Today I packed my bags, because on monday I’m going in 24/7 therapy. I really hope this therapy will finally work… But I’m also really terrified. I hope I’m able to write some posts on here, because there’s not much ability to get on the internet. Wish me luck guys…

I am falling to pieces.  I cant seem to get my head on.  I am screaming in my room… I FUCKING HATEE MYSEELF!!!! I dont want to hurt myself.  I just want it all to stop. I want some quiet.  I want some quiet.  I want to stop crying.  I want to feel like a whole person.  I dont know what is going on.  I cant do this.  I cant.  🙁

I just caved and wrote to the wrong person.

It had been a while, but i know that writing is at best futile, and at worst, potentially problem-causing.

But just the other day, i had a series of “seemingly connected experiences,” which resulted in… memories, thoughts, feelings i just couldn’t shake, and they wanted control… and i lost that battle. Maybe i forfeited. Maybe i hate my vulnerability so much that i lash out at any little thing that might expose or exploit it. When something is going to hit you where it hurts, the only “right way” to react, is to “go all in,” and either […]

I Killed Myself In December Last Year.

That Christmas There Was No Christmas Tree.

There Was No Happy Christmas Music.

There Were No Family Dinners.

My Friends Couldn’t Keep Their Heads Up,

They Spent Hours In Their Rooms Screaming At Nothing.

Screaming That They’d Do Anything For Me To Come Back,

And I Was Confused Because I Thought, And Believed,

People Would Be Happier Without Me.

5 Months After I Died It Was April.

The Flowers Were Blooming,

The Leaves Were Turning Green Once Again.

Spring Was Starting,

But I Still Hadn’t Seen My Friends Or Family Smile,

Like They Had When I Was Around.

I Started To Think Maybe People Did Love Me.

Maybe I Was The One That Made […]

Scarier, my hallucinations,
Vivider, my dreams.
Deeper, my cuts,
Deadlier, my thoughts.
I’ve been waiting so long for you.
But I fear I am not good enough
For you to love me too.
I want to tell you a secret
If you promise not to tell.
I hate to spread my pain
But my life’s a living hell.
Yes, I do love you
More than just a friend
But I am so afraid
If I tell you, will it be the end?
I can’t afford to lose you
It’ll be the death of me.
And I can’t hold on forever
Say goodnight
It might be […]

I am trapped between living and dying.

I don’t know why I keep fooling myself into thinking that I will ever get better. It always gets worse. I just want all of this pain to go away. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to be happy, I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve been depressed for over 3 years now, and I’m almost 17, and I see no future for me. I’m too much of a coward to end it, but I feel like I should kill myself now. Now seems like a really good time. I shouldn’t be so afraid, I […]

Save Me, Help Me.

Keep Me From My Mind.

I Don’t Know What I’ll Do, Keep Me Out Of Time.

Anybody, Come For Me.

If What They Say Is True, I Don’t Have Much Time Left,

I Won’t Know What To Do.

I Feel The Anchor In My Heart Sinking Even More.

All Alone, By Myself The Sadness Rains And Pours.

I See My Pen And Paper, On The Table Across The Room.

Soon The Pain Will Stop, It Will All Be Over Soon.

I’m Going To Draw A Picture, A Picture With A Twist.

I’ll Draw It With A Razorblade, I’ll Draw It On My Wrist.

As I Draw This Picture, A Fountain Will Appear.

With This Flowing […]

The nights never seem to end. Even if I cover myself up,I feel cold. Empty. I lost my best half over 5 months ago. I gave you my heart. I showed you the person that I truly am. My whole I’ve been afraid of people. They all leave. They all die. And the worst part is that every time someone leaves,no matter how minuscule the friendship, I die inside. It seems I’m at my limit. She was the most important person in my life and still she is in my mind. Time could not be made for me. Now the days are long and dull. […]

I want everyone to know that this is what I wanted, I just want to be dead. I don’t think that me killing myself is being a coward like I used to, now I am positive that those who go through with it is brave. For so long it has taken me a lot of bravery to actually go through with this. Once I read from this website, “In death there is nothing, and in nothing, perfection.” I just want to be perfect for once, by being nothing. My life has been filled with depression and sadness, and I want to feel nothing, forever.

I am […]

This sunken heart feeling, brain drifts off to the nowhere, my life is pathetic

Whether on the way to get some helium or rope or a gun my mind always brings me back home to this miserable place.  I feel an urgent NEED to kill myself nonstop yet I can’t actually go get the tools to do it and actually carry out the act.  This life is literally torture and no one knows how suicidal I really am.  I gotta keep it secret otherwise they’ll throw me in the psych ward.  I should have killed myself years ago..

I am 22, living in Melbourne.  I am studying a degree that will most likely lead nowhere.  I am a fat miserable bastard who just wants to feel useful and to feel loved by someone who’s not obligated to do so.  I have often thought about suicide but have never attempted it.  I have cut myself before.  I am sick of feeling like a disappointment, I’m sick of feeling like I’m too hideous to go outside.  I am an habitual liar and when I’m not either thinking about how terrible I am, drunk or stoned I create fantasies in my head, which is the only […]

I have decided to document my exit on a blog. This will give some hindsight to my circle of people to understand my plight . I am carefully planning my exit after my brother’s wedding so not  to be entirely selfish. So I shall be writing until the D-Day.

Whilst I have been tethering on the edge of committing Brunetticide since my 8th birthday, it has always been at concept level. Something that I would be looking up to, but never had the strength,power, true will to express in the physical realm.

However, these past few months have been a revelation. And it hit me in the face, the […]

I’m cursed with horrible anxiety that leaves me speechless when faced with crowds, new people, and almost every situation I find myself in everyday. I have friends but they’re all online and I’ve never met them in person and I don’t plan on it. Anxiety made me like this. To make it short, anxiety will take over your entire life, destroy it until there’s nothing left, and dance on your grave. Be warned.

iv been here to long iv been posting on this site for to long iv been wrong in the head for to long iv had a lack of controle for to long i been alive for to long im sick of all the cunts and asortid mother fuckers telling me you have s0o much to live for bull shit iv got a broken heart an hole partey of people who hate me and i shit hole for a life and you know whats the worst thing is its the fact that ill wight this and things will stay the same im stuck in a rut […]

I grew up in the most fucked up family. They went to Church on Sunday, but messed with my head all through out the week. Constant yelling and screaming. When I was 9 years old, a man in a green car tried to kidnap me …….I ran away and escaped. I never told my parents, because they were at arms lengths. I learned to self sooth, by bottling everything up.  My mom was suicidal, and here I am, a mom and I have become her. I hate her, so I hate myself. Everyone used to think I was the perfect one, but here I am…I […]

i want to die so bad i hate living i hate my life. my mom is always mean to my dad and they always get into arguments and my dad blows it out of proportion and i cant stand it anymore they do it all the time even at other peoples houses like come on i just hate it. i cant help but feel ugly i hate my nose so much ugh. my twin is the most annoying piece of shit who does nothing but bully me and call me retarded while ruining all my opportunities because shes a fucktard and everyone always like her […]

I have sent this from my hospital bed I have already lived in five weeks after I turned sixteen. Nearly two years have passed by now.

At first it didn’t seem to be so bad. I didn’t have to go to school and I got a lot of visitors. But slowly my health started to deteriorate. I was moved from one hospital to the next. Every day I seem to be getting more medication. Apperently I have a genetic disorder where literally my body slowly falls apart.

Now I have come to the point that getting out of bed and going to the toilet starts to become impossible, […]

she sill hasunt replide to my emaleand im worred cos if she has i know its my folt like evrey thing but hay cigrets my slow suicide :/ spending my night up in bed with blood evrey ware and the bules streming from my gutar and you know what im frustratid in sevrel ways sexyaly frustatid im frustatid with love and with life what could get wors well my baby girl isunt talking to me i know she is on the other side of the world but we have a strong relashion ship and i will get there or get her here some how some […]

Unlike My Last Few Posts, Wich Are Rather Long. This One Wont Be Nearly Half The Size. In Previous Posts I’ve Explained My Family And How They Simply Cannot Stand Me For Reasons No One Can Seem To Explain.

My Father, Wanted Me To Spend Independence Day With Him. Me And My Mum Are Very Limited In Funds And Weren’t Able To Do Anything Anyways, And My Mum Encouraged Me To Go. I Did, And It Went Just As Expected.

I Hadn’t Been To My Pop’s In Years. I’m Not Comfortable There. Take That Times About A Billion And You Understand How I Feel Around The Rest […]