I feel like dying today. My world has been falling apart lately, my boyfriend has been my only support and I would always go on because of him. Until now, I made a mistake and he is ignoring me. I feel so fragile, lost, empty. We’ve been talking about it and trying to solve things but from one day to the other he decided to ignore me, I feel heartbroken. I want to jump from the top of a building but I’m waiting. Maybe he’ll talk to me. If not, I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the weekend.
My head is pounding. Absolutely throbbing. I overslept and am late for work. I don’t want to leave my apartment and interact with others. It’s exhausting.
The stimulants I’m prescribed will get me up and going… But in about 2 hours, panic will set in like clockwork. Then another pill for anxiety to calm my nerves and put me to sleep.
There’s no happy medium.
I’m quite upset currently. For many reasons, it’s like I’m carrying an extreme weight all the time but it only bears down on me sometimes. Sometimes I can forget about it for a little bit but it is always there and it is always prominent, in the back of my mind or right infant of me. And right now it’s infant of me, and it’s staring at me like one of the demons from Supernatural. And i wield my invisable sword, and take a swing. Obviously nothing happens, because it’s fucking invisible, but i hold to the idea that I’m trying and perhaps getting somewhere, […]
( Inspired by the beautiful animated films by Miyazaki. I present a drawing of Totoro and Catbus! Enjoy<3)
I’ve been happy or.. At least carefree for a while even though I barely had any communication with anyone for the past months.. I started to feel strong, like I could do anything and honestly not give a sh*t about what people think.. But all of a sudden i feel my depression creeping back up on me. I’m scared. I don’t want to feel depressed anymore. I WANT […]
Sometimes, you wonder where those whispers in your mind originate from.
These are not strange voices that I hear, nor do they frighten me. They are perhaps a hybrid between my thoughts and subconscious. But they are there. Not loud, but not so soft to just dismiss as thoughts. They are intrusive, and some days, relentless. The whispers sound… Familiar. Maybe they take on my own voice… Or at least what I think I sound like in my head.
Some days they are silly, commenting on little quirks throughout the day. I do not think of much them during such times. Other days, when I have fallen […]
Sigh. Personal life is a smoking crater and now I’ve stopped caring about my job at all.
And behind on bills. Maybe something extra bad will happen this month and I’ll be homeless and just die on the streets.
But not with each other.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. Not sure if this is even related. Oh well.
I just have this weird longing feeling right now. (Hey I’m feeling something) The longing for romantic love. To be fucked up by someone, and not yourself. To be broken hearted because of someone, and not because you hate yourself.
Okay, both can be harmful. But it’d be nice to love myself and someone else mutually where it’s not an obsession or a crush or a one-sided love. I’m not asking for a fairytale or a cutesy love story. I just want to shower someone my love while […]
Why are we like this? Why do we think like this? Why do we eternally succumb to this mental torture that we really want to get out of, but sometimes just can’t.
Nothing makes sense right now. What I have done to deserve something like this? Why do we live, only to die (and don’t give me that to appreciate life and how short lived it is reason)? Why do we exist, and why are some people fine (I know they’ve had their own problems but they’re at least mentally okay) and why do I feel so fucking damaged?
I was told once I just had to find […]
Hello to old friends and new. As you can see im not dead or in prison which i guess is a good thing. ( depending who you ask ) i haven’t been on in awhile, trying to be strong for eveybody else lmao. Anyways i do pop in to read post now and then but had to post today. Like many people, this is my vent. I get a lot of good advice, kind words, and a whole lotta ” shit ” off my chest. Its been 4 years today that GOD took my oldest son. He was 21 […]
I used to be the kind of girl who could find beauty anywhere. No matter how pitiful, shitty or something was, I could name at least one positive thing about it. Truthfully, I sucked at communicating my feelings verbally (even now) but if you handed me a pen and some papers, or just some sort of writing tools, I could tell you how I feel, armed with metaphors and all. I was pretty darn optimistic and positive and pretty much the opposite of what I am now. I was the reserved kind of gal, with reserved feelings that were actually raging inside of me, the […]
I hate Biological Science. Not just because of the professor but because I’m sitting beside our section’s notorious ‘diva’. And I’m typing it right now with her on my side. x
Well, I never thought I would post something like this and honestly its kind of weird but what the hell. As I type this my husband is sleeping next to me, and has no care in the world. Me on the other hand, I carry the weight of all of the care and pain. This is my story.
I am 24 years old, and I currently do not see even a glimpse of a promising happy future. It weird because I am in college and successful at it; I’m smart,have tons of motivation, and can light up a room. But, just as much as I can […]
Happy Wednesday morning, everyone. I went through the effort to check my phone and see what day it is just so I could say happy Wednesday, see, I care that much about wishing everyone a happy day, you can say a lot of shit about me, but you can’t say I don’t care. If you were bored enough to read this and don’t know me, my name is Hailee, hi. If you were bored enough to read this and do know me, hi. Sorry I can’t think of anything more creative to say, and I have been wanting ever so slightly to post on here […]
Today, a guy I met some time ago confessed his feelings for me.
But I can’t feel anything. I kinda feel sad but at the same time I don’t? It’s like, I’m so good at faking emotions that my act makes me believe I feel sad. But I really don’t, inside me there’s just the familiar void.
He thinks I understand him perfectly, but that’s not true. I just listen to what he has to say, and he doesn’t even know me.
What should I do? It’s not even possible for me to have a boyfriend because my parents would get rid of him. And I also don’t […]
I’ll vent some stuff here, so I won’t blame you any wary feelings towards reading the upcoming wall of text. Forgive my English, since I’m no native speaker. Feel free to look for any reflection on your thoughts, to feed yourself with some cheap text for judging its author, or whatever. We both know there’s no real discussion nor influence on this, and despite the appearances making you feel you decide to read this on your own, you weren’t raised thinking your life would come at some point to get reading a suicide posts board.
So, yes. I know I’m going to do it. I’ve no […]
I think too much. I know I think too much and it scares me. It scares me that I can’t turn it off and pisses me off when I’m not in control. I need to be in control. Over the years, I’ve learned the hard way to always be the asshole and to protect myself first at all costs. Yes, that is selfish, but sometimes I think that maybe being a little selfish in life isn’t such a bad thing and then thinking about that makes me feel worse. Some days, I can tune it out a little, on other days I’m overwhelmed, flooded. I’m […]
Autism has destroyed my life ever since I was a child and it doesn’t seem like a cure is anywhere in the near future. My whole life I’ve had great hopes and dreams, to become a historian and travel the world. On the outside I am living that dream. I just graduated from ASU summa cum laude with a 4.o, prestigious universities are offering me scholarships for grad school, and now I am living in Bulgaria, one of the countries I’ve always loved studying and next month I will be travelling to Serbia, another country of interest. It all sounds so great, but I’ve had […]
I like to be creating things, always thinking of weird bizarre maybe pointless but beautiful things. Things don’t have to have a point to be doing them, I do it because I like it. I like hanging out with my friends, even the ones that you can only handle in small doses. Going to parties, spending time with my family, cooking, and gossiping. I go to church as often as I can and say my prayers with hopeful eyes cast at the paintings. I dance around with my music turned as loud as it can go. Try to find ways to sneak out of the […]
Hope is one of the cruelest feelings on earth. It tricks you into thinking that everything will get better, that the present isn’t as bad as it seems, and that those who made you feel like garbage have some redemption.
I really, really hate hope.
I thought my parents were beginning to understand me. I was more wrong about that than I have been about anything in my entire life.
My father wants the addresses of every single friend that I go see. He checks the mileage on my car to see how much I’ve been traveling and if it matches up with what I tell him. He […]
There’s this classmate I have. She has the same dream I had when I was still a human being: to be an animator. She knows a lot of things that I know, she likes anime, her parents support her, she has a lot of money and she really enjoys studying in that university. But she’s very ugly, mean to weak people and talks so fucking loud ffs.
I want to harm her so badly. She has everything I would want to have, and has the opportunity to live the dream. But I won’t let her.
Here’s the deal: if I get to live the dream, then I won’t […]