every fucking little thing i do is completely wrong in every way in every eye. i hold it all in during the day but when i come home i blow up on whoever and i hate myself and everyone and sometimes like now i probably sound illiterate. i hurt myself. if not physically, i abuse my mind. i almost think i love the pain but i want to die and no one believes me. my mom expects me to deal with it myself and won’t take me to a doctor because she “doesn’t want to seem like a bad parent” yeah fuck you too ***** […]

I need to die
I’m not right
I can’t feel
My heart can’t feel
My body can’t feel
I’m already dead
What’s the point in living?
For a purpose that will never happen………
Why do I even try?
Try to stay alive is it to feel some sort of emotion bar this empty feel
I even wish I could feel pain now
Yet I have a clear mind and know cutting isn’t right but I fear it’ll go down that route soon, very soon or that of an anorexic.
I’m guessing that of an anorexic will be the easiest option after all no one would […]

I just feel like writing, it really helps me.

sry this is gunna be all over the place\:

I like to try and think rationally, and honestly. I finally have been honest with myself, and its the best thing that has ever happened to me. Until now, I have been in denial with the stigma of my ‘disorders’ /issues. ( selective mutism, socialphobia, anxieties,  borderline agoraphobia, depression, mild OCD (some of these are self diagnosed)as well as feelings of suicidal ideation, lonliness, social awkwardness, isolation,…and more..

I didn’t want to accept having most of these issues, I literallyy wanted to invent a time machine so I could go […]

I don’t know what to do with my life anymore, I honestly don’t want to die, at least not anymore, but I don’t want to live like this anymore either. For the past couple of days I’ve been considering running away, that solution seems perfect for me, I would be alive but I would also be living a different life, and it doesn’t even matter if that life would be hard and I would have to struggle because anything’s better than where I am now, the only problem with that is that I’m only 14, I’ll be 15 in a month but that doesn’t really […]

I was talking to someone a couple of months ago threw a post of mine and she helped me out alot. I know her screen name but how do I find her so I can email her?

Apologies for the incoherence; what follows is a personal rant:

Do it. Take away my friends. I’m paranoid as hell right now, and I don’t think I can take being calm and under control. Twist the truth, and turn others against me. Be like B., and J., and R., and all those other f**** that lied about you behind your back to try and make you into a monster when you returned to college. In a better mood I support you, I do my best to convince myself that you are a good person, and now I’m so tired and paranoid I don’t know what to […]

Its funny isnt it when you find it hard to trust and love people, and the moment you do people bring you up just to let you fall straight onto the ground leaving you broken and  like you are  so emotionally drained you arent able to take another breath . After problems with love and feelingun accepted, i found a guy fell in love with him made him my world, unfortunetly love isnt a fairytale and this one will only have  a tragic ending, like in romeo and juliet i guess we were star crossed lovers, destined to die… well at least I am, the […]

always think I and praise the god-money

you can be the most despicable person but as long as you have money, you’re somebody

when you’ve lost it all, you’re back to being a nobody

new phone, new car, new partner .. it’s never enough, you always need something more to be happy

dictature of happiness: if you aren’t happy, better to force yourself into looking happy

if you don’t understand somebody,  just belittle him/her

watch out for cutters, gay people, loners, minorities, they’re all freaks

Seriously, think back to your teen years or if you are a teen think about it. Everything suck.For me it’s like no one listens,caring, or understands anything about me. I have like no friends so i bury all of my emotions deep down inside. I’m extremely socially awkward. I’m supper shy and it’s hard for me to make friends. I only have 2 friend and one has moved so far away that i will probably never see her again. I’m stuck in the poorest city in america and I really don’t belong here. I hate it so much that I isolate myself in cyber school […]

what is it that they dont get,they can say they know you well, but the moment you put a front up all day to hide the pain behind a smile they assume your happy, then when you finnaly brake down, they say,(stop it, you were happy all day,)well go fuck your self cause if you knew me you would know i hide my emtions, and that was a front,they are so stupid, i even tell them and they must forget or something,i never make sence,or mabey those assholes from the group homes never been through the shit i did or even been through shit to […]

Yesterday I got my living will in order.  Cashed in all of my investments and assets. Paid off all my major bills up until the date of my demise.  Still have to buy food and sundries though.  As well as going to quite a few events and purchasing a lot of anime and asian horror to watch up until the day.  Sent off my contributions to the local children’s hospitals.  May go and visit again the week before I go.

For once I am at peace.

No more pain and prescription side effects. from the mental meds and the physical meds.  Strange how even living a healthy […]

It’s been a month or more. things have been better i guess. to say that i’m suicidal now isn’t entirely true. i’m not even sure if i ever was. I tried it a couple times, yea, but were they really that serious? i have a hard time inflicting self harm.. i still love the thought of being nonexistant though. i’ve read a few stories on here tonight that really made me think. thanks for that

The smallest things can make a person depressed. i guess my story isn’t the only one full of wonderful things. i couldn’t ask for a better life really.. i just don’t […]

I want to be angry. At God. At the people around me. But I can’t. Because I got this idea stuck in my head that every screwed up thing in my life is completely my fault. Damn it! (sorry) Ugh. I just need to calm down. 17 more days. just 17 more days that’s it.17 more days of smiles and lies. No biggie. right? Does anybody wanna talk?? I could really use someone to talk to if you don’t mind

Hope everyone is doing well…..nights can be a pain in the arse to deal with

I’m turninq eiqhteen on the 21 but I don’t think I can make It.My birthday Is cominq up so shouldn’t I be happy?The whole day I’ve literally been depressed.I told my social worker that I need to qo back to the hospital.She said no It’s about time I qet my life toqether,first I need to qet my tattoos removed and qet my GED.She doesn’t understand that I want help.I’m tired of this depression.I’m tired of hidinq my cuts.I want to die.Tomorrow Is when I’ll be leavinq.I was qonna do It today but I just realized that I want to write a suicide note.I’m take the […]

Since the day of my birth I have been made fun of for my appearance. Harsh judgement and bad treatment has followed me where ever I go. From hiding in the restroom and faking my own sickness to get away from the bullying in my elementary school, to dreading the visit of relatives from my father’s bloodline due to their constant act of sexual molestation towards me: I now understand how I was screwed up in the head. The only way anyone appreciated me (other than my loved ones) was when I allowed others to touch me in an inappropriate matter. This was the only way to […]

this is it im done i hav no friends no family nothing to live for ive often daydreamed of going out at night and jst laying down on the train tracks and jst wait for the nightly train yea that would b a fitting end for me ihope this works wish me luck

Standing here breathless
Paralyzed and blinded
In the end of the bottomless
Agony beyond imagination
Searing me within
Nails pounded into my soul
Only to be removed and replaced
The torture slow and unending
I can barely pretend
Every smile causes me a thousand knives to the heart
Every laugh chimes, a haunting scream only for me to hear
I’m unable to bear much more

There is no turning back
The path behind has disappeared
There is only down deeper into my menacing self
No light shines here
Looking up in the distance
I can see you, your smiling face
Your trivial thoughts flicker under your […]

Im not sure why I am really posting this, but praphs this will help me in some sort of way. I am a lost individual who i guess cannot cope with life. I have been this way since 15, since i can remember i always felt like i dont belong in this society, almost as though it ruins me - than i realised i ruin myself. So… people who dont know me, which means everyone in this world maybe apart from my father and mother would think i have ‘everything’, i mean after all im’pretty’, have a part – time job, currently doing a law dagree […]

Why continue with something that keeps me in a permanent state of unhappiness? Once you over examine your life like I have, you will realise just how fucking pointless it is. The way that humanity has turned out, is pointless. After all life just replicates itself with the seasons passing, and will continue to do so with us or without us.  We are not free people to who live freely, we have been chained to the monetary system, from which there is no escape.

Life’s subjective purpose is to procreate. It’s objective is something I  can only speculate as being meaningless in the end. Nothing really fucking […]

i speak the truth, and mabey my truth is harsh but i only give people what they ask for,
and thats the way i am, life took me to hell and i came back with a fucked up mind and its all i got, so people can just deal with it like i do,and if its to much for people to take, then they can walk in my shoes and retrace my steps and come back with the same mind i got, an know youll never be the same again,i wont change for anybody,