General

A while back, I wrote about the meaning of friends…I said they were worthless, unneeded, unnecessary.

When my birthday came around, I had a friend make me a homemade card, we celebrated, I was happy. That’s why friends are important. They take your mind away from the things that trouble you. Friends care about you and they show it with not just words, but actions. While I was in school with summer nearing, I feared we would forget about each other, just like all the others. But I was thrilled to find out that they had planned a sleepover and I was invited. […]

i’m not scared of dying. i’m scared of surviving the attempt.

I haven’t seen my grandma in forever. Recently I got in contact with some more members of my family.
She will be visiting in another town nearby to me soon. I can only afford the bus fare and not much else. She is rich and I don’t want to embarass myself in front of her because I’m so poor. Now she’ll probably think I’m an asshole for not meeting up.

I can’t afford to go out to eat at a restaurant, let alone an expensive one. Nor can I afford to throw money around…
I wonder if I should’ve just fibbed before she is about […]

The only way I want to leave this world is by suicide. Not soon, I still have things I want to do. I have life goals and a plan with my longterm boyfriend. Death takes up so much time in my mind. Any inconvenience is the end of the world or might as well be. I don’t want to die of old age, feeling my body get old and slowly give out, its not the way I want to go. I have spent my whole life surviving, I want to be dead before things get worse with no hope to be better. In a way […]

Apparently all I really needed to clear my sinuses was an eight hour day hanging pipe in a future craft store. Upshot, we got the A/C on today, so the work area is somewhat liveable. The humidity is still awful, but after a few days that should let up.

I feel remarkably dead inside. I came out of my near coma to realize that my current work is repetitive and silly, but I also can’t think of anything better to do. To be clear; I could think of plenty of better things to do, but they all cost money. I can’t think of anything better to […]

*T/W*

*Background: You come from a very religious and cultural family, who are nothing more than narrow-minded people. You’re the oldest child, a first-generation American, and a female. Your parents are emotionally immature and don’t know how to handle their emotions well. Your father has anger issues and isn’t afraid to get violent. Your mother has a problem not knowing when to shut up. You have a passive-aggressive relationship with them. On the outside though, you’re living the perfect life. You are the perfect A+ student, valedictorian of your grade, and winning many awards. You are a part of the popular kids, the crowd following you. […]

It would be nice to die in my sleep tonight. If it was that easy. This world is pure evil but I’m better than that am I not? Hmmm so why the f..k am I here? To become a victim or to become a monster?
Just wondering…
One of the reasons I feel like dying is because I never get along with other people

Is it only humans, or every thing that is?

In Buddhist thought, the nature of existence is suffering/unsatisfactoriness. So it is we always move toward the desirable, away from the undesirable, being born again and again in a variety of incarnations until we finally are able to transcend the wheel of misery through nirvana. That is literally the goal of the religion: gtfo’ing from reality. I still don’t know whether that is super morbid, or super on the nose. Catch, though, is you can’t just kill yourself, because you’ll just be reborn as some other thing. See, there’s the whole superstitious “karma” mumbo-jumbo that’s never really […]

Too afraid to die,

Too afraid to live.

sick, my body is sick to the point that I’m somewhat detached from the normal world. It feels like I might die, and that’s a promising thought. Anyway, I’m not me right now, not sure who I am, whoever keeps the lights on until the old ticker shuts off.

Every time I think I’m getting better, I get more dizzy, more confused…. one part thinks it will be over sooner or later, the other part wonders why my biology would be so kind.

Sleep is the fast forward button of life, and I haven’t slept like this in years. Wouldn’t be surprised to wake up ancient and […]

A little sad…upset…
This heavy chest…this feeling of being a prisoner…
F..k this…all of it…

hey heres an update: I am not commiting suicide at this time. I have decided that my method is a little difficult to pull off, especially as I live with other people. I may make another plan in the future, not completely sure when or how though.

also I’m surprised on how many people commented. I appreciate that. Thanks.

I remember making this account maybe 7 years ago in my twenties. i feel so old and I am still just as lonely as I was back then.

I wish I had then let go and died when I was on the edge. i wish it so bad.  I really need to start seriously working on a plan out. It is just so hard because I don’t really want death, but I can’t live like this either.

why did i end up like this? why did nobody want me? i was so hopeful about the future as a child, i still remember. how stupid.

Why am I even […]

So I was looking into other cultures’ and time periods’ perspectives of suicide (spoiler: not universally demonized) and in my readings learned through Schopenhauer that my undergrad fave David Hume wrote an essay refuting his society’s condemnation of the act – which was suppressed for quite some time, it would seem. I thought some salient points would be worth sharing here, though I really recommend the actual essay itself.

First, if you’re of the religious ilk, he argues that killing yourself is no more going against the divine will or whatever than doing literally anything else. “God” fashioned the entire universe, any and everything that happens […]

hello everyone!

I have found a suicide method. It seems to be mostly successful. The only problem is being found too early. It could leave me with permanent brain damage so I’ll need to have a very detailed plan.

The other parts of my death are pretty easy. I don’t really want to write a suicide note. I don’t have much money or whatever to write into my will. All I need are a few household items and maybe some soap. I don’t like being too melodramatic so I kept it simple.

It’s almost funny how hard it is […]

i will not forgive him out of your convince. you’re my mother and you’ve been with me every step of my life, and i’ve told you the things that man has done to me. you simply don’t care, you just want us to be a “happy family” again. why do i have to be silenced? why do you leave me alone with this horrible excuse of a human being? why do you defend him?

when i told you i wanted to die, you told me you wouldn’t care if i killed myself. now you just deny saying that in the first place whenever i bring it […]

Everyone has good intentions when it comes to helping others. They try to help. They offer words of comfort like:
Your stronger than you know.
Things will get better.
You can get through this.
(Personal favorite) Think about your children.
What if people are thinking of their children when they decide to exit.
What if the last bit of strength they have is used doing one selfish act that will free them yet help the ones they love the most. Yes, it will hurt them – there is no doubt in my mind that suicide leaves a hole in a person’s heart that can […]