Every morning, no matter what, I wake up feeling pain. Even if the previous day was great,  I wake up with sadness.  I suppose this is just the nature of depression, but I wish I could at least wake up feeling hopeful, even if the rest of my day is terrible.

After all the bullshit, the hospital, etc. I felt no more ‘better’ than I did before all of that crap (read my other posts to find the other shit I have been going through). I actually feel much much worse than before (this post explains most of it).

I was trying to find just one reason to stay alive, and figured I could make one with my XGF. I figured we could try things again. I figured I could stay permanently, and make the kid’s life better. Now that she has no chance, the poor kid will go through “father” after “father” after “father”. She claims […]

Note: I am home now, I wrote the following earlier this evening.

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I am glad I did this test run. I encountered a few issues. Technology related issues. I had hoped to make this post on site, but I think I have broken my phone. It won’t tether to my laptop. :\ I will have to get that fixed. Then, there’s the little issue of very sketchy mobile coverage. I am basically in a hole in the ground.

I am writing this on site and saving it to upload when I get home. I am listening to my final mix tape. The first track, “The Other […]

I’m tired of hiding behind a fake smile. I’m tired of having all the panic attacks. I’m tired of dreaming of you every single night. I’m tired of waking up each day, hating myself for losing you. I’m tired of this 5 month long depression. I’m tired of living this unhappy life. I think tonight will be the night. Just remember, not a second has gone by that I haven’t loved you. I’m sorry about being that egotistical jerk I was in the past. I’ve changed, but it’s just way too late. I just can’t do this anymore, I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long. This […]

i am a year 12 student, whom for background knowldeg did have depression for most of my highschool years, had constant thoughts throught daily life of killing myself. I have also been through 4 different situations where someone has told me they are going to commit suicide and they have basically thrown it all on me and i was fighting each time hysteric tears, because a couple were before i even thought of such horrid things and then the other couple were after i had gone through with massive grieveing of my bestfriend who commited suicide. i didnt even have the chance to save him. […]

Cherry flavored pain killers, how you tempt me so bad
In your plastic, cylinder container
You sit on that shelf just above the kitchen sink
Taunting me, calling for me
Whispering in my ear “Come, come for me”
A whisper that only i can seem to hear
A whisper so subtle only the sick minded and neglected can understand this strange dialect
You hypnotize me with those reassuring words “You know you want to” you scream as i attempt to resist the urge and walk away with my head lowered to the ground

Cherry flavored pain killers, how you tempt me so bad
In your plastic, […]

It may be sad, but its my only way…

They told me to move on. It took me awhile… but I finally put the puzzle together. It was so frustrating… I was so clueless. I tried so hard to fight through it all. I tried to save friendships. I tried. But I really got tired. I didn’t want to surrender. I thought there would be at least a little faith, a little hope a little miracle… a little light. I thought we were best friends… I thought… we were still… at least… friends. But instead, I embarrassed myself again. I lost control on who I was. This was why I turned […]

THIS WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN APRIL 2012. I was still a lurker here back then.  I didn’t have the confidence to share this.   It paints a pretty accurate picture of where I was at back then.  I thought someone may be interested.
 
My therapist is correct.  The two underlying threads of my life have been seeking approval, and escapism.  When I don’t get approval, I need to escape.  I can’t give myself approval as I feel it is not warranted, therefore my only option is to escape.  If not getting the approval in my relationships that I feel I need, I usually escape by withdrawal.  However, I have […]

Even full of t3s, citalopram, and weed I still sleep only a couple hrs a night
and its usually not until the sun is up…

I lost my job last week and have hardy eaten..
I’ve just kept myself numb ever since..
I’ve had so much shitty luck lately!!

I think about ending it with all of the above while drunk
With co posioning. I’ve done my homework.
If co levels rise above 60 death occures within minutes
only symtoms being nausea and headache..
Dizzyness and a few otthers..
However failier can cause brain damage…
I’m positive it would work tho..
As long as I’m not […]

we were perfect. eveything was picking up. I hadnt hurt myself in two god damned year. he had finally gotten his music career off the ground, i had my photography picking up, we had just found out i was pregnant, i finished high school, he finished college. but they got selfish and kicked him out. they had no right. he started that band and put his soul into it. he snapped this sunday… they took him to the same place he was in when he was 15.  i am not allowed to talk to him or see him. no one care that i am carrying […]

lately i wanna die over everything. one little thing pisses me instantly i think I NEED THE GUN. so far most stupidest stuff besides abuse from my sister..god that pisses me off. but as lame as i have to all chores now cuz my sis got her way and now has to do nothing. if shes asked to do something i have to do it. she wont leave my room now its a mess that i have to clean.someone opens my bedroom door…I SCREAM! im losin my mind everything sets me off. i feel horrible, i didnt think i hurt my best friend that much […]

i feel like im 100% alone in this world. i don’t fit in anywhere..i have no close friends, and no one to turn to. the only person i have is my boyfriend, who has repeatedly gone behind my back. i just don’t know if all of this pain is worth it anymore. im only 17 years old. people say that suicide is just an impulsive thought. but its so much more than that. I’ve planned everything, for about two years now. its what i want, its not an impulse at all. everyday i ask myself if anybody would miss me. in all honesty, nobody really […]

I hate living,waking up everyday,my job,people EVERYTHING!!!!! if it wasnt for my 9 year old daughter i would of killed myself a long time ago,I will wait till shes at least 18 then ill blow my brains out!!!

I’ve been hospitalized, drugged, expelled, and fired. I’ve been manic, psychotic, depressed, and angry. This was all in the past…I’ve been stable for well over a year now. And yet I think about dying everyday, so much that it doesn’t bother me anymore. The things that happened two years ago are still haunting me. It is not like post-traumatic stress disorder. It is nothing mental. It’s the situation that I’m in as a result of what has happened. No job, not in school, not much of anything going for me.

It isn’t that I’m depressed; I’ve been there, and this isn’t it. I have a very […]

So my parents aredivorced and for the past 6-8+ months my dad hasn’t been oaying child support.So this past week my mom filed for a contemptive court order which means in 60 days they will go to a court hearing and either my dad starts paying child support or he will go to jail. I don’t want to see my dad anymore but I also don’t want my dad to be in jail. I’m not sure whether I’m hurt or what. I’m so confused and just numb to it

i found a box that i had put all my things that i had found important in my life. i don’t like looking back and seeing everything because it reminds me that none of that stuff is important anymore and i should not hold onto it because i have nothing to look forward to and i’m too afraid of looking back on all my painful memories… i can’t remember a time when i was extemely happy….

i hate it when there is just a brief second when i am happy and in that second i feel so good, like there was never anything wrong and then it passes and i feel so depressed and angry that i couldn’t keep hold of one good moment in my crappy life… and sometimes i realize i might never get hold of that moment again and yet once again i know that there is nothing else to look forward to and i might as well forget that the split second of happiness even occured.

Well I’m struggiling to find motivation again, for anything.
I’ve missed two tafe days simply because I cannot be fuckEd going or doing anything I hate sitting infront of computers so I do not want to get involved with that industry.
I think I might ring and tell them I’m out and I’ll still get most of my money back, but we will see.

Hm you know the last boy I was talking about in my last post, well hes bullying me now, apparantly whenever my back is turned “everyone laughs” at me and teases me and that’s okay but I can’t be fucked with these […]

It’s wonderful to hear from the ones we love.  Truly inspirational.  It makes me proud to know that you’re okay.  I know you feel alone at times, but you are always thought of.  I won’t risk getting you into more drama.  People are capable of far worse than I give them credit for.  It’s okay, they have less than three years to “set you straight” and get you on the path to righteousness:)  I am doing great and I will divulge more in time.  I am planning on publishing a blog on Nolen’s facebook and website that will explain my current thoughts.  It will be […]