thehusk

On the one hand, want not to exist. Want not to have the experience of being ‘me’. No more regret, no more despair, no more isolation, self-hatred, guilt or shame. For all the wrongness just to be over. No more. Just emptiness instead. And I should do it. I should not exist. What I am should not be.

On the other hand…fear? Fear of? What if it’s not the end? I fear judgement, punishment, torment and eternal regret.

It’s hard for me to believe that this world has a creator capable of sitting in moral judgement. The amount of pointless suffering that takes place in the animal […]

I’ve been trying again to pin down what exactly it is I’m still doing here. As usual I’m failing to find a clear answer. By any standard morality, I would’ve been dead long ago. Any halfway decent person would’ve committed seppuku immediately in my situation. But of course if I were halfway decent, I wouldn’t be in this situation. Clearly, conventional morality doesn’t have a strong enough pull on my mind to motivate me to do ‘the right thing’. I feel shame, I feel guilt, I know that there’s a deep wrongness in me. But that’s apparently just not enough.

I don’t want to hurt my […]

Day after day, I return to the recognition that I don’t know how to live with myself. With my reality. With the awareness of what I’ve done, and what I am. There is no honorable life for me. The closest I could get seems unbearable, and I lack the conviction for it (I cannot explain). I think I would rather die than follow that intolerable path – it seems easier.

There would be little honor in my death either. But it’s still probably what I should do. And yet I don’t. I ask myself why, and what comes back is fear. Why fear? Because I lack […]

Desire is a problem. Wanting things that are most likely not possible. And the mind keeps nagging away at you, reminding you, ‘Hey, remember that thing that’s really important? You should go and find it, right now.’ And then you remember all the reasons why it’s not going to work out that way. And you have that moment of despair, where you realize the only thing that seems meaningful in the world is beyond your grasp, and there’s no point you even existing. But apparently you lack conviction in that assessment, so you try to push down the feeling and go about your day. But […]

It’s ridiculous how much of every day I spend feeling like this. Every few minutes a reminder of how unsatisfactory and unacceptable my life is. How completely screwed I am. That there’s no hope for me. And yet still, apparently, I just don’t want out bad enough. You’d think I would have numbed myself to all of life’s disappointments by now. But I guess I’m too attached to my own suffering to let go. Constantly subconsciously scanning for reminders of what I want but can’t have. The problem is me – my brain, my self, my personality. I do this to myself, because I don’t […]

I think I need some outside input on this. My own feelings fluctuate all over the place.

I’m trying to weigh up whether suicide is the wisest choice for me, as things stand right now. Whether it would be more rational than continuing to live. Whether it would be in my best interests, all things considered. I’ll start by trying to clarify my present state, compared to conditions where I’m fully convinced it would be better to end it.

For starters, I don’t have cancer, or some other terminal disease, or a degenerative condition like dementia. I’m not severely disabled, and I’m not in agonizing pain. I […]

I’m still stuck in the same old loops. It seems that I’m too afraid of death to end it. The rationalization for that is my lack of certainty that death is truly the end. I fear my consciousness somehow persisting, trapped in a state of regret, despair, and torment. I don’t believe in a soul, rationally speaking. But my emotions seem to think otherwise. I lack conviction in my materialist atheism.

Of course I’ll have to take that leap at some point, but I suppose I want to put it off for as long as I can. The idea being that perhaps there’s things that I […]

It’s so funny, the way the mind gets caught up on things that are so clearly terrible for it. How some of us just get stuck. And everyone we talk to about it just wants to scream at us ‘GET THE FUCK OVER IT!’ And we know they’re right! We know it’s maladaptive, it’s pointless. We can recognize, rationally, that this is doing us no good. But no matter how hard we try to reason with ourselves, to attempt to focus on doing something constructive, on moving forward, something in us just keeps wrenching us back.

It’s about meaning. I can know something is no good […]

Fear is my constant companion. Not sheer terror, but a background hum of dread and unease. I would distinguish it from anxiety, which manifests in many worries about trivial details of everyday life. This runs deeper, and colors  everything I do.

I fear judgement. Being confronted with the things I’ve done, and having to answer for them. For others to see the wretchedness within me.

There are fundamental parts of me that I can recognize are wrong, rationally speaking. That could cause great harm in certain circumstances. And yet they don’t feel wrong, in themselves. Quite the opposite. That’s part of the problem. The guilt and the […]

I keep getting sucked back into the past, searching for a time when things still felt meaningful. When I could still sometimes convince myself that I was acceptable. It’s a long time ago now. I desperately want to go back, and somehow preserve that illusion. Stop myself from ruining everything. Push myself to find real connections. Prepare myself for the world. Live a worthwhile life. Find peace.

And I know thinking about all this is pointless and counterproductive. The past is the past. What’s done is done. Those possibilities are simply not open to me anymore, however painful it may be to acknowledge it. The only […]

Much of the time, I find myself wondering if I should end it, before things have a chance to get really bad. Because things can get really bad. Burning alive, ending up horribly mutilated. Spending the rest of your life locked up, facing torture & violent assault, or permanent isolation. Disabled and in agony and unable to move. Things can apparently get really fucking bad.

Perhaps I’m just a coward, or I’m hyper-averse to negative experience. Maybe those are both the same thing. But over and again I come across experiences that make me wonder ‘Is continuing to live worth risking this?’ And the fear of […]

Every day is the same. I spin through the same cycle of emotions. I long not to feel so alone anymore. To have a partner, a wife. Someone I’d want to spend my days with. Someone better than me. Someone who understood. A connection.

The truth is, I don’t deserve it. Nobody could see who I really am and still want to be with me. At least not anyone that I’d want to be with. It’s hard to imagine a woman on my level, but I think they’d have to be highly deranged, as well as repulsive, to be desperate enough to want me. Possibly a […]

Life and me…we don’t mix well. And a large part of that is on me. I had to be the one with all this neurotic shit built into the very foundation of his mind. Everyone else seems to do just fine without thinking about it (though maybe some are in denial.) But I had to be the one to get all hung up on what cannot be. So I get to spend years torturing myself over this fucking dumb distortion. My mind is fucking broken, at the deepest emotional level. The thing that feels most meaningful in this world is something that cannot be. And […]

I keep asking myself over and over ‘why aren’t I ending it?’ And the only real answers I can seem to come up with are fear and attachment.

It’s hard to pinpoint what it is about death that scares me. Perhaps it’s the uncertainty. I tend to assume that death is the end – that when the brain dies, all experience ceases. But what if I’m wrong about that? What if consciousness can somehow continue beyond the physical? I fear that. I fear being trapped in a worse state of existence, with no ability to change things. I fear judgement. Being confronted with all the terrible […]

I want so many contradictory, conflicting, impossible things. I want to utterly destroy myself, but I also want to preserve myself for as long as possible. I want to find love, but I also don’t want anyone to ever see me as I really am. I want to save the world, but also to end it all. I want to avoid causing suffering wherever possible, but I also want to selfishly increase the risk of others suffering. I want to put myself out of my misery, but I also want to postpone a worse existence after death. I want a wife and children, but I […]

Feels kind of intrusive asking about this, but keep finding myself wondering. Last time I saw her on here a few months back she seemed to be on the edge of an attempt. The obvious conclusion would be that she went through with it, but I guess I’d like to know, one way or the other, if anyone heard anything further. Hoping she’s somehow moved on with her life or is maybe just lurking/under a different name. It’s weird how you can get invested in someone’s online persona just by reading their posts over time, but thinking of her ending things like that leaves me […]

Another night spent fantasizing about a reality in which I’m not utterly alone, trying to somehow will it into existence (that’s how it works, right?) It’s much more difficult than it used to be. There’s no reason anyone would want to be with me, even if I did everything possible to improve my situation. My character is so fundamentally compromised that any sane person would be repulsed.

And yet my mind won’t give up on the idea. So I’m left trying to come up with fanciful scenarios in which the fact that I’m an utterly terrible person is somehow not a deal breaker.

I wish I could […]

I don’t want to die. I really don’t. Whenever I take the time to think about it I can recognize that. I just don’t know how to live with the loneliness of the decisions that I’ve made in life. Knowing that anyone who really knew me would rightly be disgusted and despise me..it just fills me with despair. I feel so incredibly isolated and alone, even when surrounded by friends or family. It drains the meaning from any relationship, because it’s based upon me deceiving them into thinking that I’m someone worthy of respect and care, rather than someone repulsive to be shunned (the truth). […]

Can’t let go. Can’t get to where I need to be. I’m such a waste of life. Just lying here, torn between competing impulses. There’s no way that life could ever be enough to make it worthwhile. And yet, I can’t bring myself to give up. To let go of the impossible dream. It is surely within my capability to end this. I have resources, I have freedom, I have time, I have the beginnings of a plan. I’m sure I could get my hands on the necessary equipment if I set my mind to it. So why aren’t I doing so? Because I can’t […]

I don’t know how to balance the conflicting parts of my mind. My reasons for thinking I should be dead seem fairly compelling, from some perspectives. I’m not going into them here because of the guilt that involves, but lets just say I’m a really shitty person in certain ways. Family aside,it would be better for society if I didn’t exist anymore. I’m too morally compromised to be allowed to continue to live. What I am can’t be made right. And part of me just wants to stop resisting that fact – to finally end it. So the fucked up part of me that shouldn’t […]