Author

silvermoon

I don't know. Hurting person. Fucked up head. Too much pain. Depression unbearable. No way out. Tired. Want to go home. Torturous thoughts. Never ends. Suffered enough. Clenched jaw and shit floors and evil parents and insane brain. Enough.

so much fun

by silvermoon 8/18/2019

written by silvermoon

i give up on people and life

struggled how many years alone with no family on disability unseen by this world. can barely leave my apt. some days. i struggle out the side door, live with predators and bullies and the worst of humanity. try and relate to someone all they care about is me giving them a plastic cup back when i didn’t even remember it was in my hand. i forgot humans only care about their stuff not you .

fell for a narcissist and he manipulated, came back to talk for hours then threw me away like trash again, my “best friend” backbited me […]

8/18/2019 1 comment

sad

by silvermoon 12/30/2016

written by silvermoon

i was never your toy, or an object. what is the real world? the real world is men violating women and children, abusing them, then walking away without giving two fucking FUCKS. hide behind your keyboards, your beer, your denial, your a-athy, your i-don’t-give-a-shit, but today a child will die from abuse, today a girl is being molested, as i was, by her own father, today the children are tortured and die at the hands of adults and their own fathers and even mothers. this is a culture that hates children, hates the weak, hates women. i was abused at home, school, the streets, jobs, […]

12/30/2016 3 comments

life of cruel

by silvermoon 7/15/2016

written by silvermoon

life is a cruel sick joke, a twisted game. they say see a therapist, the last one charged me 500.00. i am on medicare/medicaid, that twisted ***** was making a fortune off of me. never want to see another T again. ive had at least two refuse to see me b/c they cant handle my history of incest, homelessness, ptsd, disability, trauma, and all the lovely shit along the way.

found a photo online of my abuser. dont want to go into it other than to say that evil wins. i tried to protect the innocent only to say that the evil always win down here.

i […]

7/15/2016 3 comments

alone

by silvermoon 3/20/2016

written by silvermoon

i have had the day from hell. sexual abuse, alone, no family, saw my mother, her denial of what my father did to me, i ended the day with loud music in my earbuds and finished off the brandy. it helped. it numbed. im not a drinker but sometimes i do. what csa has done to me is not pretty, i am always suffering, i want to find a painless way to say goodbye wont think of god, wont serve the devil, either, cant see her anymore, life so painful, nobody knows, every day, ive had enough of being so alone, nobody knows, no, nobody

3/20/2016 3 comments

torture

by silvermoon 10/15/2015

written by silvermoon

idk why nothing gets better

it doesn’t

i feel so much pain in being alive so alone such a struggle so hard now every day it’s like trying to breathe can’t breathe literally sometimes

the list of bad things is too long, the past always knocking me in the eye

i know im going to die soon b/c i cant bear sexual abuse and it’s horrors all alone anymore the fb’s the depression the noise terrorism the paranoia the past running into people i dont want to see the stigma

and at this point im really looking forward to it

it would be nice if there had been god at all […]

10/15/2015 2 comments

abandoned

by silvermoon 7/5/2015

written by silvermoon

if your ptsd ever got to the point where you constantly heard his voice

or compulsively checked email and fb hoping someone cared enough to say hello

no one had your back, no family

bad memories only self hatred hating everything about yourself and your life

nothing did the trick

and all you saw was terror and homelessness around the corner

if even walking you had panic attacks and felt paranoid

if you felt they would soon come and “take you away”

if you felt you didnt deserve to live

if you had night terrors and heard actual voices, if you couldnt have a real partner

if everything you did was futile and left you […]

7/5/2015 0 comment

i dont know

by silvermoon 6/24/2015

written by silvermoon

I’m so exhausted and lonely. I am so alone. I just want to cut open my wrists. All I do is have pain. Fb’s come and go. No family. I guess god wants me to come home? i don’t know. all i see is a bad future. where i live is such hell. a woman actually posted a “go away” sign on her door. i can hear the new neighbor laughing thru the walls. wish she would shut up, wish i wasnt crying. i dont know how to keep doing this. tried to call a friend, she’s always busy. this is not a life. so […]

6/24/2015 6 comments

moon

by silvermoon 6/20/2015

written by silvermoon

i write the moon for you

the sad silver part

you thought would never shine

for you

i write the waves for you, soft currents

i know your pain is so immense

the moments they rejected you

let the waves wash healing waters

over all of you

let the moon cast away the darkness

with its silver beauty

forked tongue not of death but licking you clean

let the honey wash and heal you

i know this road is bitter

trust me, my darling

and some day let every word you could never utter

be spoken

like beauty

pearled

6/20/2015 6 comments

humans are scum

by silvermoon 6/18/2015

written by silvermoon

I’m tired. Nobody cares, and nobody cares on here most of the time, either. Social media is shit but then again so is life. At least I pour this out. I go to bed and can only sleep now with pills. The internet is as sick a place as the real world, in fact I think it is sicker b/c peoples’ real selves pour out. Lots of toxic crazies in the world, hiding behind their masks, here they don’t have to hide. The 21st century is one barbaric age despite all of our so-called advances. Technology is being used to do things like film “revenge […]

6/18/2015 9 comments

broken down

by silvermoon 6/10/2015

written by silvermoon

broken down

all i hear is your voice

no one to care

nobody there

broken down

noise trauma, battered brain

no one to hear, i am rage filled/insane

can’t take anymore

of this cruel ass life

pain, trauma, false guilt, strife

voices viciously attack me day and night

god’s love? surely you jest?

sick ************ putting us to a tormenting test

tired, insane

soon blow out my brain

nice knowing you

glad you could destroy

your own

daughter

6/10/2015 0 comment

home

by silvermoon 6/6/2015

written by silvermoon

I wake up lonely and go to bed terrified. Complex ptsd is something nobody understands nor wants to. I hate taking meds and wondering what it will do to me. I am isolated living here yet triggered by the people around me. Lately I feel like I’m going insane. Too much rage and torment, self-blame, for years. Too much. Nobody is here. My therapist hasn’t called back, the clinic hasn’t called back, I feel like a discarded person. I left the church since nobody there cared either. The neighbors help superficially but not for friendship. I made a new friend but an old one I […]

6/6/2015 3 comments

against her

by silvermoon 6/4/2015

written by silvermoon

As soon as I leave my place the world is against me. I can’t take it anymore. Stigma of mental illness and suffering. I am still six years old and highly sensitive. I long for a family and someone to care, who is there anymore. What is the best way to go home, I ask myself.

I’ve got to find a way to be ok, and I cannot.

6/4/2015 0 comment

all i cannot say

by silvermoon 6/1/2015

written by silvermoon

all i cannot say i pour out here even tho it feels so painful in a way. i was told to practice self-compassion and i cant. i cant believe anyone cares. the ones who do are the outsiders. everyone else – nope. ive been dealing with really bad depression and isolation. it is hard not to beat yourself up. my heart just had a huge jolt from noise, for me, noise brings up the past. i wonder how much longer i can bare this. my online friend said if i end my life i dont go to a better place and am still “me” and […]

6/1/2015 4 comments

people

by silvermoon 5/31/2015

written by silvermoon

I don’t see hope. I see pain, and a lot of it. I hear voices, and I am exhausted. My life is a couch, and a walk, and sometimes I can eat, and get to places, and sometimes I can’t. No family cares, no church cares, basically, nobody cares, and so I’m saying goodbye soon. Because there has to be some place better than this filthy and disgusting planet full of chemicals and all kinds of horrific things that I can barely stand to live in anymore. The humans have made this planet a waste heap of despair and agony for too many, and I […]

5/31/2015 3 comments

lie

by silvermoon 5/28/2015

written by silvermoon

it is very tiring to feel like the only one, to blame yourself for everything, to see choices that you made that are set in stone in a cruel world. it is very tiring to now have physical symptoms due to stress and feel it is your fault, it is very tiring to be alone and constantly struggling to get around seen by no one in this cruel ass world

ptsd and sexual abuse and no family and loneliness and self-blame and no way to get around and no one who truly cares is a recipe for going home

god doesnt care either b/c god has never […]

5/28/2015 3 comments

the junk

by silvermoon 4/29/2015

written by silvermoon

Nothing is safe in this world least of all the internet but hre I am anyway b/c I’m so tired of doing this. I wake up exhausted every day and in hell. I have a meds appt. today and as usual will have to take two buses and deal with the shit-tastic city and the triggers. I am running out of steam. It’s hard to do anything with this level of ptsd and my T doesn’t want to know about how bad I feel. My apt. is so cold due to being built above the ground that it made me physically ill this winter, I […]

4/29/2015 5 comments

Every Day

by silvermoon 4/24/2015

written by silvermoon

Every day I go thru this. Even on this site, nobody cares, forever the invisible person, hearing his voice in my head. I am tired of bearing the unbearable alone in a triggering hell. I am tired b/c people’s casual judgment can’t begin to touch how bad the remains of what csa has done to me, a battering and torture of my mind heart body and spirit. They can judge thru these words not understanding the anguish I feel in my soul, how my brain can feel so scary, how noise batters me, how his horrible voice accosts me, how I have panic attacks in […]

4/24/2015 7 comments

the world

by silvermoon 4/20/2015

written by silvermoon

I am extremely tired of ptsd. At night I hear malicious whispers that don’t go away. I woke up to the noise from the workman next door here in disability central. There is no sun today. I feel like death, like going away forever. A woman said to stay away from social media if it bothers me, seeing others doing better, she doesn’t grasp that this is a life line for me. Because of the poor sleep I hear his evil voice more often. I’m tired of wondering what this is doing to me physiologically. You know there is no god when you plead with […]

4/20/2015 0 comment

away

by silvermoon 2/26/2015

written by silvermoon

alone and seen by nobody

she walks silently on the road

with only pain to keep her company.

she gives,

and they take,

as always.

noise comes to assault her

and she trembles,

but she is only here

to be brutalized

no one cares

for her brain.

she grows up to plod along

the sides of roads

every cruel mistake

torturing her mind.

everything set up

to make her blame

and hate

only herself,

the child is not allowed

to be angry

at the man.

she looks for love desperately

but in this world

finds nothing

but more pain.

judgment, rejection

no one can see the pain

behind the rage.

no one.

they leave her

and tell her it is because

she is not good enough

for them.

guilt a-plenty consumes her

but no one sees her

no one at all

and soon […]

2/26/2015 2 comments

self-hatred, trapped in hell, my freaking fault may offend you

by silvermoon 2/8/2015

written by silvermoon

Please dont judge me for writing this. I need to get this shit out. You aren’t perfect either, so please dont judge me. Life is a cruel thing, self-hatred is all I am left with, living in a rural place with only snow for company and these terrible things. I can’t shut my perpetrator’s voice off. I can’t shut off the demons. God must really love me, yeah, to punish me so fucking hard. Tired of God. I missed the boat with housing years ago and now will be punished in hell forever b/c of it, forever hating myself, all I want to do is […]

2/8/2015 5 comments

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