Had it been 3 Days since? The Reason of my Traumata which drained the Happiness, the Hope and the Future in every agreeable Type I had left before the Person decided to repeatedly hit into my Life and disappear did contacted me again, now after a Year ago when the Cause of this Suicidal to the Grave State occured due the appearance of the Person.
The Person relieved me from the Amnesia but forgot to accompany an such crucial and critical Phase of Healing. The Person intended to Help me, and I gave all I got into it. I understand when the Person eventually did not […]
I am already out of Solutions. Even my attempts failed. Got over Drugs, yeah I made that for now but I need Help. I can not go to Psychic Ward due COVID, I can not go there because I would lack Sport. Beautiful Human, but I can not feel them, even when they try hard. I could have a Date next Week but how can I make it without crying? Crying again Nightly like there is nothing left, trying to keep it down so I could sleep. Forgetting what I see during sleep, barely productive during the Day. Can not make me Happy. I am […]
Last Night, I was again surrounded by Voices trying to have full Conversations with me. Before going to Bed, a Face, someone I adore and hate the same, been shifting Mimics. I heard her Voice, but many thing I percieved been thoughts, no Voices. I started to cry many Times in Moments of Hope, in Moments of Despair, in Pain and due my Weakness. I‘m telling me that dying Assistance is the Way to go but I am not proactively desiring it, I don‘t like the farce but suffering short or suffering a whole, it is the whole because the world is obsolete when everything […]
It had been a Time since I wrote here. The Last Year been really challenging, I had the need in Emergency Ketamine due Suicidality, Sucidal Thoughts.
I got it not quite Legal and I am over it.
I recover from an Viral Infection, from an Encelopathy, from an Psychosis as an Post-Amnestic Syndrom, Polytoxicomania. Not quite little.
But, I am still not feeling like having any Integrity. And I can not make up my Mind. I have no clue where this is going to Lead, but I convinced myself to go a bit astray this Year and rechoice the next Year about Legal Dying Assistance as Legislation must […]
I can count and I do it right all four Digits.
She is not alive Inside me, Love fills my missing Parts.
ICU been crowded, filled by myself with Voice in Pain.
Screaming over an over her Name and what it took, reflect again.
I sensed dying too often, can‘t trust, seeks no spark or joy.
Just she, me and ours in Interaction known and a couple of us from the flux pushed apart.
“Aspiring readily murder is looking out to haunt strangers in the Night with a Machete.”
You wanted to Help, Dauphnelle. Ready to Kiss me hard. Taking my Hope and waited for Love. Just to disappear, make me longe and look out for you each Day. I wrote all the Feelings I have through it all, made my Memory and Friends up that you is all that is important. You make me cry, you make me sad, each Day was worth to Die. I have been tortured to forget, I had been entertained, I had been chased. People made my Day. But, Nobody could catch a Bullet […]
Didn’t believed that escape would be happening alone. To Germany. A women visited me, she astonished me. I had been under self-medication to not leave her ablaze, to not cause Fear, Confusion or Communication Problems.
She left early. My thoughts right away been, that I need to be with her.
I have requested the Adress. She, Isolated herself.
I am coming for her. I fear that her Dad is sending me away.
I want to Life, and she is worth that. I want to Love, but this feeling, this requirement is new to me.
But, I can kill myself too, if I can not see her again.
If she isn’t real […]
Explaining someone the Reason for Suicide Assistance and this beyond terminal Ill People leave them Voiceless.
But still, the next Day the Topic been tried to talked down to be ‘”philosophicating”, this is politising.
Hear me Out or you Hear the Weapons.
left me turning to an warmogger.
hive me a pistol and let me shot you.
I will applicate the damn deadly injection for you.
pushing you from a cruise ship.
incubating COVID19 just to infect others.
gift me a knife so I can show on your throat what the blade is able to.
just DO NOT DETACH ME FROM THE ONLY HUMAN I HAVE
OR I AM DEVOURING MORE ATOMIC DESASTERS DETONATED BY WILL.
and I am happy, not ashamed no one left to so me this much pain
the people are miss i met in delusions.
I’m in greed to kill me. it’s not worth that.
happiness seems like surreal accompany.
sick of food and drinks, even drugs and air.
for collecting toxins
firearms
narcotica
opioides
laws to infiltrate
official gender robes
corpses
i am for real only suicide idealizing.
to murder is just a hobby. this love of my time is confabulation that adheres to social disorder which can refract to an mental disorder and is at first place a political treat of occurence.
remembered me of a beloved one. like, the last one before I fell into Psychosis.
and there is no logical relationship causing me acting towards that danger. no suddenly, nothing rolling towards neither an immediate agent activity.
starts by oneself. though, I still would marry just to Die with assistance. but, the causes for the suicidality are reflected down. to Life for a Biography does not motivate me. not even compassionate happiness does me. the book is something, .. oh, and rememberance.
feels not like forgetfullness when I need to remind myself chapter per chapter about my own Life. i can not again tear everyone down with my focus on me, to find that me is still more than the average and come down to worthlessness and staggering progress or loose discipline. even if I’d find a similar chance, I always am sick […]
it feels not good to try to get enough of something.
the quality even increases.
close to all is back in my memories.
motivation are cigarettes.
solitude and sanity.
anger? most gone.
like to smile.
can not be left like that though. i would like to still, but the hassle of getting drugs? fears about are just to be conscious when it happens.
also, I can not sleep again through whole months, being vegetative seemingly. it’ll be called an exception some day to get into substances. facing the right medication, therapies.. but nothing of me being Human, any Interest.
Social Networks will Fade. I hate doing waste, doing Moods. Be Happy, most Type of […]
to want to suicide, but giving the praying no information.
since ever in life, I wanted to Love in Hegemonia, Peace and Alongside. it was in my earliest.
700€ into a single suicide attempt.
may be me understood to share the heaven with the pyrotechnics, not Love.
I have Medicine that makes me unable to make Memories, unable to know any Perception, no thoughts or things in my Mind that I can sense.
And then I’ll jump.
I waste this much for Drugs.
My Mind is on 100 when I wake up. The Fight/Flight* or rather, get away, love somebody or get lost in People desire is controlling me. I feel addicted, but only when I smoke cigarettes. I do not want this. But, I can not find joy in these People. I miss the People I like, I can not reach them ever. Therapy is hopeless, the strangers, the talks do not satisfy me. The point where I like to stay in a Jail is reached. I would kill if I should. My aches are very hideous, I can not make […]
I did not made it to the plane. Before of it, I had been accommodated to the psychiatric station which is locked.
Forced to either take the medicine and to stay for longer, to have the medicine injected and to leave after 4 hours on the 4th day, 1 day before the flight or to stay probably forever with no medicine of the neuroleptic kind.
They are tricky, but it feels rather that I am given the riskless, everything is dangerous but won’t kill you kind of reality. I had to take the medicine and right after, I cried. I hate who I saw in the […]
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