If I truly wanted to kill myself I think I would have done it by now. It has been on my mind for years now, but I just keep lying to myself that things will get better. I am constantly fixing one problem in my life just for another to arise. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am out of options.

I’ve been fighting this off for decades. I’ve had a couple of failed attempts not because I didn’t make a real effort but because something always happened to stop. Now, I’ve lost everything which I had gained and nothing left has any value except my children but that’s no longer enough. I want death and to be out fem this pain and suffering. The reasons are numerable but the answers are empty as to why to keep going. I just want out. I don’t know why I’m writing. I suspect it’s just to get through the next moments and maybe the day. If I can […]

I truly am.

I’m sorry for being concerned.

I’m sorry for caring too much.

I’m sorry for being so attached to you.

I’m sorry for putting your happiness before my own.

I’m sorry.

I cannot take it anymore. This year I have experienced the loss of two friends, my grandad and my closest friend. I cannot cope with any more loss. Nobody cares that inside I am drowning and cannot cope all they see is themselves and all my mother can talk about is the one loss she has experienced this year. Anything I say is wrong and I am a failure I just want to die

Another cold day, the sky is still grey. Everyone thinks I’m gay…………and it pisses me off!

People and their phony words and phony friendships.  They say they are there for me but when I reach out to them, they hang up on me, or never return my phone calls.  Like tonight.  Thanks for not being there for me you liars.

I’m in so much pain and am all alone.  I have no one in this world, a world of 7 billion people, and not a single person I know truly cares about me.  How fucking lonely is that?  I don’t have a single true friend is this world.

I don’t believe anything you say to me anymore. You lie so much. And I feel like I’m nothing to you. Day by day you push me away more and more and I wanna just disappear. You act like you’re better without me. Maybe you are. Maybe I iust need to leave.

I’ve been depressed for only three years now and I have been in therapy and in treatment for two years and a half. I have been hospitalized 5 times in the past 2 years. I’m only 18 and I have felt enough pain to last a lifetime. I have tried so hard to get better, and nothing has changed, and I’m not sure if I can keep trying. I just want everything to stop. I don’t know what to do. I failed a suicide attempt in February and I so badly want to do it and succeed this time…

So, I have two large tattoos on my arm that I fucking hate. One is a pink riot grrl tattoo with a skull and crossbones and the one underneath my arm says “stupid ******”.  I already know that I am crazy it runs in my family. I was conceived in a state mental hospital. So I sort of am naturally inclined to fuck up already. which sucks because I am a transgender and I have a stupid ****** tattoo. and I really only got this tattoo out of self harm and too scare the shit out of people who would try to attack me for crossdressing. […]

I have shared with a few closer friends that I intended on ending my life recently, and of course they all wanted to stop me. I am struggling daily with the decision, but what I have found astounding from people is that when I try to find some way to do something positive, or productive with them (in order to move life forward and not think about suicide), they don’t show much interest at all. If I mention suicide, they are concerned for a while and ask what they can do. However, when it comes time to follow through… in fact a few seem to […]

I have not had suicidal thoughts. However, I know the pain of loneliness and the feeling of being hated and not being wanted. I know other people that have had suicidal thoughts. It is not worth it. There are many other alternatives for the pain, and there are many other people who care for you, even if you don’t think so. And if you think you do know that there is no one that cares for you, you still have one person. Me. I may not know who you are or what you look like, but I can tell you that you are a living, […]

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of life itself. I’m so tired of not being good enough for you. I’ve tried so hard to be everything you wanted. It’s not enough. It will never be. And it’s torture. Everyday. To feel like you’ll never love me for who I am.

Is it weird that I don’t want to stop cutting? Like it’s been a part of me for four years. When I tried to throw my razors away I literally cried. I feel as if I deserve everything I do to myself. Like cutting isn’t a cry for help or a cry for attention. Cutting is just a coping method or a punishment in a way. It’s hard to explain. It’s just so confusing and ughhhhh.

“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.”

I’m not ok, I’m very far from ok. I’m am more then broken and even more then shattered. I’m don’t feel alive anymore and haven’t for a long time now, many days I have to remind myself that I am still here. My life and life situation is extremely complicated so I will do my best to explain. The worst and most extreme trauma is recent but I’ll save this for last. There are many parts of my life that effects me to this day so I’ll starting from when I was a child to present day and do my best to explain thing simply. […]

They really do. They hurt so much that sometimes I really wish I could be all alone in this world. I wish I had no family or friends, that I could live entirely on my own. And sometimes I envision a future where that’s how I really live. Phone calls to my parents, occasionally, gifts mailed out during the holidays to some of my relatives, but nothing more than those few interactions. Nothing face-to-face or substantial. The only downside to this grand future is that I am inherently extroverted, and isolation feeds my depression and anxiety and ultimately makes me feel worse. I need people […]

With a new year approaching I can never help but to ponder. Ponder the years gone by and the year to come. I’ve gotta admit for the most part looking back I feel three emotions above all others. Pride, embarrassment and sadness. Pride at coming this far, despite picking out a go date, more than once, despite getting hold of method after method, most painless and most sure fire. Despite every descision I took that screwed my life up I somehow stayed with it. I’m gonna be proud about that if ye don’t mind. And embarrassed at the way I usto be, way back when. […]

It’s important to acknowledge that every person’s justification for suicide is valid and should be respected, whether your suicidal tendencies are a product of an abusive environment, deprivation of vital needs (such as social needs, romantic needs or the lack of care and appreciation from others), or financial complications, physical health impediments and decline, or even if your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner has left you or you stubbed your toe and that’s thrown you over the edge, every reason is valid. Suicide is entirely subjective and is construed in a different way by each individual. Humans are innately logical creatures, the only deviation from this is decided by […]

Mh.. I want to share this now..

Life has no meaning, it’s only a shitty story with a happy start. Im jealous that i’ll never see the things like the other happy people do.

It’s a shame that I cant do something right… The only thing i ever wanted was to do something right.. That the people i love the most would be proud of me..but.i guess that’ll never happen.

My mom was never proud of me and she never will.

But im over it now.

The people i love will die. And i’ll die too.

Live isn’t for everyone.

Live isn’t for me.

This live is just sad. Thats my opinion. Everything […]

I lost my mom (almost) 2 years ago and ever since then every thing about me has changed. I withdraw further and further in and have no interest in staying connected. I feel trapped… I have 4 kids and I couldn’t do that to them. I have thrown myself into my kids activities just to keep busy and my mind silent.

The busy schedule also helps me have an excuse to not hang out with friends. My family, friends and boyfriend think I have an aversion to fun now. It’s not that I do, it’s that I just don’t feel joy anymore. How am I supposed […]