General

Working together with close friends is paying off so much. It’s nice to have someone by my side through all of this hell. I miss standing in the ocean and being knocked over by the current, for some reason, it’s our favorite thing. It’s delusional to think it only takes 10 minutes to push us a mile down the shoreline. But we miss it. We miss the taste of fresh lobster. The taste of salt water and how it burns and feels adventurous.

I remember some times you would be doing something and you wouldnt be able to answer me right away for whatever reason. and id panic….. youre doing something better. youre not going to come back. you hate me.
for…..no reason except you didnt message me back right away…
which makes me feel needy, which makes me hate myself

it always leads back to self hate, doesnt it?

Looking back it was almost like I was born to be mistreated.

There was a girl who would step on the heel of my shoes every morning during the assembly; or just any time the class stood in a line. This went on for one or two years, and I just let it happen. I didn’t like it, having the heel of my foot rub against the grainy sole of her shoe. The feeling of my sneaker flopping up and down, I would step my heel back into the shoe and just like everything in my life, a pattern, a loop, she steps on it […]

the cause of my current disappointment is a minor, most stupid issue. I’m not gonna mention what happened because I know people could be judgmental; even in a wordpress such as this.

Anyway, yes. Life is not worth living through. You don’t get the things you work so hard for. You don’t deserve them because you fucked up in any way you did. Everyone saying you’ll get things accordingly to your hard work are lying through their teeth. Or very much annoyingly privileged. Being in debt is your fault. Not being able to live right is your fault too and I’m so annoyed with myself […]

really says it all, it’s always promises they can’t keep with other people. I try to be true to my word, and fail consistently when I depend on others.

My last good therapist got promoted, and I tried to be glad for her, she recommended me to a new lady, who did two sessions with me, then today I found out my insurance won’t cover her, so given that those two sessions were about getting to know me, I’ve been wasting my time. Now I have to wait until the 28th to get another initial session, which I plan to open with; “Are you sure you’re […]

I can feel myself unraveling. Again and again. It’s always a sequence of unraveling, getting up, and re-raveling yourself. Over and over and over again. I don’t think I’m going to graduate. I don’t think I deserve to graduate. I don’t know what I am supposed to be. I have no passion or desire. All I do as sit down and complain. I think that’s why I try so hard to get close to her. To try and derive happiness from someone else instead of myself. That’s not how that’s supposed to work. I […]

I suppose the mind plays tricks to distract you from the harder shit in life, i don’t even know what shit it will pull tomorrow. “stoopid brain!” *slaps it

When I was younger, 13ish, my “father” said it was my fault that people didn’t hangout with me. He said it was my fault my cousins father didn’t want her hanging out with me….

i just want out. i need out. this agony has me chained and i don’t see any way to escape without dying in the process. a few days ago i felt a little hope that i would make it but that got ripped up. i can’t move. can’t do anything. can’t show up anywhere. i just need everything to go away

I feel ok. Like there’s a little light to follow in the far distance. I’m not sobbing or anxiety riddled, and that’s all it was last summer….Perhaps this new approach is paying off…
and you know, I just, wasted so much time trying to understand what happened…
I hated seeing in black and white, and ruminating over it. I hated her. I hated them.
I couldn’t help it, either. It’s just how this works, I guess.

Most of the time I live in a self-contained bubble of distraction. I avoid my negative feelings by consuming a constant stream of media. But when I have to be around people I’m forced to face how I really feel, and I don’t know how to cope with it.

Emotional suffering is strange – I want to say that it hurts, but if you asked me what the pain was like, I wouldn’t know what to tell you. It’s hard to articulate what the distress consists of. I suppose a series of encounters triggers parts of my brain that I mostly try to suppress, and […]

“God is not on our side because he hates idiots”

-The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Ah, the hotline. The stupid number everyone sends you when you say you’re suicidal. Is it really helpful tho? How on earth could they help me through the phone? By the way, how do the conversations look like, do they say generic stuff like “you’re not alone” or something? If they were helpful for you, could you share a story maybe? I just want to know how it’s like, I’m too scared to actually call now so I need some heads up to what I should actually expect. Thanks in advance.

I’m just too young man! I should be enjoying life like others but I can’t. I’ve become so overly philosophical it has kinda ruined me, I don’t see the point in any action I do, partially because of this. Another thing are my stupid illnesses not letting me live properly tbh. SPD and OCD ruined my childhood now misophonia is ruining my “golden days”. It really is a struggle when you can’t talk to anyone because you get mad when they fucking breathe. It’s so tiring. It’s so so awful. I have nobody because of the way I act, I’m so unfriendly to everybody, I […]

i should have been doing something enjoyable for the past 2hrs with my SO….instead ive been getting high and drunk and havent said a word….
i ruin everything….

i think “i dont feel so good” means its time to put it down…. my head, my chest..i dont feel good. my SO went to bed, i wonder if ill message him tomorrow or if ill stay in this shell.. i cant tell him about my drinking, he worries enough. and i just make it worse….

“sometimes it just bounces off you”
should i even bother still mentioning things if its pointless??

“what doesnt kill you makes you stronger”
what they dont mention is whether or not that wound is still open. if its healed then yeah your stronger, but if youre constantly struggling all youre doing is keeping your head above water as the weight gets heavier. the wound isnt closed and is just reopening/getting worse. going through things doesnt always makes you stronger….

maybe if I can get better at noticing the little victories

I revamped my resume for a job that has been chasing me. I’m super apathetic about it, but it’s nice to be chased. Then today I got an email that they want a second interview, awesome. My dad tossed me some cash, we got some nice stuff for V-day, and my wife got the information on a local banks recruiting. This means that for the first time in four years, my wife and I both have active potential job prospects.

I also got my meds ahead of schedule, which is one less thing to worry about… […]