Multiple panic attacks. Tonight will be a long night, I can’t and won’t sleep. -_- my third post and waiting for my 4rth or thrid panic attack this night. Keep reflecting on my epiphany very bad for me to to do. Oops not again. Fuck me 

Haha wow my bestfriend of 3 years let me barrow his facebook so i could check up on someone for him and i read the messages to her and he agreed with her that i was boring and annoying and i couldn’t believe my eyes because i always stuck up for him when the same person said something bad about him. I now know that you can’t trust anyone not even the person you thought you knew…i guess i never really knew him at all….

My girlfriend talks bad about me behind my back and says how im boring,annoying and i don’t show affection and she’s […]

Do you think you could do it?

Never thought I would be on a site like this. But you people would understand the most, or maybe not. You wouldn’t actually know what I go through, or much less what anyone else goes through. You have no idea of what goes on in people’s real thoughts, their real emotions, struggles, and actions. All you can really do is just read along and try to find a connection, a answer to whats ailing you, a hope that the person that wrote this would find a answer themselves, a answer that would cure the damages inflicted on you. But I’ll tell you this, they’re no […]

I’m giving up on going for jasmine and broke it off with her. Not going to talk to her for a while. Probably going to go apeshit sometime soon with my depression. I’m worried, I’m considering myself unstable because my depression may suddenly kick itself up a notch suddenly. Bracing for it… Thanks one_day for giving me that good ole punch to the face my naive mind needed, now I might spiral out of control, and nickname thanks too and I’m sory if i snapped at you -_-

people tell me im ugly that i will never find someone to love because of who i am, for what i am… im actually sarting to beleive them… who would love someone like me?  suicidal, always depressed, monster? in this world i am at the bottom i am ugly im a monster. i try working out i tried diets and other stuff that will help me get into shape but no matter what i do im un loved… im already struggling as an artist and trying to get my art work out there but no one seems to actually care for it my friends  just […]

i feel unloved and not wanted… my friends seem to only use me for there own needs but when it comes to my feelings it does not matter. im a nobody… why wont anyone listen to me? why wont anyone lend me a shoulder to cry on? everyone constantly makes fun of me and my looks… i know i dont look good but i still… if they only knew how fucked up i was then maybe just maybe they will care for me as much as my beloved did. at the same time i have a feeling that most of my so called friends would […]

I’ve made the decision to kill myself. Thank you for listening. Goodbye and may life go in your favor.

Okay everyone, it’s my birthday today and I feel like crying. Today’s the day I decided I’d go through with everything and actually commit suicide, but after my last failed attempt, my parents are really keeping an eye on me. Not that they care ofcourse, they just don’t want to go through with all the shame of having to tell everyone their daughter committed suicide. Hah, I’m so tired of everything. I’m tired of pain, I’m tired of not being good enough for my parents, I’m tired of getting bullied, I’m just tired. 15 years is quite a long time. Idk, I’m worthless anyways, everyone […]

Does death have to be such a stigma ? If I choose to go can my loved ones be satisfied knowing that peace is with me (I hope) and I no longer suffer the unbearable, day to day mental obfuscation my own mind commits yet is self unrecognizable while it’s happening and too late to matter enough after the fact ? That has been my struggle since I was 18, I suppose, I’m 26 now and I’m ready to join the 27 club(if I get there). Everybody has their problems I suppose and I am no different, however I do feel like a 1 in […]

Where to begin is hard. Then again nothi ge come easy. I’m getting older and more mature obviously but to me, I think others see me as a child. I dont honestly think I’m suicidal. I couldn’t be. The outside looking in my life is complacently perfect. I would be viewed lucky by most. Friends, a loving girlfriend, well liked, two parents, grandparents, a job and not a lot but a reasonable amount of money. In reality though- my best friend is leaving me for a group off cocky self obsorbed pricks; we were close, always different but he was indeed my best friend. My […]

Sorry people hehe the title was just an example of how only serious things get the attention. Just a test is all… Mostly I wanted to be aware of stuff people would want to read about from someone else’s point of view. Sometimes an outside opinion from someone who doesn’t really have a biased opinion might be all you need. I rather understood the comment about pain being on the inside while on the outside it’s damn near hidden. It spoke to me a lot, I know I’m not alone.

It’s still pretty early for bed and I wanted to get up resonably early so […]

Dear person reading this,
Hold on.
PLEASE hold on.
Life is a ride, ups and downs is what make life fun.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Sincerely, someone who cares.

A few things happened today, one good, one bad.

Starting with the bad, my dad yelled at me for eating today. He yelled at my sisters and I for eating too much today and said that we have to ask before we eat anything anymore. My dad gets really mad sometimes, and when he does he exaggerates punishments. But what he doesn’t understand is how powerful his words are to me. Last year I stopped eating. Starving became my life, calories and exercise were my gods, I worshiped them like no other. I lost 20 pounds, went from weighing 123 to 103 in much less than […]

Baby sister has been crying for the past hour, every time something happens, she cries. She’s the shrieking kind of crying, makes me wanna kill that piece of shit. Too bad I have “no balls”, nor to kill myself. So i hope I’m destined to do something. I have been angry for the past 3 days, ever since my little “date” with my cousin jasmine was canceled because her mom has no money. 

I’m incredibly angry, stepdad brings the baby into the living room so it could cry in my fucking ear as I play video games (not intentionally) and I sit here holding my emotions […]

i am tired of being a coward i fantasize  about suicide for past 3 months i planning to go tonight in a few hours and drive a designated place i know that is going to be painful but it will end i just want to see if i have the guts to do it i hope that ill be able to reincarnate and try to have a better life  i hope that those ideas of hell are non true as i was writting this a family member opened the door of my room not aware of my intentions i might not end up doing it […]

Not at all sure if this makes sense to anyone but me:

I feel completely trapped in this world at times, and I don’t mean that purely metaphorically.

What I mean is that I feel stifled by earth itself, and the way it’s unescapable.

I want to jump of the earth and into the universe, if that makes any sense.

Our world just feels too small and restricted.

No matter how far in the world I travel, it will never be far enough.

Because I’ll still be on earth.

I want to be in the galaxy, amongst the stars.

By that I mean literally.

I don’t mean that I want to die in order […]

I stop, just as I opened the door to my home. I stop to look at the cracks on the walls, Like the gnarly veins of some geriatric hand. They a mere sign of age, of foreboding, some harbinger of ultimate failure. I smile and jar the door open. My home makes light of its name, There is no smell of baking bread, no fire place, No patter of claws along wooden floorboards. It is a room, my single bed lengths the right wall. Theres some other small items that sit in the remaining space, secondhand table and chains, a horrid couch spatters with paint, […]

i hate when people say killing yourself is selfish… its not!!! When i think about it i always think about all the people who say its selfish… but y is it selfish??? its a way out… its peace for people who r in pain…

Speaking of pain i noticed something about my self… when people try to get close to me i push them away b/c im afraid ill hurt them or they will hurt me… i dont want to drag them into the pit im in and i dont want them to try to hurt me any worse then i already am…

So, I really am not sure what to start with except obviously I feel like something is very wrong or I wouldn’t be on here and I don’t want to here “you’ll be fine.” Thoughts of killing myself have been increasing over the last year or so after a bad breakup with long term girlfriend which involved an abortion that wasn’t mutually desired and ended in months of resentment and mistreatment of each other. I still love her.
I’ve broken up with girls, it hurts, but these feelings are lasting far too long. It confuses me because there should be no reason for me to […]