sinner

A dark, mucky, thick sea of thoughts. Just let me sleep and go away. Please.

I think about all the times I probably made things so much worse for him. Mentally. Guilt eats away at me and it’s my own fault. My fault, my fault, per usual.

I contacted some old friends to thank them for everything they’ve done/likely goodbye forever. One of them called knowing something was up. I was sobbing the moment I woke up and it was nice to hear from her and the other friend again. They asked me about god. I don’t know how I feel about it/have issues with the religion […]

Stupid little dumb dumb

Pathetic little idiot

Better off dead to the world due to your rot

Worthless rot worthless rot worthless rot you are nothing but worthless rot

The unlovable mistake, the annoying little brat, the failure at life, the moron who would be better off dead. The selfish brat who still acts like a child because you are stupid and worthless. The shit daughter, the bitchy oldest sibling. The vile to look at little worm. Nothing but a disgusting little worm. Nothing nothing nothing.

You don’t deserve your friend. You don’t deserve any of your family’s support. You don’t deserve you partner, who all you’ve ever done is […]

Good feelings faded for today. I feel like dying. Just dying, dying. At least most of today was a fun day. I’m very tired and sunburnt. My legs hurt to a point I could cry. Worth it, in the end, I guess. But now I’m stuck in the car with grandparents arguing and it’s always bad when these grandparents fight because it always gets loud and scary. It’s like I’m surrounded by the rotten sounds.

I miss him. Despite everything today, and the past 2 weeks, he’s still in my fucking head. The silence. It’s been over a month, close to 2 now. And I cant […]

Lots of little knives in my head, clawing and ripping my brain apart into little chunks of rotten sadness until it is no more. Lots of fists and knives in my heart as it tears itself apart and leaves me broken. But for what must I suffer this punishment? I yet not know. The drain in da brain drained away all my ambitions and dreams. Makes you wonder, hm? I’m left stuck here in a limbo of sorts. No one notices. Nobody notices that the dreams feel more real than the reality, and my disconnection here. No one no one no one.

They left me out […]

I can’t feel my hands as I type this. I can’t breathe.  I can’t stop thinking. I can’t do this anymore I can’t I can’t I just can’t. I keep thinking about it. I have to stop thinking about it. But I can’t. What is wrong with me. Why am I like this. Fuck. I can feel it. Doing something impulsive. There’s no one to talk to. No one I can talk to. I’m all alone. I shouldn’t be. I don’t think I can control it. Oh my god I just want to fucking die and I want escape from this horrible life and this […]

life seems more unappealing as the days go on realizing more and more everyday how much of a burden you are to everyone you love and you only cause inconvenience or pain and make everyone not want to talk to you because you’re nothing but a pile of rot. and then you realize it would be beneficial if you died because your best friend would surely be happier with a different friend and your partner could be happier without your existence and your family doesnt have to live with a disappointment everyday because they know you’re just a worthless loser. so then you sit in […]

I just want to feel something else other than this deep sadness. And alone. I just want to be able to focus on something other than all my thoughts. I wish I had energy to do things. Fun things, not just things I have to get done.

I wish there was something I liked about myself but there’s not. What’s not boring is shit and what’s not shit is just dull. Maybe if I could find something I […]

I’m just not worth it, am I?

How could I be? This rotten shell of a self, a selfish pathetic and worthless human being. How could you possibly want to talk to me? Or have anything to do with me? Or love me? When I’m clearly nothing but a nuisance.

Is that why you disappear for so long? Do you regret me? I cant say I blame you. Am I doing something wrong? Or did you realize before I did how rotten I am? How could I ever hope, much less expect, that you would continue talking to me all this time? How dare I, really. I’m […]

I regret waking up. I just feel so low. So worthless. So stupid. Partially for the last few posts. Just shows how pathetic of a brat I am. A rotten brat. I should just go back to sleep and never show my face…

I hope my partner texts back soon, at some point… silence kills me. I know its probably all my fault anyway, but I just want to know if they’re alright, if they still even care… but moving on, because thinking of that for too long makes everything worse.

This weekend I’m going with my friend to see her family up at the lakes, a […]

Nobody ever listens to me, god damn it. My mom guilt trips me about not being moved up here with her already, knowing shit has come up, and she still after years and years of compliance and being honest with everything she wants to know, apparently I am some liar that she can’t trust. But she won’t ever fucking say that, she’ll just say over and over and over how much she values honesty and none of her kids better EVER fucking lie to her. Forgetting all the shit she lied about for years.

My dad will bring up shit I *must* get done, […]

I already feel like I’m dying, and it’s just getting worse. I just want to die and get it over with, I’m tired of suffering like this. I can’t even cry, and I want to so fucking bad. This feeling I have physically weighs me down, I get tired and zone out through everything. I just want it to stop. This feeling is so horrible and its bubbling up and breaking me into pieces. I can barely move now. I’m just stuck here. In this hell. God I’m already fucking dying. I don’t even feel like a human. I don’t know what I feel like […]

I can’t do this anymore. I just need to escape this world. Escape this prison of my mind. I’m alone, and I’m selfish and worthless and rotten. I can’t live with myself if no one is there for me. I’m tired. I’m so depressed and in constant pain. I think of walking away and never coming back. Walk away from all responsibilities and the past and myself and just keep walking. No need to come back. No one wants me back anyway. It hurts so much. It’s not gonna matter if I’m alive or not. So what’s the point. If dyings the only way out, […]

I can’t sleep. I’m at my friend’s house – she’s been asleep since 8:00 which is wild to me. No hate to her, I’ve just become more nocturnal by the night. I’m glad we got to hang out for a bit. I’m also glad I got out of the house for awhile – I get out of babysitting for a night at least. I’ve been watching YouTube, listening to music and drawing to keep myself busy until I get tired. I feel more comfortable here, I feel liked, I guess, and not just needed to help with my sisters all the time and being stuck […]

Today’s not really been that great. I’m just really depressed, and lonely, and constantly fighting my head. I picked up a game I havent played in awhile and played that for quite a while. It was nice… I’ve not had much energy for any of that. I also picked up a pencil and drew something for the first time in a month. Wasted a few hours on youtube, wasting data… but I dont really want quiet today, my thoughts are too loud. Today’s been wasted, like I waste all my other days. I feel like my existence is just a waste. I need to get […]

I’m sorry to everyone (irl) who care(s)(d) about me in this life, despite being a worthless little nothing. For whining and being selfish. For being unreliable and bad with words for comfort. Even when trying to help, which is as much as possible, all I do is destroy and ruin. To my partner: you deserve better… I think you know that. I’m sorry I wrote the note that got me sent here. Everything after has been a domino effect of that. I’m sorry for being so disgusting and selfish. I still love you.

I havent eaten anything yet today and I dont think I will. For two […]

I’m broken. I’m unsure if I can really be fixed. I’m hurt and broken and miserable by the day. I’m the rot that I created of myself, made of broken bits of my rotten pathetic self. All there is, is constant hurting. A constant hell. And what if, say, it never stops? Because I’m starting to believe, and becoming terrified of, this being truly neverending. I’m never going to get out of my head. Away from these thoughts. And I read so many things from people saying the same, it doesnt ever really stop. It just pretends to for awhile. Then you’re stuck waiting for […]

I just woke up minutes ago. But for what? I’m alone, I dont know where any of my family is, they’re all on their separate outings I guess. I was having good dreams. I want to go back to sleep. I slept about 11 hours, waking up here and there. Why am I still so exhausted? I feel like I didnt sleep at all.

There are things needing to be done, like my laundry, I need to shower, and more packing as well. I dont feel like doing any of it. I feel like maybe I could sit through a full LOTR movie, I might do […]

realized today how much I really do daydream, and how I don’t even live in this reality, but in the worlds I have created in my mind instead. I notice while I thought about it how its been the only way I’ve been happy at all, about 95% of my life. of course, now and then, it will turn on me… my mind is still dumb as shit, y’know? but all of these elaborate imaginings, especially the ones being with friends, or being with my partner (long distance really fucking sucks.) …. all of it… isnt real. and it makes me really sad, and it […]

I’m… in a lot of pain right now. I’ve nowhere else to turn to right now. I just. Oh god. Everything hurts. I just want to die. I’m forcing myself to shut down otherwise I will ball my eyes out here at my dads girlfriend’s house. It hurts so bad. It’s a physical ache. Please go away. Just. Please. I.

I got my partner’s texts 20 minutes later. I responded, but I know I wont get anything back for awhile. That’s okay, it’s my fault for being fucking stupid and not having my phone on me for too long. 2nd time in a row. Last time […]

I can’t handle being real right now. Why does it never go away? What am I doing wrong? I feel so pathetic and stupid. I’m at my best friends house right now and she went back to sleep. It’s too quiet. I don’t even deserve friends. I’m acting like a child. I think I’m needing the distraction because it’s […]