im living a loners life. i use to have a bunch of friends but after high school we all departed away and also all my area friends have a spat with me…so im just living a lonely life…with fake smile….i do not go out at all and always infront of my pc…i dont respect my elders and also had a spat with my sibling and we are not talking with each other for nearly 8 months on, i forgot to smile and also loose my ability to converse with people all my friends and relatives are going out of my life….i have never talk to […]

Why is it so hard to accept me the way I am…

I’m awkward,weird and have the strangest of haircut.I didn’t know that was so unforgivable.I’m just tired of putting on that fake personality,that fake smile.It’s almost a natural reflexe now.Every time I’m finaly able to be myself(wich is a RARE occurence),people just avoid me.It’s been like that since kindergarden.Am I that repulsing?

I’m tired of speacking to myself.

Tired of crying alone.

Tired of feeling like I was a shadow.

I feel so worthless,alone in this sea of people just passing by me unless I say what they want.I’ve never been able to find the place I can call […]

Nobody understands why cutting is an addiction. Nobody understands why when I’m angry or sad, my first thought it to bleed, my next is to feed my drug addiction.  Nobody understands that I’d be able to quit drugs easier than I would be able to quit cutting. I wrote this last night in hopes of trying to eliminate the confusion. I hope this poem is acknowledged.

Have you ever been hurt?
But I don’t mean for real.
I mean the kind that can’t be seen,
the kind only you can feel.
You keep it to yourself
the feelings you’ve come to accept.
But still, every time […]

“Step one you say we need to talk,
he walks, you say sit down it’s just a talk,
He smiles politely back at you,
You stare politely right on through”
If only they would listen…
If only I could go back in time, to that night. Cherry. She jumped off the roof of a hospital. She drank until she found courage to swallow those pills. Called the cops on herself. That is what amazes me the most. Why had she called the cops? Why? If she was just going to go and jump off that building? I just want to go back in time, know […]

Rusted veins..
Shallow pain..
So much shame..
Regret..

Feelings of loss
Feelings of change..
Am i to blame..

My thoughts and desires..
Burn in this fire..
Never again will i love..
Your face..
Your embrace..
My heart stops..
Bloods gone..

My hands are red..
Is she dead?
No..
Not her..

Shes… not here..
I am weak..
My life is bleak.

Tonight she died..
Not in reality..
In her head.
She died in mine

Ladies & Gentlemen, You are about to witness
what it is like to be an eagle that jumps into the
sky and plays king.

This eagle sees it all. and he knows there is
no such thing as evil. it is pure love affair.

At the end of the game, there are going to be
strange results.

That is when i will disappear, and let you all
sort it out yourselves.

* burrrp *

remember i said that.

To Get Started, please listen to this song by
Britney Spears.

Your comments must be written in mysterious ways.
we are not looking for literal terminologies.
use songs, use music, use metaphors as you […]

I’m depressed in really weird streaks.  I’ll be to the point where I need to cut every freaking night and think about suicide for a while, and then it will let up for a short time, I still won’t be happy, but I won’t be cutting.  It also always seems to strike worse in the night, thats when I usually really feel hopeless.

I don’t know why it changes.  If I think about it, I always feel alone, with no prospects for meaningful friendships.  I never get hopeful, just not depressed.  Does this phenomenon happen to anyone else?

Dear Chris,
Your a creepy mother fucker. I hope you fucking know I hate your guts. Just because i’m not like all other fucking girls does NOT mean i’m a lesbian. Go fuck yourself man. Grow a pair of balls and live the real fucking world. Your the waste of space, your the piece of shit. Not your amazing, funny, smart, fucking beautiful girlfriend, who could by the way do 150% better then your sorry ass. Go away. Im glad I stood up to you today. Im sick and tired of myself and everyone having to deal with you. You are sick in the head […]

Poem and how I’m feeling

I log on to my pc
I built it with my own hands and money
I see the backdrop of a starry sky and moon
In my ear I have a music box tune running
And tears are trying to flood into the room

A simple child’s song that brings out memories I wish I had
Each little tinkle, trickle and bom
A music box, xylophone, a trumpet and an instrument unknown

From innocence it sends me
Unto the darker strokes that bring the sadness to the fore

It highlights a lot of inconsistencies
And points out a lot of hard choices I’ve had […]

I found this song by Darwin Deez, he himself  doesn’t seem to fit the theme but I like his song and lyrics:

from the window ledge i fall
watch my necktie whip back in the wind
from  the top of an office building
i can’t even see why i should live

“but don’t give up”, they all say
but i’m not giving up anything anyway

on the way down i see your face
it’s laughing at one of my idiot boy  mistakes

oh you can laugh now cause it’s over
have one last laugh  watching me go to waste

cause i don’t need a reason why
does  anyone?

ive made myself a tumblr account where Ill post poems n pictures. Same name as I’ve got here. N yes I’ll still put them here first. Speaking of which.

I saw you yesterday
You were sitting on the bench in an outdoor mall
And suddenly, all the feelings I had for you
Rushed to my head. I loved them all.

I’m sorry about what happened
The things I said wrong
And I understand
If you don’t want anything to do with me at all
But I thought you should know
That though it didn’t show
I haven’t forgotten you

You’ve been in my dreams since the […]

Lets talk. Let me help. I know what your going through.
Those are some of the statements I never hear. I never get told. I’ll just hide in my feelings, sink deeper into them. Have them poison me. If only they could actually end my life for me. Never have I had to be through harder trials. My “friends” won’t help. The church kids judge me. They just don’t understand. I’m scared about putting my feelings out there, out here. Getting  judged is one of my BIGGEST fears. I hate it. We’ve all had our problems, we have our style, fears, wants, needs. […]

What am I doing?
Why am I waiting?
I ask myself that every day.

Why try, when every moment is hell?
Why wake, to endless hours?
Of pain, depression
Regret for living
Why, Why, Why?

A muddle of incomprehensible thoughts
Seem to be the only ones that answer me.
And I am tired of enduring, this endless nothing.
And I am sick of constantly begging, still it does not end!

Cut- Out of hopeless frustration
Drink- Try to drown out the pain
Walk- Until brought to exhaustion
Think- Of every worry that does not dissipate

I’m scared, I’m frightened, I’m screaming
My every thought is self- […]

I’ve been starring at a blank screen for awhile wantin to tell someone..so I guess here it is? I’m 15 and feel like I don’t deserve a life anymore like I’ve used it up for nothing and am going nowhere after school (if I can make it out) I have 2 days left of grade 10 and then summer starts the one time of the year i can feel happy 🙂 I’m not an A student or anything and my parents know that but I still feel like the failure of the family.. I want to get away from being a waste and move on […]

I hope my friends never ask me to walk across you

Thats unlikely, they don’t exist.

I hope my parents never make me

They would hate themselves forever.

I drive across you every day to go to school

You remind me of how easy it is.

I’ve seen two souls

Leap, fly, Escape.

All thanks to you.

Soon it will be my turn

I know you will be waiting.

For once I will not be hiding behind my mask

My smile will be true.

Nothing will matter.

When I become one with the ocean

I’ll wave you goodbye.

The sea will dry my tear stained eyes.

I hope that one day someone asks me to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.

Hey. It has been a while since I checked in. I’m still here if anyone cares but not for long. I finally was able to get a blade. I have a stash of my attempts. I have been in total suffering for the past two weeks. My life is done. All it is now is rebeling and partying. What kind of life is that with deression on top. So much pain and I’m so tired of it. Depression is constantly there, waving at me, screwing with my friendships and relationships. Depression won’t leave me alone. I’m so tired of fighting. I give up. Goodbye those […]

Every Time I cross the street

I Refuse to Look both ways.

Cross my fingers,

Say one last prayer,

Hope for a car to Rush by.

A constant weight

On my Chest

A constant pain

inside

When will be the Time?

When will I be set Free?

This mask has made me weaker

I want to give in to the crime.

I’ve just turned 18, I self harm (have done for 8 years), I have depression, anxiety and numerous suicide attempts. I’ve been in a psychiatric hospital 4 times in under twelve months.

I now have to live in foster care because my parents don’t want me at home “Coming home isn’t an option anymore.”  My friends have drifted apart and except from my one best friend, I am utterly alone.

I want to die.

But at what point do you give in completely? I am afraid of failing at taking my life. I’ve failed before and can’t go through that again. It needs to be over with, with […]

Well I posted last night “still alive but I’m barely breathin”

The time has come now. I have the house to myself. The hardest part was making the knot on the hangmans noose but thats accomplished. Now I’m taking a smoke break because that was exhausting. After this cigarette I am going to make the note to attach to the door saying “do not enter, horrific scene inside, just call 911, DO NOT ENTER” then I am going to attach the rope to the ceiling after I move the furniture a bit so I have nothing to try to stand on in the event panic sets […]

u r just like every other guy i trusted with my heart, i a was convinced u were different. u were better to me you are perfect then u make yourself distant. i didnt say anything! u just silently left me alone i feel i have just been stabbed u said yourself u were different that u wont hurt me. ha that quickly turned to BS. why wont u answer me. i dont even know what we are anymore. i told u everything and u left me with nothing but tears. cant u hear me? of course not, u want ur ex back anyway u […]