General

Another old song I found, there seems to be an abundance.

Do you think if I screamed

That you would hear me?

Do you think if I begged

That you would set me free?

If I gave you everything you wanted

Would you ever be satisfied?

Because sometime I’m not sure I’m granted

Anything except the tears I’ve cried

Years have gone by

And yet…nothing changes

Years have gone by

And yet…my life never rearranges

I’m always thinking

About shining armor and my knight that comes with it

I’m always blinking

But my happy ending never, ever commits

My life is rushing by my eyes

And I’m just sitting in a corner all alone

Can’t think through all these lies

I’m sure I’m on my […]

So I tried to kill myself (with good reason) a couple months ago and this guy who’s been helping me get through stuff that I’ve known for over a year made me go to the hospital and it was traumatic hell and I’ve been more screwed up since then than I was before. I’ve only spoken to him a couple of times since then, and I talked to him yesterday and reiterated all the same stuff about how it’s his fault that I had to go to the hospital and how it was stupid and screwed me up and he won’t listen and keeps saying […]

I’m sitting alone in my bedroom bringing myself to a conclusion and I feel like I want to break all my bones and tear open my skin. This is so chaotic and I can barely breathe, and I’m so PISSED off that I can’t just get it over with. I JUST WANT TO DO IT!

beaten and brused you left her to lay
always she got back up with a smile
a smile she used for so many things
to hide everything and protect you
to show everyone everything was “great”
to make them think she was happy
she hid all those scars, brusies and tears
but now
those tears are slowly starin to fall
that smile is fading
all those things you told her are replaying in her head
so many problems you caused her
trust, love, happiness all things you ripped from her
once a happy happy girl now a sad misrable thing
you ripped her to pieces […]

Was looking through some old stuff and found my old diary. Here’s some of my WAY old stuff, I guess I’ve always been depressing. Don’t read these if you want to read good poetry, I was very young when these were written. Here goes:

I’m that sock.

The one you left

In your locker

In your closet

On your floor

Without a pair.

Eventually, you forgot about me.

I’m that song.

The one you listened to

Everyday

You knew all the lyrics

You always sang along

Then came a new song

And you forgot about me.

I’m that book

You read every night

When you were a child

You knew all the words

Then you grew up

And you forgot about me.

This second one is […]

This is dedicated to all of you lovely people out there, Brandon especially (I’m keeping with our deal ;] Tell me if I did well later ). This always makes me smile, I hope it makes you smile too. Don’t read into it too much. Just watch it, for the love of Mika! And for the love of watching a strange man dance in underpants? xD

Sorry, there’s probably a way to actually put the video up, but I fail at technology…so…deal with it.

I’m almost 30 and living with my parents because I’m on disability
and don’t have the money to live on my own. I always wanted thought I’d be married with children and at least mildly successful.
Instead, I’m on a million different rotating medications to deal with
my post thyroidectomy complications, the side effects of the complications, the side effects of the side effects….I love my boyfriend, but I know he will never want the things in life I do..and I
can’t bring myself to tell him I had a chemical pregnancy after a birth control mishap when I had ovarian surgery.
I’m always sick […]

Today just keeps getting harder; not from without, just in my heart and mind.
Thanks to those who keep up the fight; and to those who can’t, I understand!

South Africa’s freezing. I just arrived here.

when we loose all sense of self what happens to us? when we lie there and let whatever happen to you happen, what does it mean. why dont we care. what it is in us, which mechanism is it, which switch has been switched off, which candle has been burnt out, what is it that we lost. what is it as we grow older that we loose. innocence? hope? belief? I dont even know how my mind is clear enough to write this, to question questions. I dont kow how. My Medicine dosage has been upp’d. I am now on […]

Yesterday morning I started to test my suicide project and after a few minutes I started to feel light-headed and dizzy I also felt a bit nauseated but I got out before I pass-out. Now I know that if I stayed longer it could’ve worked and I wouldn’t be here.

So that night I drank half the bottle of rhum and my body went numb, I also had no inhibitions of my feelings…. I took a warm shower while I was high. I was crying really hard and loud, my parents are not home so this I thought is the perfect timing. I was so high that […]

So here I am, less than ten minutes to go to school and everything just seems too much to handle any longer. My plan today, go to school get treated like I don’t exist come home get on computer and listen to music. What the fuck is wrong with my life, I do the same damn thing all the time. I haven’t done ANYTHING that is fun, I don’t go to events, social gatherings, or parties. Im desperate for love, I really am. I’m a fucking idiot teenager with no and no hope of ever having a Life. But then do I really care, does […]

It’s not ok for you to see the cracks in me

I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful
It’s calling me…

And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret – my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me

Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting

And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
Don’t wanna be down […]

I worried that he would use work as a loop hole to get out of talking to me.. and i am worried that I was right.
I thought everything would be over back in October. Yet I couldn’t go through with it because I thought that maybe despite his actions he cared.
I have given everything to him…heart body and soul. I would do ANYTHING for him.
Last month however, we were both at a lunch with mutual friends…he couldn’t even say anything to me. I have helped him with his work, I have done everything I can think of to make his life better…but […]

I haven’t updated in a while because things were getting better, but recently I have been having some real issues again. I tried for the last while to keep looking forward and keep going but now even the kindest acts have turned into hurtful things. My good intentions hurt people and when I keep to myself I am constantly pestered by my friends for being antisocial. My parents make me feel like crap constantly like I am not good enough, they are completely against everything i believe in and it bugs me. I really don’t know what to do at this point, I sort of […]

the sound of silence is more like a ringing noise to me. shit wont get out of my head. iv been running blind with my hands tied my back hoping to fall into a molten crack in the surface of the earth so my body cann be set on fire. this is what i truely desire…i see you from across the room with a guy that looks just like i do cause iv been replaced by a new nameless face that looks just like the one youve been dying to erase. why is this stuck in my fucking head. i wish i were asexual. maybe […]

It’s funny, I guess it isn’t really “funny” per se-but I’ve contemplated suicide since I was old enough to realize that you just keep having to go on and be miserable IF you don’t stop it yourself. Another “funny” thing-I would never have done it, because I didn’t want to hurt my mom. And now-I’m married! And now-I don’t want to hurt my husband. How does one find enough justification to do this when it will hurt the ones they love? It’s the only thing I can think of to stop my pain. But I feel so very selfish.

So I’ve finally registered for this site, even though I’ve been checking this site out for some time…like a year :p.

So another crappy weekend.  Memorial weekend and everyone is out having fun.  Well, BAH to that!  Why does my life suck?  Well, a multitude of reasons, but I’ll just mention 1 for right now.  It’s cuz I’m always alone!!  No one likes me.  I don’t understand why I have such a hard time making friends with people.  Why do people not like me??  I’m a nice person so I just don’t see why it’s soooo hard to make friends.

*sigh*

…forever alone…

Today was pretty much happy, but for some reason I’m unable to stay that because I start thinking and it’s all negative thoughts and I wish I could make them cease but I’m just unable to so. I feel ugly even though my best friend says I’m not. I feel everyone just hates me when I know they don’t. I feel self conscious about every tiny aspect about me from my hair to the way I walk to my weight to the shape of my face. Sorry this is just random ranting, but I’ve never dated before and ive asked and been turned away, I […]