the sun came out today, literally and metaphorically, dig this;

I went for a two mile bike ride to one of my favorite parks.

played with my dogs

bought grass seed

and did session #1 with my second new therapist of the year.

He said I was “passionate”, and I’m just; “dude, more lined up to work today than has in the past six months, anyone would be keyed up.” I’ve been dead inside, for months, and today was like “okay, I’ll take just this much of a breath”

inside I hate it, can’t trust it. He asked what was keeping me going, as if I had some glimmer of hope, […]

I can’t sleep, and I have to get up for work in 2 hours. All that’s going through my mind is worries, or the same ideation shit. I just want to sleep until this nightmare is over.

Floating through space

Today i received the call back from a job offer and…i didn’t get the job (not surprised). But it still hurts tho.
Not getting [fill in the blank] is a re-occurring theme in my life! I don’t get the job…i don’t get the college course…i don’t get the support i need…i don’t get the loving home i’ve always wanted…and i don’t get the love interest </3

I try so hard but it feels like i’m not going anywhere…as if i’m just floating through the cold and pitch black depths of space with no direction to point towards. I always hear people tell me how talented i am…intelligent i am…how good of a […]

Lately i’ve been feeling empty, I always lie on my bed and do nothing other than my schoolwork. I have friends? Yes. A loving father and a not so loving mother. I have a stable family, a stable home, and a stable future. But I always felt like I was lonely and well, empty. I don’t think being this way is valid by all means but I can’t stop it, i’ve beginning to get less interested in my hobbies that i’ve had fun for years. But now it feels like everytime I do them, the blankness in my mind spreads more quickly. I have commited […]

i really need to kill myself, at least this year or two.

i have no future, i don’t want to be homeless and wander the street for my entire life. i need to get over my fear of death and dying so i can finally kill myself and fulfill my pathetic destiny.

i was born to be nothing, i’m a worthless unlovable asshole. i have a method to kill myself, i just need to actually do it without my paranoia stopping me.

no one is going to save me from this home, no one wants to be around me, i have no life or future ahead of me. […]

I can’t explain why it does but it does. I realise all my flaws, I know them too well. I moved on and accepted them in most cases so I should be fine if someone calls me useless if I already know I am right? Well, no. I’m gonna burst into tears. I have no idea why I do this or how to stop. If I was at a therapist and they told me I had misophonia and stated the symptoms I’d absolutely bawl my eyes out right as they opened their mouth. I can’t explain why, I know it already so why […]

I’m tired of people saying they care and then not being there for me.

You just care that I’m not dead.

On this day in 2016 i had planned to commit suicide. 4 years later and my world is completely different. I have learned to love myself and i am better version everyday AMA
byu/What-do-you_mean inAMA

At this point it’s kind of annoying of me to come here over and over and still haven’t died. I’m tired of being an inconsiderate asshole when my suicidality comes knocking and being useless in the process too.

My partner said nobody would stand being with me and I kinda dont care. If I’m single it’d be easier for me to die. I don’t have her to think about anymore. I don’t have to care for her. I can be as selfish as I could by just killing myself and leaving the mess to somebody else to fix.

I can’t fix this relationship. I can’t […]

I don’t want to eat today. I already had a drink, that probably won’t be my last. I’m going to roll one here in a moment… Idk, i might cut. At least it would be a different pain…

Staying alive is just too much work and it’s pointless anyway!

i have an abusive older brother, im sure i’ve mentioned him in some comments/posts, thats why i desperately look for another older brother. or at least someone that i can look up to, someone who cares about me. i’ll be vague for the time being, im afraid if i go into too much detail with what my brother did to me and the aftermath, i’ll probably get in trouble.

near the end of 2017, i believe i was 12-13ish and was in middle school. i dont know why i was called in to the offices, but they did a home checkup on me. as in, they […]

I’m just so tired…tired of having to smile when all I want to do is disappear. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I feel so numb, like I am underwater and can’t find the top. I don’t want to burden anyone. I really just want to stop feeling anything at all.

Androgynous?

Today i went out clubbing after months of covid lockdown…and i had like a super great time partying after being locked up for months! But i also had some moments that made me feel a bit off…i tried to remain as unbothered as i can be and it helped, since my night wasn’t ruined in the slighest! But it did make me think a bit.

It started when i walked into the club and out of now where this girl was all smiles and started dancing/hugging me, complimented me on how i looked and then surely enough she started mentioning my gender and how i looked […]

Great! i did it again! and I’m sorry. I know i promised that i would do it… But you don’t understand how hard i tried to hold back. But you cant just stop something your addicted to! Now i look at my wrists and think ‘I’m just going to get scolded’ so i wanted to say goodbye… and… I’m sorry i failed you once again, Jun. I always let you down! How many times have a promised that i wouldn’t do it? you’ve lost count, haven’t you? yeah well, i have too. Have a good life, Jun. I’m sure it will be a […]

Earlier today, I thought I had the rational path to my death. I had the thought that I could throw myself entirely into something, then when that fails, let the failure consume what is left of me. Problem; you can’t plan to fail. So I can’t throw myself at something unless I’m getting something out of it, and that sort of goal doesn’t exist.

I’m really working on it now though, not recovery, recovery is worthless. I’m going to either escape or end, and I don’t care which, only that it needs to come soon.

I don’t think more pain will work. It would dampen my rational […]

I planned to end it a couple years ago when I was in high school , but now i’ve graduated from college and started University. Everyday, at the back of my head, I struggle to imagine a future for myself because I feel like i’m way below average and I won’t be able to make it in the working world. I choke on my words when talking to anyone I’m not close with and I feel like a social failure. My thoughts of ending it were harsher than they were now but I still dream of dying everyday.

My life is actually not bad but I […]

I’m male
I’m married to a caring woman who doesn’t really know.
I’ve always felt hurt.
Everyone in my life has left me behind at some point.
Family, Friend.
I’ve managed to hold back the nothingness for so long.
I like the pain because it lets me feel.
I lost all the children I tried to conceive.
I lost all the children I raised.
My parents told me that they never wanted me.
I feel like I don’t have any right to complain.
My body is starting to break down.
My joints hurt.
I feel physical pain every day now.
I know that my […]

i wish time would pass faster… maybe that wont do anything though…
i miss you but…. im sorry. i just cant talk to you. if you wanted to message me sure, ok ill think about it. but i know youre not going to.
im better off with an isolated life anyway.

When I was about 12 years I took my first attempt at my life, lucky for me I didn’t cut deep enough. However this started the habit of cutting myself to have a feeling of “release” of my stress and depression. The reasoning for my depression was my mother, she neglected me most of my life and beat me, I still don’t know why she did this. I knew my dad would’ve taken her to court and let me stay with him because he loved me, but I stayed so my younger brothers wouldn’t have to deal with what she did to me. But I’m […]