the process of my body switching from being completely numb to being so tense to then going back to nothingness repeats and repeats until i’m pulled so tight in every direction and aching in every muscle that i can’t even tell if it’s the depression anymore
Reality feels bad. Or rather, my limited perception of what is real feels bad. I have no insight into the ultimate nature of things. But there are times when it seems like my delusions about life on this rock are pierced by glimpses of deeper truth. And the more clearly I see, the worse it feels.
I can totally understand people who cling desperately to religion or ideology or cultural narratives to protect them from that kind of insight. My mind is constantly trying to do it too – to construct a narrative where everything can be worked out well and fairly and no one needs […]
Heute ist der Tag der Tage, dachte ich; vor ein paar Tagen, an meinem Geburtstag; da wollte ich es beenden. Das Leid, das sich durch mein Leben zieht. Hat leider nicht geklappt. Nochmal auf diese Weise werde ich es nicht probieren. Heute wird es drastischer.
Ich denke das ich schon mein ganzes Leben suizidal bin, nur hätte ich es bis vor 9 Jahren nie zugegeben; aus Angst meinen Schöpfer, den ich sehr liebe zu verletzen. Liebe die ich erst für mich finden müsste. Dich dieser Glauben ist passe und ich glaube an keinen anderen Gott als den in mir.
Wie ich in diese Welt […]
When I feel absolutely depressed I don’t ever cry, I just carry an emotionless expression and start drinking to fake some kind of emotion or put on some kind of confident act. But today was different and it felt good, I drove home after a stressful day at work and just broke down crying, and it helped that I was by myself because I could keep crying without anyone telling me “You need to man up” or “what reason is there to even cry about.” I didn’t have any of the judgement, just me allowing me to let it out. God, that felt good. Fuck […]
I am completely trapped in mind and body. I been feeling this misery since this horrible skin condition ruined my life. I never received much positive reception in late middle school and high school. Before that I was so social and popular, my interest included theater/acting, singing. Unfortunately I was hit with the ugly at 14, I developed severe acne not 15 bumps but like 100 bumps all over my face. This set me up to be taken advantage of and verbally abused. People would call me pimple skin, ask why I had so many bumps
Over my face, even people I hung around called […]
I’m back to school. Back to seeing all my classmates living interesting lives, doing interesting experiences, socializing and having fun. All while i observe from the outside, since i have absolutely no social skill. I have no friends anymore. Already i had few, now it’s down at 0. The words that i said today to other people could be counted on the hands. I’m wasting my life doing nothing that i like. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do another year like the last one. Nothing interesting, no one to talk to, just studying, day after day, it’s just that, with more and more […]
please forgive me, i didn’t mean to trigger or hurt You in any way
: (
english isn’t my mother tongue & i do a lot of transliteration in my head
i also haven’t really dealt with that many people in some long time, my conversation skills aren’t at their best i’m sorry
: (
NO IM NOT FINE!!! im pissed, hurt, sad, broken, crushed………..
I’ve been feeling pretty shitty about myself lately since I feel ungrateful because I know I have a life that many others wish they had and yet I still want to kill myself. I’ve also been disgusted with myself since I feel so obnoxious, I’ve been telling myself I’m stressed when other people have it far worst and wanting things to be different when I have everything I need. On top of that I’ve been feeling guilty since everyone around me thinks I’m positive and confident when I’m really the opposite by not denying these things am I not lying not only to the world […]
Fits of rage
I have been suffering with depression for quite some years now. It causes me to lose sleep, lose weight and takes with it my drive to get anything done. But with my depression also comes allot of anger…at times for understandable reasons and other times just for minor inconveniences.
I often experience intense fits of rage and at times i’ve broken my own belongings, more often i shout at the top of my lungs hurting myself (my left hand still hurts from last week). The rage i experience feels so intense…it feels like electricity is coursing through my head, as if i’m about to […]
I’m literally gonna explode. I want to screams so fucking bad but my family is around so I don’t arouse suspicions that something is wrong. I’m gonna have a heart attack and pills or meditation isn’t going to do shit. Even venting on here isn’t relieving it. Oh my god this so fucking painful.
I don’t want to take my meds anymore. I hope the insanity kills me
She says she wants to end it all when she’s all alone in her room
She cries
The way she feels inside is too much for her
When all you got is these four walls
It’s not that hard to feel so small
Or even exist at all
How come no one heard her when she said
Maybe I’m better off dead
If I was would it finally be enough to shut out all those voices in my head?
Maybe I’m better off dead
Better off dead!
Did you hear a […]
a blade, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and her. they’re always there, they mark me, stop me from being happy. being happy gives you something to lose. i like having nothing to lose, i can do whatever i want and i won’t care about other people’s opinions, theirs don’t stand a chance against my own anyway. i forget about the hate i have for myself. because at the end of the day, i’m just gonna burn it out of me.
i deserve it anyway apparently, to be scarred for life
Love makes us truly human.
Hi again everyone, never thought I would write this title
I really thought I’ve found the love of my life almost 3 years ago, we were going to get married in 6 months, then he suddenly told me that he didn’t love me anymore 2 weeks ago, that I wasn’t his best friend and that he cheated on me with this girl from work. He told me horrible thing and treated me so badly, now he tells me that he loves her and they are together.
I cant Express the hurt I am feeling, I am not able to wish this on anyone. Today he told me […]
The world tells us so many things, feeds us plenty of lies, and way too much bullshit.
I’m so sick of being sexualized for wearing a plain shirt with bra straps underneath. God forbid, I’m a woman, and GOD FORBID I wear a bra.
I’m tired of being catcalled on the sidewalk while walking home from the library by 30 year old white men yelling “nice tits” out the car window. I’m sixteen you creeps. Catcalling, is trying to humiliate you, reinforce their own dominance over you; it’s a way of trying to say, “hey, I’m able to tear you down and say what I want about […]
I overthink things horribly.
Take tomorrow, 9/11. I thought its going to be everywhere! Im better off avoiding social media tomorrow. Instant defense mode. well thats offensive!! im sure we can all hear someone saying, possibly you yourself is thinking that. But no, no its not. Let me explain. Those that forget the mistakes of the past are bound to repeat it. And i agree. But theres personal mistakes and then bigger mistakes like ww2, 9/11 (these are just examples ive heard in life. Seems more like a scare tactic in these cases to me) how can a person possibly remember all of that. But we cant […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
or take advantage.
I hate humans.
People are such selfish bastards.
i don’t know where my emotions start and my emptiness ends.
all i do is try to find them at the bottom of a bottle. hoping they’ll show up. they never do. maybe that’s all i’m good for, drinking myself into oblivion.
why do i keep putting myself through this? life, i mean. it’s completely meaningless.
‘what happened that makes you want to die?’ ha, like i’d tell you
‘what ways do you think of killing yourself? nice try
‘suicide isn’t the answer’ you don’t know the fucking question