What an god awful day. My emotional capacity is of a child, I couldn’t even let anyone know I went home early, due to feeling like ass. I had it in my gut, that none of my friends will have time to talk to me about it, and I was right. I’m going to cut my arms open tonight. It has been a long time, since that happened but it’s just one of those days you know.? I feel heavy, burdened. It feels like an entity has reached for my heart and keeps hold of it. My weekend will just be me.
Healing.
That’s the word we keep using.
Healing the inner child. Healing the past, Healing and moving forward. Moving with each other.
Special.
What we have is clearly special.
It’s not like we love each other, but we care. We keep using that word, too. Care. I care for her. She cares for me.
…
Pact.
We made a pact together.
We would be alone with each other if it helped and also avoid self-isolation.
Her mind. Font. Her Font. She is so similar to me. She calls it OCD and Anxiety.
I am afraid to speak before her.
but my words
become easier as they leave me
when I speak with her –
i feel heard. After all. Somehow. […]
Do you ever dissociate on your couch at night and casually talk about suicide with your friends, though usually you keep it to yourself.?
Welp, I didn’t just spend a whole hour, writing a whole monologue on the matter of the meaning of life, nooo, I did not… This is going to be awkward tomorrow, I can tell. Not sure, if 50 deleted messages are worse though, seeing as I do that a lot, when I am hurt about something or think: Eh, it’s irrelevant (in a few hours) anyway (’cause my mood is like a pendulum of shit).
I think I’ll leave it. I don’t want […]
Hello there, friends. I just ran across this website tonight. At first I was shocked because it seemed to be promoting suicide, but then I read the rules and realized that wasn’t the case. However, I didn’t worry any less about the people on this site. I don’t know any of you but I’m guessing I know the feelings you’re feeling. Please take a look at what I have to say.
Disclaimers
I’m going to make a few disclaimers before I start. First of all, if I accidentally say something that offends you, I apologize and recognize that your viewpoint exists. However, I don’t apologize for speaking […]
lonely, i’ve been. no matter how much i say that, it still doesn’t change. i’m stuck in this pit.
my own little world has been harder and harder to focus on, a place where i’m not that lonely.. but this one album(s) makes me carry on. it’s called The Metal Opera by Tobias Sammet’s Avantasia.
i found it simply on a whim, i started with one song called The Seven Angels.. and ever since i’ve been hooked.
I bought the gold edition CD, and reading though the whole lore makes me feel more connected to the characters, the world. i love everything about this album and i can’t […]
I am afraid of harm.
I have grown wise about harm.
But I just found that when I perform it, the crippling pain leaves in a way and for a time while my wound remains.
I am scared of myself now.
[image and caption removed]
My eyes roll back, my tongue hardens, balling up in my throat.
I choke on my body, every finger feels alone. As if somebody is pouring their voice into my mind, humming a drone which washes over me like I’m being boiled alive, I reeel repeatedly, awash sans sensation save an echoing of separation.
Like a hand to the face, or a soft bucket of cold water, my senses return, the highways of mind occupy themselves once more.
Defenseless, totally vulnerable to otherworldly nothing, unreasonable in any fashion.
/~\\
(Abandoned places)
https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/transition.html
https://www.bmj.com/content/341/bmj.c3222
https://www.uptodate.com/contents/suicidal-ideation-and-behavior-in-adults/print
https://drjonicewebb.com/how-to-deal-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents/
https://www.wikihow.com/Accept-That-Your-Parents-Don%27t-Understand-You
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantone_448_C
(here- […]
FUCK TIME TIME IS A B!TCH
FUCKIN RANT O’CLOCK, FUCKLES MCGEE!
GUESS WHAT?! I’m FUCKING waiting now, and I FUCKING hate it!
WAITING FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING SOLUTION which is GONNA MAKE MY LIFE BETTER
but FUCK WAITING OH GOD
I WAS STABLE for like A WEEK AND A HALF damnit! FUCK COPING! FUCK QUESTIONS from PROFANE PREACHERS of PALLID HATE!
HERE’s the UPDATE, because HELL YEAH that’s useful!
Part ONE:
I wanna make some FUCKIN DEMANDS, damnit!
I WANNA COFFIN, DAMNIT! and you BETTER NOT THROW AWAY ALL THE SHIT I PUT TOGETHER TO LAY THIS WHOLE MESS OUT FOR YA!
alright, now to the kind and well-deserving members of thesuicideproject.org, I’d like to […]
Looking to golden lights, disoriented by gossamer affection
You never loved me- lie no more. Leave me or love me, I shan’t stand for your façade any longer. I see truth, I knew from the genesis of your sin, it held no virtues.
You called my light delusion, and you called my patience an unchecked ego. When I spoke clearly at last, your shell crumbled, you held no quarter to the lies before which you had brought forth against me. You say it “I love you not, I care nothing for you however you shall live.” And so it was laid plain.
Goddamnit, I’d hate for this to just be some bum other journal for me. But- At break point, I know that need.
Tonight I make the daring leap, I do what I hate myself for, what they will never forgive truly. For they cannot love, They cannot care for anything other than their purchase ‘pon me.
They will hate and weep, plead and probe into me, but my adamantine message cannot falter. Tonight will be difficult, I fear it’s malfruition. I pray to honest God for strength, for forgiveness for the resolve of self I have lacked so long, and for grace abounding […]
The playlists abounded, the only things left besides the journals upon journals, notepads chock-full
https://creator.nightcafe.studio/creation/lgZAU77M5JbFZvkkBCuY
It is human to, at this point, put forth a greeting to the community i have just joined here. Hello. I want to die. I shall start with a recent tale of achievement in my life.
-I am very happy that recently, I secured my avenue of prospective death in a manner of which I shall not discuss, but which brings me great solace to find was appropriately covert and fruitful. I feel peace knowing I can hold the hand of death this way, and have been more productive for having this comfort.
This is all I shall share for now.
Wishing […]
It helps me when I’m suicidal to list little dumb things that make me last an extra 10 minutes. Try making your own list. Make it personal and stupid and something no one else would find inspirational. I’ll include mine as an example
——
You haven’t been on a 19th century sail ship before. Or pooped in a golden toilet. Seen that one celebrity in real life before. Or that one famous painting. Or heard your favorite band live. What’s that one thing really like, in real life? What does frankensense smell like? What is it like to ride a Jetski? There are so many things you don’t know […]
Every day I think about ways to stop this overwhelming pain and sadness. I can’t be bothered anymore. I feel that I can’t leave because I have my son to look after and he has already suffered tremendous loss. I can’t focus. I’m going to lose my job if I don’t return. I find no joy in anything. I only want to lie around and sleep or watch TV. I am a worthless nothing piece of crap. The love of my life blindsided me and left – no contact. Just cheated and left after eight years. I’ve struggled with my mental health for years and […]
As of this writing, I’m 53 years old. My health is suspect, although I do the things for myself I need to in order to stave off utter decrepitude. I’m single…well, never married. Never relationshipped, to be perfectly honest, not even that of the overnight variety. I have lived, lost…no, not lost. Generally, I’ve driven others away as a consequence of erratic emotional stability. For 10+ years, until last year in fact, I was the full-time, live-in caregiver for my parents. This ceased last year, on July 17, when my mother succumbed to triple hit diffuse large B-cell lymphoma, with spinal cord involvement. By that […]
My life is like climbing a steep hill and mountain, sometimes I feel on top of everything but the next is that I slipped and fall into my grace.
I don’t know why everything I do turns to south, or why do I even bother to live a supposed purpose to this world. Calling for help is no easy task or even ignored and belittled by many people that surrounds you.
Laughed for being too dumb or stupid.
Being the dunce of the class and not academically smart enough to be the rest of them or being bullied at school for […]
Lately i’m not sure how i’m feeling, whether it’s really high, highs or really low, lows. I keep getting confused by the highs and think oh i’m getting better and then being proved wrong by the lows. I’ve dealt with a lot of past trauma, that being a lot of sexual abuse by people who i trusted and thought were there to protect me but realizing that i shouldn’t been protected by them instead was the hard part. I can’t remember when the sexual abuse started and i can’t remember who the first person was. I remember most people who have done it, my uncle, […]
Happiness or pleasure is like any other addictive substance..
It gives you a high and then when you don’t have it you can’t live without it.. Now all you want is a little bit more of it..
Then you promise yourself that you will stay happy no matter what… Whatever may happen the worst of the worst but you still believe that someday everything will be perfect as you have always wanted and prayed for…
And that day hopefully you can feel something inside of you… Don’t know what it is but all I hope is it’s not happiness.. The illusion of happiness
I can’t drink anymore because of what it does to my body but I need something to stop feeling. I have other coping mechanisms but nothing numbs everything like alcohol does. When I was younger I always thought I’d end up as an alcoholic or a drug addict. This reality is too hard to stomach on its own. My meds help but not with depression.
Wtf do I do without alcohol?