General

I am a happy girl. I work hard and my brain been lucky enough to feel good most of the time. Nothing bad has happened recently and from all rational input, my life is good and I am good.

Then I woke up one day with a random depression attack. I went from happy one minute to picturing myself jumping off the roof the next. It went away after a little while so I didn’t think much of it. Then a week later, the same thing happened but even more intensely. I was just fine. Nothing was wrong. I had a list of things to do […]

Hey

Hey

help help help

trying to breathe or something

i feel a bit light headed and hard to breathe like trying not to idk

holdling back my emotions like I’m a dam

i feel really light

and all tingly

i feel like im not here

anymore

what is this feeling?

Somewhere far away I am screaming

but here not, no I’m quiet as a mouse

quiet as a mouse

quiet as a mouse

quiet as a mouse

quiet as a mouse

quiet as a mouse

quiet as a mouse

quiet as a mouse

There are things I should probably be doing, in order to live a better life. To be a bit less miserable. But I don’t know how to bring myself to actually do them. To be less bad as a person. Because it requires confronting reality. And reality fills me with despair. It requires acknowledging the things that I’ve done, and the worse things that I want to do, and how fucked up it all is. And the fact that I will never be able to connect with another person because of that.

And recognizing all that makes me want to curl up in a ball and […]

I don’t know why I’m bothering with this, it’s so stupid.

I had a somewhat nice dinner, and there was a lot of it so there would be lots of leftovers. But somehow while putting it away in a big tupperware I managed to let it spill over the floor. It’s just some food, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

But a day later I’m still thinking about it; how it’s another thing on the list of things  I  fuck up and fail too do. Even the most basic of tasks I still mange to screw up.

I’m currently a freshman in high school and one of the things I don’t understand is why being the nice guy gets you bullied! people have been going out of their way to make fun of some videos I made 2-3 months ago on an old but now dead trend. why put in the effort to make fun of me I don’t even know any of them. its been going on for a while and I feel I cant trust anybody because it was some of my “friends” that showed these kids the video. i cant get away from these kids I just want to […]

I used to be a good religious kid. Never abused. I said my prayers, went to church, helped other people and was so full of love. I served a mission for church and suffered a major bout of depression.

I went into the military serving two tours in Iraq as a combat medic. I lost friends while there. I come home met the woman of my dreams and her two kids that I loved. She turns around and stabs me in the back. She broke my heart with her lies so badly. I put a gun in my mouth and contemplated pulling that trigger. The only […]

I’m so tired.. not in the “I’m tired from a long day at work” but tired as in.. tired of breathing, sleeping, eating, tired of just being here to here.. tired of being in this body… If only I could wake up tomorrow and be in a new body in a new life….

How do I get back at someone who strangled me many times to the point where I ended up in the emergency room to have the neck and head scans show that I was badly abused/strangled, put a gun to my face, manipulated me, cheated on me, called me crazy until I did come crazy and cut my wrist because I just wanted to die. People tell me that divorcing him and working on myself is a form of getting back at him but I say NO! How does this person get to walk away clean after the many times he abused while I am […]

Depression is different for black girls. We’re told from a young age that we don’t matter as much as others. I remember my teacher telling me I must be cheating on my work because id continuously score higher than most kids in school. I remember constantly being ranked last on “whos prettiest” lists. Me and other little black girls.

My mental health has been in a constant state of freefall. Doctors thinking i feel less pain than others. People thinking Im so strong…when im weak. Ive BEEN weak. And today, im not sure how ive made it this far. All I know is that it must […]

What keeps me here on earth are the pills that I’m taking for my mental health

I am not well. I am not well. I wonder what this night will hold…Earlier today I wrote an elaborate email to a friend that I recently spoke to about my suicidal thoughts.  It is a goodbye message. In a few minutes I will write one for my siblings, and they will be saved as drafts on my phone.  This is all just too much for me.  If things get bad, I’ll only need to press send. I am so anxious and afraid I’m shaking. I’m nauseous. I can’t think clearly. I want peace.

so i wrote a little bit of code

and i was a bit proud of it

but then it said there was an error

and me the sad

I fucked up and I don’t deserve pity. My stupid self cheated in a BIO exam and I am at risk of being investigated. I’m a university, sophomore pre-med student hoping to become a pediatrician but my stupid self couldn’t study enough and I had to resort to cheating. I regret it and I can’t justify what I did but I’m so scared of the possibility of having this on my record and unable to get scholarships, being suspended or expelled, and unable to get into medical school. I don’t know what to do and I am afraid that I might not want to live […]

so i recently found this song called ‘sugar crash’ on a minecraft youtuber meme

for some reason the songs kinda relatable

(got some pretty dark lyrics tho, don’t recommend)

i’ll just send the first verse:

I’m on a sugar crash, I ain’t got no fuckin’ cash
Maybe I should take a bath, cut my fuckin’brain in half
I’m not lonely, just a bit tired of this fuckin’ shit
Nothin’ that I write can make me feel good

Warning: It’s a long one, and there is swearing. I’m going to tell you about a toxic relationship I have and can’t let go of. I’m a bit dumb and generally need to make my own mistakes so I am not looking for advice. I’ll post a summary at the end.

I had my first serious relationship in high-school and I fell in love hard. I know it is cheesy and predictable. There isn’t anything quite like it if you are lucky. I was, at least I thought I was? We dated for 4 years and had some rough times and some perfect ones.

But as […]