today i smoked the last of my weed in a awsom pipe i found kicking around the house today i met a new guy whos odvs a shrink but hes a yank and “hip and cool as was in us airborn” hes ok to nice though… today…. today i cryed cos im in tret of loseing the girl i lov theres biger problems in the world than my love life tthat i haft to worry about like my frends who is crying cos she was raped on the 5 haveing been were shes at i know how shes feeling it neverchanges all the people cry the […]

When the venom toutch my soul
A pice of me dies once more
If I keep this up I will be gone
And every drop that comes dripping down
Makes me less and less who I really am
It the destroys the bad
And leaves me in nothing
Theres nothing left
After it all has bled out
Im nothing more than the numb inside me

 

just a poem I write a while back xx

I need someone who wouldn’t judge me on my past..

someone who can understand why I am broken..

who understands why I binge drink so much

who gets why I cannot trust that well

 

just someone who can hold my hand and say everything will be okay…

 

why is that so hard to find?

Sunrise this morning as seen from offshore the east coast of Florida.

Enjoy.

Fish bit well too.

BIG stuff.

Enjoying my last days….

All your empty smiles

All your broken dreams

All your willful desires

Are floating down the stream

You say I can make it

You say that I’m strong

But all these scars only prove

That you are very wrong

Because I know what is true

I’m bound to die a lonely girl

Always feeling blue

I just keep on walking

One step then another

Hoping I am going

In the right direction

But all the signs say opposite

Where am I

I wonder

I’m stuck in the awful place

That is called my home

Where all my demons try to suck my soul

So please don’t try to tell me

That I’ll be alright

Because I know what is true

I’m bound to die a lonely girl

Always feeling blue

There […]

If you don’t like to hear ranting, this isn’t the post for you. Like the title suggests, I just needed an outlet where my father couldn’t read and use my words against me.

 

So, I learned of my acceptance as a university employee back in March of this year. I told my father that I would be getting an apartment and that I would do this and that. Well by April, I had moved in and gotten settled. I realized that the university hadn’t provided certain things like they had originally said they would. The only thing I really care about is the couch. I was […]

For a long time I’ve been hanging by a thread. Only here to make my daughters life worth something. Tied here because her dad died of bronchial pneumonia whilst I was pregnant.
Now because I cannot even put food on the table for her, I am having to look for someone who is capable of doing so.
I will be so calm, happy and relieved, at the same time scared, worried and sick that my daughter will have to endure this life with someone she doesn’t know and without both of her parents.
I tried to get a job, none pay anymore. Job centre has […]

I find that throughout my day as Im cringing while thinking of my life and mistakes, I have these uncontrollable outbursts of saying fucked up shit. Like I will randomly just say to myself “kill yourself”, “you should die”, “Im already dead”, ” fucking kill me”. Then I freak out and go ” why did you say that”, or ” dont think that way”. Its really annoying and its like im suicidal automatically, whether im happy or not. I just want to be the real me again. It literally feels like I dont know who Im looking at when I see my own reflection.

My Dearest Collin

In the time that has passed since your death, I have struggled with why you did it…why you killed yourself.  You had no mental illness. You didn’t struggle with depression.  You had no previous attempts or cries for help.  You had a loving girlfriend that wanted to marry you.  You had a good job, good friends…a family that loved you.   So you had received several speeding tickets and lost your license.  So you got caught driving on a suspended license and extended the suspension of your driving priveledges.  So, you drove your inebriated friend home from the bar because he was in no shape […]

I know a lot of people can feel depressed and don’t necessarily want to deface their body as an escape mechanism. Try writing. That’s what I got into and it helped me so much. I know some people here are a fan of lyrics an relating to them. I have an Instagram account (for now) where I post my stuff. Ill leave one here for you guys to check out for now and if you like it feel free to check out my Instagram 🙂 it’s @_brevity.

Also guys, if you ever just want to chat, go right ahead and message me or email or comment […]

Most of the time, I feel alone. Only 1 or maybe 2 friends understand me, or they are faking it. I just want to be happy. I’m 20 years old and I’m verry communicative person, I made others happy when they are sad, but when I’m sad and alone, most of them doesn’t care, few of them say “It would be alright” ,but that’s not what I need…I just need a person that will talk with me, help me to get trough this hard time that I’m in now…ahh, I just need a person that I can hugg,know that there is someone to help me […]

so after  a rough time with a bunch of nasty guys I decided to just live on my own, not let anyone in. I met a few guys and turned them down, too many awkward silences and dumb conversations. but one night  I went on a date with a guy and for once he was a gentleman, he booked a table and he wore jeans that didnt show his bum, we laughed and i nearly cried laughing and there were no moments of scilence and he is clever, so clever and we talked about politics and current affairs and horses( we both have horses)but then after  i […]

Why does it hurts so much to wake up?

Its because we were having a good dream, or just becuese we return back to life.

Today i woke up and drank the first pill even before breakfast, i headed to the kitchen asking myself if that living full of pills its living at all? Well i took some breakfast and returned ti bed, yes thats where i am, i want to cry and i want to scream, but shhhh, there is more people in the house we are not alone, and as the time go by i still look to the backyard, seeking, hoping to se something […]

Yesterday my mom, brother, aunt, and I had a barbeque. I was washing a pan that my mom was going to put food on and asked my brother to hold some of the dishes because there was no space on the counter. He then asked me if I could do anything right. I told him to finish washing the pan (my aunt watched this and got mad at ME) and stormed outside to sit next to the barbeque. I told my mom about it and she pretended like nothing happened. I told my mom that smoke got in my eyes to cover my tears. I’m […]

 

Armitage
Tonight I became
The eternal
Morlock

My tale
Fated
As if
Written

I went
Bitten
Never
Coming

My wings
One day
I will cry
Again

Archangel
Michael
Has come
For me

I hope
We shall fare
Our escape
Pray to well

The undead
The journey
Is to the
The afterlife

If you can cry
You are alive
Only crystal
Will farewell

Until the next
Thousand year
I will see you
Again

Ten is freedom

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=An9j2MPN24Q

I feel so empty

No, thats a lie

My thoughts fill me

spilling from my mind

Is everything a lie

Will I ever get the truth

Wasting away my time

Trying to help you

 

Im the one to blame

I saw it flash before my eyes

Visions of this happening

Before it came in time

Please just take my life!

I need to dissapear!

Im not comfortable in my own skin

I need to get out of here…

Watch as the bloods spills

Razorblades been stained

Take some more pills

Quiet the pain

 

 

 

 

 

 

I honestly believed I would never feel suicidal again or cut mysef, but lo and behold both started again today. Its been two years since I cut and 3 since my last suicide attempt. Also I was positive I would never feel like this because of a chick, but as im sure you can guess, that is the reason. It might be because I had to talk her down from suicide 3 nights ago. She just got “raped”, maybe(pathological liar), and i was the only one she wanted to talk to, I spent two nites with her just holding her. But we hadnt even seen […]

This is what I imagine in my head. Every single day. This is why I can’t smile. Is it wrong that sometimes this is the only thing that makes me happy? That one day humanity will cease. What is wrong with me?

It’s funny how things work out. I’ve been through so much pain and so many trials. I never thought I would make it this far. God gives you darkness to build you up, then He gives you light to show you that you made it. My boyfriend has brought me back to Him and showed me there is something much bigger than my problems. I stay reading the Bible and I stay in prayer while he does the same. Thing is in a relationship, “if he’s not helping you to become a better person, succeed, and be happy, you need to let him go.” I […]