Today I was on the verge of suicide. Today I saw a bird that was on the fence surrounding my home and I saw the very same tree that has been in front of my house for years in a different light while going through this crisis today. These things might sound very much trivial and insignificant but I mention these things because when one (anyone) was or is about to kill themselves or is near to death, life little things becomes much more vivid. The sky and even  the air might feel different.
Why is there this prevailing norm that the act of suicide […]

I need help but dont want it posted to the public..any ideas

I posted something the other day, but it really didn’t explain my ‘history’ as people are calling it.

Hey. I’m Adrienne. People call me Addie. I’m almost 18. I have a great family (except my dad). I put a shitload of pressure on myself. I have been cutting myself for about 6 years. It got pretty hard-core during the last 3 years. I don’t do it to feel alive, per se; I do it to punish myself for anything I can think of, or if I just feel depressed. I have attempted suicide twice, both times failing (obviously). I have been seriously considering doing it again, […]

Why does everybody seem to abandon me? Why do old friends, when I go to visit them, the only thing they can say is that I got fatter? Why does my boyfriend don’t even return my calls? Why does my best friend didn’t want to come see me? They don’t know how awfully fragile I am. They have no idea. I just wanted love from them. And carress. Why are people so mean and harmful to others? And why am I like this…

“It’s dying, It’s dying!” They all cry,
Your heart got far too close to mine,
And now it’s ripping, breaking inside,
My body breathes a sigh of relief as it’s time.

I can hear it in the wind, I can feel it on my skin,
“Just one more time, you’ll feel much better ” I can’t let these voices in.
“Please don’t desert us, we were always there for you,
On those lonely nights when you were lost and didn’t know who to turn to.
Self harm? No harm! What harm can it do? They take me away cause they know it hurts you.”
Now she’s […]

so my birthday is tomorrow and i’m not the least bit excited for it. its just another day, another year that has passed by. i don’t see any reasons to look forward to a birthday or a new year and i don’t understand how people can get so excied by that. i’m just getting older, wow… not really something to celebrate.

13.7 billion years ago. something strange began to happen.???  There was a big bang & then Tiny parts of the universe became conscious. One of these’s part’s was called Donnie. & he was pissed. Why did donnie get. Life. I.E self-awareness. For.? If i was enjoyin it. cool. Maybe i would understand it. Ok why was i made self-aware for. Just to have a rubbish life. Then off my self & lapse back into unconsciousness.? It’s just my fate.  to spend an eternity in darknesss. Then To have a shitty brief flash of self-awareness. Then slip back into an eternity of darkness. Once more. How […]

I’ve just tried to commit suicide 4 times in 2 and a half weeks, I’ve manged to put this off for a year and a half now but also i self harm i have for 3 years, my boyfriend knows and has made me promise that i wont do it again but i feel so dead inside i want too, I need to tell someone about this but i feel my family wont support me and my boyfriend has to much to deal with at the moment, i don’t feel i can tell my other friends as another one has wanted to, she also self harmed so […]

I went to the doctors. They said I most likely have a stomach ulcer from too much smoking and alcohol and pills.
That’s never good. If It bursts well.. I’ll have to get an operation and I could die.
[…]

i thought the term go away was a pretty clear statement… obviously not because it took my brother five minutes to get the message that i wanted him to leave, and the whole time i kept telling him to go away, that he actually needed to go away. so i was mad, sad and having a panic attack all at the same time. i still can’t calm down, but i don’t want to punch someone else but myself anymore.

I want to be sufficient. I want to do something that matters.

I hate money, and I hate having to need it. I’ve decided I don’t want to go back to school, and I’m OK with that choice. My family thinks I’m crazy, though. If I do go back to school, it won’t be for computer science, even though I have only a few credits left to get a degree.

I like things how I like them. I don’t want a career. I don’t want an occupation. I don’t want a suburban lifestyle.

I want something more self-sufficient. A plot of land somewhere so I can maybe start […]

Although I’ve been feeling better lately (especially last week I was absolutely in a state of frenzy, I was elated to see my friends and everything was amazing for 1 or 2 days) I’ve discovered that my new found ‘betterness’ can be crushed with a few words of discouragement from someone.

A few days ago I stumbled upon a program at my university that offers free counseling if they discover that I suffer from depression.

The thing is that I might not be in a state of true depression right now but I had the symptoms before and felt really horrible. I’m kind of afraid, it took […]

“I have tried to view it from the interior of those who call themselves suicidal or suicides”.

( Words from Jean Améry )

I just wanted to recommend this book which i know will be of interest to many of you,

I have found it quite difficult & frustrating  to find serious, intelligent & quality critiques or books on other point’s of view about Suicide & this subject overall, as all i keep becoming drowned in is only the fucking Utilitarianism & Christian Inspired Philosophy which is very annoying & frustrating,

Anyway i hope some of you will check it […]