Sometimes to measure how horrible I feel that day I make myself imagine a gun right in front of me and whether I would pull the trigger right in that moment. Sometimes there are days where I would want to pull it without thinking just so I don’t change my mind. That’s whats scary to me.
I don’t know what to do or anything….I’m lonely, alone, worthless, not anything but a waste of space, time, effort…anything. I would give my life story but have so many times, would also be a book…i type too much. I annoy others I just gwt in the way. I have tourettes, as well as many mental issues some self diagnosed, others not,
I have many health problems like celiac disease, back issues, jaw messed up, etc.
I try to make friends, but everyone gets tired of the way I talk or I’m plain boring. I’m married and trying to get divorces…middle of it. He is extremely narsisistic […]
The medicine is like a bandaid.
After months of crawling in the metaphorical dirt, my physician got fed up and referred me to a psychiatrist. I didn’t fight it, I gave up.
I’ve given up for a while now. I’m in a mental limbo: I care… but I don’t.
How may times have I cycled through the mental healthcare system? I’ve lost count.
Have a crisis… see the Doc… meet the new Psych… get meds… ignore everything…. Have a crisis- again.
I thought I was doing well. I always think I’m doing well. The medication slaps a lid on my emotions, muffles the voices… for a while. But when the […]
How do they put the ‘Pretty Pictures’ behind your eyes??
Category: Night Terrors/Nightmares/Sleep Paralysis
To me, the images appear as slides underneath a microscope. Being inserted and then withdrawn. Here…place another. Some move like a theatre screen, others are just images. Never anything but dreadful, nonetheless.
What is the void for you?
I know for me it is the feeling when I’m completely alone and tired at the battle field.
The time of the day when I take a break, to grasp for air, and I completely realize I’m alone in this.
The void is what I encounter when I think about a relationship and love. How can I get into a relationship? Is it possible with such stressful and busy life?
The void is my room when it is weekend and old friends from my town don’t invite me to hang out.
The void is that feeling I get when I have extreme abdominal pains […]
So if you see me walk down the hallway and you want to ask me if I’m okay…
While you refuse to believe me when I whisper yes…
Just know that I’m thinking about how you’d react if I told you I wanted to die.
You wouldn’t want to help me then.
That’s a promise.
I’ve sat here, countless days, haven’t left the house, haven’t DONE anything, I have no purpose, nobody is willing to hear my cries, even my best friend, whom I thought was exactly like me cant see anything wrong. Im leaving to go to Japan in 12 days, and after that, when I get back, Im going to go see her and then, then Im done. Im done not having a reason to live, im done being hurt by everyone, im done with my deadbeat family who always bash on me. there is no way that im going to sit here and let this happen. so, […]
If you let me fall in love with you like I want to, I’d do anything for you. I mostly want to massage you, eat you out, give you the best food and drink, and remember the smallest things about your personality.
I’d even help you enact a painless and undetectable suicide, if you were completely sure that’s what you wanted. It’s your right and I would never assert otherwise. I would bury your secret and cover it with a nonplussed veneer. I signed up for the whole woman with all her flaws and self-doubt, just so I could find joy in giving. Obviously I’d rather […]
I dont want to talk about it.
I wake up every day with this gnawing feeling. I try to push it away, but it gets worse.
It doesn’t stop. This feeling.
It hurts. It stings. All the heartache, the stress…it gets to you.
But all I ask, is that you understand.
Its deep depths of darkness, and loneliness. Like a boulder of weight always on your back. Slowly hurting you.
It doesn’t stop unless you make it.
When you die you cease to exist, so why fight if when your dead it ll all not exist.
Some took the leap. I really do envy them.
This is my first time writing here. I have read so many comments on the past few months and always wonder if those people are really gone now.
Finally I feel like I belong somewhere, I guess. Been lying all day in bed with absolutely no strength to get up and just crying.
We rock, guys….
So far I’ve been chasing myself and trying to keep distracted. I’m failing.
My health is failing. I feel nauseous and wonky. I act as though everything is fine and my life is faultless.
My heart is racing in my chest. My arms are weak and my eyes burn to the back of my skull. I am restless and yet empty.
I’m failing. I just can’t see myself carrying on like this.
I’m so tired of being tired. I would like death to come and embrace me now but I am in too much pain to go and seek it.
Damn chronic illness. Why me? I would not wish this […]
I have Tourette’s Syndrome; OCD; light Autism; chronic and crippling depression, anxiety, and various medical differences/flaws/disorders. My Tourette’s- or tics, as they are often called-. manifest themselves mostly in my mind. With the exception of a few verbal tics, and a plethora of motor/physical tics, I can hide the urges and pain which plagues and afflicts me at my every waking moment. My wife and the rest of my immediate family are all well aware of my suffering; they, unfortunately, however, realize or wish to realize the full extent to which I am truly in pain. The only spans of consciousness wherein I draw pleasure […]
I wish I could have enough courage to die. I already wrote my suicide note and I look at it everyday asking myself when I can finally publish it and just rest to never wake up on this body again. I’m so tired that sometimes is really hard to think about anything clearly. I can’t read a book anymore because I always forget what I read. When I play games I get angry so easily because I can’t be concentrated enough on what is happening and I say the game is trash even if it’s not.
I’m unemployed for the last three years and I depend […]
Noose snapped still tied to my neck and I was too disoriented to tell, found myself in the bathroom looking in the mirror feeling extreme strain and not knowing why I was feeling increasing danger, and I said out “what’s going on?” thinking i had come out the noose hence the fact i was now in the bathroom away from the hanging wardrobe, I was confused I could still feel the tie and i started picking at it and then saw it was frayed, i pulled at it desperately until I could loosen the rope, I got it off and threw myself on the bed […]
I don’t like the feeling that I’ve lost. I’m overweight and it’s not easy finding a method for me. Not interested in a failed attempt and excuse me if all I talk about is wanting death because I never thought I’d turn out like this. I look at my few immediate family members, with a small hole in my heart by not wanting to be here. My body aches, my head aches, I have to work, no close friend’s anymore; it hurts to look my mother in the face because I know she wants the best for me, success in all but I know I […]
Can I vanish?
Hello everyone, I believe you all know why I am here posting this. I feel empty, loneliness, hopeless. The will to live longer inside me has vanished, I do not wish to live any longer. I have friends, but none has really understood me. I have a wealthy family, but wealthy does not mean joy. I used to be a genius at school, but due to the current situation, I do not have the will to learn any longer. I cannot feel the joy inside me much longer. I just feel like it is worthless to live […]
4 months of being reminded nonstop that life is now for suffering not for living. Will not hesitate to overdose when I have the drugs. I’ll get coked up, tripping, stoned and drunk for as long as I can and then overdose on more drugs when Im coming down, give the death a running start. Really cant measure my suffering since february, not had a moments rest, got lobotomized by antipsychotics injections, life is unrecognizable and unbearable.
Was told by a couple people I was the best happiest or most intelligent person they knew, now I’m the most fucked up person i […]
Can’t stop trying to turn back time to when I made the biggest mistake of my life and agreed to let doctors who misdiagnosed me as schizophrenic and injected me with paliperidone, an antipsychotic, which has destroyed my brains pleasure function.
I took cocaine yesterday for the first time since getting injected, i was unable to feel a thing from it, no inner warmth no rush of pleasure, just a flat bone dry brain. This further confirms it for me, i am devoid of anything nice and good if even cocaine can’t make me feel pleasure for a minute. I was right to attempt suicide for […]
I have so many problems and things wrong with me it’s hard to keep track. I know that this site is for things to do with depression, anxiety, suicide or similar things, but this one is more about other things I struggle with and could maybe find others who can talk to me about it.
So basically it all started that I was born 6 weeks early, a tiny underweight baby who “died” and got resuscitated or whatever 3 times. I mean, bad start right? Well, since then I was sick in hospital for a few months and then still sick after that, just in my […]
I had one injection of antipsychotics 4 months ago because of malpractice, here’s the outcome
I have anhedonia, i literally cant feel pleasure or reward , instead there is anxiety, restlessness, nausea
My inner emotions and thoughts are in constant unrest
I can’t play xbox for 5 minutes to relax, the unrest dominates every moment
Music doesn’t give me an inner good feeling, I feel rubbed up the wrong way by anything stimulating and pleasurable
I compulsively ruminate nonstop trying to turn back time to I spend hours in bed trapped in my mind
I cry everyday like I’ve just lost my family and the pain is raw, but the pain […]