Let’s start by saying obviously I have family that loves me. I’m also fortunate enough for the friends I do have who really care for me. But they’re not with me every night I go to bed. Trying to sleep as the feeling of loneliness eats me alive inside. I do have my pet cat who keeps me company during these restless nights when he feels like it, and I’m grateful for that. I wish I had a girl who would be there through my suffering, and possibly see the good in me even when I can’t. As much as it would give […]

Got nothing. No motivation. Last month for the project. Determines if I graduate, as do a number of other things. Working on this thing all school year just has me indifferent I guess. I remember the thing that I wanted the most out of this project is to make something that I’m proud of. Nothing that is mind blowing or game changing. Just something where I can say “Yeah I helped make this and I’m proud of it.” It didn’t happen unfortunately. I just look at it with shame and disappointment. Something where I feel […]

I had this dream last night, kind of sums it up for me;

My parents had dragged me to a place I’d never been, and they had found us a place to stay with some other families. The specific two things about that place were this;

One entrance/exit, the only way in or out is the front door

The structure was way overcrowded. At night with everyone asleep I would have to step over people to get anywhere

And I just wouldn’t do it. I told my parents I was ready to be done with them, for life. I can’t relax, let alone sleep when I can’t get outside […]

i hate not having money
i feel like my family has a good amount of money and i am grateful but there are so many things that my parents accept that i really cant
i have the biggest goals in my life and for some reason its the reason why im sad half the time.
i wanna be fit and healthy but our shower barely works and healthy food is too expensive
we dont even need to accept such a bad shower, we could just move soemwhere else. its not even fixable.
and i know this is petty but i share my room with my […]

The unexamined life is not worth living.  I live completely alone and have no interaction with other people.  Surely that qualifies.  Thanks Socrates.

I feel like everyone I get close too just stabs me in my back even adults that watched me grow up can become one of the most disgusting people in your life  because people don’t actually care they will take everything they can from you. Your happiness, your will to live, your money, anything they can. They break your trust over and over and because you considered them family at one point you forgive and some of the things they did makes you want to forget but you can’t, the things they did they can never take back not that they actually try to because […]

“Who am I?”

I always ask myself.

And whenever I do
Countless of flashbacks races before my eyes
Telling me that I am this and I am that making me feel uncomfortable on my own skin . Confusing me

“Who are you?”
I ask again
But I don’t really know

“Who are you?”
For the third time I ask myself
And I remember how I used to be
Acting differently between people I meet

And for the last time

“Who are you?” I ask
Still, flashbacks
The memories of me being innocent
Memories of me being a monster
And I ask myself again

“Who am I?”

It’s been a rough couple of years when it comes to my love life. Mainly I was broken up with, because he said he was bored. not only that, but months after the break up I found out that he had cheated on me. So that was two and a half years ago, and now I have pushed away any form of love from anyone. If someone likes me I tell them not to just to keep my feelings safe. I know I’m scared of getting hurt again. But like I also don’t want a relationship because I don’t feel anything for anyone. Like I’m […]

There once was a man from Nantucket…

Who said “I’m sick of people complaining about not being able to work because of “anxiety” or whatever. Honestly, don’t make excuses. Man up and get shit done. Wallowing in self-pity isn’t going to get you anywhere in life.”

And he expounded this thought…

Over and over to one particular person…

Until that person stopped talking to him…

Stopped showing up anywhere at all, really…

And he didn’t feel bad…

And soon he forgot that person even existed…

And lived a long and happy life.

You should try journaling!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try exercise!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try yoga!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try meditation!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try antidepressants!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try cognitive behavioural therapy!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try positive affirmation!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try gardening!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try art!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try music!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try talking to a doctor!
Did it. Didn’t help.
You should try talking to a psychologist!
Did it. Didn’t help.

I think the “normal” thing would be to fear death. That’s what our society has coded as “scary” and to be avoided. You know what you get if you avoid death; old.

I’m 34. Relatively young, which means I have a long decline to look forward to. Sometimes I’m optimistic, maybe there will be less pain down the road. Maybe I’ll be dead before I know it. Other times… 60 years is a long time to have left on the clock. Men in my family, they’re either dead by 65 or live well past 90. I was caretaker to my granddad during his final years, and […]

So long ago. So much lost. Here I am searching for posts that probably don’t exist. A memory of 10 years ago. But here I am again. Searching for the connections that made me feel whole –  the connections that made me feel anything. So many years later and I can’t forget those that meant everything to me. The one opportunity to have someone understand, it meant anything. So many people – some don’t want to talk to me, others died, others lost to time. I can’t forget. I was always here…

I was always loyal, I would always aim to be there. I know I […]

I’m feeling alone. I have nobody who I can talk about my problems. I don’t know anyone who would help me. I don’t have anyone to share my dreams with.

The last time I logged in here I was just some kid in high school, things have been rough these last few months but I wanted to log on and tell all of you to keep fighting, nothing is forever, this time 7 years ago when I was logged on here wanting to die, and now I’m at home happily watching my child play with blocks, smiling laughing away, I could have never imagined my life like this, but I wouldn’t change it for the world, Please reach out if you need a friend

Prayers for my mother today. She’s going through serious heart surgery, still isn’t done.

It won’t load for some reason.

convos with anyone are getting scarce, it feels weird to talk when im in call with a friend or when talking to one of my family members, mostly because i hardly use it nowadays.

so silently, im sinking in stress and puddle of sadness i made for myself. i wanna cry out for help, but would it be worth it? does anyone really care enough to reach out and say “you mean alot to me”? do i mean anything to anyone? i have friends, but i hardly talk to them. the only time people talk to me is when they want something from me. i feel […]

Not sure how to post, first time

I have decided that it’s time for me to go. For most of my life, I have pretended that everything was well and tried to convince myself. But there was always a whole that is growing bigger and bigger. Now I feel constant pain, anxiety, sadness. I don’t want to keep fighting it, I made peace with myself and my choice. I know that I’m going to make many people very sad and they will not understand my choice but I’m already making them sad today by being constantly unhappy and toxic.

I have already decided on how […]

I took them like candy as I wrapped the noose around my neck maybe she would care maybe she would answer if you saw what I was doing but I found I was wrong and that all I would get was a text. She told me a text was all she could give and that her friend’s time was important. That’s all I was my life had been reducing to less than a moment in someone’s timeline. Just like that, I had been thrown away to the back burner by someone I loved someone I trusted someone I thought would be there in my time […]