For your poems.
I’m bleeding blind.
Cut. Cry. Rewind.
Clean and cold
Crimson tears on stone
You scream for attention
Then hurry and hide
I bear the aggression
My scars your sacrifice
For your poems.
If you dont feel loved today
Or maybe yesterday
Or maybe since you are a kid
Try to believe
One day someone will find you as precious
Or love you more than theirself
And even give you her/his everything just to make you smile
Just wait until that times come
Even in your worst condition
You will find someone who love you
He/she will love you
Just the worst you are
Just the bad you are
And just how you still breathing
He/she will trust you
He/she will love you
She took a deep breath,
She counted to three,
A picture in her head,
Of who they wanted her to be.
They wanted her to be normal,
Happy and kind.
They never thought,
That this girl would be blind.
Not blind by meaning,
But blind in the heart.
Blinded by darkness,
Blinded by dark.
She walks around lifeless,
Her heart is beating but she feels dead.
A walking corpse.
She is lost inside her heart.
Things have no meaning,
At least not anymore.
She was not how she was once before.
She is one of the livings,
But one of the deads.
A part of her is missing.
She hangs on by a thread.
She hung her head low,
took one final bow.
She stepped off the edge,
Saying one final vow
“I will not change who I am.
As hard as any of you try,
This is me giving up,
This is one las goodbye”.
I lay here hopelessly upon my bed
where words seem to fall yet,
they never seem to leave my head
where I sit behind a colourless screen and constantly keep falling in and out of a bad dream.
The net I cast to set me free only ended up tying me up,
threatening to snap at the feel of a touch,
an emotion which is all controlled by the only constant friend,
who whispers in my ears and slowly cripples my self-esteem.
Is this the end?
It feels like I’m dying,
the comfort of my friends only seems to hurt me.
It hurts me to see them happy and free,
I try to feel but in that process, my mind wanders
I feel empty and alone.
I’m trying to function this dysfunctional vessel I try to call ME.
It all feels blank most of the time. I am suicidal but i don’t plan or have a plan to kill myself, but the thoughts linger. I’m in the grey area, constantly In the grey area.
I don’t want a future, i don’t want to get a job and i don’t want to get out of bed each morning, i don’t want to brush my hair, i don’t want to eat. eat… eating is something that i haven’t done now for a few days. i have such disgust for my body and the numbers on the scale. i haven’t eaten and my body is so weak, I’m bruising easier and I’m so tired but i can’t sleep, yet i can’t seem to even have food around me anymore.
School is a fucking blur, i can’t focus. so many people expect so much of me and i feel like a failure. i feel like a fucking glitch In the system. and no one understands or gets it they act as if nothing is wrong. people are toxic. we are killing the world as we know it and people are more worried about likes on a social media app. social media really fucks up your mental health you know? i don’t know anymore. This world is so fucking cruel and disgusting i just don’t want to be apart of it anymore. My mum is the only thing that keeps me alive, i love my mum. other than that I’m already dead.
i always try asking myself to describe what it feels like and the best i can do is a Tv with static on, that mind numbing sound echo through my head every second. i want to hurt everyone i see and i don’t know if its just a reflection of myself. I don’t want to be on antidepressants, they’re so fake. like I’m faking happiness i never deserved in the first place. Im so tired of being alone but i push everyone away and hurt them. i try sabotaging everything good in my life.
I’m always so unsure of myself, i don’t know who i am. i feel like I’m falling constantly and that I’m drowning, I’m suffocating.
i don’t see myself making it past 25 and i feel like i can’t talk to anyone anymore about it.
but soon enough my personality will shift and i will forget this feeling for a few hours. i need help but i don’t want help. I’m watching myself turn each day into a disappointment and a failure to everyone. this life was never made for me. This is messy and I’m sorry to anyone reading this, i just had no where else to go
If I showed my true colors, what would society think?
Would they laugh, show pity, or read the ink?
I’m exhausted from smiling every single day
When I know the pain won’t just go away.
Every night I cannot sleep
Because my thoughts run so deep.
They went out for a stroll
But got sucked into a black hole.
My focus is no longer there, anywhere.
I don’t know why I’m like this, I swear.
It seems like I’m just well-dressed.
That just means how much I’m stressed.
My friends all laugh and hang around.
You don’t need water to be drowned.
This darkness beneath consumes my mind.
It’s like I’m living my life blind.
On the outside I’m holding it together,
But it’s as unpredictable as the weather.
“How are you?” “I’m fine.”
But the truth lies between the lines.
It’s like being on Mars and trying to breathe air.
When they talk about the future, I don’t really care.
You say to suck it up and to be strong,
But little do you know what exactly is wrong.
My life is forever altered because of this.
That cheerful 5 year old is who I miss.
This is war; you either win or die trying.
You speak the truth or continue lying.
The changes were all so very subtle; I don’t blame you for not seeing,
But what you don’t understand is that I’m a human being.
The truth is you wouldn’t last if this was in your brain,
But I’ve found a way to numb the pain.
I have to fight my mind every single second,
But that’s only because this thing had beckoned.
I wouldn’t ever choose to feel this way; these were the cards I was dealt.
My only wish is that more people would understand how we felt.
Sometimes a glimpse of wonder wanders on over,
But it’s as rare as finding a four leaf clover.
Monsters don’t live under our beds.
They scream inside of our heads.
Still, I live with the hope that one day I will win.
I will defeat the monster that’s under my skin.
Somebody clear up the
fucking turmoil in my head
it’s a roller coaster heart
on my sleeve, i’m in a labyrinth
I don’t know how I came
in, somebody end me take
me the fuck away, it’s a
virus, a dangerous virus
I own it’s inside of me,
coursing through my veins
it’s in my bones baby
fucking break them, let
it out i’m exhausted, I
can’t survive it’s a
fucking loop, somebody
fucking end me somebody
cure me, I need to fix
this baby it’s critical, it’s
inside of me I am the virus
I’m sick in the head, and
it’s so fucking toxic next
thing’s asylum , hold
me back don’t let me
write, don’t let me
write on my skin
somebody fucking end
Maybe I should’ve hold in the feelings as much as I could
but they would only hurt me more than they should
Maybe I could’ve stopped believing in my issues
but they always turned back stronger than I fought
And I wonder if I would’ve had said about anything to continue
but the lies personified my world faster than I would
It burns me in the same way I burned It
Lingering feelings that don’t know they own me
I’m lost yet I’m here
I’m here yet I’m lost
Closing my eyes every single time
I don’t want to hear myself
I don’t wanna lie.
Since age 10, I had depression, Now after 10 and more years I have realized it. Crying alone was the solution to all of my problems..
It’s true that I have tried to die 3 times. All in vain. I now live without any contact to the outside world. No friends. It didn’t hurt me so much before. But now it does I don’t know why. Who am I? I ask myself this question every day after opening my eyes from a long troubled not deep sleep. I cry every night in the darkness of the night when everyone is deep into their dreams and I can’t let them know anyways. A friend I met is a nice person but I don’t why I cry every time I think I messed up with this person. Guilt lurks beneath the bed and crawls upto my soul.
I know I can’t let anyone know about my mind, It’s not that they will get worried or anything, They just won’t understand the pain from the unknown. But I let that one friend know anyways… I don’t why… I am letting you know..
I am anyways.. The sun is about to shine.. I must go to sleep.. Let’s meet again through these tears.. I can’t keep your memories dusty anymore.. In drawer of longing..
Who am I you may ask? How can I tell you who I am if I don’t even know myself?
I don’t know who I am today
I know who I used to be
I miss her
Her smile and determination
Her drive and passion
Her eyes filled with energy
That girl could dream a dream though
They were so vivid, colorful and plentiful
Today I dream the same dream over and over again, only it’s a nightmare now
It always ends in unforgiving darkness as I realize that I’m imprisoned. Chained and weighed down by the mighty unrelenting force of my own mind
But she is gone, she died a long time ago
Right now I am one in 7.5 billion, a mere blip on the horizon of all of mankind, an individual
I am the shy one, the one that’s always thinking yet never speaking
I am a girl that doesn’t know what to do with her life
I’ve heard someone say to follow the life of a person who inspires you or you want to emulate yet I can’t find a single person i want to emulate
I thought we were taught to be ourselves but what if we don’t know ourselves? Are we just another imitation of someone who has passed before us?
I am a living disappointment
I am the friend that jokes about dying
I am a sister
I am a daughter abandoned by his father
I am the girl that cries every night for reasons I don’t even understand
I am the girl who sits at the back
The one with the tired eyes
I am the forgotten friend
Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and all
But they don’t truly know me
I mean, I’ve told you things that nobody knows
I know this doesn’t define me
But when I think of myself all I see is sadness
This is more than the sadness you and me know
This is emotional absence
I can feel my life passing by
I see everyone doing great thing with their life
Yet i’m trapped, stuck in my own mind
I apologise if this isn’t the happy poem you were expecting
But I haven’t been happy for a long time now
I know all of this doesn’t make sense but neither does my mind
It’s all jumbled up and I can’t seem to get anything right
And now that you know all my secrets, can you tell me who am I?
.. I’m so empty. Some talk to fill the space within. Some eat. Others listen to music. Maybe hang around with familiar strangers; go to drink and dance. My belly’s so full I don’t feel empty inside. So sleepy, so tired… soo alone.. I’ve turned 19 today. No longer a boy right? Still alone. Still afraid to be loved but oh how much I need somebody to embrace me. How much I want to embrace a girl and protect it. How afraid I am to love.. NO; I’m afraid of not being loved in return. I want to chain a girl and make sure she is mine. Such desperate thoughs are born from my fears. So close with people yet so far away. Don’t go away. I thought we were closer Don’t break my dream. My wish. Blow the candles and hope that all die. Or maybe just me…
I feel a distance
A million miles apart
My heart beat stings as it thumps inside my chest
With every beat I feel I am reminded of all the things in life that I’ve failed
Of all the things I’m ungrateful for
I see these children that have my dna
And I feel nothing on the daily except for sorrow
I hate that I’ve put them here
Hate that I’m selfish
Sometimes when I think about the life that’s growing inside I wish it would go away
And I immediately feel guilty
Because they never asked to make it their home
No, it was my own stupidity that got me here
When I laid down and let him have me in an effort to save himself
Why am I so destructive
Why am I so impulsive
Why am I always left there to feel shame
I feel so distant from reality
Disconnected from all the people
It feels like my skin is translucent
Like I don’t truly exist
I feel like an outsider in every circle that I’m in
My thinking is complex and in a world of its own
Truly I am alice
And this is my wonderland
I don’t think I will ever close the distance
Or ever find a soul that is meant for me to have and to hold
I will just keep falling with every passing year
Losing myself in it all
Because I am disconnected from you all
Falling further into loneliness and feeling the sting of realization inside my chest
I will stay a million miles apart from the ones who can see through my skin
And let the breeze take me as I let the madness have me
Finially, as I am sure that life is more trouble than it was ever worth
I thought I would leave this here
It is nothing too special, at all, but it is all I have.
I was trying to record an album but I could never get the devil off my back,
so all I have is this poetry and a guitar I can’t pick up.
I already sold my keyboard and my record collection.
The Fleshy Bones
An Album For Kids That Live On The Moon (Copyright)
THE DARK SIDE OF THE EARTH
Without further A-doobie
Beyond a shadow of an ounce
And with that I rest my bong
Poking Smot; Binking Dringe
Everybody can do drugs
But not everyone can be drugs
Are You Ready, Freddy?
And then there was light
..And then there was sound
..And then there was color
..And then there was Ocean
..And then there was Mountain
..And then there was The Sun
..And then there was The Moon
..And then there was The Solar System
..And then there was The Father
..And then there was The Son
..And then there was The Holy Ghost
..And then there was Arithmetic
..And then there was Science
..And then there was Love
..And then there was War
Death before Dishonor
A Captain Lost at Sea in Solitude
Every day I wake up feeling like Great Britain
A stranger strolling the villas of Notre Dame Kingdom.
I’ve wandered the plotted grid of your mind
Like I’m trekking the Sierra Nevada
Ascended the Himalayas
Then I approached The Pier
Dived into your Aquatics
Sailed Olympic lengths
Through your Black Seas
And Gibraltar Straights
Climbed your Eiffel Tower
And sky-dived down
Set up camp –
Lived only on your twigs & berries
Slept wrapped in my sleeping bag
Beside your creeks
If only to wake up to your songbird tweet
My life in the grooves and tombs of your hands
A cryptic stare
A bedeviled glare
PLEURS DE JOIE
“But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?”
A slow dance. A biblical romance.
Slipping, sliding through the shadows
When you think no one is watching
The spirit is moving you
A silly game. A broken toy.
A starry night you perch on your tower
Connecting the dots – All the stars that shower
Shooting towards each other
Like a game of tag
In graceful haste, I strike a cord
When the world has come to none,
There will only be but one, Juliet.
Bubble-gum lips and cotton-candy eyes
A home cooked meal and her voice a harp strumming goodnight
Light cast all around her on Summer Days
A clear-skied Crepuscular Ray
Melting at her feet, there is me.
First Come, First Serve
I was reading some poems by Edna St. Vincent Millay And found one called “The Suicide”. It opens with the lines at the bottom of this post. I connected with the idea of cursing life and giving it up, but I was unnerved by the direction she took it. It ends with her in heaven, in eternal rest, but jealous of the other dead people and angels who get to serve her god. When she asks for a task, the God tells her no because her life was her task and she gave that up. Does the idea of life as an act of devotion to be completed for the sake of a deity make it easier to live? It’s at least a relief not to be told to feel guilty because suicide is damning or something. That idea scares me so much because I want suicide pretty often.
"Curse thee, Life, I will live with thee no more! Thou hast mocked me, starved me, beat my body sore! And all for a pledge that was not pledged by me"
Trouble, oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face and it’s too much, too much for me
Trouble, oh trouble can’t you see
You’re eating my heart away and there’s nothing much left of me
I’ve drunk your wine, you have made your world mine
So won’t you be fair, so won’t you be fair
I don’t want no more of you, so won’t you be kind to me
Just let me go where I’ll have to go there
Trouble, oh trouble move away
I have seen your face and it’s too much for me today
Trouble, oh trouble can’t you see
You have made me a wreck, now won’t you leave me in my misery
I’ve seen your eyes and I can see death’s disguise
Hangin’ on me, hangin’ on me
I’m beat, I’m torn, shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see, too shocking to see
Trouble, oh trouble move from me
I have paid my dept, now won’t you leave me in my misery
Trouble, oh trouble please be kind
I don’t want no fight and I haven’t got a lot of time
Which perception do they shoulder?
“Pus sy”, or unknowing soldier?
Weakness, or internal sickness?
They’re indifferent to the difference.
Still, They’re still expecting stillness,
my distilled and filtered feelings,
for me to be as they are themselves, and
anticipating this unrelenting unrelating,
I hide myself away.
The urge for abortion is a plague, because I have this suprise unwanted pregnancy–
A malicious, mind-screwing sperm which has burrowed into the cerebral egg of my neurotransmitters by means of psychological rape–what really is this weight I carry?
This thing that grows inside of me?
This parasitic infancy?
The mucous walls of this mental placenta;
the membranes of this umbilical prison
is the shield that keeps me in;
Suppressed expression which contains and quarentines the contagion,
lest those exposed become
infected by it’s afterbirth.
The Parasite’s neonatally feeding,
while it’s host withers, slowly dying, because I hide all this away. They wouldn’t listen anyway. A Crybaby has been born in their eyes.
Without a heart of hearing
it’s hard of healing,
and ‘cus they’re blind to seeing,
they’ll wonder why it happened
and care all of a sudden
when I finally abort myself.