Despite what I think of myself, I still have a reason or two to keep holding on. So maybe I’ll just stick around for now.
So who here is on medication? I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow but some part in me wants to not take meds if I am prescribed one because of all the things I’ve read like it messes up your mind or brain chemistry or something. So what does it feel like when you take your happy pills? Do they even work? Has it messed up your thinking?
A couple of weeks ago I had a major emotional meltdown. Sometimes a minor thing will trigger such things. Anyway, as soon as I got home, I completely fell apart. I didn’t think I would ever stop yelling and crying.
I think of my personal despair on a zero-to-ten scale: Zero being no despair, and ten being climbing up into my attic and putting a belt around my neck. On this particular evening I was up around a nine.
I knew something had to be done, so I was able to get a prescription for Zoloft (generic name sertraline). I’ve always been very leery about taking artificial happiness pills, so I told me doctor I wanted to start with a low dose. So now I’m on 25 mg per day, which is about the lowest dose anyone takes. While it had some noticeable effects at first, my doctor said I had to be on it for at least a week before I noticed a significant improvement in my overall mood. And she was right. It’s been good for me. It doesn’t mean I no longer get angry or bitter or sad, but it has made it much more manageable.
I have enough left for another two months or so. During this time I’m going to examine my feelings, get some therapy, and maybe get past this emotional crisis in my life.
I’m passing this along in case it helps anyone else. I you go through recurring periods of despair, as I am prone to, you may wish to try the same low-dose therapy I’m using. It seems to be working for me.
Does anyone here spend most of the time indoors and only going out when necessary? It’s been weeks since I’ve gotten out of the house and I’m losing my mind already. I haven’t had social contact aside from my girlfriend and sad thing is we only see each other hours at best because she has classes to attend to. My routine consists of moping in bed, waking up, doing nothing and then seeing my girlfriend every time her classes are up which is in the wee hours of the afternoon. My life is trash and honestly, it wouldn’t make a difference if I died today. I wouldn’t even be surprised if no one came to my funeral.
It also doesn’t help I don’t have a job so I really have nothing to do in my house aside from either staring in front of my computer screen or just laying in bed. This is my daily routine and it’s more than 8 hours a day. Imagine doing this for every single day of your existence of doing nothing but just staring in front of the computer, sitting around and moping in bed. I’m already in my 30s and I can’t imagine doing the same thing over and over again for 30 more years. I’d rather die than go through this for another 30 years of my miserable existence. It’s either I off myself or go to a monastery and spend all my remaining days there for the rest of my life. I’m already a shut-in anyway so why not shut myself out in the real world? At least I will have something to do in a monastery rather than doing nothing inside the house but mope around and be a leper all day.
I’ve really lost it all. I lost my friends, I lost my job, family doesn’t give a damn about me and all I have are my negative feelings and thoughts which bother my mind. I’ve got no one to talk to about my problems aside from my girlfriend. Even then, I don’t want to burden her too much with my problems. Seems everything I touch goes down the drain. Now all I have are feelings of despair, hopelessness and helplessness that I’m starting to have suicidal ideations. Anyone in the same boat? How do you guys cope up in such a hell and nightmare? I want to go outside and socialize, I really do but I have no one to turn to in my state. I have no social support and help in my situation aside from the woman in my life who still hasn’t abandoned me after all this time. It’s a miracle she’s still with me after all the failures I’ve been through. To have someone who deeply cares no matter where you are now is a miracle in this day and age, but even then I don’t know how this will last.
I think the internet is causing a lot of problems for me. I have a habit of looking up answers to impossible questions, such as what’s wrong with me, why was I born, what’s the point of going on another day? And I always get the same answers. Life if a gift. Don’t waste it. But I have to wonder if it really is. Maybe it is for some people, but not for me. It’s like when you get something for Christmas from your grandma that you really didn’t want. And you’d feel really guilty about throwing it away because they obviously took the time to choose it out for you. But at the same time, you just end up leaving it on a shelf somewhere, and every now and again you look up at it and wonder “why do I have this?” That’s the basic gist about how I feel. So when people say life is a gift and we should treasure it, I’m just thinking “Well yeah, but I never asked for it.” It’s not my fault I was given something I didn’t want in the first place. Why couldn’t I have signed a damn waiver? Like, before I was born, it’d be nice if God just sat me down and told me “This is all the shit you’re going to put up with in your life. You in?” I think I’d probably say no. And go back to not existing or floating in limbo or whatever.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad these random internet people care enough to try and talk me down from these ledges (even if I don’t think they’re trying to hard to see it from my perspective), but a lot of time their advice just makes me feel at best confused, and at worst extremely guilty. They range from things like get right with God (Honesty, I don’t feel comfortable with asking him for anything these days. Kinda feels like I’m taking out a loan I don’t intend to pay back.), get busy and do something productive (I’ve now got a full schedule in college and I’m the busiest I’ve ever been. Honestly, this might have made my moods worse.), to simply “stop thinking about it so much.” (Because you know, that’s my problem.) Of course, I realize these things probably worked for someone, or else why would they post them, but I’m not entirely sure anymore if there is a “one size fits all” solution. One of the things I’ve learned about having Asperger’s is that we think about things differently, and different things have different meanings to me than with other people, and maybe not everyone else’s experience is the same as yours. So when people tell me what worked for them to pull them out of depression, I feel happy for them but that doesn’t mean I’m going find the same catharsis from their methods.
Of course, as interesting as that hypothesis is, it doesn’t necessarily do me any favors. But I’m going to try to force myself not to look up depressing shit like “who cares if I kill myself” or “what’s the point in living”. Because I’ve heard it all before. And maybe I should stop spending so much time on the internet too. I guess all in all, it’s just a matter of trial and error here.
In general, Feelings cannot happen without a thought happening first. If you feel sad, it’s because you are thinking sad thoughts. If your thoughts are happy, you will feel happier. If you think you cant do something, then you’ll feel powerless, and you wont do that thing–even if you have the ability and really CAN! We can delude ourselves like that. If your feelings seem “automatic”, it’s a good indicator that youve been running your thoughts on “auto pilot”. Its possible to take back control though. What you put into your head or keep inside your head is what you will get right back.
Thought -> Feeling -> Action
Being more aware of your thinking habits can allow you to stop the cycle of negativity. People with chemical imbalances should take meds as well.
These days I don’t feel anything. Things that I used to care about seem uninteresting.
I feel like I have been on a road to self destruction. I see myself doing things that I know will only hurt me, but I can’t bring myself to care. I can’t bring myself to care about anything anymore and that scares me.
My grades are slipping, my relationship with my parents is straining.
I know that I should try to fix everything while I still can, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do anything anymore.
The thought of dying have been on my mind more than usual. I am not even afraid anymore because the thought of dying is the only thing that brings me comfort and that, ironically, scares me.
Urghhh I just want everything to make sense.
you were not even 13 years old when you planned your suicide. you were not even 15 years old when you seriously attempted your suicide.
i am here to tell you, younger me, that i am glad you are still around.
think about your mama. what would she feel like in this very moment, in these past few weeks when she has felt so low, if you were gone?
you were practically still a baby when someone touched you, a bad touch, a touch you didn’t like or want, and it made you feel so tainted.
listen to me. that is not what boys do when they like you. that was not your fault.
oh, my sweet little self, stop your crying. i know it hurts to see his face in the halls at school even to this day, but soon you’ll never go back there. you’ll never see him again.
you busted blood vessels in your knuckles with your teeth, scarred your skin thousands of times, ripped your hair until you had bald patches. you have been screamed at, spat at, hit, hurt, but you are still here.
you are still here.
you’ve got to stay, even when you don’t feel like you have anywhere you belong.
empty wallets and clouded minds
my daddy is gone, he is gonna get what’s coming to him, he is gonna get a taste of his own medicine
he is gonna get what he deserves
Just had a baby last week. My boyfriend stayed home for a few days to help with the recovery. Hes gone back to work on Monday and im here…while my baby is in the hospital because she was born 2 months early. Im home and it hurts to move. I…have such an urge to harm myself. I told my doctors a plethora of times that im suffering from depression and it falls on deaf ears every time. I keep doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things, and i just feel like a failure and a horrible mom. A horrible person.
Can you overdose on percocets? They make my mind blurry, but they were prescribed to me for the c section. I never needed them, but can they be used to numb a different kind of pain? How many would it take? Its all i can do to hopefully fix myself again.
dislocated self-awareness. declination of the past. dispersion from freedom. unpleasant emersive thoughts. respective immersive social relational trust fond. disability of detachment.
this just keeps me awake what I read. who makes funerals, I would be death inside but I want to express it privately and have trust in coping skills, and issues.
I wished it in a bad prediction for the future to die, and I relapsed from hate to love which is something strong to me. I am unable to remember this, but the development of the relapse took my commiseration which used to consume me out in view of my desire and which had me selflessly in damage to myself empowered me to emphasize with the most painless atmosphere.
And that was depression. Crying made me Free, but I’m not done enough, it was a huge loss which is gone with the hate. I’m like censoring myself as I can’t express it by any act and want to be striked by something that is close to the imagination that leaved me with my believe that the causality to love after the psychosis is better than the truth of my ridiculous expectations and to be loved back.
And I insist for the proof of my desparation with the peace in me to have suffered and to want more.
I stay in distance because for just a single time I want to disrespect my confidence. I don’t want to trust the love, I want to be with, with only the fear and want that to make me cry.
I can’t stop, I’m uninterested of being real in life without and really am not into the world all my life.
I must find another home that is corrupting the idea that the first memory is been one I trusted to, felt close to and wanted to life in. I didn’t.
Can you make out my mind? I can’t make out mine..
For anyone who has been reading my posts since I joined, would know that I, like many other people on this site, cut myself in desperate times. However, I haven’t in a couple months even when I wanted to. I realised that maybe it isn’t the best/only way to deal with problems and I hope other people can stop too. But the end of one addiction is the beginning of another one and unfortunately for my health, I’ve started smoking about 2 months ago and before that, did it probably once a week for a few months. Not a lot but still I’m doing it. It’s my new way of relieving myself. Sometimes I do worry that there is the chance that I’d get sick but it is unlikely since the most Ive smoked is like 4 in a day. I do not at all suggest this to anyone, but just felt the need to share my change in bad habits, my new relief.
Once, I was desperate to get along well with my friends. I paid whenever I went out to eat with them, gave them gifts so they wouldn’t leave me all by myself.
It so happened that I had dated one of my friends. Dating him wasn’t as happy as I thought. That experience still haunts me. The touch, the kiss.. all is a nightmare. Even now, as I trace my scars, I think of him – he destroyed me mentally. Yes, the relationship was toxic.
One might wonder, “Why didn’t you break up with him? Don’t act like a baby.” Well, if you and your boyfriend happens to belong in a group of your only friends at school – and you spend all of your days at school -, you might be hesitant to end your relationship. Breaking up might bring end of many friendships.
Then, I came to realize that I shouldn’t be afraid. I’m basically an adult, I should act like one. Whether I’m included within my friends’ group shouldn’t determine how happy I am.
So, here I am now. I don’t know what lies my ex-boyfriend concocted to make my previous friends be so rude to me, though I never ever had a row with any of them.
But, now I know, it’s really alright to be lonely. I may have only a couple of friends with whom I hang out, and that’s enough.
I’m an outsider, I chose it, and it’s really nothing. The perfect way to cope with your relationship problems is -at least for me- to leave all pretense of trying to be friendly with everybody.
Last night, I had my 18th birthday. I invited 13 people. And only 4 showed up. We made so much food. The evidence of people not coming is still here. People just told me they couldn’t come last minute. I felt shitter as the night went on.
I had a 3 tier cake. A fire pit to roast marshmallows. Cocktails. Multiple games. In the end it didn’t matter what was at the party people still didn’t show.
It was half an hour until two of my friends showed. They were the first guests. I thought they were the only ones coming until another two showed up. I felt so relieved.
Two others who were supposed to come said they couldn’t come because: they forgot, and my other friend said her dog was sick and might be put down.
I don’t know if I should believe them, but when they told me, I felt sick. I was so embarassed and upset and mad. My four friends who actually came felt sorry for me and tried to make me feel better by telling how this party was so much fun.
Nevertheless, I cried myself to sleep last night, and I’m still crying. I have never felt so humiliated in front of everyone. Now they know how much of a loser I am.
I always struggled with some sort of addiction ever since I was little. When I was little it was huffing sharpe markers. Im pretty sure every kid did that hah. Then when i was a pre-teen it was self harming. The usual cutting, scratching at myself until i bled, pinching, biting, etc. I was addicted to tormenting myself for 7 years. Of course, that stopped. But now as a fresh adult, i find myself leaning to a new addiction. Smoking. I do vape and i find it as a casual hobby rather than an addiction tbh. But the thing about cigs is that it feels like a warm and tight hug in my chest. I find comfort with each puff i take and I know it is harmful. I just say fuck it. I dont care about my health anymore. I know if i continue i will hurt myself from the inside out. But fuck it. i say that but at the same time i do care. I dont even know. Im just confused and conflicted.
Have you guys struggled with addiction? Any tips on how to control it?
i was twelve.
he reached between my legs and touched what was not his.
the guilt, the shame, the sadness… they practically ate me alive.
i was fourteen.
he pulled off my shirt and kissed me where i did not want to be kissed. i wanted those bruises gone. their weeklong stay was too long.
i was told that a boy will touch you like that when he likes you.
i tell myself a boy will touch my heart if he likes it so truly.
the old cat.
the younger cat.
the solar eclipse.
the falling leaves.
her best friend.
the group chat.
the dancing bird video.
the cute cat video.
the chicken farm.
the funny dreams.
” In music the passions enjoy themselves. ” – Friedrich Nietzsche
Nikos Skalkottas (1904-1949) was one of the greatest composers of the 2oth century classical music – I personally place him next to Kurt Weill and Igor Stravinsky. It’s a shame that nowadays most people (especially here in Greece) don’t know his work. Here’s the wikipedia page about him:
I should write what are the names of the compositions and the songs in this video and where the photos in it are taken.
36 Greek Dances
00:00 – 01:23 Epirotikos – photos from the region of Epirus in Greece.
01:24 – 03:22 Kleftikos – photos of various Greek mountains.
03:22 – 05:16 Tsamikos (An Eagle) – photos of various Greek mountains again, but this time during the winter, so they’re all full of snow.
05:16 – 06:38 Cretikos – photos from the island of Crete. At 06:19 we see Castello a Mare (castle of the sea) or Castel di Candia (castle of Candia), which was build by the Venetians (Crete was under Venetian/Italian rule for many centuries).
06:38 – 08:22 Syrtos Dance – photos from the castle of Mistras, situated at mt. Taygetos in the Peloponnese (it’s near Sparta). This castle was build by the Franks (during the crusades, Peloponnese was under Frankish rule) and later the Byzantines (or, to be more precise, Eastern Romans) conquered it, that’s why we see a lot of churches there. The statue that we see at the end of the song is of the last Byzantine emperor, Constantine IX Palaeologus.
08:22 – 10:12 Island Dance – photos of various islands in Greece. The first one is from the island of Santorini.
10:12 – 12:03 Mazochtos Dance – photos of various ancient sites. More explicitly:
10:16 – reenactment of the ancient Olympic games ceremony at ancient Olympia.
10:28 – photo of the Knossos palace on the island of Crete.
10:40 – I have no idea which temple is this, probably the Aphaea (or Aphaia) temple on the island of Aegina.
10:51 – Again, no idea. Probably the temple of Apollo in Corinth (it’s impossible for me to know all the archaeological sites in Greece, there are too many of them).
11:03 – Temple of the Olympian Zeus in Athens.
11:14 – Temple of Poseidon at cape Sounion (it’s near Athens).
11:25 – Sanctuary of Athena in Delphi.
11:37 – Temple of Apollo on the island of Delos.
11:48 – The Lion Gate at Mycenae in Peloponnese.
12:01 – same as the photo at 10:16.
12:03 – 15:26 The Trawler – photos of the sea.
The Maiden and Death
15:26 – 18:25 Andantino (Tempo di Valse) – photos of statues/sculptures/graves from the First Cemetery of Athens.
Piano Concerto No. 1
18:26 – 19:50 – photos of various buildings in Athens.
Bolero for Cello and Piano
19:51 – 21:57 – photos from Germany (whoever made this video put them in, because Skalkottas studied music in Germany).
The Return of Ulysses (Overture)
21:58 – 24:01 – photos of refugees and immigrants, not only in Greece, but in various places of Europe.
Double Bass Concerto
24:01 – 26:00 Allegro Vivo e Molto Ritmato – photos of various ancient Greek statues.
26:00 – 27:25 – photos taken during the Nazi occupation of Greece (1941-1944). At 26:46 and 27:04 we see the ”saltadoroi” (jumpers): these were small kids who jumped on German trucks and were stealing food to eat. At 27:13 we see Greek partisans. The last photo was taken in Athens on the day the Germans left the city.
This poem is based on the ancient Greek epic poem Odyssey, which is attributed to the legendary author Homer. Quick summary of the Odyssey: there was a war between the ancient Greeks and the Trojans (Troy was – and still is – located at nowadays North-western Turkey), the Greeks laid siege on the city of Troy for 10 years and they destroyed it (there’s another ancient epic poem, Aeneid by the Roman author Virgil, that picks up the story after the destruction of Troy, but let’s stick to Homer’s Odyssey for now). After that, one of the Greek kings named Odysseus (in Latin: Ulysses) set out for Ithaka, his birthplace and kingdom. On his journey home (which lasted, according to the poem, 10 years) he had many adventures and misadventures.
And, for the film buffs, a good adaptation of the Odyssey is this one:
Anyway, I posted this poem because we can see it as a representation of life itself. And I can’t decide if it’s optimistic or pessimistic…
At first glance, it seems very optimistic: keep trying and fighting to reach your goals, whatever they are. Its meaning is similar to the phrase ”the chase is better than the catch”. But the final lyrics of the poem make me think of it as pessimistic and a little bit ironic:
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.
These lyrics are implying that it was all for nothing, that every effort was fruitless and meaningless. And that’s why I can’t decide… I might say that the interpretation of Cavafy’s poem depends on someone’s views on life…