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I have been staring at the ceiling for hours. Why am I here? How much longer must I endure the misery. Does it ever stop? No. Does it ever slow down? No. It never stops. EVER.
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Im never gonna escape the self destruct area because it IS ME. I feel I am slowly and subconsciously destroying my relationship with my mom. I never wanna talk anymore. Talking to people annoys me. Im failing all my classes and my mom just wants to withdraw me from school till next year. I hate high school. Its like there’s instructions in my brain to self destruct my life and I can’t stop it. Im falling towards rock bottom and and occasionally land on ledges that break my fall But its only for a moment Then the ledge crumbles out from under me.
New to broaching my mental state (this is the first and only place outside of my own head) and my question is why is the thought of and planning of kms is so much less intimidating than discussing my mental health, current difficulties and disappointment with the world with anyone real? And that’s disregarding the difficulty of the process of changing mindset and improving one’s situation after the initial step. As in I know that death must be a bigger deal than a common conversation but when it comes to it I just can’t convince myself. I’m not at risk of dying as of now […]
My friend can fall asleep in midst a second, even during our conversations and already at like 9 pm, while I lay awake in bed for hours until the birds start to sing at 4 am. I’m such a night crawler and society screws me because of it. I’d like to see the successful morning people stay up til 7 am like I do *sigh* sadly there’s nothing for me out there.
I’d like a chance to see, whether I’d be happier when living and working at night. Maybe my depression really depends on this. I’m tired all the time, I stress myself because I need […]
I don’t know what or why…what do I want, why do I do? There’s an illusion of self assurance, I’m assertive, so far high achieving but lost. Studying at a world leading university but now I flounder. Not necessarily because what I do is pointless or hard -often it seems both- but because what do I want to do in life? Medical difficulties compound the work difficulties, a perpetuating cycle of mounting stress. A look at what I enjoy…the activities and hobbies seem so unimportant but they’re still more fulfilling than the hollowness of academia or a “cog job” where I don’t really matter. Consumption […]
7 years ago I predicted that I would die at this time of this particular year.
At the time of writing this, I can safely say that I have been defeated on all fronts.
Academically and professionally I am convincingly outperformed, physically I grow fragile and weak, my eyes are blurry, my voice – quiet.
I have always enjoyed defeat. Victory is a burden. Defeat is freedom.
My dream has always been to just sleep away till eternity alone in a comfy bed, away from the pandemonium that is society and humanity.
I tried my best but alas, life isn’t for everyone […]
Three times this week, I’ve gotten emails about jobs that think I’d be a good fit and they want me to apply. Then they set up time consuming obstacles in the process. The first, a cover letter, like who REQUIRES a cover letter? If I’m such a good fit I shouldn’t have to beg.
The second, some forms. Again I almost complied, and thought “No, if they are demanding more than is reasonable NOW, what kind of employment relationship does that set up?”
The third one though, really takes the cake. They want me to take a 9 hour drive and stay overnight in another city, all […]
I just can’t.
I want my misery to end.
No one is going to save me, and I’m too sick and broken to save myself.
I was on my laptop and my algebra teacher told everyone to close their computers. I did not. he called my name and said CLOSE YOUR COMPUTER. He said aloud so the whole class could hear “this is your third warning and see class I should not have to give you 3 warnings.” uuggghh no actually you stupid fuck it was my first warning. You teach algebra for fucks sake, you should know how much 3 is. (Obviously I didn’t say that.) So I open up my computer just to finish the quiz I was working on from another class real quick. He yells at […]
I have so many missing assignments. I think im just gonna pay someone to get it done for me. I am so stressed. I have a job interview at a job where my sister works. I know I basically already have the job but I still have to do this interview. I don’t know why but I’m really nervous.
too long to type but FML, just FM shitty life
You know, I had always thought mind control would be the best superpower to have. It probably still is. Along with self-healing. Or time travelling. Or the power to see the future.
Ooh there’s new powers i’ve never heard of:
omnifabrication- the ability to invent anything.
omnimanipulation- the ability to manipulate anything and everything- time/space, objects, mind, life/death, etc. now that’s just cheating! lol
But I’m thinking the power of “luck” would be cool too. It’s a power you can’t directly control, but shit, it sure would be nice to be “lucky” for a change.
would greatly reduce my stress and anxiety over lack of money
reduce my depression from my lack of resources to go places, do things, see things, afford things
pay ppl to help me do things
afford better, healthier, and tastier food
oh yeah, and have an actual NICE place to live in instead of worrying over fucking mold/mildew/stale/rotten air
would do wonders for my depression.
and my health.
who says money doesn’t buy happiness or help depression?
fuck yeah it’d help me. LOTS.
you notice how the people who always say “money doesn’t buy happiness” never give it away.
funny how that is eh?
who would you be? could be from any movie, tv show, anime, cartoon, etc.
Isn’t it something that you can say something is a metaphor and most people will take it as is, rather than discussing how accurate it is, probably part of why I’m so lonely. I’m big on metaphor, which is more direct than I feel like I should be. Last therapist and I worked on that word a lot “should”… but we never got around to why the way it shouldn’t be… if that makes sense. Even my wife sometimes needs me to explain the meaning of words I use…. how’s that for solitude?
Grant, it is theoretically more alone to not have someone….. but it’s a […]
Before I rant I’m just gonna give a brief backstory because why the fuck not :). [So long story short me and my sister suffered a lot of mental and some physical abuse from my Dad and when I was 12 a restraining order between us and him was put in place, which he didn’t try to even fight because he doesn’t care (I haven’t seen him since)].
Anyways So my aunt died a couple weeks ago. (Aunt = Dads brothers wife) I didn’t have a close relationship with her mainly because I don’t remember her before she had a stroke and brain aneurysm and lost […]
cuz i sure am
it has been 8 months since i last saw him, i cant remember the last time we spoke and its my fault for ignoring him. things were never meant to be this way and it is selfish of me to want but i wish thinsg were how they used to be. iam so scared of losing him and i really love my dad and i always have even if hes not a great guy to everyone else he was to me and i miss him so much but seeing him now is different to what we used to have things wont ever be the same […]
What a waste to live life having depression 90% of your life. Years and decades go by and you’re miserable af. Severe depression is so debilitating. And no one understands. We’re just labeled as “lazy” and shunned by society.
I have all these thoughts that come to me day after day, but when I get here to write them down, they seem to slip away. I still don’t know if I’m going to quit my Masters or stick with it. I’ve been looking up jobs in my spare time. I forgot why I choose to continue my education and run away from joining the workforce. Then I see the job postings and I remember again. It seems like I’d be worthless as a masters student or as a regular engineer. I can’t do anything. I’m totally worthless. […]