It’s inevitable now, I’m going to drink antifreeze, about 5oz of it like 200ml, it just sucks it’s so bitter or I think I’d be able to down more, I know “no methods” but I wonder what mixer would make it more bearable. Then immediately after down a bunch of hydroxyzine, Xanax, klonopin (since glycol takes almost up to 3 days to be fatal I wanted to be out for the first half) Whatever I wake up to (I hope not a hospital) the “what if” urge I’ve been having for the last three months will be gone, I’ve never tried this much poisoning. I’m […]
Since apparently I can’t die lol just kidding, I’ve had 4 attempts and survived them all so it’s just an inside joke I have with myself, kind of like Kaido in the show One Piece, but anyway I want to live.
Have you ever heard of this type of obsession?
My obsession is about constantly questioning my sincerity of what I say, do, and think. I’m really bad with examples but it’s pretty much fixating on my intent towards almost everything, whether that intent was sincere or if I’m just faking it. I can’t convince myself otherwise I just keep doubting and obsessing if I’m doing/saying/thinking something for the reason I initially intended. Idk how to explain it any further because I’m obsessing whether this is a sincere post with the intent being to find others like me or if I’m just looking for attention. That’s really […]
Okay, so I was playing Metal Gear Solid V, it’s a video game, and there was a cutscene where my character is escaping from a guy trying to kill him and there’s also a couple other random characters running too.
Thats the background here’s my “point.”
A random character falls down and grabs my foot and says “please save me I don’t want to die.” (He ends up dying, he was shot)
When I saw it I wondered, “why wouldn’t you want to die?” “Why are you struggling so much?” “What’s so valuable in your life that it’s worth you not wanting to die?” I know, I know […]
Long story short by the time I got to the GWB 7 cop cars pulled up and took me to the hospital. Didn’t even have a chance to be on the bridge to consider the leap. That was months ago, since then I’ve been continuing my meaningless life of frustration and stagnation. It’s 5am and I’ve been looking up hanging methods but too lazy and stupid to retain the info for applicable use. I came back because I do believe my death will not be natural, it will be Suicide, I can’t imagine just waiting years and years to die when all I do is […]
Too afraid to live and too afraid to die, not being the person you thought you were and realizing you never will be.
Goodbye mofos, to all of those crying suicide because of a boyfriend or girlfriend just shut up lol seriously at least you were capable of love at one point in your life, you have screws tight and not loose, you’ll survive. I’ve been drinking wine lately to cope with the time until, well, you know. People of SP im not trying to belittle your reasons to die, your reasons don’t matter at all. Trust me, no one cares. You are born alone and will die alone, […]
Holy shit. Wow. 33 days or so ago I made this vow to end it on my birthday and now comes the time to follow through with…..everything….it’s for the best…..for everyone. I’ve been in positions where there was no turning back like my boxing matches where once you enter that ring that’s it you’re in it, but, this type of “no turning back” is heavier in the sense that well obviously once I make that jump it’s over but I really can’t turn back because […]
And I am pretty scared lol I mean it’s natural right? Like what if this and what if that. I have OCD too so that doesn’t help with the doubt I feel about it all creating scenarios in my head of the day over and over just obsessing over the uncertainty. Fuck….it’s really going down…literally and figuratively. I still need to buy the Jameson (liquid courage) put in a Gatorade water bottle so incognito while I have it on the bridge looking like a jogger. […]
1 Bridge
1 bottle of Jameson
1 track of music (https://youtu.be/b3Dv3tDhnJc)
1 leap (terrified of heights but more terrified of living an empty life)
To end 24 years of a pathetic life and to ensure that there won’t be 24 more.
I will not be in a world that I am incapable for.
Happy Birthday to me. 1993-2017
“I’m not who I thought I was and I’m terrified that I never will be.”
Why would I accept myself when the myself that I’m accepting is intolerably useless and weak?
Are a curse as well as dreams especially if all it’s ever been is filled with emptiness and unfulfillment. No wonder I have no motivation to live or do anything, all I’ve ever known is inadequacy and failure.
Sam’s Point
Myself included, I tolerate my existence I don’t like it at all. What’s the point then? Why tolerate it? And even worse if you know you can’t fix it, like I KNOW I can’t fix me, the fact while my peers live their life I’m trying to work at being mentallly ready for life falling further behind day by day, just to be a different me, can you be a different you? Really what’s the point of getting out of bed and looking at […]
Sounds good to me. Pushing a gas pedal is much less intimidating than using your feet to jump off a cliff. I’ll be drunk anyway, popping a few klonopin, unbuckle the seatbelt and let Mother Earth physically destroy me just like how my life itself has destroyed me mentally. The burden which is me will be gone, I don’t have to live in a society where I’m too cognitively and socially inept for, and no more bullshit psychiatric “help” to give me false hope instead […]
I don’t belong anywhere, I would push away inferior friends for superior ones in the case of popularity, I’m a shitty person, I can’t feel love, joy, desire, or the will to want to get up and just do. I’m trapped in my head 24/7 thinking nonsensical things about nothing while other times my mind is blank and empty so I walk around my house aimlessly not saying a word for periods of time. I can’t connect or relate with people, psychiatrists and therapists don’t get it, they don’t see that my mind and the thinking pattern and the way I see life is so […]
Slept 17 hours today. Don’t feel like facing my existence consciously. DONT FEEEL LIKE FACING ANYTHING REALLY
I feel like jumping out of my skin today because it’s getting harder and harder to cope with my unaware narcissistic fake ***** “oh but I’m your mother I gave birth to you” mother. It takes more than giving birth to be a mother, she really was just a stupid snotty girl in an adult body raising me. Hereditary wise she’s the reason I am the way I am. That’s not why I hate her, I hate her because of the acting like an do it all angel in front of others and a fucking mentally abusive demon behind closed doors. I heard boys with […]
Well it’s 4:38am here in NY, in 2 hours I will be driving 2 hours to check out the mountain/cliff I’ll be driving off of and I couldn’t fall asleep just having my usual intrusive future scenario thoughts of how my relatives around the nation would react and if I survived would they topple over me with pity and more support that I don’t want I just want to be gone. That’s how I get rid of those thoughts by repeating the word “GONE” in […]
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