You messaged. I should message back. Why? So you can say hey? So the conversation can stop? I want to message but about what? We have nothing to talk about and i feel like I’m better off shutting up anyway.
Ive been getting “randomly” sick for a bit now. Ill have a headache, an upset stomach, and just generally feel like im dying (in terms of how sick i am. Literally curled up on the floor.)
Last night we were watching a hells kitchen episode. One of the contestants laid his head on the counter and i was like “lol he looks like me”. He comes back “the doctor said i havent eaten enough”. I internally drop, “oh shit”. The ‘funny’/worse part, i got my typical sickness shortly after. I ended up throwing up 5-7 times. My husband even noting “theres nothing for you to even […]
I just blocked my friends again. I went on a random chat as kind of like a whatever thing. And now I’m talking to him offsite and wondering….. What were the chances? Is this a sign to move on? I’ve already destroyed what i had with my friends… With them i feel horrible but away from them i miss them.
I’m going to hate myself if i continue with this…. :'(
But, it gives me a blank slate. I’ll just hide my disorders. I can be “normal” like back in school….
He doesnt need to know i cut. That i have “irregular” eating patterns. That i have a […]
Im dealing with ptsd tonight. And i just cant see how it wasnt my fault. I felt uncomfortable. I knew. But i still kept going back. I continuously chose him over others. Its my fault i almost got r***d…
“LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” she screamed, as the blood ran down her leg. The pain intensifying. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” she yelled, her body growing warm. The feeling of the alcohol flowing through her veins. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” she cried, crashing to the ground in tears. Her mental pain too much to handle.
She just wanted it to be over…
Last night i cut
Last night i smoked up
Last night i drank
Last night i huffed npr
Just leave me alone. Im my own downfall. You cant save me.
“i would have stayed up with you all night, had i know how to save a life”
sadly its more […]
Growing up my stepdad had me working outside, my mother was braiding my hair. BPD on its own comes with identity issues, forget the parents wanting something but not getting it. sometimes i dont mind doing my hair or painting my nails. sometimes i want to go work on the car. im female but only when its brought to my attention. for the most part i dont think about it or care.
being both genders but neither kind of had this out of place feeling.
i dont care what other people think/know. i still go by she/her. its easier for others, what im use to […]
theres no point in living when i cant do anything. i was thinking that maybe i could save a bit of money, every now and again spend the weekend at a hotel to be at least a little independent maybe, but as in my last post, i cant deal with people. i cant even do that.
how am i suppose to get a job, a place, groceries. i cant do anything. theres just no point in continuing like this
everything about talking to people in person, is unsettling to me. i literally dissociate every time i have to interact with someone. i have no idea what to say. i literally have a script of basic things to say in my head that i go over before the interaction. “just say good morning, here you go and get out of there”. i cant even handle something that basic without feeling like my eyes are inverting. or like theyve sunken to the back of my head. i feel bad if i dont have eye contact because “youre suppose to” but doing it makes me sooooo uncomfortable.
I will always go with the demons…
We’re at the store and i decided i want m&ms so i ran over to let him know. And someone held the door for me while i asked my husband to grab them for me. I feel horrible for not saying thank you. Im sure if i told you why i didnt youd understand…
I have anxiety and there were people in the store and people behind me and you so i was kind of zoned out just wanting to get out of there. Im sorry i didnt say thank you, i wanted to…
It’s looking like i have TGA (transient global amnesia) or at the very least something closely related. Just fucking grand, thank you bpd, you just had to have urges to hit my head off of shit.
My username is holding true. I wonder what bullshit ill have to pile on top next
“suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”
1) who the fuck are you to tell me my problems are temporary!? I’ll have you know they’re permanent and something I’ll have to deal with my entire life even if i get it straightened out.
2) “your fixes are a temporary fix to my permanent problem” if i go off my meds/stop therapy, if I’m not constantly working on myself, I’m right back where i started. Sounds pretty fucking temporary.
I think these people have their saying backwards and the sad part is, they’ll refuse to understand and just continue to argue about it…. Humans *eye roll*. If […]
after looking at what was in front of me last night i decided to message my friends, shits clearly wrong.
anyway that was just added to go into this next part, which i honestly doubt ill get any legit help with 1) lack of people to reply and 2) my bpd so no offense but if you understand the disorder, youll understand why i say help is probably useless so its more of just a vent i guess.
hes special to me. and i dont feel connected to him at all. consider it a LDR. i dont want to be more involved with his life. from […]
im hungry. but i dont want to eat. i dont even want to have a drink so i can take an advil for my headache. ill think “im hungry” but then ill look at food and just see weight. ive already dropped basically back down to my school weight. and im just about under weight. (the bmi line being 17-18 and mine is currently 19). i know i dont need to lose weight but i hate how i look so much.
honestly it kind of confuses me. ill see other people talking saying “ive gone (pick an hour under a day) without eating” and im going…..but […]
I need a drink. I hate living with others. “don’t drink too much”. Why can’t I do what I want? And right now, I want a drink.
Whatever, you’ll be asleep soon.
It is like a puppeteer and i its puppet. Its nothing more then a game. And im losing…
To give it nothing to put on an act for, am i only falling into its trap?
“To choose between your demons and the person who held you down, girl”
Its been 3 days. I havent said a word….
And neither have you.
Youre probably happy. You probably wish i didnt come back. You tell me you love me. You tell me that you care. But im nothing but problems. You say you look past all of that, but that doesnt mean i dont drain you.
You havent checked on me. I never not message you. Giving me space? Or im right and you dont care. Maybe you did at one point, but one person can only handle so much and i know im too much.
I wish i was dead. Then no one would have to put up […]
You knew not to check. You knew checking for a message would make you check more. You’re doing so good, just don’t talk to them. I don’t know how to not talk to them
When you can’t do shit, life is either telling you to kill yourself, or suffer.
Wanted to enjoy that show you decided you’d like? Nope! Triggers. You can’t watch that.
That game you’ve been working on the past 2 days straight? All that hard work and most of what you collected? GONE!
Why do I bother with anything? There’s no point if everything I work at, if everything I like, gets shoved in my face like I’m a clown and my likes are a pie….
The villagers in my game even rejected me….. There was a dance and everyone said no. The gifts I tried to give to make […]
I can’t enjoy anything without being triggered. There is no life when you can’t do anything :'(