Hello all, I lurk around here when things get rough. for about the last year and a half, figured I’d make an account. It’s currently 9:15’ish in the morning and I finally feel tired enough to sleep so I’m gonna leave you all a song I resonate with. I don’t know if it’s gonna link correctly, as this is my first post so sorry in advance if it doesn’t x.x
Often, I find myself in this cycle, where I juggle between numbness and suicidal thoughts. I push away people who love me because I’m an idiot, and I hate myself for never being good enough. I’ve been trying to not use drugs as a way to cope, but every day, the idea of using more dangerous methods of self-harm seems to flood my mind in the hopes of ending this anxiety-ridden nightmare I call existence. This is my first post, and I feel weary that this “rant” may offend some people. I’m not used to sharing how I feel. I hope maybe someone may read […]
Over the past three months I’ve been in the hospital, a residential program, and now I am in an intensive therapy program, however, I find myself returning to the same emotional place. This reminds me of a poem I read years ago about one persons descent into madness was symbolized by a raven coming back to him. Well this is how I am now. Each time I try to work one item to get out of this something else goes wrong. It is like I am playing against a stacked deck. My wife leaving me, my health taking a downturn and now my job […]
When guys try to road rage me or wanna race, this is what i feel like yelling lol
Filled up 1 journal worth of venting&thoughts. Got a new journal, this time its a mini one so im sure itll fill up quick. My therapist had me read 1 of my enteries. She liked my writing and how well it flowed almost like a story. But each entry i do looks like it was written by a diff person. Some are just so out there n aggressive or tedious. But i was pleased to hear she liked it.
She gave me booklets to work on that surround my feelings and relationships. Since i always fall for toxic men, im trying to get away from that […]
A war is going on two planes: mental and physical, I’m tired of this soul hurt. Omg, they won’t stop until I’m actually dead from all points of view
They attack me, they oppose me, they have to always be right, they are superior, they see me as no good. They exist, I didn’t create them, it’s a daily struggle.
The last time I attempted suicide, I almost succeeded. I felt it. I had a few moments of actual peace for the first time in several decades. The deep sadness that had been lodged in the back of my throat, that choked constantly choked me was gone The pain was finally gone. I can’t really describe just how those few moments were so monumental to me.
But some family members found me and “saved me.” I was in and out of conciousness while they drove to the hospital. However, I clearly remember repeatedly begging them to let me die. They obviously didn’t listen. […]
It hurts… it hurts to go on and keep breathing. I hate myself for burning every bridge and destroying my closest friendships. I guess in my fucked up brain I thought it would be better to make everyone not care about me now and hate me, then to hurt them later when they find out about my funeral. Not only did I not want them to stop me, I also didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want them to find out about my lifeless body and have to tell my family because no one else knew anything about my family. I burned everything to […]
My family hated me when I chose him.. I just really adored him and gave him all the support he needs, helped him to build his dream – a motor shop business – and gave him a daughter.. I am currently 4 months pregnant and I just knew today that he’s cheating on me.. He’s been humiliating me ever since but I always ended up forgiving him multiple times.. I felt used in any aspects of our relationship.. Because aside from me helping him, I am also helping his family since I have no one to lean on anymore.. Right now, I feel alone, depressed […]
I’m so sick of being me. But I’m also rather attached. What I wouldn’t give for some thoughts and feelings not contaminated by this well of loneliness and despair inside. But if anyone were able to take it from me, I would stubbornly resist. It’s who I am now. I’ve been this way the majority of my life. My formative years. It’s my personality. Despair, pessimism, isolation, and regret for what might’ve been. I can’t imagine anything else. I can’t imagine not hating myself. It’s my only frame of reference for interacting with the world.
how does one fix what is themselves?
i wish i only had depression with a route cause of trauma. at least then once then trauma was worked through i could be relatively ok, but no. i have a personality disorder. and at this point i cant help but laugh in peoples face.
“you arent your disorder” then would you like to tell me why i can look at every single action i make and be able to point back to this disorder?
this is deeper. this is permanent. and a permanent problem, calls for a permanent solution…
I just want to die .. I’m tired i push through it but things are just becoming too difficult… What is the point.. Im past going nowhere.. I’m now just at downhill. My life is down to wanting to die that’s all.. I dont want to fight for it.. I don’t want to puah through ugh.. I don’t want to hope anymore because it’s gotten me nowhere.. I just want to walk away and die
I feel stupid writing this here, but i have nowhere else to say this. So, i kind of developed some serious feelings towards this guy for the first time in my life. I think that they are serious emotions because i have never wanted to be with someone in a relationship before. We text every day, all day and i love it. It has already been a few days since i have seen him because we live faraway from each other. And as time passes my feelings have started to go cold. Now I’m confused if i really have “serious” feelings for him. Is it […]
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I’ve been reading some of the other posts, and I think the arbitrary nature of our predicament is a common theme. I think that the rest of mankind is happily unaware of the brutal realities of our universe. If not, they certainly don’t let on that they are aware of such things. What sort of things?
Humans are fantastically creative. We are creatures of narrative. So when we explain ourselves, it is usually through storytelling. For the majority of written history the dominant narrative focused on spiritual beings who impute a deeper meaning to the actions of humans. There is no […]
I’ve been stuck in a spiraling whirlpool and going deeper and deeper for about 2 1/2 years. Its gotten worse in the last 10 months. I feel such an overwhelming sense of inadequacy, of being a failure, of being a burden, of being useless. It keeps getting worse, and I’ve gotten to a point where I consider suicide several times a week.
My episodes of depression are closer and closer, and I feel more and more alone, but I can’t go through with anything, because I know it will cause pain to those around me, and yet I’m so sick of feeling the […]
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does anybody know what happened to the title area?
I can write the body of the post but I can’t seem to write the title.
It used to be just on the top, below the Permalink in ‘Edit Post.’
But I don’t see it anymore.
Is this happening to anyone else?
Can anyone help?
Thanks.
it’s been a couple months. i’m still not dead (surprise). not feeling great but good enough to log on and type, which is something. got a lot of very important deadlines coming up and a lot of old+new obstacles. feels like God is going out of His way to toy with me and watch me suffer, i hope it’s an amusing spectacle at least. how’s everyone else doing.
I’m nearly fifty now. I have no love in my life, very few friends, and a job that I hate but that pays well so I’m afraid to leave it. I do very little that is meaningful or substantial. The best I can be is useful, in my small and poor way.
Most of the time I feel, alone, abandoned, angry, sad, defeated, and helpless. I have been alone for a long, long time, and I can’t imagine that changing. I can’t imagine having love in my life again – I wouldn’t even know what to do with it. I barely speak to my […]