Wisp

We’re all just toys that are being played with by the elite.
Not only saying this because of corona.
I’m still pretending to fit into this world. I’ll never really fit in. I know i just have to be fake. Oh well.

I don’t really feel like doing anything anymore. But sometimes i do feel like it. I’m not scared of death. I feel suicidal on and off as usual. But i most likely won’t be attempting in any kind of way in the future. An accident would be the best way for me. But i still have some things I sadly need to deal with […]

I’m sorry if my post looks like some kind of virtue signalling.
As if it wasn’t already bad enough. Now the rates of domestic violence, mental illness, and other things are going to go through the roof. People are already killing themselves due to the lockdowns and isolation.
People are losing everything, their jobs, and they can’t even go and visit others (depends on the lockdown severity).

And yes it amazes me (but it shouldn’t) on how easily people are controlled. Humanity is such a failure!
I’m not denying the severity of corona though.
That’s as far as I’ll write.

Nothing brings me happiness. Only my ex did, when I was with him in real life.
Going to sleep nowadays scares me because I keep having nightmares about my dad (again), even though it’s been nearly 2 years since I left him.
I’m super unproductive now. I don’t really do anything except eat, drink, shower, sleep, and fumble with my phone and laptop, mostly doing random google searches and playing a certain video game.
I feel like I’m whinging. I probably am whinging. The coronavirus stuff isn’t helping either.

This coronavirus is making me even more suicidal. I think the large amount of boredom caused by it might just send me to the grave

Ok. I’d like to do it in the next few months. I’m too tired to keep going. There’s other various factors at play too, for example the fact that I don’t like this world for different reasons. Nothing is really keeping me around. I’m not really enjoying this anyway. Well I’ve been suicidal on and off since 2011.

Heck if I died in my sleep, that would be great. Don’t want to deal with any of this crap anymore. I’m really tired of pretending and faking. I can’t keep up this appearance. I really can’t. I’m falling apart. Please can it end already? I’m spending alot of time wishing I just didn’t exist. :/

I think I just want to go in a few months, my life is so unfulfilling and boring. I don’t care to go on much longer. I’m sick of pretending to be happy and ok. I have no hobbies or interests really. My ex will be fine. He’s not going to be lonely. He’s got a new group online where he can talk to people from the game server. He doesn’t need me. If I decide to end it I’ll have to make sure he doesn’t find out. But sadly he probably will because if he contacts me and doesn’t hear back from me I […]

Not suicide related

I volunteer at a shop (unpaid) and it tends to get quiet and I have nothing to do, same with the other 2 women who work there, they mostly just stand there chatting. I guess according to the manager woman I’m meant to stare at a wall and do nothing instead of being on my phone. Oh I guess it might be because she senses that I’m not rich like her and can’t afford to go away every week end interstate. Lol that’s absolutely great for you if you can do that every weekend, I’m happy for you. Want me to help out? […]

I’m wondering if the best way to see who your real friends are is to be homeless.
I’ve heard that many lose their friends when they become homeless. In short, people just don’t care. And I guess their friends suddenly see them as nothing as well.
:/

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I hate that I have to live another day knowing that my ex boyfriend doesn’t care about me and doesn’t want me to talk to him…
I’ve unleashed so much erratic and irrational behaviour to him. I sometimes feel ok, but this guilt is constantly lingering inside me… I’m forever going to have to live with this guilt.
I want to genuinely apologize for all the hurt, pain, and suffering that I’ve caused him but I know he wouldn’t be interested in hearing it.
I am thinking that I should wait a few months to do this, but I am itching to do it now! […]

I spent nearly all my savings on seeing my long distance relationship ex boyfriend, which was for 2 months.

He lives in the other side of the world, all in all it took me months to save up. He also saved up alot of money too…

He actually ended up in debt again because he spent so much. I ended up nearly broke, and I’m still broke.

whatever you do, don’t spend your savings on something like this, unless you plan to end it soon, perhaps. Again the relationship didn’t last, I feel like I just wasted my money for nothing. 🙁

Inb4 someone says that my ex […]

I know I’ll never get over my ex. I didn’t get over him over the first breakup, and I’m not going to ever get over him after the second. He’s like a drug… I’ve installed and deleted the chat app so many times, I’ve tried to take breaks from him, it doesn’t work, and I relapse and I talk to him for hours again, mostly telling him about how I feel and I want him back. He has feelings for me but doesn’t want me back in a relationship.

Yeah I’m really not going to live like this. Nothing has really changed since my last post. […]

Well. I’ll try to take a few months to tie up some ends and then I’ll better off myself!

My boyfriend broke up with me again, why bother living, I’m nearly broke… No goals, no hopes, nothing. I don’t even want to go to my volunteering anymore, that I started recently.

Despite everything, he’s the only thing that made me happy. But I can’t have him. LDRs are so difficult. I’d hope he would come back in the future but I don’t have the energy to bother. I’ve had nothing to eat today. I’m really hungry and I don’t think I really even care. I should eat…

Well, […]

I can’t do this shit for much longer. There’s not much point in having a boyfriend who lives so far away. Now I’m back to my boring, crap, miserable existence. I really want to help him out but what’s the point… I don’t know how I’m meant to wait to see him in person again. Fuck there really is a reason why women go after rich guys or guys with money at least… well I wanted to not be such a shallow ***** but I can’t pretend I don’t ponder this, or at least that I don’t ponder getting a local boyfriend instead. Because, I […]

Not suicide related

Long distance relationships are far too difficult. I just spent 2 months with him in real life and now I’m going back to my boring miserable life back home. I want a better job, I want to be productive, I would even consider volunteering.

Gosh it really does seem easier to end my life knowing I’ve enjoyed these 2 months very much.

This just hurts so bad. I’m so lonely and I want to cry all the time. It’s torture.

Not suicide related

Soon I’ll be back in my home country. I’ve spent nearly all my money on my boyfriend (oops?)
I hope I’ll make the flight back, it’s very long. I’m going to help him out. I’ve got to get a better job (wouldn’t think I’d have my other one anymore because I’ve been gone so long). I’ve got to get somewhere. This will be my duty to myself and to him. A bunch of hard work for a potential life of bliss? Well, even if he does l break up with me again, hopefully I’ll be in a better position for myself. So yes […]

Not really suicide related

The other day me and my boyfriend thought that we would take our laptops with us in the car. Mine was in a backpack, which also contained my passport. And some asshole broke into the vehicle and stole the backpack. So now I’m out a nice laptop and a passport. And I’ll have to get a new passport, at the very least an emergency one. Well I hope they’ll let me get that kind :/

Of course, I bet nothing will happen to the ones who stole my stuff.

This isn’t fair at all. Literally the only thing stolen was the backpack […]

not suicide related

I really like my boyfriend alot. But I notice the emptyness and darkness in his eyes and soul… always have, really…
He’s pretty overwhelming but he’s not boring lol.
I feel like a burden to him but he doesn’t want to hear it. He’s very agile and flexible (I’m not agile or flexible at all), I have bad gum disease and I get blood on the sheets and pillows, not even my mum gets blood all over pillows and sheets and she’s 66 or something… so I feel disgusting as well and I’m sorry he even has to put up with that. He […]

not suicide related

I feel that everyone else is somewhat agile. I’m only a bit agile when I wear closed in trainers, it seems. Everyone else can get out of a ferris wheel car unassisted, no problem. But when I tried, I felt like I couldn’t balance and I didn’t want to fall. and my boyfriend had to help me get out (he held my arm). Yeah I don’t really expect to be able to climb certain things like my boyfriend can but this is ridiculous. I bet he’s secretly laughing at my bad balance…