General

always being depressed and feeling like shit. It’s been 40+ years of this shit and no, things don’t “get better.” It’s only gotten worse over the years and decades. What is the point of going on if this continues to be the present and future? The only thing stopping me is not having a way out. I don’t know any fool-proof guaranteed way that is quick and painless. Everything has it’s caveats and flaws, and when it comes to actually committing it, I can’t risk it failing bc life could be MUCH much worse if you fail and do […]

they were shot by a random bad guy?

Like imagining you went to the bank or store, and some random bad person is there, holding up the bank or store or restaurant with a gun, and you’re like, “ok, shoot me and put me out of my misery.”

I wouldn’t want to suffer and be bludgeoned to death or anything. It’s a very specific fantasy about being shot (1 shot, quick and fatal) without me having to suicide.

I have these thoughts ALL the time.

Too afraid of using a gun on myself bc I hear of so many stories of how ppl survive and are fucked up […]

I am all alone in this world. No one understands me. No one cares about me.

I need love but do not have any.
I need compassion and understanding but do not have any.
I do not have friends. I do not have S.O., I do not have family that gives a shit about me.
I need physical help but do not have any.
I need better health but I’m just wasting away and getting worse.

My head hurts
My body hurts
My heart hurts.
I want it all to end.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

I am […]

I am fucking up my life bc I’m too depressed to take care of things and do the stuff I need to do.

To put it simply, I feel lost. I feel disconnected from the world I’m in and the people around me. Even from people I would call my closest friends. As selfish as it sounds, it makes me sad that I’m not a bigger part of someone’s life. And it hurts, it really hurts me. I feel like I was too slow to keep up with everyone I care about, and that I’ve been left behind.

The way I see things, I don’t really have a use for anyone anymore. I’ve spent so long identifying myself by being able to serve the needs of people I care […]

I feel so alone. I have no one I can talk to and I pretend like everything is okay but it’s not and I hate admitting this. But the worst part about all of this is that every time I make a new friend or find someone who could’ve been more, I always end up losing their contact info. This has happened 9 times over the past 8 years. I either lose the piece of paper they write their number/email on or I lose or break my phone. These are people that I just clicked with so perfectly. It feels like a curse. No matter […]

I waited too long to eat my dinner, and I got really weak and tired, fell asleep. Woke up, had a small bite of a chicken nugget and threw up everything I’ve eaten today. I knew I was getting hungry but I waited anyway, I feel like I deserved to feel that way. It hurts. My brain hurts me more though. I didnt eat a whole lot yesterday either. I dont really deserve to. I’m too privileged, too much of a piece of shit to really deserve anything. I still feel really weak. I need to eat more but I genuinely dont think I can. […]

k, things adjusted back the other way, and I feel relatively “normal” for me.

First, completely goobered the job fair sitch. I didn’t have the energy to push my wife to come with me, and then I was so wrecked I didn’t go either. She needs her resume, but we got in a sort of argument/discussion about how she really doesn’t know what she wants to do or who she is. I suggested therapy and meds, and she didn’t like those options. After all, they aren’t exactly “working” for me. IDK, I guess I’m still committed enough to going through the motions…. I’m trying. It doesn’t […]

So apparently Ted Bundy worked at a suicide hotline when he was a psych major in college. Imagine calling a suicide hotline and getting a serial killer on the other end of the line?

Everyone tells you to call one of those places when you’re depressed. But you ever wonder who you are talking to when you call one of these places? No one ever thinks of WHO is on the other end of the line.

The ONE and ONLY time I ever called the suicide hotline, (I was depressed but NOT suicidal) the lady on the other end of the line managed […]

Which one are you?
Me: #3 SUS!

It’s not that I don’t wanna or that I’m scared. It’s not that I can’t. I just have finish to attend to first.

I was born far away from here, and all my life I have known nothing but pain. I was different from other kids, I know now as a grown up Im somewhere in the spectrum.
My mother was a Junkie, my father was a drunk.
His best friend raped me, she ran away with him.
You think coming to America from a third world country would mean my life improved, but tbh, at least as a kid I had family I […]

I’m so tired today. And overwhelmed. I just need a break. Maybe I could play sick? Idk. Seeing as I was always forced to go to school and do things anyway, and would get in trouble on top of that, I’m not sure how well it would work. But maybe it’s worth a shot. I cant stand this shit.

I just want to go home. It’s not been a good day so far. I’ve been forcing myself not to cry for half the day, because I’ve been around elementary kids for one of my classes and that would’ve been embarrassing. Not that high school is much […]

First I want to recommend a game I’ve been playing that is amazing in how good it is at relaxing me. It’s called Dorfromantic and it’s on Steam. It was marketed to me as a puzzle game, which it is, but you’re putting together a landscape and how you do it changes every time. You complete certain goals, you get more tiles.

Anyway the dark side of that is that I’ve lost about five hours today playing it. I can barely remember…. it’s legit lost time. Is that a bad thing? I’ve also been wondering if there are diminishing returns on escapism, like there are only […]

So I’ve spent the past couple of days finishing my byebye notes, (I don’t like the word suicide) but anyways, I know I won’t be ready for a little bit, you know? Do you guys thinks its bad for me to do that? I know bads not a good word for it, but I’m not sure how else to say it.

I’m not any better. I don’t know what I am anymore, other than exhausted in every way possible. And a pathetic little child. I need to realize I was probably a burden on my parents from what little I can remember, and that I’m no better now, for anyone. I’ve always been a selfish horrible pathetic little brat, havent I? I just couldn’t listen, I just needed to be talked to even though everyone was going through a hard time. All because I felt alone. I don’t know why I dont just end it now. I’m no better now. I keep my mouth shut for […]

I want not to feel this anymore. What is this? An insanely messy and conflicting mesh of things. In no particular order…

Fear: I’m afraid that I am completely unacceptable to other people, and will never be acceptable, no matter what I do in future. I have done unforgivable things, and want to do even more unforgivable things, and if anyone ever finds out, I will face violence & rejection. And if no one ever finds out, I’ll just be alone. Even if I’m with someone. Alone with the knowledge of what I’ve done, and what I still want to do.
Longing/Craving: Sometimes for healthy/good things. Sometimes for […]

What would you do if you found:
1- $10?
2- $100?
3- $1000?
4- $10,000?
5- $100,000?
6- $1,000,000?
7- $10,000,000?
(let’s say it’s not anyone’s lost money or any mafia money, so it’s ok to keep it or use it)

8- and would you still be depressed af if you had 1M or 10M?

Just got my desktop to work again, though it’s not at 100%, but the point is I’m starting to feel a bit less disconnected, that sort of scared that I might have to do without long term.

it’s like I always say; little steps. Make a bit of progress, be satisfied with it. The second part is the one I’m still working on