I thought telling myself im getting better
Telling you im getting better
Will actually make me feel better
But its not
Its just makes me feel lonelier more than before
Trapped in my box of lie coating with happiness
Im so sorry i choose to left this way
But even if i ask and scream for help
You wont help me
You wont be here
Only my smile and cheerful side makes you happy
Makes you closer
Guess everyone loves the sunshine
But forget about the rain in the same sky
Category:
My Suicide Note
There are so many things i should prepare for my mom, dad, sis, best friends, friends, and enemy.
But do i really need to do all of that?
Im afraid they will be sad cause im gone
But will my letter and gifts makes them understand what ive been thru or makes them less sad?
Should i jump from a building?
Should i drink the mix of drugs?
Should i cut my neck/wrist?
Im so afraid to live yet im afraid to hurt them too
At the same time
Im happy cause there will be someone crying in my funeral and to leave this painful feeling
Ive been […]
In these woods I stand belong to me.
They’re burnt and barren as far to see;
The skies are dark and a storm is coming
There is no shelter for me.
It might be unwise to wait just a bit
But my weariness compels me to sit
As the winds pick up and the thunder rumbles
I cup my hands around to get my cigarette lit.
I’ve made too many mistakes while on my path
It’s plain to see and as easy as math.
There’s no time left and honestly I’m very tired
To face the stress, the hurt, the wrath.
These woods might not be pretty, green […]
12/19/2022
i’m so tired. i’m 19 going on 20 years old and i’ve done absolutely nothing to show for it. i’m a quitter – i’ve quit on everything and everyone in my life except for the shitty drugs and the sex, the DIY piercings, the self-harm… i quit on everything that actually mattered.
i’m not going to ever get better. my bpd’s gonna strangle me the rest of my life.. so what’s the fucking point? might as well beat it to the punch, and sign off.
if a therapist were to evaluate me at this moment, i’d be fucked. grippy socks […]
Watching others this time of year, wondering if what they’re showing the world is just a mask like mine or are they truly as happy as they appear? I’m tired of trying, I’ve been trying for forty some years, when can it be enough? When can I close my eyes one last time and feel relief for those remaining conscious moments? I fulfilled my role as daughter, wife and mother, everything is in its place. Even to feel nothing rather than this unrelenting sadness, not knowing why, only that it’s a part of me, intertwined to deeply. I don’t want to keep going […]
Hey hello you there.. if you see this post may you keep reading.. i really need your help.. SO
There will be a wedding party around 2 weeks from now. The groom is one my best friend and the bride is a fake friend/ a witch/idk what i should called her. As you guys know im battling my depression for 2-3 years and i just getting better this month, struggling by myself without medical, parents, or friends help.
Now i am fatter like 10kg more than before. Ive been locking myself all these years and doesnt want to meet my friends. One of the reason why […]
I started to thinking again
Should i juat die leaving this world before this year ends
I keep losing what i love
My mom said dont depend yourself on someone
Depend on yourself
I cant
When i dont have anything good left inside me
And thats why i choose to live for my dog
Why you always being so harsh to me
You said i cant even cry when im feeling sad
Even you cry when you have a bad mood
I saw it
But why i cant even tho you know that its only hurting me more
Why are you so harsh to me […]
Gratitude is overrated, like many other optimistic/positive-thinking advices. Not everybody can do that. It’s unrealistic, and honestly full of BS (bullshit)
Gratitude has become today’s current hype which everyone seems to be doing, and even keep posting about it constantly on social media. Everywhere you see people always talk about gratitude (& with all other optimistic/positive stuff usually).
It becomes irritating however when gratitude is forced and shoved down our throats, as if everyone should (or must) do that. In reality, you can’t just force other people to keep showing gratitude constantly. Things happened, shits happened; problems, pain, & sufferings happen to some people, which is ridiculous […]
iam a failure in every sense of the word, but I don’t mind being a failure. Not everyone is capable of being successful but I don’t mind that. Iam happy working menial job but when you live with an abusive family who oppress you it is impossible to find peace of mind. The only way I can find it is to get some work and move out but I can’t do that. Iam incapable. Iam not allowed to get a job. I can’t go out. Iam like a pet dog tied up with chains who’s abused day and night. So the only way for happiness […]
why is my love never good enough for you?
I let you fill my lungs and mind with toxins
and although
the excitement last a couple mins
your effects latch onto me like a mother breastfeeding her child
i love you so much
even though you assaulted me
and try to forcefully rip apart my heart
the moonlight is green tonight
everyone in the whole world is cheerful
I love you so much
if I don’t have you I’m going to pour gasoline and set myself ablaze
for without your love I can’t […]
congrats on getting away with child molestation n rape. while you’re busy bitching about how I’m no-contact, I’m regretting not killing you when I had the chance. I could’ve burned you alive. I could’ve bashed your head in like you tried to do to mine. I could’ve stabbed you on any of the many occasions you “checked in on me” by ripping the doors open when I was in the bathroom. I could’ve just let you choke on your vomit when you were ODing. I probably should’ve. Could’ve been “your own fault” to everyone. I nearly walked down to the house this summer, since I […]
im just done with life tbh. all it takes is this one person to yell and everything i’ve been coping with just comes down at me again and again. they don’t know half the stuff i think about. and i’m so frickin sorry that i can’t be like their perfect son. i dont even want to be him. i’ve just been thinking about *method* a lot lately. it would be such a nice escape from this life.
FUCK TIME TIME IS A B!TCH
FUCKIN RANT O’CLOCK, FUCKLES MCGEE!
GUESS WHAT?! I’m FUCKING waiting now, and I FUCKING hate it!
WAITING FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING SOLUTION which is GONNA MAKE MY LIFE BETTER
but FUCK WAITING OH GOD
I WAS STABLE for like A WEEK AND A HALF damnit! FUCK COPING! FUCK QUESTIONS from PROFANE PREACHERS of PALLID HATE!
HERE’s the UPDATE, because HELL YEAH that’s useful!
Part ONE:
I wanna make some FUCKIN DEMANDS, damnit!
I WANNA COFFIN, DAMNIT! and you BETTER NOT THROW AWAY ALL THE SHIT I PUT TOGETHER TO LAY THIS WHOLE MESS OUT FOR YA!
alright, now to the kind and well-deserving members of thesuicideproject.org, I’d like to […]
Looking to golden lights, disoriented by gossamer affection
You never loved me- lie no more. Leave me or love me, I shan’t stand for your façade any longer. I see truth, I knew from the genesis of your sin, it held no virtues.
You called my light delusion, and you called my patience an unchecked ego. When I spoke clearly at last, your shell crumbled, you held no quarter to the lies before which you had brought forth against me. You say it “I love you not, I care nothing for you however you shall live.” And so it was laid plain.
Dear Dr.X,
Thank you for getting through with the call with me today. I knew it was quite late for you since you didn’t have a continuous sleep the night before. I can hear your agitation in your tone although you kept on with the polite laughs and expressing gratitude as usual. The many times you called within a minute alone showed your agitation, while I was using the loo.
I want to tell you that I am sorry for coercing you into a late night call. I know that I was being inconsiderate of your situation. I only consider about my own convenience and feeling, ignoring […]
I don’t even know what to say. I feel like I’m already dead. I have no desire to live any more. I have no motivation to do anything. I want to be anything other than alive; anywhere other than here. I hate myself. I hate my life. Even my kids aren’t enough to keep me motivated any longer. I feel like I’m just barely holding on. I was sober for nearly eight years before I drank again and now I can’t even put together a week without drinking–I’ve a glass of crushed ice in the kitchen awaiting a heavy pour of bourbon from the bottle […]
I live in a country that sees suicide as an act of rebellion . So there are laws to scare people from commiting suicide . One of those laws is that if I am not above the age of 21 . If I commit suicide my close family parents and older siblings will be held accountable for my “mistake” by paying stupidly large sums of fines and me and my parents have to at least be held inside a “psych ward” ( basically a prison ) until I am deemed to be “normal” again . I have been actively trying to commit suicide since I […]
Here’s something funny. Maybe you can get some humor from it. This is a happy suicide note! As I write this, I’m not about to kill myself. I’ll be laughing with my friends online in a few minutes. Life will go on for a little while longer now. So, if you’re one of the strangers reading this when I first publish it, don’t feel sad for me. In fact, just keep assuming that the time never came. After you read it, just watch some cat videos and move on.
Anyways. Hi!
It’s strange, I know. I do want to explain a little. When it is actually time […]
I feel like i have been so manic that my head is going to spilt in half. That my chest will burst open. That my legs will break from pacing around so much. That my heart will give out from how much it hurts. I feel like i am losing my mind. And in the middle of it all, i dissociating from my body. Im watching from the sidelines. And i cant do anything about it. No matter how loud i am acreaming at my self TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST BREATHE
BREATHE YOU FUCKING IDIOT
JUST STOP FUCKING MOVING AROUND […]
Everyone always says it gets better but when has it ever gotten to be anything other than shit. I’m sick of being all alone and empty I realize people never cared if I lived or die because to 7.7 billion people here I’m just another meaningless speck who repeats the same day over and over just with a different script and is just a waste to society. it just feels like I’ve just fucked up anything good that comes my way and like a magnet to the bad. The only thing that I truly just want is to be dead and forgotten so […]