The extent to which you at least try to live, many bad things happen and accumulate … Until you reach your limit!! And from there it is unbearable to live.
it’s almost 5am. i’m sitting in my room fascinated by suicide. and really struggling right now. i could go to sleep – but i can’t. not because i won’t fall asleep, but because i’m still in battle. i’m afraid of waking up tomorrow morning and continuing the cycle. something’s telling me to end it all right now. i can’t go through another day like this. in loneliness that surroundes me and takes me away..
Good day you all,
This post will include; panic attack, co op failure, overcoming love.
Added bold words to make reading easier and able to jump
edit: Also added conclusions down the page.
start Today I had a great day, studied, and got few compliments, perhaps even started few new social relationship here or there.
It is really nice to start a new page at a university.
But…
change in events I went back home, a friend contacted me, he asked if I wanna go out with him like we did two days ago. Back then [8.10.17] he said “I want you to know that I completely respect you, […]
a storm is brewing
dark and long
a storm is headed your way
huge clouds
to stop your train of thought
rain to fill your eyes
wind to stop you from hearing
a storm is brewing and is headed right for you
sending imagination your way
a storm has hit
darkening the world
clouding the judgement
stopping thoughts from processing
people only use the imagination that’s given
killing the happiness inside
A storm has passed
killed minds but left the souls
TLDR : addiction sign, lack of friendships and lost conflict.
Today I did really good. I deactivated my Facebook account and I’m really close to stop spending useless time on whatsapp.
For those of you who don’t know, due to suffering and lack of friends… and probably fucked up parents, life failures, crapy job, broken heart and etc… I started to develop signs of addiction.
Im taking Ritalin for studying (ADHD) and each time it hits me, I feel really good, like I’m focusing on the high I get from it.
I also took lately mid-strong pain killers for my stomach ache and I started getting high on it. […]
I have been standing outside the house for a while, letting my thoughts hit hard on love and company.
I really miss my ex, but not because she was someone who gave me trust. But because she was something to hug, hold and have sex with.
It’s easy to remember our time together as lovely, but in fact it wasn’t as so. therefor I decided to quit it, and even then I’m still missing that hug.
I feel like play Chas game against “time”, as if some kind of persona, shaped like a standing clock, is over thinking me at a chess game, and slowly winning.
I wish I […]
I haven’t been honest with a human being a single time, in probably 6 years. I dont understand why others dont lie constantly. I guess others don’t really fit into the sick fuck category either. Honestly though, the deep emptiness inside me seems a little “Extra!” Just a constant void ripping every way inside you, constant and cold. I cant imagine actually feeling anything anymore, it seems impossible. My feeling has been turned off for only a few years and yet they seem like surreal fairy tales you’d tell a tired child at night. But dont misunderstand when Im allowed complete isolation from others, some […]
I would define my self strength to bare mental and physical damage as 8/10.
But even though I’m coping with major life defects (depression, lack of money, friendly back stabs by friends and etc) I still am being damaged.
I’m amazed by how fucked you can get when being stressed. I don’t feel stressed, but I’m definitely showing symptoms of it. I’m sleepless. I can’t fucking go to sleep. It started to show up in the last two month and I’m clearly am devastated by it. I would like to get advices of how to cope with it.
Please give my an idea!
Solutions are welcome!
anyhow, stay strong, be […]
Hello good people… I’m writing this as the last resort after a true hell of a year because, despite my and my family’s and my therapists’ best efforts, the things have only got worse, and I have fallen in deep depression and almost completely lost hope and will to live, but am still very afraid to try suicide and still have spark of hope that things can get better… To start with, I had a very interesting life, I had a lot of ups and downs but was very satisfied with myself and healthy, and was always enthusiastic and full of energy and will to […]
Was it easy? Looking at me withdraw from life and walking away as if it was another tantrum?
Was it easy? Taunting me about being weak everytime I had a breakdown? And asking me to pull my shit together when you’re the one who broke me in the first place?
Was it easy? Pushing me away when I pulled you closer when my demons haunted me every night?
Was it easy? Rolling your eyes and walking out everytime I asked you about your mistakes?
Was it easy? When you gave yourself to so many people yet you told me you only belonged to me?
Was […]
I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel, Iam only waiting for the next accident to occur…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGzu-YqE3Vc
I meticulously fantasize of suicide i die 1000 times
inside my head and late at night i hear the wind
I feel the death blows by semi trucks
and I don’t give a shit about myself I want to jump
but then I think about my family
and the people that surround me and i..
This song is pretty sad but expresses my feelings on how I want to kill myself but I think of my family and of not wanting to hurt them by doing so…
hey,
just want to share a little bit of my story. Sorry for my bad english.
My father is an alcoholic psycho, as long as I can think. He was allways fliping out. I started smoking weed, when I was 12. I was smoking and drinking every day, since Im 16. At this age, I became sick, crohns desease. Every day pain, like hell… Im on opiate painkillers since Im 20. This every day pain breaks my brain. Got depressed after some years of horrible pain. With 25 I started to take speed, meth, cokain everyday use, in weekends mdma, sometimes lsd, alltogether with weed and painkillers. Every […]
I relapsed again today. again…
do any of you ever feel like you will never, ever get better? like it is impossible for you to ever be normal or happy?
that’s exactly how I’ve felt for the longest time… i thought I wanted to get better but maybe deep down I don’t… i just can’t… I cant get better and I cant really explain it better than saying my body just wants to continue to sink and linger in this hole of depression.
i think this could be because of how I am.. no one as sensitive or as pathetic as me could ever exist normally in this […]
Your endgame is death. You have no real purpose in living. You don’t have any objectives in my life, and it’s been suggested that you make some. Find something to do, anything.
While you are alive, your objective is to make yourself as scarce as possible. Help others. If harm is to come to anyone, do everything in you power to make it come to you. You are unimportant. You are an extra, you can take the fault. You are disposable. Take the blame unless it is beneficial to others.
You have no grand dreams or imaginations. You don’t want to be happy. You don’t want to […]
I don’t know when all of this started, I just know it keeps getting stronger by the day.
I was never the one to believe that you have to tell others your problems, never thought of mental health as something real, I just thought of it as something you make to yourself, because you are not strong enough, or smart, or pretty enough, a weakness if you will, and I still do.
I didn’t have the baddest of childhoods, nor the best. I was bullied since I was a kid till I finished high school, but I kept going, knowing that something better was waiting for me […]
5 days ago I lost 136 days of being clean of cutting. It might seem like nothing but it took all of me to get past those 136 days. When I broke them it wasn’t like always. Right now, I feel so shitty about myself and I’m in a really bad place. I got through the last school year taking vitamin supplements because the doctor told me to do so. I stopped them about 2-3 months ago and for the past week I’ve been feeling so down and tired all the time. Last night, I slept for the longest I have ever slept since school […]
On the edge of the battlefield
My mind falters
The asperity of self hatred
Bearing down on me
You knew this day would come
A time to pay for what you’ve done
Hopes crushed, dreams lost
In the stain on my hands
My cold pale heart
Buried next to you
The walls of this prison
Built with pain and sorrow
The fantasy revoked
Like my lease on life
It’s time to return
To where I belong
To the darkness that consumes
The emptiness that beckons
The pain that eases
My attempts at life
A joke in their own right
So douse this flame
With the strands of infinity
Hang me out to dry
Soaking in regret
The taste of failure
Fresh on my lips
A web of confusion
Clouding my thoughts
Nothingness closes in
This […]
these last few days have been really weird. the number of times i’ve left my room is in single digits; i can’t seem to bring myself to leave my bed for some reason. still unemployed, still being a failure, still not doing anything, still complaining.
i don’t know what to write, but about 5 minutes ago i was sitting on my window and had a feeling i could do something not very nice so i guess typing whatever is better than that.