Author

tphg

You know I don’t believe in you, but I’m asking you to throw me a bone. In your own special way, you’ve given me everything I’ve asked for, so I hope you’re willing to spare some more fairy dust for me. I’m just not sure exactly what to ask for. It’s all to do with women. Everything else, I have a handle on, but you know that I’m a completely fool around women. I don’t know what to do. I think I want a partner, I get a partner, but then regret it immediately. What’s wrong with me? Why am I incapable of being close […]

3/24/2017 1 comment

you know what’s great?

by tphg 9/22/2015

written by tphg

Starving myself all day (I don’t have a natural appetite so it happens whether I want it to or not)

and then getting stoned at the end of the day and gorging on Mcdonalds and candy. I finished eating the other night and was laying in bed watching the absolute worst movie, Deep Blue Sea. I used to love it when I was a teen, but now that I’m older, the plot holes are a lot more apparent. Well anyway, I was watching this stinker, and I didn’t really want to be, but I was in such a state of zen and relaxation after eating so […]

9/22/2015 6 comments

show of hands

by tphg 9/17/2015

written by tphg

Who here has social anxiety that extends to the internet? It’s a lot easier to share my thoughts online, and it doesn’t bother me who reads, but talking to people directly via comments sends me into a state of panic. Even positives comments leave me flustered to the point that I have to close my browser and go do something else for a little while. Here, making comments on news stories, youtube videos; all so nerve wracking.

I figure that most people are their bodies, or have convinced themselves that they are their bodies, but I’ve convinced myself that I’m inside my body controlling it. All […]

9/17/2015 2 comments

cause it’s like,

by tphg 9/16/2015

written by tphg

I could be her friend if I really wanted to, but I’d have to wear a costume, and those aren’t very comfortable after a while. You start to sweat and the built up perspiration makes it muggy inside and so it gets hard to breathe; it’s a whole ordeal. I’d get to know her, but she’d never get to know the real me, and I want so badly for someone to see and accept me for who I really am. I could be her friend, but it wouldn’t be real. It’d be real enough for her, sure, but what it would amount to is a […]

9/16/2015 7 comments

AA2I2

by tphg 9/16/2015

written by tphg

I really appreciate the comments you made on my last couple posts. You’re the type of friend that I wish I could hang out with on a regular basis. It used to bother me that my group of friends only took time out of their schedules to hang out once every couple months, but now I don’t care at all. They’re all drinkers but none of them smoke, and I don’t drink but will smoke my weight in cheeba, so being with them tends to get boring after awhile anyway.

I find that people who don’t light up are trapped in their own way of thinking, […]

9/16/2015 7 comments

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

by tphg 9/14/2015

written by tphg

ha-ha! I’ve got tears in my eyes.

I’ve been laughing perpetually for the last 3-4 months. I can hear this crazed, deranged laughter in my mind whenever I start to think about the fact that I’m still alive. Nothing matters to me, and some deep down part of me finds it hilarious that I have to live without purpose (the same part of me that laughs when old people fall). I could inject some meaning into my life, but that’s the last thing I want. I don’t want anything to do, people to talk to, or anything really. Just silence, that’s all I care for.

I made […]

9/14/2015 19 comments

shut up your face

by tphg 9/11/2015

written by tphg

I ran out of a burger shop last night. I was all set to gorge on some grade “A” Canadian ANGUS beef, but then I saw that the cashier I (kinda) like was working that day. She smiled and waved at me, even though I was all the way at the back of the line, and so I freaked and got out of there. I’d love to take her out, but I’ll never have the courage for anything more than nervous small talk, with her or with anyone; I’ve only ever dated girls I met online. Not like it matters anyway since I’m such a […]

9/11/2015 13 comments

relaxing at death’s door

by tphg 8/9/2015

written by tphg

I’ve had this image in my head for the last several weeks. It’s of me sitting in an empty white space, leaning up against a solitary white framed wooden door. I imagine that once I arrived in this white purgatory, I spent a great deal of time beating against the door, jiggling the knob, trying to move on to what’s next. But after a while, I realized that nothing I can do will open the door, so I sit and wait. Occasionally I knock on the door softly, whisper sweet nothings to it, but the door remains firmly in place.

It’s a metaphor for the way […]

8/9/2015 8 comments

last cigarette ever

by tphg 8/6/2015

written by tphg

Walking back to work today from my lunch break, I started thinking about the piano(keyboard) sitting in my apartment. I’ve had it for a year but have only played with it twice; still on the first couple pages of my 6 week lesson guide. I bought it to fulfill part of the destiny I laid out for myself. When you’re as cowardly as I am, suicide is nothing more than a silent longing, and so I fully expect myself to reach old age.

If and when I do make it to gray hair and wrinkles, I want to be away from society and on a farm. […]

8/6/2015 10 comments

Dying’s the only answer

by tphg 8/4/2015

written by tphg

This woman at work reached out to me and I told her that I have no desire to live. We had a chat about it and she seemed pretty determined to see me get better. She’s had her own issues with depression and wants me to go for the same specialized therapy that she went in for. And she wants to be my friend, it seems, because she’s talking to me a lot more and wants to hang out after work.

I feel so guilty because she doesn’t know how much of a lost cause I am. There’s no helping someone like me because I want […]

8/4/2015 5 comments

can’t move

by tphg 8/4/2015

written by tphg

How the hell can I do this for another 30-40 years? Working job after job to support this joyless life. Once I outlive my usefulness at this office I’m at now, I’ll have to start the process all over again of finding full-time work. And then again once that job ends. And again and again and again until I drop dead. I’d rather drop dead now and save myself the trouble of spending all the good hours of the day pushing papers and moving boxes and photocopying and etc.

Been reading up on jumping and it’s becoming more appealing everyday. From what I’m reading, sounds like […]

8/4/2015 1 comment

ready to go home

by tphg 7/30/2015

written by tphg

Epiphany!

I was rambling on in the comments of Tristeza’s post when I finally hit bottom and realized why I’m so unhappy and want to die. The gist of what I was saying is that life is nothing more than a dream and that when we die, our minds are erased from reality permanently. All of the information that our brains are holding onto is erased when it shuts down for good. The person that you think you are (Tom, Dick, Jane etc) is little more than a function of the brain, and so when the brain dies, you die too.

As in a dream, I’ve […]

7/30/2015 3 comments

really effing depressed

by tphg 7/28/2015

written by tphg

I got frustrated watching the Sopranos last night because the characters were acting stupid. My anger at these fictional people once again reminded me of how empty my life is. I recently came to the realization that I don’t actually have any friends. My co-workers only care about what I have to say if it’s entertaining and won’t hang out with me after hours. The friends that I do see in my spare time only ever want to do stuff once every 3 or 4 months. The guy that I considered my best friend is little more than an acquaintance. I’ve told him so much […]

7/28/2015 10 comments

lucky you

by tphg 7/22/2015

written by tphg

This is the last place that I’m willing to share my thoughts. I’m tired of trying to help people understand how I feel about life; it’s a waste of a breath. As a self-professed nihilist, one of the big rules that I live by is that “it doesn’t matter what other people know”. Trying to convince anyone of anything is a waste of breath. Just leave them all to their own meaningless thoughts and I’ll stick to mine.

But here, I’m as close to being around comrades as I’ll ever be. Even though I feel half dead from a viral infection in my chest, that

7/22/2015 1 comment

no friends

by tphg 7/21/2015

written by tphg

I had these amazing song lyrics that I wanted to share with someone when I remembered that I don’t have any friends who care to hear what I have to say lol I have people that I’m friends with; once every two months I go to a pub or have dinner with some guys I used to work with (that’s the most time that they’re willing to spend with me LOL). My current group of co-workers like me well enough, but they couldn’t give less of a fuck about my life outside work hours. I’ve tried to make some friends but I’m constantly being rebuffed. […]

7/21/2015 2 comments

What are you most unhappy about?

by tphg 7/15/2015

written by tphg

The constant fear I feel due to my chemically imbalanced brain. I can’t socialize correctly unless I try really really hard, but the strain of wearing social makeup has left me feeling hollow and wishing for a swift end to my existence. I don’t care about my own life, and so I care about others even less; no point in me continuing to live. What about you?

7/15/2015 13 comments

I love this line

by tphg 4/8/2015

written by tphg

“Live or die, I’d rather take the latter route
Take the ladder route
Rope around my neck and kick the ladder out
There’s no need to drag it out”

4/8/2015 1 comment

She’s so effing gorgeous

by tphg 1/27/2015

written by tphg

Sure, she looks like a bollywood model, but that’s not what I mean. She really cares about people. She volunteers at soup kitchens and organizes charity drives. Bad news stories involving people she doesn’t even know makes her get teary eyed. She spent a week losing sleep, tossing and turning because she was worried that I might be upset about something completely insignificant. She truly has a heart of gold.

I don’t have rose tinted glasses on. She’s a boy crazy lush like the rest of the women I know, but she doesn’t let it define her like so many others. She calls me a good […]

1/27/2015 8 comments

“How is everything?”

by tphg 1/20/2015

written by tphg

I want to reply with the chorus from Metallica’s song Trapped Under Ice, but that’s just opening pandora’s box and I really don’t want to guide anyone down my rabbit hole of misery.

Freezing
Can’t move at all
Screaming
Can’t hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I’m trapped under the ice

I feel like that every weekend, when I’m laying in bed, blanket pulled up over my head. I have every thought in the world for productive things I could do, but I never move. I spent the majority of this past weekend laying in bed sulking […]

1/20/2015 0 comment

hitting the hurdles

by tphg 1/13/2015

written by tphg

I used to be so good at the charade of living (going to work, paying my bills, staying fed, keeping up appearances etc). Now, every moment is a fight. I have no will to maintain my life anymore. Being at work feels like a joke. I want to jump in front of a train, but instead, I ride it to the office everyday. Why? So that I can maintain my lifestyle until I die.

I frigging hate living! Oh my god! Every moment feels like gravel in my bloodstream. I spend most of my waking hours doing things I’d rather not be doing, and the rest […]

1/13/2015 4 comments

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