to want to suicide, but giving the praying no information.
since ever in life, I wanted to Love in Hegemonia, Peace and Alongside. it was in my earliest.
Age is 24. Demisexual. Wannabewhore. Suicide and Murder are things I like to do. What I want to be, experience and reach in the Life I already had. But nobody knows, does remember or has something to credit it.
I waste this much for Drugs.
My Mind is on 100 when I wake up. The Fight/Flight* or rather, get away, love somebody or get lost in People desire is controlling me. I feel addicted, but only when I smoke cigarettes. I do not want this. But, I can not find joy in these People. I miss the People I like, I can not reach them ever. Therapy is hopeless, the strangers, the talks do not satisfy me. The point where I like to stay in a Jail is reached. I would kill if I should. My aches are very hideous, I can not make them out no more, but any doctor I met is unable to this already for a very long time. This is not me I live, this is too surreal.
I think, I am a Dead Project. This Human is made to rot, rotten, rotten more.
I did not made it to the plane. Before of it, I had been accommodated to the psychiatric station which is locked.
Forced to either take the medicine and to stay for longer, to have the medicine injected and to leave after 4 hours on the 4th day, 1 day before the flight or to stay probably forever with no medicine of the neuroleptic kind.
They are tricky, but it feels rather that I am given the riskless, everything is dangerous but won’t kill you kind of reality. I had to take the medicine and right after, I cried. I hate who I saw in the mirror. I did not felt suicidal, but this feels unreal and to be within the spectrum of a schizophrenic illness extroverted by the medicine, and it is the social desire required to be able to say. Later on, I got the injection. I can tell no time, but going on from there was unable without self-harm and a general destructive and unfortunate result in Israel plus the risk for life and health for me and other can not be put on the verge on my mistakes.
Life is giving me lessons, and everything I do feels often without any value, does not get appreciation, is to be done within poor standards that do not fit mine. I tried under enforcing substances to make certain experiences, but failed even to be allowed to try basic activities of prostitution. There are yobs who are impressed, turned on, staring at me when I have a certain gender expressed, they are even demanding. The behaviour is rather obtrusive and the expectation is also unreal, does not fit the private manner of the subject. Alike this results, everyone asexual would be happy entirely, but I ain’t.
But, this is still plausible to my being, and I try to get over the imagination of me. I do not need it, but without it, I would be unable to have the actual life I have. With it, my Being is doing irrational things which aren’t even commencing logical at all. The Identity I have is out of breath by the disabilities that happen without any reason to be. As if I am caged.
As biological women*, I had already been mass raped. My corpse had been fucked atleast 5 times a day. I would not be faced in the public as people like me to like to do things. I would going to say I am loving and acting like the one in the beginning of the Movie “Eurotrip”. I would get any drug I like to and I would use my skills actively instead of passiv.
I am often and for a long period of time under drugs, but leave occasionally or visit someone for the night and stay awake, just because I like to. But I would like to feel as I have to stay awake, just to find a reason to not be ready to go shopping with a baseball bat and make trash and a bloody mess, be satisfied and more than just balance or to be poisoning children and to rave people. But, this is my disability I own, I ain’t any wrong. I am just mis-placed and want people who are alive to be alike, as they love living and I the one to purge them out.
I mannaged to be in two weeks more than 6 time affiliated on my case with the Intensive Care Unit, the Ambulance, the Police.
So, I won’t turn to be a warmogger in Israel, Syria, Lebanon, Westjordan etc.
But I would have liked to. Instead, I increased my Experiences in Substances to 90 different upon 70+ are Drugs. The lastest was very hideous to counter and could have had killed me easily or turning me disablied.
I count unwillingly that I’ll be one day very disabled by my actions, so I need to clarify that such a Life in my Imagination should not be kept alive. I hope still to die.
i do not even want to return. all i want is about aurora aksnes or a real healing.
the poems, the songs of love, I want to listen to them with her, I am insane, I lose all I got from lining to self-control, I am fed up, I do not want any food or drink although I need and will. all saints day feels nothing different from any other day, I think I have passed all the bloom a life can give. I want to get a weapon, I want to join the forces but actually all I want, what she hates, is being hugged from her and hear words from deep beneath her soul.
I never felt like my family is one where I should belong. I knew one home and that was Norway when I had not a single place I own. I would be in a dream, I could not feel better ever when I am on a journey with her, I could imagine to marry her and to decide for a religion in such an holy place.
I am making plans for there, I feel like there are already like 50 on my Way, but my favourites are with her because any else is one in which my corpse will remain.
I am thinking a lot about Death. I want it, but I am more passionate about Love. I would set myself Alive for Love, I would make my Wish to Die true by dying in accompany of those who I love and I could finally stop all my Lifestyle that is bad for my Life.
On the other Side, I could live on with my Lifestyle, doing this with my beloved ones, not in Direction to Die from, but with the Perspective of enlightment, to have occupations of Truth to found on, to enjoy being alive and to have the Thrill of doing wrong to Law.
I want to met her in Tel Aviv and return. But If I fail to meet her, I will become a Piece of Nightmare. Stealing Gun’s and Cars, getting by though it all barely alive. Killing and Hiding. Truth will probably be more like getting jailed, being relocated to where I was. Being attacked for the Violence and Crimes I did. Losing all I belong and had taken by my Side.
I am so Sad, but I think, Israel and Syria are decent to have myself shot to Death.
suddenly, I admit – this type of attraction nobody shared to me.
and that within a scene being torn by coldness, lies and theft.
It would teased me to watch as he would die, but wouldn’t.
I could be more of just voyeur, I could abuse that kind.
Receiving his way empathy is such a madness. I hate to have thoughts that I’d like to recieve. I have no problems attracting him or had made him survive, but I have one being very first time accepting to have got one infatuated to me.
And to break his will with my wish to die is almost like telling him, to watch out for me to not die, like a brother I never heard concerned of my cries.
I felt long like this exemplar of human. As if the queried urge of someone made you each and appear where you are – but the wish just made you appear but does not mention how it does change.
I, might be 14, dissatisfied and without engagement made myself through the day with no felt struggle. There were a lot to many ones view striking on to me. They became all inflationary and meaningless, even making the double of ten times the amount was not much of an challenge or performance to me. It just not got into the desires, wishes and obligations which were meant to be made by me.
I saw now progress doing them. A ridiculous waste of time I would give into mere things of worth and idea.
I tried writing my emotions, I had found the wishful but that one did not understood what the toll of words mean. The wrong words now can make me hit the jail, can make myself frail. She just let it fade out.
The Standby is her measured power for since ever.
She weren’t grain as I, made for those who need to get it done by itself, so could afford to engage into her obligations. I would not want to compare my penalties as an exam, but there is not much between them in the amount.
Pretty like looking on my Skin, I do not know what’s underneath. What the time might has been, she had gone and come, rested upon or cried tears evoking eventually rain? Doubtful she’ll like what I write. I am impressed, but my understanding of her life afterwards finishing that level of education, she went abroad. I hope it was the best, I would not be able to stand anyone elsewise, at least without good probes and slick insights for exploits.
If the standby been left during that period? I ain’t talking exercises in sports. I feel rude hiding the truth.
Alongside I was getting my Psyche elevating progresses and perceptions. I was out of human and I still own much of these. They are little to compare to homework’s, a list of vocabulary or Level 3 or less calculations (except you make these level 3 by head).
It was like sharing the human as it is to many. I can not remember ever to set a sell out or had any preoccupation on the trigger of mine. All I knew was, the complex emotions of mine been understood as hate or critic of some kind. Imagine people you atone to be undermined by the insight of some clearance of emotional ties, the compassionate try to set what you praise analogues to some kind.
I would not move the afford I made, the other felt like have captured goods when I said, filled the empty lines. Or, to have actively created an hideous book of an mastermind to serve like an soldier for the nation, you swear to stand along others and alone on the pinpoint and invade.
I recrafted myself. Anhedonia was meant to be just right. I changed. But, nobody could knew, because I did not changed for somebody to be seen, heard or readed. I untied relationships, swapped some graded of my consciousness to match the reality, my unconscious psyche. I have not a split Truth, I got Two.
I have untied also her, so now I can share something else refined. But will it bother more then ever since life has reached me, her alike to be, an exercise or a conditional disruption?
But, this text is for whom else. Imagine, my feelings are not from today, my emotions are swapping between not truths and I do not bother to be kind, taking none of them to be mine.
Doing this so freely, the capacity demands restriction or a forceful power-of to make the hijack. But, I did not met them, not knowing anyone having the lines on the page as I. The Time as value in real-time, no Track on reflections within the milestones behind.
What can it take for me to change the State of my mind? I work with altered memories already and any of this placeholders have flux, making my burial almost to happen clockwork without the Love that can not fucked out and kissed, decorated with dignitias and insignias, the drugs or with a change of the breaking news anytime.
Shall I lay out my Utopia? I will not simply, as anyone else being ok with less is to me a detail less to be untied of the stasis of being alive.
to die surrounded by people who I love. either in the past, or in the present. but I am at the house of my parents, with my family. I did not thought of them, are not a replacement for me.
a mixture of drugs and medicine. maybe accompanied by the people around me who like to help me, feel me and have together separately the ability to rely. but I took 56mg of buphrenorphin patches from my dad.
I told dad about a Party on Friday. This Parent expected, said to me blatantly that I will end up at the hospital that night. I felt hurted. I explained, polytoxicomania is an illness, not an addiction, an passion or something within my decision, insisted from this Person who indulged me to excuse. But said it will not be possible.
I stole the pills from. Stores them in amount of 6 packages. I do not want to use them, are gross in any way. I used 40mg intravenous, it 4 of 30 Pills which I stole. I dissolved a patch of 14mg buphrenorpin in ethanol and water.
I will go on with another patch. I once took Methylphenidate intravenous and almost died by 80mg. It is isotrop and inotrop, raising Heart Rate and Pressure. I have 40mg of such left.
I miss any Person I love, really any. But I will not see them ever. My Plans today are Deadly. That Buphrenorphin can not be used with Narcan/Nalaxone.
My Dad is to me Now a Murder. Mobbing, Discrimination is Deadly. I am up to be Dead this Day. I already feel it.
I remind myself during sleep that I only want to die. It is alike when I am awake. Doing my researches and studies, following my path to eat and drink enough. I care for myself, but every step has the etiquette with the inscription “you only want to die”.
it is not over with the day, I see them again when I shower and there suddenly I have a mental breakdown. They happen often. I read on the shampoo “Suffers your….” and I start to think that over. I have freedom, that is great. My financial Situation is double backed up. Most People are guilty themselves for their addiction, I do not suffer calling them so. The performance of the poor I met was alike, I was not surprised they had come to this and they do not want to make even any little progress. I got to experience very strange things with no legal procedement. Actual there I snap on. Legal Affairs where physical harm is done are not done properly. I feel for everyone doing so, they have no guilt themselve for the suffer. Do I suffer now? “Yeah, I suffer, suffer, suffer … “ and under the shower I quiver and crumble.
I could be Death so easily. I get Mental because of so many Things. Tiny opt-outs causing the future to be challenged or fragmented, propagating danger as Integrity of Officials to their Ideals will missed out.
It even does cause me to feel Suicidal to treat the Past or the Fure. The Gossip will always be, but under which Light? I would like to not care, but Mystery and Misasumptions are malvolent to Emotions. I do not want to opt-in to give People Self-Esteem who just want to see People Dead and as provocation aimed on to them.
Nobody wants to Die as an Result of the Honour, to have ties in their Suicide Project to Money problems of any kind. I can not want to be the handled Ammunition for Revenge, against an Non-existent Rival or as Hift for Enemies, poison for Friends and the curse for the Family.
The Global lose of Pace which occurs repeatedly when it is a clear Business-Loss is very suspicious to me. Moores Law is here passing out, phasing out and is becoming incoherent awhile any others seemingly never deattached from. Even my Suicidality and Depression is leaping within each 730 Days.
Loosing things is the same. I have a very exquisite Taste in Possesions. Antique, Unique and Rarities with very Unknown Values and fairly Information availiable. I can not replace them as the pain rising up in me. I can only open up another spot in my heart till my heart is gone.
It is even more brutal with words.
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