General

I’m simply done with life.  57, not terminal or depressed.

I was going to use the plastic bag, but too many failed

attempt stories.  I live in an apartment bldg, in

California USA & if someone hears me moaning

inside the bag & calls the police, it’s BAD news for me.

I’ve tried dehydration 4 times & have always failed

& had water.

“COMPASSION & CHOICES” recommends VSED –

look them up.  Once I’m weak, Hospice

considers me terminal & helps.

Hard candies of all flavors helps with dry mouth.

I’m determined this time will work, tho it could

take 3 weeks to die.

My will is made, my cremation paid for, my DNR form posted on the […]

There has to be something wrong with me.

It is hard to live when you dont understand how your own mind works and depicts.  I feel so ashamed of myself as an individual human being.  I lash out at the people i love, physically hurt them. because i cant control my reaction to comments said, or actions i dont agree with.  im happy one moment and furious the next.

i look in the mirror everyday disgusted with what i see. disgusting face, teeth that are never white enough, hair that never looks healthy, legs that “go on for miles” (from what ive been told.pssh) that are never […]

Hey, It’s Shalen again, how’ve ya been? Cool, Nice to know.

Anyways, here goes another one of my unimportant Blogs that hardley anyone reads or cares to. ( Thankyou to all the people who have recently helped me 🙂

Okay, about a week and a half ago, I went to the movies with my Boyfriend (I Love You) and we watched Captain America (Eh, Kinda sucked, but it was still good). He walked me home, and met my mother (Who has become a nice woman) and her boyfriend Dane. Who knows about my addicting ‘problem’. He went through the same thing I did when he was younger. […]

Everything is doing fine with her and I, were talking a lot texting, talking on the phone having a good time. She seem’s to be getting happy now cause she’s on anti depressants but what about me… I’m still miserable and not happy at all.. She’s the only thing that brings a little bit of life in me.. She lives all the way across the country though which is not fun at all. I want her in my arms, I want to tell her how much I love her and care about her.. But no I’m not with her and I feel like I’m nothing. […]

I am really starting to think that if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have none at all…
I am having one of those lives where nothing ever goes right. I know some people would point out how much worse other people in the world have it, but I really cannot summon the energy to care.
I guess it’s kind of related to people who think verbal and emotional abuse aren’t really abuse, just because it doesn’t leave physical scars.

I dont find it weird
that i post my personal thoughts
to complete strangers.
I dont find it weird
that i have the urge to cut
Slice or even hang by rope.
I dont find it tragic
that i am willing to be selfish
and finally put my needs first
and take it through my own actions.
Is it strange…
that i am willing to cry
hide from my past
and talk about my suicide.
That i can take a knife
and jab it deep into my arm.
Feeling the pain
and blood slide down my arm.
I dont find it weird
that i am […]

Why are people always saying that suicide is selfish? I have been tired of living since I was 9. I am 32 now, and the only reason I am still alive is because of how many people have told me that they need me to stay.
Aren’t they the ones being selfish? To hold me here with threats, pleas, and guilt? I made a promise to stay, and I regret that promise every single day. But, I will keep my word until and unless my weariness turns into something even worse.
I have no hope, and cannot even remember what it feels like. I hide […]

I feel so lost and I have no one to turn to. I can’t talk to friends about how I’m feeling because I know they are going to try and talk me out of ending my life. They’ll call me selfish, but they’re selfish as they can see that I’m not happy and I haven’t been happy for a couple of years now.
I’m in highschool and I thought I would have a fresh start at life, but boy was I wrong. I’m not the ‘over sensitive’ type and I don’t cry easily or atleast thats how it used to be. I cry everyday now […]

As my last resort and plea for help I called a hotline. I normally cannot talk on the phone: I hate it and it makes me anxious. I feel like an idiot because I called the line and told them I was okay when I clearly wasn’t. And they dismissed it and told me to go relax. Pfft. After I hung up the phone, I turned on the lights and just stood there in the middle of the room for about 20 minutes at two in the morning crying hysterically. All I could think about in that moment was hanging myself. I kept sketching out […]

My life has come to a halt and I cannot think of any way I can keep going. I have lost everything in my life; my alcoholic father, my borderline-personality disordered mother, my selfish brother..I still love them all but I have lost them and can’t communicate with them at all. I’ve been seeing a doctor for months now who I have become completely reliant on who doesn’t help anymore. I can’t get in to see any psychologists because I can’t get a job to pay for any. I’ve tried everything and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t enjoy anything anymore and even if […]