General

I’m done. I can’t continue this way of planning my death and then being unable to follow through with it. Now my plan is to just wait until I have an opportunity to kill myself. That’s what I mean by “passively suicidal” – I want to die but I’m not acting upon it, I’m just waiting. But, I’m a pessimist so I know that I probably won’t end up killing myself. I just hope that if I find myself at the top of a building, I’ll have the courage to throw myself over the ledge.

I was actively suicidal not too long ago. I still remember […]

I don’t want to be here. It feels like I am in a room and there is very little oxygen here. It feels suffocating. I have to strive very hard to breath. It feels tormenting. I feel like the walls are coming in from all the 6 sides. And I am gonna be smashed. There are no doors or windows over here. The walls are sound proof. No matter how much I shout no1 can hear me. Some1 has placed heavy weight on my heart I feel like crying the whole time but I can’t find even a single tear in my eyes. I am […]

Sometimes I’ll see someone post here and hardly type but a few words. I’ve wondered why. This morning, I think I get it…

Sometimes there are too many words to describe the pain they feel. Too much in their head to convey in words. Maybe they do say a lot but it’s inside them as they type but a few words. Or, maybe those few words carry a heaviness that we don’t realize.

So, when I type:

I feel so sad.

I hope you know it means more than you know.

a pathetic lonely lesbian who is in love with her straight best friend whom she’ll never tell.
who is still in her closet.
has stopped making friends.
is failing in college.
have parents she cant share with her feelings with coz her dad is a businessman who only thinks about money and is always busy.
whose mom is a housewife and overly emotional with low bp.
a brother she cannot rely on.
who cant be with a book infront if her for more than 10 minutes
who is a coward
afraid of death
still wants to suicide
wants this pain to end
and painlessly
cant […]

hey well im still kinda new to this site and I not so sure how to work it properly… any tips?

schools starts tomorrow. it will be a miracle if i get any sleep tonight.

i hate my class

i hate my teachers

i hate my (so called) friends

i hate my cheap school

well, wish me luck.

I am trying by myself to figure out what is wrong with me why I feel so sad and have such dark thoughts about death and just..why? I want to talk to someone about me and why am I so twisted? What did I do to deserve these feelings that are slowly killing me inside. The words that are not being said. The tears that are being stifled for fear of being found out that yes I am depressed and need help. I want help but at the same time I don’t want to be a burden. I hate my body. I hate how ugly […]

I’m sick of posting about my brother, but sometimes I just don’t understand him at all.

Mothers day is coming up, he wants to take his wife and our mum to this expensive restaurant (I am a full time student and I have just got a new part time job, so still no money, plus I have bills coming up that are over $500). The cost is $80 a head for three meals, if I had the money I would go.

Anyway, mum has been really sick and can only eat bland food, my sister in law is really sick from being pregnant, but he refuses to […]

Back in 1988 I was in high school.  In my art class there was this girl that sat across from me, literally 7 feet away.  She was cute, I noticed her, we made eye contact once at least.  She was new at the school, she had only been there for a couple of weeks I guess.  I knew her name was Dina Reif.  During spring break I liked to read the local newspaper.  I like to look at the headlines, then the sports, the comics and for some reason I always read the obits.  I was sitting there on the couch and I saw a […]

Yeah I was right it only gets worse. Bad stuff after bad stuff. I’m really tired of all of this. I just want out. My suicide attempt failed and I really wish I was dead. I don’t see why it has to be this way. I was born dysfunctional. I’m never been this disappointed. I regret what I did and I have 2 felony’s. How fucking great wonder how I’m gonna get a job next year. I think I will not wake up tomorrow.  Well I hope this try works.

im sure everyone can agree with me when i say this… why god, why do you do it. if you really love us then why make us go through pain. if you know the future, then dont let us live if were destined to suffer. or kill us when we sit there crying and begging for you to send your word for us to die…. iv lost the one person who meant the world to me tonight, and she might be dead… i cant do this anymore, yes i have my other friend and she loves me but i just cant take this anymore… god… […]

Your words are forever sketched onto my skin,
They cover me like a blanket,
They mark me and label me.
You may not know the damage that has been done,
But I do.
I’ll never escape the past,
Whatever I do,
Wherever I go,
I’ll carry them on me,
Like a tattoo.

2 days and I’m walking out of the school gates. To that bridge. I will tie the rope, tightly. I will tie the other end around my neck. I will jump. I’m not afraid. It WILL work. Or so help me I WILL resort to shooting myself.

i had that gun in my hand. just checking to see if he leaves it loaded. he does. set it right back where i found it. don’t want to give myself away. “keep holding on when my brain’s ticking like a bomb.” pretty much sums up what is going on. my thanks to korn. one part of me is saying eff this i’m outta here. another part says no -i can’t do that to the people who love me. if my psychology is correct the first is the id. the latter the super ego. and it’s the ego who is just listening, absorbing, weighing pros […]

I just wonder if anyone else does this? (I feel stupid asking because I’m betting most all of us do so, sorry.)

There are people that I think about – in my head – and it’s like I’m with them and telling them goodbye. I know if I really did it they would try and stop me so, I guess it’s like telling them without them reacting. Like, I just want to say it and convey all the pain without being judged. Most times it makes me cry, too.

Then, I also notice that there are people that I think of and don’t even want to imagine […]

im falling so hard……..my end is soon…… im giving up………

I was in an emotionally abusive, co-dependent friendship from the ages of 13-16.  It skewed my views on love and friendship.  My friend–we’ll call her “Kendra”–brought me to the brink of ending my own life, then heroically brought me back.  For years, I cut, obsessed over death, and completely lost my sense of self.

I am now 34.  I have not had a “normal” relationship since.

My marriage has been marked by my distorted reality–allowing myself to be walked upon, thinking that he could leave me at the drop of a hat.

Recently–last November, actually–a friend that I met online reached out to me, and helped me to trust […]

And it doesn’t help that no one believes you when you say you believe you’re poisoned.  I’m tired of dealing with all these incompetent doctors who don’t know a thing about mercury toxicity.  I’m tired of being labeled “schizophrenic” and “delusional” simply because I believe I’m poisoned.  It’s beyond frustrating.  I’ve read stories throughout this website about people talking about dealing with diseases that doctors don’t recognize as real.  For example, Chronic lyme, Chronic Fatigue,  Permanent sexual problems from medications.  I’m just so so fucking tired of this shit….  I need a way out but I need to make sure it’ll work.

To those with unexplained […]