General

Just another debate

Just another book

Just another half an hour of agony every day

Pain is just a feeling

Just a thought

I loved to learn when I was young

Yet I was not a student of duty

The trees and the sun do not demand to live rent free in my head

I do not want to love knowledge as it’s slave

How is that love?

And yet I have started to argue that I really must, in some small part of me, want that kind of love

What is it to want? I must know, just one more question, one more book, one more day of crying my eyes out begging the universe […]

Never think ill go back to this site
I dont know what to do anymore
I just getting better until my parents said we cant have a dog in the house anymore

My dog is the only reason i started to feel like my day isnt going so bad
My dog is my friends my boyfriend my son my everything
The only reason i wake up and start to do my activity
He always waking me up with his cute voice and small lick
He knows when my day going badly and sit beside me watching me crying
He comes to me for snack cuddle or […]

Just find it

Just find it

Just find it

Is the only sentence that echoes

Down these halls

No rest for the wicked

How dare those who will not submit, those who will distract and pretend on their own terms even breathe

How dare you lie if not for others

But how dare you succumb to the pressure to pretend to pretend for others just   so you can have peace from the vice of pressure in your head

Wave the white flag and not see that you are not just a liar, but the queen of liars

Nobody ever says these things

Even this construct in your head is a lie

And who said you are to […]

I’m really tired.

I’m not sure what to do, but I’m trying at least. I genuinely am. I know in the end I’m an ungrateful asshole because of how I feel and how I am, despite what I have. I heard my mom and stepdad talking about how good of kids we all are, and I felt shitty because I’m not as good as they believe me to be, I’m not even sure how they came to that really. I do try to be as good as I can… I don’t always do very good, but sometimes I do. I’m trying to improve and stop being this stupid […]

I tried to get the damn SN ITS NOT MY F*CKING FAULT!!!!! I know I’m going to have to off myself in a painful and excruciatingly painful way I just want to go dammit why do they have to heap guilt on people sometimes going above and beyond is just too much and we just need to bloody well die!!

Hey there….

I planned to kms tonight…

i already planned everything ….

goodbye

It seems I might just accidentally my way into grad school. Didn’t know that was how it worked, but the school is putting in most of the effort. If I don’t get it, I’m supremely okay with that, or at least so I tell myself. I’ll probably feel devalued and betrayed, that’s the usual thing when I tell myself I don’t care.

I’m trying not to care.

Then I had a promising interview with a job….. and my knee jerk reaction is to think about how great things would be if I got it….. Yet again, caring hurts. I’m trying to insulate myself out; organizing my closet, […]

Acouple of hours ago I had a crazy idea. I took a penknife and tried cutting myself but the pain woke me up and I stopped. Why is it painful to cut myself up. Maybe I didn’t have the courage to end myself. Again, cowardice got the best of me.

Looks like my second attempt ended in failure. Sure enough I am still searching for a painless death. For I am such a coward to even die.

Life is meaningless yet I’m scared of pain.

Maybe it’s not death that I wanted, maybe I’m just seeking for attention or maybe validation.

I’ve been thinking of death all night. But painful ones are scary and painless ones are so hard to find. When I think of suicide by hanging, choking or jumping off, I’ll pee in my pants.
I’m a coward who wants to die.
I know I’m not depressed, I just feel like there is no longer a meaning in life.
When I think of death, I’ll think of my son. Will he be okay if I die? But he is 17 and staying with my mom. So what is there to think of?
Is me wanting death, is just me seeking for attention? […]

I wish I was a good as she thinks I am. I worried about them and stressed out about everything. I’m hungry but I can’t let myself eat. I’d probably just puke it back up anyway. Shes the only reason I’m alive rn. Theres stuff going on in their life that makes me worry about them in turn. They’re already asleep, and I’m not gonna bother them. I’m overwhelmed with a lot right now. It’d be so much easier to just sink into this bed never to come out again, but it isnt like that. Life isnt fair, but it’s something I gotta get over […]

I’m tired and it’ll only get worse from here. I need a few days off, to myself. A few days of sobriety, and of not having to say a word to anyone else.

Hi guys,
I want to kms as quickly as possible. I know the lean hanging method is painless but it takes way too long. It gives me long enough time to abort the mission(lol).
Fyi I don’t have a gun.
If you’re not allowed to answer here then could you share a forum which allows such things?

Have a nice life.

I’m terrified that all I truly do is ruin peoples lives. Like their mood, outlook, future, whatever. Just anything. I’m really worried about her too (she uses any pronouns now) and I’m scared that I’ve been in too shitty of a mood and even if I try to keep it light she gets worried and I’m scared that I make them sad… I guess that I could be overthinking it, but it’s not like I could ask because 1. they would deny it and 2. it could possibly make them feel worse by making her feel like the scum of the earth. Nope- that’s just […]

It’s so hard to find the motivation to do anything. Realistically, even if I work my ass off and do everything right in pursuing a goal, I know it’s never going to be what I want it to be. There might still be things that are worth doing in life, that are meaningful. But it’s never going to be satisfying. There are always going to be fundamental parts of me that go unfulfilled. And I don’t know how to stop fixating on them. Whenever something reminds me of them it triggers my mind into this loop of longing, regret, and despair. And then nothing that […]

I hate the quiet. When the whole house is asleep and I’m left awake with only my thoughts. I hate my thoughts the most. During the day I can ignore them and keep the flashbacks and memories at bay. At night there’s no escaping it.

The doctors have been giving me meds for almost two decades. Eventually they wear off and loose effectiveness. I end up feeling like I’m spinning again. Out of control. I’m tired of it. I just want to turn it off. I can’t live like this forever. I can’t live like this much longer. I want to cancel my subscription to life.

I’m going to a doctor for my concentration issues, and I have been thinking about if I should tell them about everything else like me being depressed and shit and I am still thinking about it, or should I just tell them about my concentration problems and stuff but that’s all for today and I’m feeling a bit more shitty because my girlfriend thinks I am losing feelings/am embarrassed of her which I am not and I have told her many times and idk what to do about that but that is all for today.