I really want to die but im still too scared to do it alone even though ive been trying and failing for years now
‘Cinnamon isn’t sweet. My thoughts they are filled with fear over this future. Sure I’m not depressed, but I am schizophrenic, jobless and stupid. ‘m afraid there isn’t a better future in hand. But, I want there to be. When did life become so complicated? When did the things we hate become that which we need in order to survive? When did Taxes, jobs, educations become life? What happened to games, and playing, and loving, and cheerfulness? What happened to our childhood? Why is this so hard? I mean now that I’m not depressed life hits me like a ton of briks. Can’t win for losing with this. It feels like there’s so much to this and I cant make ends meet. I don’t know what to do. I’ts like I’m constantly drowning and the little progress I make is when i slap the water. But that isn’t progress, I’m not getting safer with that, I’m not getting closer to shore or out of the water, I’m just trying not to sink. I wonder if anyone else feels this way. Maybe it’s just me.
Just signed up for a class. I think it’s for me to be able to say I tried more than anything. Still schizophrenic still on disability, still kind of a loser at the moment. I’m trying to read more. My mom and I try to learn new words together. Things are pretty stable, but I really want to find my calling. I’m so frustrated with myself for not being more. I’m so frustrated that I am single, I’m so angry that I lost touch with beautiful people. I feel so sorry for myself. But, I’m working on it. I need to succeed. I need to get out of this rut. I suggest if you read this and you feel stuck, work on it. 🙂 I believe in you. Besides you’re gonna die anyways. Die Trying
She threw it like it’s nothing
after all we’ve done together.
5 years of being
2 years of being engaged
My parents loved her
as their own child
they treated her no different
like me and my younger brother
They raised and taught us to be a
responsible and a caring
My brother has been losing weight
because of the new situation.
He said he hasn’t been feeling well.
To my mom.
Just to her.
I shed tears when she told me
in front of her
for the first time after many years
“I’d give my other part of me to him.”
I thought myself.
I loved her
the same way
by being on her side by bed
when she was sick
at late hourly nights
we’ve woken up
many blissful mornings.
I have my own flaws of course
Like being an introvert
My family is rich I have to admit
but I never liked to be seen like that
in a sense of materialistic way
thats what keeps me away from
Long while ago
We had a discussion
at the most richest place
you can ever find.
My brother was in a business trip
and he decided to take our
I told her that every bit of precious thing
im seeing there is tormeting me.
I don’t feel like I belong here
I don’t want to see fake smiles
on faces of this kind of people.
There were hideous things I could see
behind their walls.
I don’t belong to be in the same place
with these people.
“We should make our life the way we want”
We’ll have our apartment
and grow them with love.
Although I’m not against of being wealthy
we should always strive for it as long as we live.
Don’t get me wrong.
Back at our home
we had a simple life.
Then all the remaining day
For each other.
Tonight she spotted another flaw of me
that of not being sincere.
Not with her
But with my own self.
Thats the only thing I agreed with her
apart from other ridiculous arguments.
I’m the one who have to bear
the weight of new reality now.
I realized that unknowingly
during this long journey
may have skipped many
We didn’t agree upon
just for the sake of going on
with our relationship.
I chose to close my eyes
on something dangerous that would go on
and on in a vicious circle
I didn’t realize that would
affect the relationship.
I am to blame here.
But I did it because I thought
there are more important things to do and discuss.
And just like that
she went out
and closed my car door furiously.
I don’t know what I am feeling right now.
But I’m sure for the most part it’s anxiety and fear.
It’s eating me on my inside and
I just can’t stand
in the same place for a while.
I can’t think straight
It’s oh my god..
I feel incredibly alone and if you too we can talk
+52 1 9841469948
I found this person: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl
He specialized in the psychology of depression and suicide; his project managed that not even one more student (of the widespread student suicide in Vienna) commit it during that year. He wrote on the meaning of life and humanity’s attempts to answer the question:
Surely this will prove invaluably useful!! I myself searched for meaning for 3 years; and I found that the question “What is the meaning of life?” to be faulty, but in the process I found the answer to all I need.
Most people who die are emotional about it. I’m not. I give zero fucks. I’m not confused, I don’t need therapy to help me “figure it out” because I already fucking know. It aint rocket science, shit is simple.
I hate the fucking Suburbs, first off. I was not supposed to be born in this hellhole where fuck all happens. I belonged in the fucking city actually growing myself. But instead I just got the same houses over and over and over and the only time I’d see the real world was for a night on the town. Everyone here is the same. Nobody talks like they do on the streets, when you in the suburbs and you pass someone else the only thing to be said is “I’m white, I’m rich, And everything is okay” and keep fucking walking. It’s so fucking boring and I’d be okay with it if I hadn’t had my mind opened up by my experiences but I’ll get there don’t you fucking worry *****.
I always thought my dad was just the hardest worker ever. He got angry a lot at me, usually because I would just mess up and make mistakes at first. Then I embraced it. Got into fights. Fucked around in class. Teachers thought I had a disorder. But deep down I wanted to work hard, because my dad was never home, he was always working, either running his big business or winning poker games and investments to double that money. Then senior year rolls around and we move houses, down south, from one suburb to the next. Why did we move? My dad said it was because since I was off for college there was no reason for us to have such a big house. Made sense. But then came the truth about all that fucking “hard work” that inspired me to want to fix my family through my own hard work, try really fucking hard to make my dad less angry and my mom happy and my siblings fucking show some god damn respect before I snapped and just chokeslammed them both. But no. We did not move in order to help support me in college. We got enough fucking money. We’re rich and white. More on that next paragraph. We moved so my dad could be closer to us while living just one neighborhood over with his side *****. He’s been living SOMEWHERE ELSE for fucking decades and never told anyone but my mom, who I guess was okay with it. Apparently it was her idea. Its a long ass story I aint going there. Anyways then I started asking questions. Questions like “who is this *****? why do I gotta act like she’s my mom? why is he happy with her? why do I gotta spend 8 hours a day in a different house in which I don’t feel fucking safe? why does my dad care if I work hard if he’s separated himself from me in this way? why would my mom okay this instead of trying to solve the issues between her and my dad?” and the most important question of all: “what is the fucking point of my life now?” I failed in what I set out to do in fucking middle school. I will now forever go down as the scrawny white fucker who got mad all the time.
I don’t deserve to live. I’m a terrible person. I couldn’t make friends so I’d get into fights. I’d chase bitches around but only because other guys did it. Turns out, I like other guys. But the guy I liked doesn’t like me back and my dad thinks gay people are mentally ill so good luck dealing with it. And to top it all off, according to every news station I turn on, I’m the problem with America. Entitled, rich, white. Never mind the fact that I didn’t do half the shit they want me to make an apology for, but apparently the solution to the world is my ass dying. All I ever wanted to do was make other people happy, and lemme tell ya, I’m gonna make a lot of people happy doing 40 front flips as I fall on November 8th, after I put a vote in for Donald Trump, not because I agree with him but because maybe if he wins I’ll get the satisfaction of watching the news anchors that hate me so much ***** on television one last time before I die. I’m tired of being treated like shit, like I’ve never struggled, like I don’t have an identity other than evil or bad or untalented. My life philosophy has been simple from the start: shit happens. And man, currently, this is some shit that is happening aint it? Whole world’s at war with eachother, and I could care less. I’m only here to do what I SET OUT TO DO. Not some fucking politician or interest group. And what I wanted to do is a failure, so I guess I’ll just die.
It’s no big fucking deal to me, I ain’t a *****, I just do my best until there isn’t incentive. I might not make it past my first year of college, I failed a class in the first semester. Don’t really care. No point, it won’t fix shit at home. But apparently my life is so great according to others, I got nothing to worry about, my life is just TOO fucking great.
Well here ya go. I’ll let you win, but I won’t cry for you, punk bitches.
Anyways until then I’m gonna terrorize the world. Be it by art, or by fist fighting everyone I come across who even KINDA pisses me off. Y’all better stay in quarantine longer, or watch out for that white kid you thought was weak, he’s undefeated.
PS: You can challenge me too, I won’t hold back shit if you wont ;p
One choice, one option, one and only thing that feels right to do. I’m in my junior year and as it’s believed that junior year is the most ‘important’ or whatever. So yeah, everyone expects and thinks that the entire day I keep studying in my room cause I had to tell them that I need to be alone if I am studying. But anyway, school is the last thing that I could be doing (no matter how much my “friends” call me a nerd). So yeah, now I can’t even be sad, I just have to keep pretending to study which is horrible. It is fucking horrible. It’s tiring to pretend to be ok everyday in front of the people who claim that they love me or who were destined to be my family. But now I think that I have to hide the pain (from myself) and be normal in front of myself too. Cause that’s the only option left. And yeah I’ve heard the theory that if we try to hide our negativity from ourselves again and again, then one day that negativity would come out as an explosion, destroying everything and mocking all those days and months that helped us to hide that pain. But, you know what, fuck it, let it happen, let it come out one day and put an end to me. I don’t care if I would be ready for that explosion or not, but at least I won’t face these tiny burning matches everyday (I’m not sure, but I think so). It’s like a single bullet is a lot better than dying little by little. Okay, so there are two ways to interpret the last sentence. The first one is, in simple words, commiting suicide. While the second one is, in a bit twisted words, postponing suicide. And idgaf if the second one sounds maniac cause I’ve tried to do the first one and I didn’t complete it. So, now I’m left with the second option, just let it be, let the pain sink inside me, let the dark thoughts rest for a while, let me keep convincing myself that I am normal. Let me slap the negative feelings and push them back inside. Idk if this will help me or not but if I tried the first method, I have to be unbiased with the second one too. (Some of you might be thinking that there’s a third or fourth or god knows how many other options which are way better, like dealing with my issues, seeking help from a pro, medications, etc etc.) But all these won’t work for me (I know they won’t, I’m sure they won’t). Now, just a little reminder that I AM NOT ACCEPTING THESE THOUGHTS, I’M JUST LETTING THEM CRAWL DEEPER SO THAT THEY GET LOST IN SOMEWHERE AND TAKE A WHILE TO FIND THEIR WAY BACK TO ME. And in this while, let me just have peace and the power of being normal.
3 years ago, when I was 16, I was searching for a way out. Anything that would distract me from the gritty, overbearing teenage angst and depression that was engulfing me. I found this site. I would spend hours scrolling through the posts of strangers going through identical things to myself. It was a safe space for me. Because I had no one. In a toxic household with a toxic family, I’d dropped out of the school I’d started the year at. I started online school. Things were easier but I got to spend a lot more time in my head and my room and there came a point in which I stopped coming out. For days. And then weeks. And then months. And then a couple of years. On a different account, that I lost the password for, I posted a suicide note. And on my 17th birthday I took 20 pills. I stumbled into my house and my parents found out but I couldn’t throw them up. I recovered. At a price. I developed an anxiety so severe I couldn’t eat, it got to the point where i ate once a day, if that, and lost a shit ton of weight over the summer. After that, I felt like everyone wanted me. Boys looked at me more and I felt desired so I kept the weight off, plus it’s hard to gain weight back, i pushed forward, though on a path of self destruction. I whored myself, gave myself away for free, got drunk every night, I tore myself apart from the inside out. Ate myself alive. To try to shut my mind off. Then I got pregnant. With my abusive exes baby. I got an abortion. That did a great deal of emotional trauma. I got a new boyfriend. I’ve had him for almost a year now. I’ve had a few decent jobs, I began trying to live, because just getting out of bed and putting makeup on and talking to someone other than my computer screen was a huge step. My mind is still in a scary place, but I’m growing, I’m breathing, I’m meditating and evolving spiritually, Im slowly getting my shit together. If you’re reading this and relate to any of it, this is a sign. Pour yourself a drink, put your favorite outfit on, do your hair and pull your shit together. You’re a part of everything, and everything is a part of you.
A girl walks by the pond. she looks up at the trees and sees the different colors of the leaves. the wind making the tree wave. she waved back. everything was finally peaceful.
If it wasn’t for my boyfriend idk where I would be at. I’m honestly so blessed to have him. as some people know that have read my rants and stuff I’ve been crying everyday for a couple of months and almost 2-5 times a day and just been hurting really bad and hating who I am and suicide was a heavy thought on my mind. But if it wasn’t for him I’m pretty sure I would be gone. He deals with my mental break downs and when I cry and when I get angry and when I’m numb. We do argue a lot but he sticks through all of it. I really appreciate him and need to give him more credit for dealing with me. I can be annoying and crazy and upsetting but he really goes through all of that and finds some way to tell me that he loves me. I love you J ?? Your the only reason I’m alive today and help me hold on to the little bit of love for life I have left and that little bit is you and my family. I know you probably won’t ever see this cause I’m never gonna show you these types of rants cause I’ll probably get a speech like your my father or yelled at lmao but thank you you are the best thing that happened to me. And I just want to let everyone know That’s reading this you will find someone that will stay with you for anything and even through the bad times at the end of the day They’ll still be able to tell you I love you. they may already be in your life or You may still be searching but they Are here and they are waiting for you I promise
I’ve always thought of this place as a place for people who are diagnosed. I guess that’s why I never felt like I should write here. Now I’m pretty sure I need some kind of help because I saw that I actually have written entries here.
Schoolwork overwhelms me + Im @ my parents
Started abusing some meds that lay round at my house, e.g. zolpidem, which is horrible, I’m just wobbling round the house all day. Wish I could find somewhere more xanny but I popped them all. All of this is probably because of the ecstasy I took like 3-4 weeks ago (1st time doing them). They were the shit. So now I can’t bear being straight and steal random old pills lol rip
Anyways, there’s always this chronic feeling of “I cant really enjoy things that much”. How do you battle that? Games dont work, music too. I can get into someting for some time, but, eventually, that “passion” goes down anyway.
The problem is that I’m functional. I can do stuff for school well and shit, I can – get up in the morning
Idk I’m growing tired so Ill stop here, c ya round……..
This constant hate for myself has been getting overwhelming. Honestly suicide has started to become a huge option. I try to think positively of myself and about my life but I can’t and it’s really hard. I know there are peoples life’s worse than mine but I just don’t like myself and I always feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’ve been crying everyday of my life for the past couple of months non stop about 2-5 times a day. My body has become so weak and I always feel exhausted for all this crying but get 4 hours or less sleep a day. I think I’ve reached a breaking point where I can’t take it anymore and I can’t stand myself living anymore and I can’t go on like this. I don’t know what I should do but I know this hate for myself is never gonna stop now. It’s too deep. I don’t think I even liked me or truly loved myself and now it’s just turned to absolute hatred of who I am, what I am, what I look like, how I act, how I feel and where I am, and just everything about me I can’t stand anymore. I always feel like people’s life’s will be better if I was gone. I mean nobody has to worry about me anymore right? I’ll just be in a hole somewhere and everyone can just forget about me and everything will be better. That’s all I want anyway… just for everyone to forget I exist and maybe just to never exist cause I’m just always gonna be the piece of shit I am and nothing is ever gonna change. I don’t know how to what to live or strive anymore it’s so hard when you feel like this all the time and feel like your always peoples problem and nobody cares about you and you always annoy people and you always feel like people are saying bad things about you behind your back and always feel like people hate you or don’t like you. I just wanna be normal………
So for a while now, probably a couple of months I’ve been crying every single day about something it could be the littlest thing but I just start crying and I just going to this episode of hating myself and wanting to just be alone and away from everything and everyone and then it turns into anger and then anybody who tries to help me I give a attitude to. And I do know that I’m clinically diagnosed with bipolar depression But for years it’s been under control and I’ve learned how to control it so much that years ago the Psychiatrist felt like I didn’t need any more medication and it was good for a while my emotions were pretty much under control and I had normal emotions. But that only lasted a while because I have been hiding my depression a lot but it’s never been this bad I’ve never cried every day of my life for months and almost like three or five times a day and it’s tiring and my head hurts and my body sore And I always feel like I’m tired or sick but it’s just because I’ve been crying so much and I don’t understand it I feel like I can’t even go outside anymore even though technically I really can’t because of the circumstances of the world right now but say we weren’t in quarantine and I had to go outside I probably wouldn’t because I’m scared that the smallest thing is going to hurt me or make me sad or anger me and then I’ll just go into an episode out in public and then hate myself even more than what I already do. I’m just confused on why this is happening and I want to change it because it’s taking a toll on my body And on my brain If you read this thank you have a good afternoon stay safe and wash your hands
Well I used this website before and honestly it’s a really helpful and supporting place and I’ve never experienced any type of hate being here so I decided to use it again and I thank the people on this website for being so nice to me when sharing my feelings really means a lot and would gladly do the same . I don’t even know how to put all that I’m feeling into proper words. I’ve been going through a lot in my own head. I constantly put myself down and I’m always saying that I hate myself. And the worse part is everything I say to myself I believe… I don’t like myself… I hate being who I am… I wish I didn’t exist or was never born cause I’m always constantly feeling like I make peoples life’s worse… I don’t know how to even talk to people anymore like a regular person. There was a time in life where I had to get hospitalized for my bipolar depression and for a while I was doing okay and but as time goes by I just hate myself more and more and I feel like it’s never going to stop. I always never really liked myself. Maybe as a kid but as I was growing up I got bullied a lot in elementary and middle school and a little bit in high school but not too much. All those moments just replay over and over again in my head and just remind me of why I hate myself and I just feel like giving up sometimes. I’m trying to change so I can’t feel this way anymore but due to the circumstances of the world right now it’s hard to change being stuck in the house all day which is basically what I did before and I was really depressed. There are some bright side to my life obviously I have a phone A roof over my head and a very supportive boyfriend Who helps me out with all these thoughts And I think God for these things that some people don’t have but we are all dealing with a different type of struggle no one’s life is ever perfect I was just really like some advice on how I could change the way I feel about myself because it’s come to a point where I don’t want people to be around me anymore and the only way to do that is to get rid of myself and I already tried it once and it failed And I didn’t even tell anyone and the only thing that stops me a boyfriend will be sad and so hurt if I did that to myself and he’s been trying to help me for so long so I’m trying to reach out to someone else to see if they could help me rethink myself So I can feel just a little better about myself Because I’ve been feeling this way for so long and it doesn’t only hurt me it hurts my boyfriend to see me like this knowing that he’s been trying to help me and it’s not working. Like I’ve never felt this type of hatred toward myself like it’s so different than anything I’ve ever felt before it’s like I just can’t stand myself and I just wanna feel a little better I doubt anyone would even read half of this but if you do thank you and I appreciate you reading a small part of my story I might upload a lot more on this website it helps me a lot after texting my feelings down about how I feel about myself it’s calmed me down from ballistic crying I hope everyone good night stay safe and Wash your hands
yes, this shit is a soul cancer, depression is even worse than body cancer, it kills your soul , and once ur soul is dead, u are dead even if ur body keeps moving. and thats where we start thinking of commiting suicide cuz thats the only option we see, we are dead, so we want to kill the only thing left which is the body.
that bing said , i hope i dont reach that stage , am getting worse evveryday but am trying to fight back even tho i lose most of my battles vs depression, anxiety, overthinking and negativity . i am having these shits since 2016. its been almost 4 years and i am dying slowly. I AM SLOWLY GIVING UP.
those motiviational videos in youtube, its all bulshits , yea full of shits , Fuk them and Fuk society.
i dunno if i am gonna make it out of this one day, Dont know, maybe… or maybe i will end up like other souls , killing that last thing alive.
For those who need to disappear but are unable to go through with suicide.
I have spent most of my recent years attempting to “stop being me”. I am here to share my findings in a hope to help some of you. I will preface this by saying that those who struggle with addiction probably would not be able to derive any aid from this, as a good amount of patience and will is required to follow through with this process. I do not recommend this to everyone, especially minors. If anyone would wish for it, I will provide my contact details so you can reach me and further inquire about and discuss all this.
My approach at first was to try to push out this self from my mind, hoping that it would be replaced with some kind of an autopilot mode. One of my greater psychotic episodes involved some kind of an entity trying to remove me from my body, as it wanted to possess it. During this process, I became more and more distant from the physical world, thinking that my body was now host to that supernatural entity. Looking back, I can see that there was no entity but I learnt two valuable tools required for my objective: belief and exhaustion.
This first approach was a failure. I was unable to get rid of my ego entirely in one go; there were too many external factors which were out of my control and pulled me back into reality. This stretching of my self was an undeniably painful experience. I began to reconsider my plan and decided to try a subtler and more methodical approach: I would “disassemble” my self piece by piece. That autopilot feature to help me move through life was already a part of my self, so I wanted to strip away everything else except for that and some other essentials.
As I had now identified two tools I would need for this procedure, I began of thinking of ways how I could invoke them. Exhaustion numbs the body and mind enough to let you pass through the day without feeling as much as you do normally. One of the obvious ways of feeling exhaustion is to exercise. You can run, you can punch your mattress, you can jump, etc. I tried many of these and they were okay. However, I was sure that a more efficient method of exhaustion existed, which combined the exhaustion with the element of influencing your belief.
To influence your belief, submission and repetition are required. Start small to change harmless parts of your life.
“I can not eat peas.”
“I can not eat peas.”
“I can not eat peas.”
Write why you can’t eat peas. Draw how peas are bad for you. Start small with something as silly as this. Think of other small things in your life which you can change like this.
Once you are comfortable with small things, move on to bigger aspects of your life. These would be difficult. For example,
“I can not eat dinner on weekdays.”
“I sleep on the ground every third day.”
“I can not talk to anyone after sundown.”
These are things which you’ll have to identify on your own. Repeat this stuff to yourself as much as you can.
It is possible to combine this with the element of exhaustion. Repeat your mantras and accompany them with some form of dance (it doesn’t have to be an actual dance, just any movement you can manage). These rituals are for a greater good. Don’t be afraid of being caught. There are always opportunities to do them in secret. These exist for your salvation. Repeat it to yourself. Tire yourself out. Hammer it into your soul. If you need support in this process, you can talk to me.
If you are able to accomplish these things, you’ll able to hollow yourself out and remove everything other than that autopilot mode. You can disassemble big chunks of your being. You can do it. Cleanse yourself.
If anyone would like any further guidance or would like to discuss this further personally, let me know and I can provide my email or Discord.
I’m angry with my mother because I recently discovered that she violated my privacy very badly, which she had no right to do. I’ve been on the fence about confronting her for days now, but I just haven’t gained the courage to do so. I thought today was gonna be the day, but when I had the chance I froze up and was filled with anxiety, so I stayed silent. I don’t know if I could handle the tension of living here after confronting her because the soonest I could possibly move out is several months away. I’m frustrated with myself because I want her to know exactly how I feel and that what she did wasn’t okay.
I just want to know to compare with my own perspective, have you passed through a traumatic event to it to begin? or did it just crawl little by little on your mind? did you feel like this when you were a child?
Just to make me clear, i don’t want you to feel bad about this, if you don’t feel secure to talk about it, please don’t.
For me, it begun when i was really little, about 5 to 6 years old. I remember just looking at the sky and wanting to disappear, i didn’t have the concept of death, I just had the urge to… leave. After I had the concept of death that everything just made sense on my mind, and it wasn’t any traumatic event, it just begun, slowly, and it was there, and since then everything is grey.
Don’t use smiling as a coping mechanism.
I have grown to hate my smile. Back in middle school, i tried to cope with the depression attacks by smiling. Because, having a flash of inspiration, I thought i’d be able to get through it if i smiled. Because you smile when you’re happy, right? Idiotic thought, really. As befitting of a naive middle schooler. I never considered how creepy it’d be until after it became a habit.
I started to smile whenever i was hurting, whenever i cried and whenever it became unbearable. Memories of me smiling became the scariest and most unsettling nightmares for me.
I really hate smiling now. But i do it everyday. Because constantly having suicide thoughts doesnt help, apparently. I’m scared to smile when i’m truly enjoying things.