Honestly just feeling like I need to get this out somewhere

I’m really struggling with life at the moment

I’m finding it hard to continue putting effort into friendships and relationships with people I love Sometimes I feel it reciprocated.
But most of the time I forget my shit worth and step out of line and and expect more.

I very much want to go and be gone
All this, is just sometimes hard to know how to live in.

So yeah
I’m too tired to care and I want to go

I feel like I’ve destroyed my life by living unhealthy, being an on and off again alcoholic, doing everything in excess, these things have led to a lot of suffering.  I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live in extreme pain either.  I’ve been able to cure myself before so I’m hope I can again.

I dont want this. YOU want this. NOT ME! This entire time ive had my feet dug in saying no no no no no. Good, now you have what you want. They know im suicidal and “want” to “help”. Now leave me alone because i dont want them. Ive done just fine without them until now. I dont want them, i dont want my meds and i dont want help.

At this point i just want relief so leave me alone

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Death is my safe place. Any “safe”, “supportive” place is the opposite. I’m too much for any “helpful” place. Being with my friends is of no help and just makes me feel worse. I feel trapped and powerless in my current relationship. Alone I’m left with my thoughts, and apparently i have a weird sleeping thing so a “good” night for me means nothing plus i have insomnia.

I have nothing, no where, with anyone. Not even in an unconscious state am i in a ‘safe place’.

Death is my safe place. I have too much pain in the living world yet you expect me to continue.

I […]

Last week, because the provider of my care is a charity and reports their progress, it was semi annual review of my treatment plan. I was doing really well at the time, had started to step down the meds and the alcohol, it was briefly starting to feel like I had sufficient input to my life.

I don’t even have a great crash story. I know that what happened was at some point I was up until almost 4 AM, and since I don’t have any time sensitive work to do, I was going to sleep until noon. Around 7:30 I was woken up, my wife […]

By: yours truly (a sick in the head teenager)
TW ig idk how to do this lol um sh suicidal thought and questioning everything and also SA

Why? A question I find myself asking quite often. What is the point in anything if its all nothing. In 150 years, everyone who is alive at this moment, will be dead. Including yours truly. Though it is up to us how we spend those years. A sad realization my 13 year old self has come to is, in lets say 500 years, no one will know of my existence and probably yours as well. Unless of course you […]

Being social while depressed

As anyone who is depressed knows…being social is very hard while depressed. When i’m in public i often feel very depressed…especially when it seems like people are having the time of their life and i’m here being depressed wondering what’s wrong with me…why can’t i enjoy life. This thought can cause me drift off completely…it kind of feels like an out of body experience. And not to mention feeling extra-extra irritable and wanting to avoid people while in public.

Today i went clubbing, which was hard for me to do. My best friend asked me to come along and i thought i’d give […]

My death wish is the only constant thing through my life, bad days, good days, best days, my secret wish is always right here through all of them.

I have conquered most of the challenges that came my way through my 35 years yet my main goal still eludes me due to the knowledge of its consequences to others.

I don’t want to hurt those who care for me but on the other hand I live an unwanted (and empty) life because of them.

Should I estrange myself first? Is it better to be hated, missing, gone or plain dead? And why do I care for the difference, […]

I’m in a psychotic episode, psychosis . I can’t feel what is real or not.

Let me clarify this for you. I AM suicidal not i WANT to commit suicide. At no point did i say i wasnt ok and suicide is just a thing. Chill the fuck out.

“this medication is kind of helping but not”
“can you manage it?”
“yes” (who the fuck is going to say no. ‘no i cant manage my suicidal thoughts’ seems fairly obvious)
“ok then just get your Rx from your family doc and if it gets worse call me back”
i see we settle with mediocre. they want us to feel like we’re cared for but when they send us packing in a “kind of helpful” state it really does just reinforce that they dont care. all that matters is that we arent dead and our loved ones arent crying. forget us.

anyway in accordance with my […]

Lots of time to think, ruminate, and consider my next step, both done already and yet to do.

I’ve been thinking about anger, because my whole life I’ve been angry. I redirected the energy towards other projects, and one by one they self destructed. I think I was just keeping a lid on my anger long enough to develop better skills. Now, I have the skills, I have the time, it might be the season in which being angry is a good choice, not towards violence against humans, but violence against oppression.

I don’t want to break the law. I have a clean record, and everything will […]

I’m sorry I am such a loser.  An ugly pathetic worthless loser.  No one should ever have to see me or hear me.  Fuck you pathetic loser.  Fuck you.  I hope you fucking choke and die.  Fuck you.  Fuck you.  Fuck you.  You are such a loser.  No one likes you.  No one cares about you.  No one will notice when you are dead.  You should have killer yourself when you were younger you stupid fuck.  Now look at the mess you have made.  You’re such a fucking idiot.  Everything about you is so stupid and irritating.  You do nothing for anyone.  You are useless […]

Again I am taking my medication and again I am still struggling but am back to not talking. Externally I seem fine but internally my problems are all still present.
My psychiatrist asked if I could handle it, yeah I was going to say no and get sent to psych, PASS!
Idk, maybe I can use this to silently go away. I hate talking about my problems anyway.

Reconnecting with some friends and i just feel more alone…

I’m not sure my ex best friend and i will ever click like we use to.
Her bf/my ‘bf’s friend is my ex so i feel i have to […]

Everything is like a mind game. Why are we even alive. Life sucks and I don’t like this fake game

Everything feels fake and I feel like shit because of it. I have something real in me, call it consciousness, and I recognize the fake things and people that I’m surrounded by. Even my body might be fake. What do I mean by fake? For example something that is created from something else. For example, a chair made from the wood of a tree but it goes deeper because it feels like even the trees are fake. Trees, houses, animals, you name it

Nearly everyone will try to take advantage of you, and they may do it in sneaky and deceptive ways.

They may try to find out information about you, not because they are interested, but to see how vulnerable you may be, and how sensitive you may be. They try to find all the so call ‘weaknesses’ in you. They will soon use this information to best determine how they will take advantage of you.

They may seem nice at first, or even seen nice for quite a while. But you’ll end up seeing the cracks sooner or later. Appearing nice might be a stepping stone to taking […]

There is nothing here of value, but we know that’s what you intended. Nothing that you can give me, but: by everything did you try to convince me that I needed you. And you succeeded …somewhat. Can’t even say it was hard for you. The form that I come in makes it so easy for you to do what you want with me. The form that I come in makes it so impossible for me to do anything. So there you sit in your narcissistic glee raping me for all that you can get.
But YOU couldn’t get all what you wanted, I’m not […]