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Nothingness

by LoneSoul
written by LoneSoul

emptiness feelings. I try to do things to keep me looking stable live. But when I get caught up in my Imagination/daydream like state. The Thoughts becomes a scenes like from movie’s trying to find place for the roles. I lose my role as a director and end up finding Myself as a viewer to my own life. I watch everything go by. I’m used to this. I’ve seen these same events. I know where it leads to. But don’t know why I let it happen. I’ve really stop caring a long time ago about my well being. When I do something that hurt’s myself […]

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My own imagination….

by LoneSoul
written by LoneSoul

Live in the present moment, no time no space just yourself and your surroundings. Breathing in the same air the same environment. Not knowing the known. Erasing the the way of living that was taught since birth.  

“imagine what would it feel like to be In peace?” Freedom, gratitude? What are those really like? How come these thoughts Always Intrigues my mind… Is it because I’m so used to the pain suffering that I’ve caused myself. 

 

Easily influenced by the outside world. But hard headed when it comes to Helping myself. Thinking about not deserving to have that kind of life which I desire.. sad truth. I […]

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-Visitors not allowed-

by Virus.Found
written by Virus.Found

Maybe the life I’ve build, is the one I deserve. But is it really fair for someone to only be able to build a Horror-Mansion, while others get a Dreamhouse done.? They call it ‘having the tools to deal with setbacks’. I’ve never aquired anything more than a pair of old rusty scissors, to cut the caution tape, that I’ve wrapped around my Mansion, for normal folks to stay away.

Trespassers would still get in. They love being part of the haunted feeling once in a while. They’re lucky they get to leave that feeling, because I don’t. I have to stay here, isolated and question […]

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Poem I wrote inspired by a comment I made on here…

by ClaboC
written by ClaboC

Logic

By ClaboC

You’re there

Peering out on the edge of the window

You look down

A chasm deeper than the Mariana

You’re above it but still drowning

Till finally, you feel the push

Was it the wind?

Was it your fears?

No, you were thrown.

Discarded by some fool who’d lost grip on reality

And there goes gravity

 

You fall

The suffocating turns into air

Air into freedom

Freedom into fear

Fear… then, regret

It’s too late

You’re already falling

No parachute to save you now

And god is on a business call

…

…

…

Concrete, bones

Screams, cries

What is real?

Who knows, cause now the only thing real is the pain.

The suffering you once felt is gone

Replaced by pain indescribable with words

You’re dying

The clock ticks

Everything ever, flows […]

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foreign feelings

by system
written by system

i have a friend overseas who i’ve known for around 4 years now.

he’s really important to me.  but i’m scared.

i’m scared because he hasn’t betrayed me.

i’m scared because he hasn’t gotten rid of me.

i’m scared because he hasn’t dropped me.

i’m scared because he insists that he cares about me.

i’m terrified of all of it, it’s so foreign to me.  to have someone who doesn’t want to break me down until i’m nothing.

whenever he says he cares about me

the only thing i can think of is “i don’t believe you.”

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they all leave

by system
written by system

they say they love you and they leave

they say that you’re their entire world and they leave

they say that you are irreplaceable and then they leave

they say that they’ve never met anyone like you and then they leave

everybody leaves.

they always leave.

everything is fleeting.

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seldom

by system
written by system

seldom do i ever have a moment where i am free from the pain, free from the trauma that plagues me relentlessly

seldom do i ever have a moment

where i don’t hear your fucking voice, ******.  where i don’t feel empty.  when i escaped from you, i forgot to bring my identity with me.  i have no idea who i am.  you managed to steal me away from myself before i had the chance to run.

you conditioned me to believe that you are the only one who could ever understand someone like me.

who could ever love someone like me.

you conditioned me into forfeiting my right to make […]

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self-destructive

by system
written by system

i continue to find myself in the same spot, trying to fight the impulse.  the impulse to cut, to hit, to burn, to bruise- to destroy this vessel.  this vessel that reminds me that i am nothing, that i will never amount to anything.  i am useless.  i am never the first choice.  i am pitied.  i am a puppet.  i am alive so that my suffering may entertain those who induce it.  i am worthless.  i will never be worth anybody’s love.  i will never be enough.  i am nothing and i will always be nothing.

i am defined by my pain and i have […]

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never & always

by system
written by system

i have no energy.  i have given up.  i do not deserve to be loved.  i will never be loved by someone.  i will never be in a safe situation.  i will never be cherished.  i will never be happy.  i will never be unbound.  i will never be kept around.  i will never be anyone’s first priority.  i will always be abandoned.  i will always be pitied.  i will always be the last choice.  i will always be in pain.  i will always be a puppet.  i will always be worthless.

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recalling torture

by system
written by system

the way my blood ran cold every time you threatened me

the way that the blade felt as i dug it into my flesh to form the letters of your name

the way the candle wax burned as it hit my skin

the way that the acidic feeling in my throat would linger when you made me film myself purging

the way i would try to speak clearly between sobs in those videos you forced me to make, the ones where i apologized to you

the way you talked me out of taking my life in front of you, not out of love, but out of your desire to keep […]

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flashbacks

by system
written by system

ifuckign hate flashbacks i can feel everythign

he’s in my head he won’t leave he won’t leave he won’t leave

i can hear him yelling at me like he used to

i can see him smiling when I cry

****** please get out of my head please please please go away

i can’t stop crying im so scared

i don’tlike crying because he loved it when icried

but the tears won’t stop falling and i can feel the hallucinations starting to creep up […]

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how to never stop being sad

by system
written by system

i really relate to this song a lot and i just would like to share it

how to never stop being sad by dandelion hands

Time has proven
That fooling yourself into believing a lie
Is the most effective way
To deal with things you have no control over

Keep listening to the mixtapes they made you
Overanalyze every single word you hear
“Was this a sign that things were going wrong”
No no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them

Stay up every single night staring at your phone
Either attempting to gather up the courage
To turn these demons, these constant reminders
Of your […]

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things he said

by system
written by system

his name is censored and the lines have been recolored for safety reasons.  i’m a minor.  please don’t sexualize any of this.  please.  this is vent art that I made during the time I was being abused.  everything written was taken straight from voice memos, emails, and messages.

 

edit: how many times do i have to reiterate that this wasn’t a relationship.  leave me alone.  please.

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property

by system
written by system

there is a song that i would listen to back when i was still being abused in august.  it’s your dog by Soccer Mommy.  most of the time i’d just sit on the floor and sob while it played on repeat in the background.  i still listen to it, it’s a great song and i love it, it’s just really difficult to listen to because of the content of the song itself and the time period i associate it with.

here are the lyrics:

I don’t wanna be your fucking dog
That you drag around
A collar on my neck tied to a pole
Leave me in […]

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the guilt of a victim

by system
written by system

i am left with unbearable shame after what he did to me.  i dwell on what i “could have done differently” and go into a spiral of self blame and hatred.  it’s my fault.  it’s my fault.  it’s my fault.  when truly, no, it wasn’t.  he had every opportunity to not be an abusive, sadistic, conscienceless monster.  he chose to continue.  he chose to blackmail me.  he chose to abuse me.  he chose to force me to mutilate myself.  i did not choose to be abused.  i did not choose to be stripped of my dignity.  i did not choose to become a puppet.

I WAS […]

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nameless, faceless

by system
written by system

they seldom had a name or a face.  they knew everything about me but i knew nothing about them.  their anonymity versus my specificity.  no name, no face.  just words, just abuse.  they offered me nothing but threats and love that was a falsity.  once caught in the first one’s trap, i was left wounded like a fox in the jaws of a bear trap.  with bone showing and flesh cut away, it made me easier to catch.  it weakened me.  then came the next hunter, the next predator.  and the next.  and the next.  unachievable is my justice as they remain nameless, faceless.

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