General

Just a sample of why I don’t relate to other people, because there are things I think about I’d be ashamed to talk about almost anywhere else. Here though, you guys know the many ways I want to die…. and kill people… so my insane fantasies isn’t a big jump.

I was thinking about leaving today, and it really is just the climate and the city I want away from.

I thought what if I could pick up my house and haul it up to Michigan and set it down on a new basement?

It’s just…… I’m having enough trouble trying to get myself out of here.

Now I’ve […]

Anyone familiar with the Island of Misfit Toys? I’ve always felt like one. The anti-social ones have always been treated as the weird/odd ones.

But maybe it’s the rest of the world that’s crazy- humming along like a machine run on slave/peasant/min wage labor. Maybe the rest of us just can’t seem to “fit in” amongst all the cogs in the wheel bc we don’t want to be cogs.

Maybe some of us have taken the red pill and can’t unsee the shit that’s our lives and our prospects as just another cog in the wheel, as a chronically poor or “just barely making […]

Do you even trust published data anymore? Until Covid, there were NO studies showing a realistic # of how many unhappy Americans were. All the studies showed 70%-90% of ppl being “happy” with only a small tiny fraction listed as “depressed/very unhappy with life.” Even after Covid, now, most studies STILL show ~71% of people being very or rather happy with life. Which…I don’t believe. Definitely NOT 71% happy in the USA.

The data would have you believe that the vast majority of ppl are happy with their lives, which is just NOT true. Just given the income data- where […]

If it’s alright, I will try to post poems every day. I write poems based on my feelings and experiences; it does help me make sense of all of it. If you don’t like any of my poems, that’s fine, you don’t need to read them or to comment on my post’s.

I didn’t watch the first video in this series, and now I don’t think I’m going to. It’s a three part series about these guys building a truck to ride abandoned rails, it’s the kind of thing I’d do. I was waiting for this, I wanted to see how it ended because I’ve rode bike trails following old abandoned rail lines. I knew they wouldn’t drop at where they left the last video, but I’m not sure if this is any better.

They don’t say if that bridge at the end is the bridge, if it was that would be kind of satisfying. It bugs me […]

I felt the need to do a “recon mission” last week to a fairly remote place I really enjoy, a place that may be my last place someday. It’s very far from where I live, so I spent a few days there. I arrived in the evening, so I got an early start the next day, as it’s a 5 mile hike to a particular spot I wanted to check out (the general area is large with very few visitors). After hanging out for a while, I started back down the trail to the little town I was staying in, and suddenly a raven flies […]

I’m 18 now and I hate how everyone just expects me to know what I want to do with my life. My cousin the same age as me and is always talking about doing architecture and going to college. I’m so jealous of her because I have no ambition there is nothing I want to do I don’t see a future for myself and I never have. I got kicked out by my moms husband, quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend and now am living in my grandmothers house talking to my ex and just staying In bed all day I don’t have […]

their life will get drastically better and they won’t be depressed anymore? Maybe the young ones have hope. But for people >40…?

who would it be and why? Could be a real or fictional character.

Warning, oh my gosh the trigger warnings, I’m going to post some graphic and awful stuff in this post. TO keeep that off the main page, I’m going to cleanse the top of this post with a video of a puppy.

Handguns are not very good guns to begin with. Their range of effectiveness is relatively close range, and frankly to me I’ve always thought a knife would do a better job most of the time. People are more frightened of knives, and knives never misfire. Knives don’t need ammo, nor do they misfire and hurt people you don’t intend. It’s just part of the West […]

I’m so unbelievably fucked in the head. Emotionally, in terms of my desires. When I’m honest with myself about what I really want, it’s the darkest fucking shit.

And it’s not like I’m going to do any of it. Most of it is next to impossible even if I had the consistent motivation.

But it leaves me feeling so fucking alienated from other people. From society, humanity, my family, who I used to be.

There is this part of me that just wants to use and exploit people. That isn’t capable of love, or trust, or even friendship. That would happily wipe out or enslave every other creature […]

It was a tough morning. One of my kids needed something and I drove 50 miles to take it to them. Trying to help out. Bought lunch. Ended with being yelled at–again.

Driving home, I was pleading to God to bring someone who gave a damn that I exist, across my path. I stopped at a Circle-K on the way home. A random woman walking out of the store actually engaged me in a polite greeting.

My wife passed 11 years ago. All of our friends have abandoned me, because I am the third wheel. There are so few social events where one […]

Hi. This is my first time on here. I just need a place to go to let out everything.
My mom loves me. I love her. She always calls me beautiful and lately I’ve been going to her when i feel depressed. Today i overheard her telling her boyfriend that she hates me. She was talking about how i hate her (because im mean to her when shes drunk and shes ALWAYS drunk) and she started talking shit really loud. I hid under my sheets and cried so hard because i thought she loved me. Ive never felt suicidal before. Ive never wanted to kill […]

If i had a gun I’d shoot myself to die and let my relatives see me because they made me do this

I was on the road early. I don’t relish the idea of chasing weed too close to Paddy’s day. Christmas, Easter, bank holidays etc, it is always better to procure your pot early.  Nothing puts a dampener in my day like inferior quality weed, the last bit I had was just not quite right, this can happen, it’s rare but happens, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he’s got a lot on his plate right now, I had voiced my dissatisfaction with the weed and insisted on the best of the best next time.  When it comes to illicit substances don’t think about […]

Can’t say anything’s changed. I don’t know if I know how to be okay or not. I’m falling into habits again, as I always seem to when I know someone and they’re around long enough. Its ridiculous and it’s something I’m very frustrated about. It’s like I’ve not even changed at all. I’m the same parasite I always was. I dont know how to like- not be? But I’ve decided if me feeling ok requires dragging others down, I’ll pass. Because that’s just not ok, obviously. This shit needs to stop. Hell, it’s part of why I used this place as frequently as I did/do.

I […]

Therapy happened today, and it came down to that I’m never really happy unless I’m neck deep in the utter horror of the awful things happening around me. I don’t know how to make anyone other than another mental health worker understand. Well, cops and medical workers seem to get it also. So my therapist helped me find a way to apply for a job in crisis response.

It involved talking to a company that….. I have a lot of doubts about. I feel like an addict in need of a fix. Because this company can connect me with local cops, I can be on the […]

My mentor from my internship this past summer said he wouldn’t write a letter of recommendation for my PhD application. He said I wasn’t ready from what he saw. Someone finally said it. No bs. Maybe a little bs. He did say maybe in a few years after I worked in the private sector a bit I might be ready. Probably just to soften the blow. But someone finally said I couldn’t do it. No carefully chosen words, no false niceties, no lies. I respect him for it. Still going to apply. Because I […]

No more pain. No more fear. No more regret, longing, shame, self-hatred or despair. Freedom. That’s the yearning that brings me back here.

It seems unlikely that would be the reality. Freedom is experienced. What I really want is to experience existence, free of all these negatives that make it seem unbearable. Whereas death seems likely to involve either the end of existence, or the end of any kind of self that I could identify with.

So death would not bring freedom. But it would likely bring an end, And that sometimes seems appealing to a delusional part of me. Because the pain seems unbearable, and intolerable. […]

What will be left of me when I’m gone? I know no one cares. I am but a scream in the void, and will be missed about as much.

It irritates me when I find a talented author, and they have but one work. Such is the case with the book I’m reading right now, Sins of the Flesh by Don Davis. There are multiple men named Don Davis and none of them ever wrote anything resembling this book ever again. This book was released 36 years ago. A distant scream in the void. He released it, I think with his son Jay Davis who also […]