I hesitate to complain, because on several important metrics I’m doing better; namely eating and sleeping…

but apart from that surface level surviving…. I’m not so sure. I have some promising leads…. which I should follow up on. I tell myself I want to follow up on…. but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Even if I get these couple things off my books…. the fear is more is coming…. and it’s just fruitless. I’m so sick of trying my butt off, and it doesn’t result in anything.

I don’t know if I need to convince myself this time is different…. or if I just […]

Oh the many minds that have loved and lived in and poisoned and held

This body and this brain

A wilderness, a far away universe

Will the mystery remain a gray melody

Reverberating behind my closed eyes?

Growing and shrinking and creating and destroying and broad and narrow

If I cannot love it how I wish

See it through my and nobody elses eyes

I will bid my mystery, my chaos, the mess that I happened to kind of love so greatly goodbye

I will remember

Things I did, things done to me, in the name of love

They had no choice, they all said

Well, perhaps, neither did I

I find myself daydreaming about friendship. I see a person and I think of the potential fun and connection that comes with interaction. I feel so pathetic to daydream about something so simple as a positive interaction from someone my own age.

I am unsettled. Or rather, I am even more unsettled than usual. I received an invitation to the wedding of one my cousins. I haven’t seen him, or any of them, in nearly 15 years. The last time I saw him, we were still both young men, with life ahead of us (in theory). I still had a full head of hair.

I have avoided seeing any of them for all that time, partly because I don’t want them to see what a loser I am. How little I’ve grown or developed as a person. I’m still just as awkward and standoffish as I was back […]

so like i completely forgot about this site for the past two years

with coming back and reminiscing, it’s kind felt like a fever dream

i posted poems that i had completely forgot i had written that could definitely use some revisions

this isn’t me typing out one of those “i’m back!!” posts but i kinda just wanted to share my thoughts; it’s not like anybody was awaiting my return however

i will say that i haven’t moved on from the whole poetry thing really; in fact i’ve been published a few times, one of the poems being one the one i’ve posted here

but anyways i’ve actually been doing […]

I started to thinking again
Should i juat die leaving this world before this year ends
I keep losing what i love
My mom said dont depend yourself on someone
Depend on yourself
I cant
When i dont have anything good left inside me
And thats why i choose to live for my dog
Why you always being so harsh to me
You said i cant even cry when im feeling sad
Even you cry when you have a bad mood
I saw it
But why i cant even tho you know that its only hurting me more
Why are you so harsh to me […]

Can’t sleep, you know.?

I’m not thinking my thoughts, they do their own thing, you know.?

Do I really have to be there tomorrow.?

How much more leave of absence can my doctor prescribe.?

How many times is it okay to think about dying per day.?

Did I really say these awful things today and did they reply with more awfulness.?

Why did I hate my favorite person yesterday and why do I adore her today at Thanksgiving.?

Why do songs sound way more relatable than they used to.?

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I’ve been like this for 3 years now. My memory doesn’t even work anymore, everything is just a blur to me. Sometimes it’s crystal clear but today I barely remember a thing. I started working out and I started waking up earlier… 7:30 AM every day. It’s been three weeks and now I want to die. I thought that if I just kept pushing maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad but today is just not a good day.
Two days ago I felt awesome and now the past couple of days I want to die, and literally nothing changed except that I masturbated a […]

Gratitude is overrated, like many other optimistic/positive-thinking advices. Not everybody can do that. It’s unrealistic, and honestly full of BS (bullshit)

Gratitude has become today’s current hype which everyone seems to be doing, and even keep posting about it constantly on social media. Everywhere you see people always talk about gratitude (& with all other optimistic/positive stuff usually).

It becomes irritating however when gratitude is forced and shoved down our throats, as if everyone should (or must) do that. In reality, you can’t just force other people to keep showing gratitude constantly. Things happened, shits happened; problems, pain, & sufferings happen to some people, which is ridiculous […]

I was in Hawaii with a bunch of friends. Great time – right? Too much booze, lots of laughter. Until I did something silly and one of my friends yelled at me and told me to stop being childish. I immediately shut down and went to my room – on the 29th floor. Sitting out on the balcony bawling I started seriously thinking about jumping. That would teach him, right? I sat there thinking yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. Thankfully the “no’s” won out.

I never thought too much about revenge suicide until then. Other times, other reasons. But revenge suicide is […]

It’s raining. Of course it is. Nothing says darkness than a rainy day in my city. I lace up my shoes and go running anyway. I allow the drops of water hit me to say to the rain god, “not today.”
Before I started running I would have stayed curled up in bed and be afraid to venture out. Nothing wrong with staying in bed curled up on a rainy day, however, I wouldn’t move. I became paralyzed.
Now, I run and run as far as I can to clear out the many cobwebs that still live rent free in my mind.

I’m so desperately lost. And there’s no way out. The only way forward is to let go. Not necessarily of life, but of the kind of life I feel is worthwhile. Accept, and let go. And I can’t bring myself to do it. My mind stubbornly clings to delusional obsessions. Because if it’s not going to be how I imagined, I can’t see any meaning in it.

There may still be experiences worth having out there, if I could just let go of what is lost. But I can’t. I can’t bear to do it. I refuse to accept. And in refusing, I wear myself down. […]

I think I’m probably more into my anonymity here than most users of this site. It feels so good to be able to say stuff that can’t be directly traced back to the person I try to be. But on rare occasions, there’s spill over. I do talk about being suicidal in public forums, and sometimes I talk about things here that absolutely should give away who I am. The beautiful thing is that usually no one cares.

Like, that’s what was cool about the pandemic, suddenly everyone was just getting through today, it was possible not to care and be socially acceptable.

Right, rabbit trails, main […]

inside my mind im screaming outside they see all smiles from my face it hides my cell

I like so many others have questioned our place in this strange place. I grew up and have lived all over the world witnessing first hand suffering of the living on all levels. There is kindness in all of us at some point ( most likely when we are young) but we are raised in a world so lost and angry it breeds hate. Hate towards others because of race,sex religion and ourselves when enough time brews it or injects it into ourselves. I have always punished myself rather than others… I believe that our sickness only makes us the strong ones . MONEY and […]

iam a failure in every sense of the word, but I don’t mind being a failure. Not everyone is capable of being successful but I don’t mind that. Iam happy working menial job but when you live with an abusive family who oppress you it is impossible to find peace of mind. The only way I can find it is to get some work and move out but I can’t do that. Iam incapable. Iam not allowed to get a job. I can’t go out. Iam like a pet dog tied up with chains who’s abused day and night. So the only way for happiness […]