I am not sure if there is a part of me that wanted to feel an urge to live as things get closer, but so far I have not.  The important thing is I am living up to the promises I have made to myself.

a sheet of metal under the skin. limbs freezing up, words disappearing quickly into nothing, sometimes I don’t know if i was truly traumatized, or was I acting it out? the only audience ever in the room, the everlasting presence of a woman sobbing under the bed, anything else other than that I don’t remember.

As soon as possible, as soon as possible, a dead young person equalizes to a failed investment, the quicker you pull away the better. A steady decline without bumps, the image, tainted blue, purple, red, brown, on cold pressed watercolor pads, a locked room. On and on, then every story merges […]

Not that thats anything new,

Anyway

I wish I knew why. I wish I understood.

I dont want to talk about it. I hate talking about it, but its been bothering me.

Sometimes I hate being touched. It makes my stomach upset. But I dont say anything. He even asked if I was ok and I said I was fine. I blatantly lied. I wanted to say no, but I couldnt. I didnt…

I just want to go…
I just want to go ..
I just want to go………
Always miserable.

I never thought I would make it past 22 and yet here I am. I had thoughts when I was in middle school and I would cut myself. of course, my parents saw but they didn’t know what self-harming is. high school and college were okay for me but when covid-19 hit it really messed me up. I felt like I was in the same place in middle school: helpless, hopeless, no friends, and now I’m also unemployed. I hate that whenever someone does not write me, tell me that cannot stay, or takes longer to answer a text message or answer me shortly… always […]

Ah yes, depression. The thing that’s been haunting me all my life, and just gets worse and worse. There were some points where I would get better for a while. But then I would spiral back into that dreadful state. Crashing harder and further each time. Sometimes I wonder, “when am I finally gonna give up?”

Here’s the thing I’ve never told anyone: I want to die. SO badly…..and it pathetic. It feels like a living hell each second I’m alive. And worst part is, nobody really gives a s***t.
My parents, brothers, and even my extended family quickly dismiss my suicidal ideation. I tell them. […]

Is it stupid to commit suicide over someone? Like someone you can’t live without. For the most part have all the family and friends in the world that I could need. But there’s a part of me that is empty without this person. I’m incomplete without them. I’m alone without that person. The emptiness is no longer there with I’m with her but she’s gone and feel like I should go too.

I now kind of know what it’s like to be haunted by an event. I can’t stop mentally reliving the moment that my cat died. Every time I lay down, or just have a moment without much outside distraction I find myself remembering what it felt like when she died, and what her dead body felt like in my arms. at least this hasn’t gotten into my dreams yet, or if it has I haven’t remembered them I hope that doesn’t happen. Not that I’ve been able to sleep very well, with the constant memories of this event and the not having a sheet and […]

Not suicide related

POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING (sexual abuse)

Around 2 years ago I met this guy at a beauty salon who acted in a creepy way and did creepy things.
(Creepy things like grabbing me and kissing my lips and touching my face. He also looked down my dress and asked if my breasts were real after looking at my bra down my dress). I felt like a whore afterwards 🙁
(I bet he only asked this as an excuse to look down my dress, nobody could be that stupid, my breasts don’t look fake at all, nor have I had surgery there).

Reviews on Google also […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

As I sit here and stare into the open.
I wonder why my life is so broken.
No one to wish me well.
Just here suffering in my own Hell.
I know I am partially to blame.
My own actions has brought me shame.
I let those down who believed in me.
Became what I did not wanted to be.
An useless individual with no hope of saving.
Just living to satisfy ones needs and cravings.
Unable to get out of this pit.
Just here sobbing like a helpless kid.

Must i continue living my life this forever?

Won’t it ever […]

I’m getting desperate…

everyone should hate me, im not good for anything….

My 7yrold just said today that he wanted to shoot himself and he said but it would hurt but that he still wants to die. I struggle to be alive as well but it hurts when it’s my child saying he doesn’t want to live. I didn’t know how to respond and changed the subject and I feel so bad about not knowing how to handle something like that. I’m def bringing it up to my therapist. But in my head that put a deadline for my own life. Like if I don’t die, 1 day I’m gonna find my son or I’m gonna get […]

today’s been rough. not sure why, honestly, it’s just been a hard day

i’m pretty frustrated with myself; kinda want attention but also i don’t want to inconvenience people by asking for it. eh, i don’t know

rough couple of days

There’s no part of me left, who I originally was. Nobody in the fucking world is willing to take some time to listen, nobody understands what I’m saying despite myself making perfect sense. I don’t want to write poems draw pictures however the fuck to solve the issue. This anger lingers onto everybody, everything, close friends and family, sometimes I fall into loops of thinking about
of course I won’t and I’m just being a terrible person

I don’t know who I am or how I feel, as of now it’s just a loop of imagery. I’ve turned into a horrible person. […]

So my drunk son, now 39 seems to believe I’ve never been there for him despite the fact his own mother walked out of our lives when he was just 2 years old so I raised both him and his sister since birth. He likes to wallow in self pity and play the victim after racking up multiple DUI and other charges. The kids mother has NEVER so much as offered a single cent to their upbringing or well being
Anyway, I believed for a long time that I was an inadequate father and some time ago I quit drinking and got myself into […]

One of the most puzzling things to me is that people show up at memorials and cemeteries with flowers, and they talk to the plaque or headstone. What’s the fucking point there? You’re only talking to yourself, those remains can’t hear you. Those remains can’t appreciate the flowers either.

I think most people are in denial about the fact that they are going to die someday. It is the reason the concept of the afterlife appeals to them, a “better place” makes it easier to say goodbye. Not implying that is true or not, just the social consequences. I think everyone carries around quite a bit […]

i know im “normal”. i know its “fine”. but i cant help feeling fat. i cant help hating myself.  i cant help eating and feeling like i shouldnt.  i cant help but hate every part of me. if i could id never eat again. ive thought about it time and time again. what if  i could change that to this or this to that. but i can never see me liking myself.

They employ words and mind games tactics for more than ten years but they do it in a way that it doesn’t matter that my soul is in pain everyday and I’m always the one to blame if I don’t do it their way. I explain to them my point of view but they can’t help or understand it.