there are several reasons why it doesn’t seem worth much for me to keep going.

once i get out of this, once i regain control over my mind and my life, i don’t really get any tangible reward. it will be just simply the end of the struggle, that’s all there will be to it. and once the struggle is over, i will be still in the same messed up world feeling even more out of place than ever before.

i somehow ended up thinking about how life is just this massive trap where accomplishing things actually feels like failure because it too […]

I’ve read shit on google about it, but does anyone else have problems with BDD? I’m trying to get to the bottom of why I hate my body so much

1 friend blocked. Another on mute. I’m so done with all this bs. I’m done going to therapy until this problem is dealt with, I don’t care if it takes months. I’M DONE DEALING WITH IT.

I’m NOT going to psych. And it’s not my fucking BPD.

And now I’m waiting for a message from my other friend, “What happened? Are you ok? I saw the post.”
Yeah I’m fine, just done dealing with people. I’d kinda prefer to ignore it all right now if you don’t mind though…..

I’ll spend my weekend getting drunk, high and doing whatever I please.

Becoming a friend of death;

[still no title option admins, so here I am typing my feelings out using outdated self formatting.]

I remember when I was just a little kid. I grew up in a rather conservative christian household. Obviously, it was not a natural fit. Yet there were moments when it almost was. When I joined a drama/comedy group for example, or when we sang specific songs. One such song is called “I am a friend of God”

Like so; “I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, he calls me friend”

Yes, I was aware at […]

i am leaving for a lake trip i guess thats what i could call it.. ill leave in a few hours since its kinda morning now. i have my stuff packed but eh i dont feel to good about it if im being honest, like i had a idea for me and my little brother to go sleepover at our grandparents tonight so we can all just leave together in the morning but i had a freak out (totally my fault..) and called my parent/s to pick me up while my brother stayed the night. me and brother birthday is also the day after we […]

I am 28 years old and I live in Los Angeles. I have PTSD that causes me to have a breathing problem. I have been through so much despair that I unwillingly hold my breathe when ever I am around people. Every one and I mean EVERYONE talks about like I am stupid ,they gossip right infront of me and they don’t even whisper.

They are basically Brittney Spearing me. My breathing problem is not being able to fully breathe in or fully breathing out. I work as a courier in DTLA and I am always being himulated . My breathing […]

That feeling, the overwhelming darkness creeping, the feeling of freshly sharpened nails attached to long slender fingers closing in around your throat.
Being sad or depressed, or grieving, it all gives off the same feeling. Pure, overwhelming black. A black mood some would say.
For me, it comes and goes. Some days I’ll be fine, smiling, laughing, happy. And the very next I can’t find the same joy I did the day before. Repeating the same monotonous tasks day in and day out. I’m too young to feel the way I do. Or so that’s what people tell me. I have my whole […]

I’m sick of shit,sick of friends turning against me,sick of fake people,sick of everything!!I wish I just had an off button I could push!I came close today,real close but something stopped me..tomorrow is another day though so it’ll all just start again.every waking moment is thoughts about not being here anymore..sorry,needed to let it out

This is the first time I’ve posted on here and I am in my early twenties. It’s not like I haven’t struggled in the past I just never knew how to start writing what I’m feeling because I don’t even know. Here it goes….

Ever since I could remember I always felt off in my life. I never felt like I was good enough and thought that I had to be perfect in the eyes of those around me. As I have grown older, I have contemplated suicide but I have realized want death, I just want to disappear. I feel as if […]

The struggle to make a ‘living’ has never seemed worthwhile to me. It’s not that I don’t have a work ethic – I’m pretty damn conscientious, once I get started. I’m even quite bright, in an abstract, head in the clouds kind of way. I like to be helpful where I can. I like things to run smoothly. I have skills – they’re just not very marketable.

What I most lack is any ability to deal with other people’s shit. Ask me to do a clearly defined task that’s within my grasp, and I’ll happily oblige. Ask me to deal with whatever hectic schedule you’re running […]

Life is just a series of things you are not allowed to do.

As a child: BOOM! not allowed to fly, BOOM! no cool superhero abilities, or anything remotely magical, BOOM! not allowed to go where you want, do what you want.

As a teen: You have been taught to want this material Item, you want that social Inclusion too?…but BOOM! money wont let you and social indoctrination is here to destroy you! Romance BOOM! cheated on, heart broken and lambasted for trying. ps. start being a TOOL so you can buy all that.

As and Adult: now you will NEED this […]

I’m basically an almost 50 loser. I have a shit job that pays well enough, but is far too stressful. My closest friend, a person I trusted with pretty much anything, ended our friendship over a fight about something I still don’t really understand. My next closest friend died about 6 months ago in a freak accident. That’s still pretty surreal. I have a few friends that I see sometimes, but we don’t really have all that much in common, besides drinking, so I pretty much do anything I like doing alone. To that, being isolated has most certainly increased my insanity; so much so […]

Not suicide related

I wish my mum would take better care of her diabetes, her eyesight already has complications…
on the other hand, the only way to manage diabetes to restrict yourself alot, e.g. following strict diet.

It’s just awful all around.
I just wish my mum didn’t have diabetes.
I see her as a person. I like her as that. She isn’t a ‘disease’ nor ‘diabetes’.

She’s nearly 70, I feel like such a burden. I’ve tried to help her with her diabetes. I’ve tried to get her eye surgery, everything was explained, even pictures of the eye surgery were shown. She’ll eventually go ‘completely blind’.

I […]

A lifetime of suffering
The pain never ends
The pieces of myself I forever lost
Lost in the abyss
Can’t seem to find myself
It was such a miss
Wrong Decisions
Wrong choices
Was this the motive of my inevitable end
I’ll die in a pool of sin
God cursed me
Church couldn’t save me
My parents couldn’t get through to me
My own worse enemy
Couldn’t face myself
I created my own personal hell
At war with my own mind
No feelings towards anything
Just pain and suffering
A broken man
Who’s gonna fall
It’s just a matter of time
Doomed with despair
Life […]

What depresses me most is how 20yrs of friendship can easily be dismissed. How can 1 continue to work and not acknowledge you and treat you like a stranger? The fact that i never did anything wrong to anyone but my friends move on in their lives and pretend to not know me anymore. I already question my self worth, why keep on kickin me when im down. I never burned any bridges. How is it my fault my life is full of drama? I didnt cause the drama it just happened but now its over. Ill never understand how easy it is […]

The world breaks you: they say it makes you stronger
But I just realised we are just broke pieces and the only reason we’re stronger is because you cannot break the broken.

There is a part of me that feels numb; not dead . And I don’t know if that’s any better, because numbness can be beaten by an awakening right?

But then I think of funerals and how the dead are described as their own habits, how every speech is the same and I wonder if that person in the grave was once numb too.  That life had finally brought them to their knees […]

Depression.
I don’t use that word a lot and it is ironic because it describes my whole being. I still deny it now because of the train of words that it Carries in society [Attention seeker; influenced; unappreciative; ill]

I’d like to think none of the words describe my state rn. I don’t think anything describes my state. I’m utterly numb; I don’t choose to be sad but I plainly am. I know I’m sad because nothing excite me anymore; everything just seems to be a passer of time. I do my best to make people believe I’m okay; because I don’t want any attention.  Everything […]

I really wanted to kill myself again. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, because they’ll think I’m back at square one, that I’m not improving. They’ll give up on me. But remember this; death will take care of itself. It’s what gets me through life. It will take care of itself. Just do what you can in the meantime.

Hi Koalaedi,

I responded to your message within my original post. I’m writing again here in case my initial post is too far back, and you don’t see it.

You can write to me at yescando2019 at protonmail dot com

I’m sorry you were having a bad day, and I think it would be nice to talk too.

Best,
escape2peace

the lower i fall the more constructive i get.

today i had a very weird day. i slept quite well and woke up confused with a blank mind. eventually, after few hours, i started to wonder what happened, what would normally end up in my mind if it didn’t go blank.

i recalled, that yesterday, before falling asleep, after about an hour of thinking, i concluded, that i could still kill myself, solely in an act of rebellion against fate and myself.

so then, when […]