. It is because that girl that I attempted suicide in the first place. The disgusting shame I felt around that time was incomparable. I was 13 at the time, and the girl was 18. No one knows ofÂ this except me and my brother.Â
I tried to hang myself, but, as soon as i tied the rope around my fan, I heard my parents door open and footsteps. I saw it as a sign. I tried again the next day, but when I yanked on the rope to see if it would support me it fell. Another sign. From then on I would hardly even get out bed from how depressed I was. My family grew irritated with me, telling me that I needed to cheer my ass up and that I had no reason to be depressed and mopey. From their point of view, I didn’t. As ignorant and oblivious as they were, my parents loved me. We have a niceÂ house and food on the table. My father is technically an alcholic, but he is always giddy and childish instead of abusive. It was my deeply rooted anger toward my brother that left me bed-ridden with shame and disgust. That’s when the bulimia started.
I would have more suicide attempts that would be unsuccessful (obviously). And though I’m a tiny bit better now, I would be lying if I didn’t raid the medicine cabinet every one and a while. And, though I haven’t seen or heard from that girl in over a year now, I know that my brother still emails and talks to her frequently. Things like this makes me go through periods of extreme depression, and I have wrote and re-wrote my suicide note time and time again.
The one thing that is keeping me back now, is that I wouldn’t be able to see all of the shocked faces and the tears of my family and friends. To see them cry with sheer agony, to see my BROTHER cry with sheer agony…. that would be the best thing in the world. Really. That thought is the only thing that makes me smile these days.