sinner

I’m scared that it won’t ever go away – that I’ll feel like this until the end of time. It’s started wearing down what little of me there is left. Even on a good day it’s not far from my mind, and the good days are getting further and further apart.

I just feel alone. Completely and utterly. And I can’t even let anyone in, because they’d just leave. Or be dragged down with me, and that’s worse. I have to keep such a distance from everyone. Everything. So I’ve been alone. So… alone. I feel hopeless. And weak. Cowardly. I’m a failure for letting myself […]

I read all the old posts I’ve written over time, last night. Didn’t realize I sounded so whiny. So childlike. It makes me cringe even now. Don’t know how anyone read them and took them seriously, including myself.

I’m sitting here. Again. Sitting and rotting as usual. My leg’s still throbbing from what I did a bit ago. I try to focus on that instead of what I’m feeling now, which is just… not well. I can’t even put it into words. Came here thinking I had a lot to say but I just don’t. It all just… stings I guess. My worth or lack thereof […]

Last night, I couldn’t sleep for hours. I had the same thought, same urge, over and over and over for hours before that. I’ve had it before, though never did it. Well, last night, I did. It still hurts. I did it earlier tonight too but it’s not near as bad – kinda quit in the middle of it, got distracted by something. Can’t remember what. The pain is nice compared to the other stuff. Someone came over – my mom’s mom, the one who causes nothing but shit for us all. Pulled my hair and got mad that I reacted negatively. All I thought […]

I just… want to feel something- anything- other than this. I’ve been like this for months now. And it feels like it’s only getting worse- that I’m slowly sinking. I can’t bring myself to do anything, it’s nearly impossible to find joy in anything. I’ve isolated myself from everyone. I don’t have any energy to talk, no energy to come up with good lies or excuses when people on the outside ask about things. So I just kinda sit here. And I sit. And I rot. It’s so hard to bring myself to care, but when I do I just feel embarrassed, and ashamed. Knowing […]

Idk what I’m doing on here – I mean, I’m no different than I am any other time. Today was alright. Was able to hang w my little sister for awhile. Showed her how to play Skyrim a bit, fucked around. It was fun. I may or may not have had to do most of the work, but I was fine with it ahaha. Also, idk what’s up mom’s ass lately, but I’m getting tired of it. The passive aggressive “oh you could do x, y, z for me/us, since you don’t ever do anything” or acting like I’m the most disgusting, vile creature on […]

I just feel like I’m drowning. I’m so numb. I’m so tired of everything. Most of all, I’m tired of myself. I yearn for escape of any kind. Release. An end to all of this chaos, that never leaves my mind. The chaos of this world in general. The chaos that is myself. I’m exhausted. I’m mentally and emotionally just… drained. I’ve been drained for months. I don’t think it will ever end. I think I will constantly be in this drained state, even IF (a big if) I get around to getting my life actually, ya know, started… but that’s just the way of […]

I can’t really remember the last time I’ve felt okay. Or present, really. Been really dissociated and stuck in my own head. Stepping away from reality for a while’s kinda nice. I very rarely sleep. I’ve not done anything w my life yet. Was supposed to start school but I procrastinated on signing up for so long I ended up missing deadlines. No one knows except me. I know they’d all just be ashamed of me if they knew, and it’d be justified. It’s hard to say I find joy in anything anymore, other than perhaps the maladaptive daydreams I get myself stuck in, and […]

i wish i would just do it already. i dont know what stops me. other than being a coward. i feel like im at the brink of losing it. ive already failed. im a failure. but being a not-failure is too much. being a somebody – doing anything that matters – is too much. i am so tired. but ive done nothing. literally. nothing. i am nothing. what am i even holding on for. theres nothing. fucking nothing! i shouldve killed myself long ago. 2018. i dont know what stopped me then. or now. or ever. theres no point anyway. this world is awful. im […]

Life doesn’t even feel real to me right now. More like a vague nightmare that I can’t remember fully but remember how scary and painful it was/is. I barely grasp the passing of time throughout the day. I guess I avoid it too, since it’s a very big anxiety for me – watching time pass. Especially with shit to do that I just can’t bring myself to get done. There’s a lot I need to get done. I’m stuck in a limbo in life right now – in between still being a kid and growing up. The next steps scare me. Talking to people scares […]

I miss being that special person. Someone’s favorite. I miss mattering that much to a person. To her. She said I made her feel like she mattered, like she was worth loving. She made me feel that way too. And now she’s gone. I really doubt she’s coming back this time. I have stuff I got on her birthday still, April 1st, in my closet. I was going to give them to her once we were able to see each other again irl. I still have the bear she gave me. I still have the necklace I made in art class I was going to […]

i don’t even want to do anything. nothing seems fun. my games, my art, my music, my writing, the videos i watch. my body won’t even let me sleep the day away. the people above our apartment continuously scream and stomp and body slam into the floor, which is just so awesome. mom and stepdad have been fighting. even better. I can’t even use the normal fucking laundry basket because of it. jokes on them, i haven’t changed out my clothes in days. i’m bored, but there’s nothing fun to do. even my typical things. my comfort things. nothing is fun anymore. everything is so bleak […]

i dont think im strong enough to continue living. im so, so weak. and tired. i dont want to hurt anyone… but i can barely take it anymore

I think if I could find one of their pieces, I’d shoot myself with it.

I’m fucking tired of everything. Literally nothing I do is right in anyone’s eyes. I’m constantly walking on eggshells around everybody because they get angry at me.

I can’t even do right by my mom, apparently, even though I have given her a little over 2,000 fucking dollars despite being a unemployed loser ass. Recently I’ve had to help make sure she doesn’t kill herself because her mental health isn’t good. She told me she’s tried to off herself multiple times because she “missed us so much” and other things. And she […]

All I am is a fuck up.

The month that started all this shit in 2018. I wrote that fucking note and got sent away with my sisters. I had the problems for years beforehand, but I guess that was the first “scare” where I was genuinely going to try at some point to end it. On the 21st I moved away, telling her goodbye, never seeing her in person since. It fucked so much up. It made me unreliable to everyone, I wasn’t there so I couldn’t help with anything. This happened all right before my mom’s birthday, too, so I fucked that up as well. I’m not stupid enough at […]

Not really a whole lot to say, not much has changed in my head for awhile now. I’m so tired all the time, but I can’t even sleep and it’s kinda fucking me over. I got to go out of the house today with my mom, shopping and to get some food, and I think it was a good thing for me – at least it got me showered and what not. Plus I got to hang with mom for a bit, which I always enjoy doing. It was very dreary today. I’m trying to eat as little as possible. Not 100% sure why, but […]

I can’t keep doing this. The thoughts repeat over and over and over again and they’re so loud I can’t take it anymore, I feel like it’s all pressing against my skull and I’m going to explode. I can’t. Literally can’t. I really just don’t want […]

I have the feeling of being stuck, being in the middle of some dark and bleak body of water, knowing if I slip just once I’ll sink to my death. Cold and tired, stranded at sea. I’m tired of it all, I’m tired of hurting. Lately my sleep has been terrible, even with sleep medicine. I just can’t, I guess. Everything is so overwhelming, it keeps me up.

Sometimes I’m not sure I can take myself seriously. As in, maybe it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be, on here, in my head. That I’m just being dramatic, b.itching over nothing. I see […]

Today marks yet another year I’ve lived. It feels a bit odd, I still feel like an overgrown child. I wish I could say I’ve changed or improved in some crazy way, but I haven’t. I still feel like all I really do is burden people. They’d probably be better off. I still feel as if I’m at fault for a lot of things. I realize at some point I will make an attempt to end it all. I hear horror stories of the future and it makes me paranoid, I don’t want to live through any of it. An off switch. I’m tired of […]

I’m so desperately lonely. I want to know the feeling of being held again. I want this bullshit in my head to fucking stop. I just want to know someone doesnt find me fucking annoying, apparently, because everyone around me acts like I’m the most annoying inconvenient person to be around. Even if its supposedly a “joke” like my stepdad saying that yes I am annoying over and over again and I kept apologizing but he wouldnt stop… And I know it’s a god damn joke to him because he takes nothing seriously it seems, which is another thing entirely. Maybe its projecting because I really am […]