I guess I was always somewhat anxious – hesitant, cautious, prone to holding back. But I now find the awareness of all that could go wrong crippling. There are some fairly unique things that could happen to me that don’t threaten most people. But a lot of it is just the general hazard of being alive. What if I get hit by a car, and crippled? What if I’m violently assaulted? What if I get dementia and end up crazily confessing my worst deeds? What if there’s finally a nuclear war? What if at some point in the future an artificial intelligence determines that I’m […]
Any tips on how to handle it when you have no prospect of things really getting better? It’s not a phase for me – it’s been over a decade like this. I’m too old to believe time will improve anything. This is me now. I’m long past the point where I can see any way out. There’s no hope left.
But I’m still here. I’m too scared to let go, and until something gets drastically worse (which probably will happen eventually), I can’t see that changing.
But I have no idea how to live with this. I’m just full of extreme loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, shame, regret, and […]
Just having a moan, to try and get some of it out.
I don’t want to live with this reality anymore – where I’m this monstrous, twisted thing. Where I have to hide who I am from everyone because the truth is despicable.
It hurts, and there’s no way to fix it. What’s done is done, the past is in the past. But what’s the point, when you’ve condemned yourself to always being alone? When you can’t ever let anyone in? When you’ve morally isolated yourself from humanity. Where you can never be seen, or known, or feel truly safe with anyone. When you’re that alone, what’s […]
For somebody who loves to think deeply about things, I’m incredibly superficial. On some level the attractiveness of others is all that really has meaning to me. Craving for beauty makes up a vast part of my subconscious.
It’s not that I don’t value personality, or intelligence, or kindness. But it’s always secondary to how I view others. Someone who is visually appealing but stupid or cruel is to be desired or envied in my mind, whereas someone who is strong, wise, compassionate, or entertaining is nevertheless pitiable if they’re plain looking.
Of course, we’re visual creatures, but I think this is a particular pathology of my […]
For me depression is about no longer being able to believe in the positive futures your mind creates. No matter how much effort I put in, regardless of how much time and money I spend, I cannot see a future that feels meaningful, that I can believe in. One that motivates me to get out of bed in the morning, or push through all the discomfort and crap that everyday life throws at you.
I cannot imagine a future where I feel a real connection with another human being. Where I have anyone I can be real with. Anyone I don’t feel afraid around, in case […]
Reasons To Kill Myself:
Bringing my current experience of fear, regret, despair, longing, guilt, shame, & self-hatred to an end.
Avoiding the risk of more extreme forms of suffering in future – violence, agony, horror, imprisonment, disability, degenerative disease etc.
Ending my capacity to negatively impact the lives of others.
No more exhaustion, physical pain or discomfort.
Reasons Not To:
Doing so seems likely to permanently devastate my family – my parents and sister – good people, who seem relatively happy right now.
It would end my current capacity for positive experience – no more pleasure, enjoyment, excitement. No more beauty. No music. No more wonder at this universe.
Finally giving up on […]
No suicide for the time being, so gotta focus on making things less painful. Except the pain is leaking out of me, consuming me. I did this to myself. I chose this. I didn’t think it would be like this, but no one ever does. I desperately want to make it stop, but I don’t know how.
Got to focus on making things better. Even though I feel dead inside. Got to figure out a way to stop torturing myself like this. I’m utterly alone, and always will be. No one could ever accept me as I really am. I made myself into this. No way […]
It’s so absurd, the position I’ve got myself to. To despise myself so much, to feel so utterly worthless, yet still be so attached to being. To the memory of who I used to think I was, before I learned better. To the fantasy of who I could’ve been.
I have no idea how to reconcile those conflicting emotions. I should be dead. I shouldn’t exist. I’m a stain on this earth. But I don’t think I can wipe myself away. I’m still so attached to this world. Or to an idea of it. To being. To thinking. To conceptualising. Addicted to the contents of my […]
I find it so hard to keep hold of a consistent view of reality. I’m not psychotic – I don’t see or hear things that aren’t there. But I am extremely neurotic. My perceptions of this world and it’s nature are constantly fluctuating, from moment to moment, and I don’t know how to cope with that. No matter how many times I hammer out my reasons for continuing to live, and write them down to try to reinforce them, within a few hours I’ll be gripped by despair again and emotionally convinced I’d be better off dead. It’s an endless loop.
I believe my parents would […]
Desire is the problem. If I could just let go…I would be so much more functional. Imagine being able to fall asleep without this longing gnawing away at me.
It’s just programmed too deep inside of me. I can’t picture life being worthwhile without it. It’s like an article of faith at this point. A secular religion.
Wipe all that away, and what’s left?
But I should. I should give up the ghost, somehow. No more false hopes or delusions. Just compassionate, selfless pragmatism. If I could kill my desires and wants, then perhaps I’d stop thinking about killing myself. No more torturing myself. Just peaceful emptiness.
How do […]
It’s truly pathetic how much of my life I spend longing after ‘what could’ve been’. Such a seemingly simple, basic thing becomes a source of endless misery and regret, when in theory it could’ve been so easy.
But now it’s too late. And I get to enjoy endless reminders of that fact. ”Hey look, it’s that thing that feels most vital and important in the world to you. Except now you’re past it. Too bad!”
Such a fundamental, elemental thing, and it still all comes down to right place, right time. You miss the boat, then that’s it. You get to live with your constant longing and […]
I think perhaps part of what led me here is a failure to adjust to reality, in comparison to those around me. There were others dealt far worse hands in life, who still managed to make something of themselves. It seems they confronted the cruelty of their circumstances, adjusted their expectations appropriately, and worked out how to make the best of what they had. I don’t think I ever understood how to do that. When confronted with a harsh truth, my response was generally to retreat into fantasy. Whenever I hit a real obstacle, I gave up.
I’m not sure why that was. Perhaps things were […]
I should probably end it. Especially if I’m not going to do the right thing (I’m not.) People like me shouldn’t be. You reach a certain level of moral corruption and you’re no longer capable of living a normal life. And I just don’t have it in me to do the whole self-sacrificing redemption arc thing. So, self-destruction it is.
But that requires letting go. Detaching from all the impossible dreams I’ve built up over the years. Affirming that all the beauty present in this world is not worth tolerating this kind of suffering and alienation for. Allowing the full weight of my self-inflicted misery to […]
I’m so tired. And even when I do sleep, it doesn’t help. I just don’t want to try anymore. There’s nothing left in the tank. There’s no hope for anything. No real motivation. Just try and delay things getting much worse.
I want to stop, but not enough to overcome my fears and end it. I’m so full of hatred and negativity, and I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. I’m angry at reality, which is so fucking pointless, but again, I don’t know how to stop. To let go of this expectation that things should be ok.
So, assuming the main reason I haven’t killed myself yet is fear, fear of what? The experience of dying for a start. Presumably I’d fall unconscious fairly quickly with what I have in mind. Perhaps feeling a bit lightheaded or nauseous beforehand. But what if there’s a surge of panic when I feel it kicking in? What if I reflexively abort it halfway through, and end up with permanent brain damage?
Supposing I do get to the point where I lose consciousness, and my brain cells start dying off…what’s that like? Is it actually like anything? Is there a sudden flood of activity as parts of […]
I keep causing myself misery. I don’t know how to stop. I want the wrong things. Rationally I know it’s no good for anyone. It’s not going to happen. Move on, try to make the best of a bad situation. But I keep getting reminders. And part of my mind craves those triggers. To feel that surge of meaning and desire again – to know clearly, if only for a moment ‘this is what I want. This matters. This is all there really is in this world.’
But then the contradiction hits – it’s wrong, reprehensible, terrible. Nothing good can come of it. It’s gone, too […]
It seems to me that conflicting motivation is the source of my continued suffering. I both wish to annihilate myself, and to preserve myself. To put an end to my misery, but also to continue to pursue unrealistic life goals. To avoid all human contact, whilst also seeking connection and intimacy. Although these motivations fluctuate with mood and circumstance, over time none seems strong enough to win out over the others.
From this perspective, I’m trapped within a complex web of competing desires and impulses, stuck in a state of inertia finely balanced between. I want an end enough for it to be on my mind […]
Why am I still here? I’m not sure. I’m scared of death. Scared of the experience of dying. Scared of my consciousness somehow continuing beyond. Scared of making the wrong choice. Scared of giving up on the possibilities of life. And I don’t want to devastate my family.
But I also don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want to be me. I don’t want my past, my mind, my emotions, my body. What I am should not exist.
Decisions were made, and continue to be made, and it all adds up to where I am now. The problem is me. The faults are mine. But there’s […]
So I took a ‘Big 5’ Personality assessment, and the results were predictably dire. Of particular interest were my scores on Neuroticism, Extraversion, and Conscientiousness. Kinda seems like I’m predisposed to be a complete basket case at this point. Wondering if anyone else has ever done one of these kind of tests? They appear to be the most creditable in terms of psychological backing, but the idea seems to be that mostly those traits remain relatively constant no matter what you do. Which would leave me kind of fucked…
Some selected highlights:
Neuroticism = 99% (Anxiety 99%, Depression 99%, Self-consciousness 97%, Vulnerability 99%, Anger 90%, […]
This isn’t about suicide, except in concerning the kind of stupid thing that often contributes to feeling I want out.
My aunt is coming to stay in a couple of weeks, and I’m dreading it. I haven’t seen her in nearly 10 years. I’ve avoided every opportunity, every occasion. I skipped the weddings of my cousins, the birth of their children. The last time I saw her was my grandmothers funeral. It’s been over 7 years since I saw anyone from my extended family. I’ve tried to ignore their existence as much as I can. But in two weeks, she’s coming.
The thing about it is, she’s […]