General

i just don’t know what to do anymore. everything hurts- smiling, laughing, acting like i don’t think about dying and that i am not affected by all those insults. sometimes its just all too much and the worst part is that i have to act like it doesn’t affect me and that i don’t cut, that those scars on my arms are not my anger my frustration and my helplessness. all i can do is come here and write about it all, my feelings which i am too afraid to show others.

someone said to me that i have a lot in me but i don’t […]

people don’t understand how hard it is to survive. to live, not for someone else but for yourself. people say that you shouldn’t live for yourself but that is what everyone does because that’s what it means to be human-it means to be selfish. but what about people like me who don’t even want to live but do for the people around them, the few people who would blame themselves for my death. and also there’s my cowardness, the feeling that what is everyone going to think after i die?

i’m not lazy, i just have a certain amount of energy and right now i’m using […]

I can’t think clearly anymore. I mean I’ve been depressed for long awhile, but was never NOT able to think clearly before. My brain feels like mush. I don’t know if I’ve got brain damage (your brain atrophies when you have depression and also when your physical health declines, and I have both).

I can’t explain it. I mean I can think- like add 2+2 or whatever, but I can’t think CLEARLY. It’s more than not being able to concentrate. I can’t explain it.

That’s why I am apprehensive about taking that leap and expatting to a totally new country. […]

I need to stop moping around, depressed, not doing anything. Hell, I need to stop wallowing on here too. But I’m a fucking mess. HOW do I get my mind together to get stuff done? It’s not just not having the will. It’s not having the mental clarity to figure out a solution and go do it.

Like HOW do I fix my fungus without having to take toxic drugs that may not even work?
HOW do I expat to cheaper 3rd world country when I know no one, can’t speak the language, have health issues, have very specific […]

Currently dealing with skin fungus. It’s SPREAD all over my body, and I am at a loss of what to do. I do not go to see allopathic drs bc going to a drs office is what spread it in the first place. But natural stuff isn’t working. The toxic drug they have MAY work (in 60-70% they claim) which means realistically it’s more like 50%.

Dealing with that on a daily basis and not being able to combat that (and the past year due to multiple moves, it’s spread way fast) is taking toll on my physical and mental […]

I’ve always known these are the TWO things I NEED to get out of my depression and shit life. These are the 2 reasons why I am stuck depressed, not doing anything, feeling weak, helpless and hopeless.

IDK HOW @thebends found his/her self-confidence back, or what his purpose is, but that is the KEY to ME getting out of this as well.

How do I get my Confidence back?? No amount of self-help book is gonna cut it. I need to know what ACTUALLY works.

Our mindset is a helluva thing. If we THINK/KNOW we can accomplish things, and if we have […]

You’d never guess I’d be posting this after what I said last week about no one ever making it out of suicidal depression alive.

but yeah, I beat this. I didn’t just beat it, I fucking bodyslammed it into the dirt and pissed on its grave. 13 years of suicidal depression is finally over and I’m back to the real me.

Before I go on I want to be clear, even though I managed to squeeze my ass out of this beartrap I’m not gonna insult anyone’s intelligence by saying IT GETS BETTER because it doesn’t. It gets worse we all know that. Life is basically a […]

After another day wasted trying to remind myself of the reasons I shouldn’t kill myself, I’m back at the same old place. All that I can do now is try to focus on ameliorating the circumstances that lead me to feel that my life is unbearable. And I honestly still have no idea how to effectively do that.

The longing I feel for connection and acceptance doesn’t seem fixable. I can’t be real, with anyone, because the truth about me is repulsive. So if I involve myself with anyone I’m effectively tricking them into liking me, pretending to be someone I’m not. So I inevitably feel […]

Snakebite vs gunshot.

I’m not accepting this anymore. Any of it. I’m tired of this painful, lonely life. Everyone hates me now, for no reason. (Supposedly) You know, I read that Gaga was pretending her name was Lee… My dad’s name was Lee. I found him when he died. I just thought it was a coincidence how at ThyssKru, “Joe” said nobody cares if you drink poison… Just nevermind. A spiderweb virus didn’t do that too, did it? […]

Good feelings faded for today. I feel like dying. Just dying, dying. At least most of today was a fun day. I’m very tired and sunburnt. My legs hurt to a point I could cry. Worth it, in the end, I guess. But now I’m stuck in the car with grandparents arguing and it’s always bad when these grandparents fight because it always gets loud and scary. It’s like I’m surrounded by the rotten sounds.

I miss him. Despite everything today, and the past 2 weeks, he’s still in my fucking head. The silence. It’s been over a month, close to 2 now. And I cant […]

I got a lesson a while ago but for some reason I refused to learn from the lesson, so it was going to be another lesson until the message got through.

I entered a shopping centre from the third floor entrance, an A4 paper prescription in my back pocket. My mind was on other things (suicide) so I cannot claim I was careful enough. Just as I was walking into a pharmacy on the first floor I checked the back pocket and the prescription was missing. I fucking panicked, it had fallen out somewhere in the shopping centre. I knew instinctively that a story involving someone […]

Man, if linking whatever new conflict appears in my life with something I already wrote was a monatizable skill…. I’d be capable of earning money, ha.

there are things I can’t fix though, and that’s the current theme of my life. I wrote the devil outlet bit earlier…. and I still stand by it. It’s just, does anyone else get those posts about not cluttering up the site? It feels like it’s important to the site admins, and so in the interest of conserving the public resource of front page space, sometimes I just add to an existing post.

Compared with the devil outlet though, there are […]

Lots of little knives in my head, clawing and ripping my brain apart into little chunks of rotten sadness until it is no more. Lots of fists and knives in my heart as it tears itself apart and leaves me broken. But for what must I suffer this punishment? I yet not know. The drain in da brain drained away all my ambitions and dreams. Makes you wonder, hm? I’m left stuck here in a limbo of sorts. No one notices. Nobody notices that the dreams feel more real than the reality, and my disconnection here. No one no one no one.

They left me out […]

Really fast.
It’s all up from here.
Eventually though.
I hit the ceiling.
And there will be no place to go but down.

When you stop eating, at first there’s hunger pangs, but after some time, they go away. But when you start eating again, that pesky desire to eat comes back, and you’re forced to eat again and again. Eating USED to be enjoyable- hell, it was the only “enjoyment” in my life. But now? Eating is a fucking chore. -_-

How do we not let regret keep us stuck? I don’t mean minor regrets on stuff. I mean LIFE ALTERING choices or decisions that were made (or not made).

So many things have gone wrong in my life, and so many people have done so many bad things to me, over and over and over again. It’s hard to let go of that. Logically, I know getting stuck on the past and on emotions doesn’t do me any good. But on the other hand, when your emotions are stuck, no telling yourself to “get over it” is gonna get over it. […]

When you don’t sleep, night after night after night. and even when you do, it’s only a few hours every night, and you NEVER make up the sleep deficit. Imagine you pulling an all-nighter, except it’s an all-nighter EVERY night and you’re not allowed to pass out and sleep 10 hours and wake up all good and new.

Imagine that even when you do sleep “6” hours, that it’s not deep sleep. I do not get deep restful sleep, so when i wake up, i’m still fucking tired. it’s literally like being a fucking zombie, and NO sleep drugs don’t do shit. […]

I wouldn’t trade these days for anythinggggg. I’m so grateful.

In the next few hours/days, this will be the first time I ever have to “say goodbye” to someone in the hospital. Yet I can’t help but feel like the most despicable person for not only having my last words to her be something she even acknowledged I never said to her when she was well but wishing I had more time if only to ease my own selfish regrets… It’s things like these that make me feel like I’m a wretched creature that is better off dead and never remembered.