You ever hear that song “Pushit” by Tool? Your poem about your mom reminded me of it. Here:
Not suicide related
I was a victim of psychological abuse for nearly 18 years, most of those years i was a child.
Alot of bad stuff happened, but i remember that my dad called me a retard among other things for many years because i was an occasional mouth breather (although for a short while i was a chronic mouth breather).
Yeah that’s how to solve it, psychologically abuse your child about something that’s not even their fault.
Now I’m not really a mouth breather, for at least the past 2 years. Have to pull my lips in and force my mouth shut. I guess I’ve gotten used to […]
what i think is not what i think. my brain thinks whatever it wants to think, not what i want to think. its like i think without thinking.
I remember as a child I assumed that there was nothing wrong with the lives of the animals behind glass at the Bronx zoo. That somehow their lives on display gave them enough of a life having been brought out of the wild and subject to a million strangers gazes on a daily basis. So many friends and people they would never see again, Until I found myself inside their cage. The feeling of alienation while simultaneously viewed, taunted, judged, aching in the profound pain of knowing there was nearly nothing more to life. I witnessed furious tigers as a child not understanding their snarling, […]
Done with me
Sick of me
Whatever led
That vent
To be clogged
There will be no apology
Since the very beginning
My dislike runs deeper than her hatred
My endurance runs longer than her temper
Ive lasted longer
Why are you
Done with me
Sick of me
So soon?
I shouldve been
Sick of you
Done with you
Long before you
Yet
Its the other way around
How do
How do I
Flip this back
Should I flip it back
I dont think
It
Matters
Anymore
I shed a tear for the bad things happening on Earth.
as I’ve made clear in my previous posts making a decision has always been extremely hard for me.
and i’ve been fighting the wrong battles for a long time.
this time I am choosing me and I am going to stick to my decision to the end..
trying to be anything to make someone love you or care for you or even at least notice you is the stupidest thing you could ever do and i’ve been doing it like literally my whole life and today I AM DONE.
but it’s hard and it’s painful to choose yourself over the one that you love,
but you will pay a much […]
seems like I can’t go for too long without eventually thinking of killing myself. yet I just won’t. if I was really about it, I’d have it done by now. makes me think that I don’t actually want to die. but if that’s the case, then this wouldn’t be a problem for me. I would care more about experiencing life, but I don’t. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be me and I don’t necessarily want to be anyone else. I just wish that my life never happened in the first place. I’m doing the bare minimum of being alive. I […]
I was waiting for a reply on a text..
two days ago, and that reply never came through.
I should be okay with people not wanting to speak to me, that’s fine.
but it’s always that one person you care about the most, they can hurt you even by doing nothing.
like really why can’t you see me?
I wanted from others what those I trusted could not give me
I want not from others what those I trusted could not give me
I don’t trust them enough
But, hypothetically, if they could give me what I want
I’m afraid, I’m too clingy, I’m too needy
Eventually it’ll be too much
I don’t trust them
it has to happen that sometimes you need to make a decision,
some of them might be reckless and out thinked and totally uncalculated.
but you get to a point after many reckless decisions that you tend to overthink every and each one.
you calculate every possibility to the bones.
you lose interest in most things and maybe, even tend to stop! just stop.
you be afraid of your inability of controlling the outcome of every move so you just stop moving.
you be afraid of getting into an surprising situation that requires you to move more,
or do more, or make more decisions and that’s a thing that you don’t want […]
I went back and forth on whether or not to write this down. I was leaning towards no because I didn’t see any point in it. I didn’t think it would make me feel better, so why bother. I don’t know. I guess because I have no where else to go with this. It’s been three weeks at this point. From the point where I said I’d give up. From the point when I said I’d give her space. At this point it just kind of tracks the time on its own. I thought about calling […]
those mental awareness videos in school and what not typically depict a sad person, sitting alone. and then a few people will show up and do anything and everything to make the person happy.
i hate being “that person”. my friend will change his plans for the day just because i want to talk.
i just want to disappear.
You smile, smiling at everyone who has ever caused you pain. A smile is glued to your face because there are many secrets hiding behind those eyes of hazel.
Do they know about what hides behind that sweatshirt, in 90 degree weather.
Do they know about what he did to you and why your are no longer innocent, why you don’t show skin anymore.
Do they know why you stay asleep and never leave your room, behind locked doors where you are safe
Do they know why you are scared of falling in love, because he hurt you so badly you have no hope
Do they know why you smile […]
yes
smoke them cigs and have the remnants in your lungs
coiling your insides like a snake
until you die
–
you can’t fight what’s already growing inside
you can’t fight what you did to yourself
you can’t fight your instincts
you can’t fight the seed you planted yourself
you can’t undo the cigarette you just smoked
in the beginning of things, I saw my scars as a mark of rebellion,
a sign that I am strong, and having challenges and conquering shit,
tho at times nothing was going wrong, I was an ATTENTION WHORE!
I was trying to get the attention of literally anyone, whither it’s the girl sitting next to me on the bus, or the guy at the bar or whomever comes my way,, I was secretly looking for sympathy, looking for caring and anyone that I could share my dump invented dark deep stories with, ignoring the fact that most of them were exaggerated or totally made up.
I even came to […]
Just letting it out. I can’t take this shit anymore
I want it all and I want it now just like Freddie
Most of the time it’s hurting me, and even when it isn’t, the high’s aren’t worth it. I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about giving it up. But when it comes down to it, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I’m hopelessly addicted to living. Or to the idea of living. How could I possibly let go of that next sunrise? Those cherished memories and long-dead dreams?
Though I know it won’t be worth it. And I won’t make the most of it. Because I’m broken, and in pain, and most of the time I just want to numb it all […]
To add on the story of Juliet, he did it Romeo left you because you weren’t perfect, it’s okay but it’s not because you couldn’t live without him so next thing you know you stop writing because you where in the hospital you relapsed and took magic candy’s that can make you go away but people care so you where in the hospital. You are no longer happy with yourself because you without him is like a circus without a clown. But he’s the clown because he hurt you for the 5th time so maybe he’s not the clown but you are for falling a […]
Little cacti, little cacti
Look at you
Absorbing all that water
Won’t you ever wilt?
Little cacti, you remind me of quicksand
Absorbing everything and anything
Even lies
Sometimes I do wonder
What would happen if lava came in contact with quicksand?
Or bombs that might sink in?
Will the sand be reduced to nothing?
Will the bombs ever explode within the sand?
Nothing lasts forever
Do you ever wonder what happens to the things that sink into the sand?
Little cacti, you take the lies and perceive them to be the truth
But one day, the quicksand will grow weary and become tar
Just […]