General

Its mad confusion. It suffocates, it drowns me, and it is out of control. This weekend was one of the most amazing weekends of my life but now im left sinking in confusion… So here’s how it went.

Firstly, I am a Christian. And yes im suicidal.

Secondly, I am a cutter. I have scars all over my body. this last week I had been cutting my entire arms up. I stopped eating and when I had to eat I would puke it up. It started when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. Then my ex-boyfriend told me “you aren’t suicidal, you just seek attention” then he […]

i dont think about the people that i love or the people that love me.

i dont think about the things i did today or that i will do tomorrow.

i dont think about the homework that i forgot to do.

i dont think about what i will dream tonight..

i only think about if tonight is the night i want to end it all…

i guess that makes me kind of messed up.

Seriously, will this pain go away? When will the poison that invaded my mind disappear?

I have constant flashbacks of when I almost killed myself, and the events leading up to it. I can’t sleep, and my appetite has decreased. I don’t get it. Things were finally looking up, and I thought I had made it, and that I was free.

I couldn’t be more wrong. I still feel all the pain, and I don’t get it.

I read everyone’s posts, and I tell myself that I have no reason to feel this way, but no matter how much I beat myself about how great my life is, […]

I hate my life. I cannot explain it any further than those 4 little words. I. Hate. My. Life. There was a time when I was happy. But that seems ages ago. Maybe years.

How did it come to this? I’m not sure. I think it snuck up on me slowly, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. A compilation of ugly time weaving ever so slowly into my body. Taking root like a cancer.

Sometimes, like now, I wish I were dead. It would be so much easier. For all. This is a […]

I have complete hate for the people of the world. I can see through most people’s heads and their thoughts. People who talk to you nicely while at the same time you can see that it’s all a ruse. It’s a gift given to a sensitive person like me and it drives me crazy.
Putting on headphones, blocking out all other sounds made by these humands takes me to my blissful place where i constantly feel a slight Eurphoria while there.
I’m 25, successful, make 3 times more money than the average family man makes in my country, but lack happiness due to my ability […]

So here I am waiting for DMV to send me a lost title so I can sell my bike…in the meantime I can’t quite make up my mind!

Hang myself at the park or backflip off the bridge.

What would you choose? And why?

…I’m kinda leanin toward partial suspension hanging. In my tests it wasn’t too uncomfortable.

I have never talked much about my ongoing desire to commit suicide but it is always there.  I feel like I have constant struggle in my life.  Struggle to deal with a painful aging body, lack of money and financial debt that seems hopeless, shingles in my eye that won’t go away,  my dog is dying of lymphoma, no energy, partner and I have been hiv+ for almost 3 years and together for 20.  I’m a hair stylist and need to be “on” in front of my clients and other stylists I work with, like everything is fine.  All I want to do is cry, […]

New here…first attempt was at 14 with several handfuls off aspirin.  After an afternoon of feeling like I was going to have my head split in two whenever I moved, mom arrived home  and told me that it “served me right”, even though I told her that I just didn’t feel good about anything and probably shouldn’t be alive.  Second attempt(s) weren’t much later, cutting myself with scissors.  I don’t think these were serious attempts, just an effort to make something feel better…you know, a little pain sometimes makes the good times seem better.  Descended into the trap of alcohol and sex to try to […]

ms 3

my heart hurts. i think its getting progressively worse each day. little by little. how much can i take before i break? will i last to the end? i feel left out. usually it doesn’t bother me but when it involves you i cant stand it. im sorry. im trying hard to be strong just like you said. just believe that i am and everything will be ok. maybe i’ll get lost behind that strong mask and actually become strong for a moment. who knows? i cant tell you whats wrong because it’ll depress you and ruin your day. you don’t need my crap […]

And Chloe and I watched as they drove away. A Girl and her dog. A feeling commonly felt in our hearts and a feeling shared between us. The feeling of goodbye. This feeling has no favorites from race, gender or species. But Chloe differed from me, unlike myself, she was brave enough to cry.

if music had a music form then the trees and hills would be staves all that was would make much more sens life would flow the staves and ther would be no time sinicher no set tempo nothing that the lernid man sets out after the years i spent trying to “lern and studey” music it all seems pont less now that i know music has no way of beeing i cant wight a song and put it in a catagorey cos its not abel to its what you think it is there are some people who will inevetably disagrey and say well music is […]

You look at a crowd of people.
You see one girl.
You walk up to her.
The word whore comes out of your mouth.
You laugh. Your friends laugh.
She frowns.
You walk away
Happy with who you chose.
Everyday.
You said a new word to her.
Fat
Ugly
Worthless.
And each time
You laughed.
One day
She isn’t in the hallway
She isn’t anywhere in sight.
You frown today.
Because your target isn’t here.
After lunch.
Everyone is called to the gym
You make your way
To your friends
You all laugh
Because you all are judging her
When she isn’t even present.

So true.

I sit before the screen wanting to cut, wanting to die. Because people who pretend to be m family, or my friends, won’t stop me. Because they’d have to listen, have to care, to stop me.

things are also amazing and really suffocating at the same time. i am not nearly as suicidal now, sometimes the fleeting thought comes into my mind but its not as bad. i haven’t cut in a long time, maybe 3-6 months, or more. i have got someone that is amazing and i love unconditionally, and they love me as well,t i know the love is genuine and its there and its amazing and beautiful.i got a place in a specialist music college, i start in September.

things with the home situation still are not good, ,and worse in some ways. and within myself i still feel […]

im so terrified. what if people find out about the scars on my legs. im having so many mood swings lately. sometimes im almost pfoud of the scars and other times i want my leg to just disappear. what if every one in my class finds out. what if he finds out. i dont know if i could handle it.

Good dies,” she softly spoke to me,
“from evil we create.
Our ties mean not a thing for progress only comes from hate.”

Cries turned to apathy;
a different mental state.
The world she’d come to despise made her want to fuck with fate.

Thought it like a clean slate and so with death she made a date.
Faced with goodbyes;
she told the few she loved she’d soon be great.
“To finally be free”-
she said, “so long I’ve had to wait.”

Too long it took to realize; I pegged the smell too late.
The stench of lies revealed
that she had not been thinking straight.

She’d looked […]

ms2

im going to be good im going to be good

why?

so things will be at peace

just hold on

piece by piece

its not fair to me its not fair

im just not going to say anything