I am going to start writing diary, again. 5 years ago it changed my life; who knows, maybe it will do that magic again.

My heart is blackened,

From what I allow you to see.

But deep down inside,

I just want to be free.

My life has become a nightmare,

From which I can’t wake up
I don’t know how much I can take on,

I just want to give up.
The days are sad & long,
the nights lonely & so endless.
Stuck all by myself,

Truly the most self-hated & defenseless.

How easily it would be for me,

To take it to a premeditated distance.

Cutting off all life forces,

And cease to be in existence.

Then I see my children’s faces,

Crying trying to […]

Do you know what it’s like to not belong anywhere? Every single person belongs to someone else. They have bonds that go back a while. There’s no room for me anywhere, with anyone. I’m too late to fit in anywhere. There’s always somebody better than I am. It’s funny, how all I want is for people to like me yet I have no one to feel at home with. The loneliness nips my insides, constantly reminding me it’s never going to go away. I’m a waste of a human, a failure at life. I don’t deserve the oxygen I breathe, someone else could use it […]

Do you ever feel like you can’t let anyone in? That you can’t tell anyone about your suicidal urges or depression, because you know one day, you’re gonna commit suicide? Like it’s your destiny? And if they get close like that and you self-destruct it’ll hurt them. I know it will hurt them alot. That’s why I made 3 huge mistakes in telling my three friends. Now whenever I go, I know it’ll just hurt them. And people wonder why suicidal people are anti-social. Sometimes you have to push everyone away to save them from the pain.

Do you ever get the feeling that happy people […]

The last month has been absolute shit for me.

After 6 months of being alone in Canada, I’m now back with my “family” for a month. I went to a psychiatrist, got new medication (Lithium, among other things), and I’m going to be admitted to an in-patient facility when I go back to Canada in a month.

I have a month to “relax” and “be with my friends”. Right

I’ve been isolating myself, locking myself in my room. I’ve officially started self harming again. My brain won’t stop, it literally won’t shut up or start working. Everything is multiplied.

To make things worse, I found a note in my […]

There is nothing so whole as a broken heart

I can’t wait for the never-ending holidays to end! Can’t wait for the 1st to come, so everything can go back to normal. Why must we go to a party on the 31st? Why?

Tonight I gave in. I now have four more reminders of the battle i’m fighting, and my demons within. Blood stained wrists, I wish I would’ve never started.

I am just wondering whether there are people who believe they have true friends/ girlfriend/ boyfriend/ family but who are suicidal nevertheless. I am not judging reasons to suicide, I am just interested. Because if there aren’t then getting friends is a no-brainer for suicidal persons.

Tomorrow I’m going to hangout with my boyfriend. I don’t want to be depressed I want to try and enjoy seeing one of the very few people whaci love and can make me happy. So I decided to take my anti-depressant just for tonight so I won’t be mega super sad tomorrow. It’s had a possibility of making me a zombie but at least then I can fake it well enough not to ruin our day together I just want him to hold me in our fort and watch old movies. I think tho that i might be okay tomorrow i hope at least.

A soak in hot water after a great shower is soo peacefull.

I hope you all are having a peacefull day too.

How can I produce carbon monoxide without breathing in the fumes of the formic acid (when it’s mixing with sulfuric acid). I couldn’t stand the burning smell and got out of the car. This is so frustrating I want to die so badly. Should I mix the chemicals together in a closed container and then wait a few minutes before letting lose the CO?

Nobody remembers the little stuff about you

I’m not even depressed right now but I don’t know what happen and what I’m going to do with my life which makes me want to kill myself. My major in college turns out have nothing to do with my passion that I found out later but I can’t  just drop out or my family will be furious. I’m stuck with my life I hate. I want to chase my dreams even it means I need to start over and leave everything behind, have a minimum wage job (as long as I still can pay my bills, eat, having a roof above my head and […]

I probably smelled when I hooked up with him,That sharp smell in the back of your teeth

I don’t know why i always feel the urge to just end it when things go wrong. every fight with my girlfriend, every time something is not quite right i just want to kill myself. I feel like i am broken. i feel like i am living in a constant struggle to be happy. I don’t go a day without thinking about killing myself. i don’t think my girlfriend knows how bad it really is. I recently attempted suicide and was very close to actually dying. you would think she would lay off just a little, she acts like nothing even happened. she […]

I wish I felt normal and not weird all the time

I wish I could sit in the living room and watch tv with my sister again

I wish I had a guy again who gave me butterflies and got me excited

This is my first blog, I just need to say what I feel without anyone knowing who I am.

ive been in this boat a very long time , I feel anger for starters even with the most stupid things.  The anger is so so strong I want to kill. When it comes to touching I freeze and cringe , I almost can’t even touch my wife or dogs without it feeling wrong. To compensate for my feelings I have tried suicide with cutting and pills. Each time I do, the hospital revives me. I still keep cutting myself, hoping that I can bleed to […]